Memoirs of Her Scent
by Amaterasu Kinesi
Summary: It will be all right, I tell myself reassuringly and hope I'm right as I take her warm hand in my own granite, cold ones. She shivers at the touch, but does not withdrawal. Neither do I, I love having her in my arms. Nothing could compare or feel more right than this. Chapter 30 Now UP!
1. First Sight

_**Disclaimer:**_

_For all intents and purposes;_

_No copyright infringement intended. _

_The Twilight Saga and all characters involved within this story are the property of __Stephenie Meyer__. _

However, the plot is entirely my own.

**_-This applies to the rest of the story._**

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**oOo**

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**oOo**

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**PROLOGUE**

"Jasper?" I hear her call my name with satisfaction. Her voice is small, filled with unshed tears, and barely above a whisper but I can hear her clearly and she knows that I can.

"I'm here," I assure her, my voice slightly louder than hers so that she can hear me. Through the cloak of darkness I find and make my way to her and reach for her hand, stretched out before her like a blind person's.

The instant she hears my voice her emotions become visibly relaxed and I hear her small sigh of relief, which carries her warm, sweet scent to me, intoxicating me. Momentarily, my mind becomes clouded but so does my senses.

Because I _need _to reach and be near her, I hope and pray that getting near her will not put her in any danger with my inner demon. After a small hesitation, I approach her, by which time I have tested my self-control.

_It will be all right_, I tell myself reassuringly and hope I'm right as I take her warm hand in my own granite, cold ones. She shivers at the touch, but does not withdrawal. Neither do I, I love having her in my arms. _Nothing_ could compare or feel more right than this.

"I'm here," I sigh once again, against the shell of her ear this time. And then, I smile, placidly, as she shivers when my cool breath graces and kisses her warm skin like I so aspire and desire to do. When I chance inhaling her perfume, she smells as lovely as ever and I can feel my demon stir with pleading cries for a taste of her wonderful, aromatic elixir.

"Jasper…" she sighs wrapping her arms around the nape of my neck, caressing with a feathered touch, and further igniting my consuming desire as her warm body begs for my cool embrace. I hold her zealously and possessively, like I know she wants me to, wishing that I could stay with her like this eternally.

Because I am the one that longs, achingly so, for her warm embrace... She just does not know it; she cannot know because I will not, and _cannot_, allow entertaining such selfishness. _I am undeserving_; the thought is fleeting but resonating with an echoing, aching truth that I despise to acknowledge and be reminded of but must.

"What's wrong?" I ask, concerned, due to the prolonged silence that holds us wordlessly in a seemingly timeless moment; the words, to my surprise, sound choked.

_It must be because of her tears and the overwhelming source of crippling emotions flowing from her to me,_ I tell myself, unconvinced. There is so much sadness piled up in that fragile body of hers that I cannot quite comprehend how she is still able to stand on her own two feet.

"I don't want to talk about it." Her muffled response, which I feel scorching against my chest, my chest wet with her tears, holds me captive. "Just hold me," she pleads. As if she even needs to ask me twice.

"Of course," I oblige. At her request, I hold her closer, cursing Edward for making her cry, and wishing that, somehow, I could hold her even closer. All I can do for now, however, is to try and calm her with my unnatural power, which seems to have no effect on her at the moment.

_Is her despair so great that not even I can help her?_

This knowledge hurts more than the fact that she is not mine for the take and never will be. I want to shelter her, cry with her, for her… If only my eyes could have been filled and spill with tears, I would have cried then.

_I feel so helpless._

"Thank you," she whispers and graces me with the smallest of faintest smiles, before burying her face against my neck, which causes me groan in anticipation and frustration.

"Jasper?" she questions quizzically.

"Nothing, it's nothing," I assure her with a defeated sigh.

_My Bella, my sweet, brave, and innocent Bella, can you not see how _crazy_ you drive me?_

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**Memoirs of Her Scent**

** Chapter 1: **

_**First Sight**_

Sitting on the worn, inclined leather seat at my imperious mahogany desk, I find myself deep in thought and frowning as I pretend to stare out the miasma ridden floor to ceiling window straight ahead and rather ponder.

Strange occurrences have been taking place within the Cullen's household, over the past few weeks, especially with a _particular _member of our family, which I dared not further ponder until this very _peculiar _day forced me to do so. Since I was particularly dressed to impress, given the occasion, I could no longer ignore the inevitable as I continued to lose myself within my gnawing thoughts...

In actuality, I do not know what came over me, what came over any of us for that matter. What was it that made us decide to make a bet _against_ Alice? Of all Vampires, how come _my_ sweet Alice?

What, with her uncanny capability of being able to look into the future and her blinded confidence in her visions becoming a reality, which they would, mind you, who could blame her for being so overly confident?

Sure, I love to bet. In fact, Emmet and I are great at betting and challenging each other. Just to prove who the superior vampire of the two is. Silly really, but still, it is something that we all enjoy together, as a family. But _this_ time around, it was different. And different from any other bet that we have ever made.

Because this time, _this time,_ I had to disagree with my lovely Alice. It just could not be true... Edward the over-thinker could not be thinking of bending and breaking the rules to talk more than his share, more than he is entitled to, and tell a mere _human_ _girl_ about us.

He knows better than any of us, the dangers his actions could inflict upon our precariously built "human" lifestyle. Hence, _impossible!_ And no less, the thought that he might be planning to bring her _here_, into our home, our den, to introduce _her_ to _us_ as his most precious reason for existing, simply was not possible either.

_ Nah-Preposterous! Edward, my brother, would not do that to us._

The very idea is so unimaginable that it is almost laughable. Really, I do not know why I have been entertaining so much of my thoughts into its likelihood, when it, clearly, is something that will not come to pass. So therefore, I cannot, and will not, agree with my precious Alice on the matter.

Obviously, I love her but we still, like any other couple, have things we _clearly _agree to disagree on. In fact, the understanding of our differentiating disagreements has strengthened us over the years... _God, how, I love her._ Sometimes it feels like I cannot have or get enough of her!

The silvery tone of her voice, the way she always appears to dance and sway her way toward me, always with so much grace when she walks, her optimism, and, yes, even her addiction through the centuries to the evolving fashions... it would at times rub off on me as well. But more of that later, there is a more pressing matter at hand that I must figure out.

Perhaps, Edward has a plan and he is, simply, luring this human girl. Indubitably, she must be nothing, but prey, to him. But then, that would not precisely add up. We _are_ vegetarians after all. I chuckle at our inner joke, _vegetarians_. Sure, every once in a decade, one of us will slip, mostly me. But still, we do try hard not to disillusion Carlisle, our father figure, and keep our diet in check, always straying away from temptations, _far_ away, in my case.

_ So what is going on this time around with Edward?_ Not that he is the easiest person to read. But every once in a while, usually, I can still decipher what is going on in that self-derogatory head of his by his feelings alone.

And as of late, his feelings have been ranging from disturbed, to irritated, to amused, and back again, with interludes of happiness in between. But mostly, he borders on confusion and of course, the ever present _curiosity_.

But inexplicably, they seem to intensify with each dawning day. Which if I really put some thought behind it is extremely rare for Edward, since he rarely has so many varying emotions swirling within him.

In fact, he almost, _almost,_ seems to have gained some of his humanity back. The one he always claims to have lost to his inner demon. He tends to incline towards the overly dramatic, that one, as one can only note after spending some time getting to know him.

_ What exactly is this, Bella Swan, doing to our brother?_ I bitterly wonder for the hundredth time. I sigh. It seems impossible to decipher what is really going on in that head of his... Bella Swan has changed him so much and she has not been a direct influence, _yet_. I all ready dread the day… fast approaching.

In fact, just the other day, he had almost cut short our hunting trip because he was _worried_ about her _tripping_! Seriously, I do not wish or want to think it, but I'm beginning to believe that my brother might be turning or on his way to becoming one of those mental case Vampires that you see every once in a while through the decades and I cannot just accept that!

I have tried telling myself that I'm being irrational in my train of thinking, but the evidence is too great to ignore. Particularly when I have begun to noticed things like Edward's deliberate absences.

Apparently, he's begun to stay away from the house for long periods of time, just to _watch _this Bella of his _sleep_. I mean, come on, any way you put it, that is just plain boring, and weird, actually, _beyond_ weird, bordering on _creepy._

But nonetheless, I try to keep my thoughts to myself and not think them too loudly around him. Which would prove to be more of a challenge, had _actually _been around the house to listen in for more than it took him to get ready for school and the day ahead, which is never more than three minutes flat, let me tell you.

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"Jasper!" sings Alice's silvery voice. Swiftly, I hear as she cracks the door to my room open, only to find me still seated at my desk, pondering away.

With a welcoming smile curving the corners of my mouth, I make to stand from the worn seat of my desk and face her. Alice's a welcome interruption into my train of thought any time. Turning just as swiftly as Alice entered, I place a hand at her waist, for she's already in my arms, and hold her close.

Chuckling at the excitement that illuminates her eyes, I gently press my lips to hers. Enjoying their feel against my own, how they give and mold open for me alone, I take a moment to deepen the kiss.

"Yes, Alice?" I whisper against her mouth, tasting her name on my lips as I always do, each time I call for her. It always fascinates me, how I never tire of how _right_ her name feels being uttered through the passage of my granite lips, or how melodious my name sounds coming from hers, _j__ust as right. _

But best of all, is the knowledge that Alice feels the same way. After all, she is the one that came looking for me, knowing that I had been looking for her. Even before I had known that I had been looking for her, and that she would be the best thing that would ever happen to me, the only one I would need, _to have and to hold from this day forward…_

"They're here!" she exclaims. Excitedly bouncing and dancing on the balls of her feet, she presses her lips to mine once again.

Yes, I lost the bet. Edward is _indeed_ bringing his Bella over and introducing her to us. _Can you believe it?_ I know _I_ still cannot believe it. Even when I'm right here, waiting for their arrival, fully dressed for the occasion, I'm still in a state of disbelieve. However, it seems that my shock and disbelief have been replaced by simple and unadulterated _curiosity_.

In other words, I'm secretly looking forward to the meet. _Just, don't tell Alice. _For as long as it lasts, before she comes to her senses, goes off, running away from the den full of Vampires, and realizes that she's about to commit suicide, or simply seal her death contract, by agreeing to come here.

And sure enough, I pay attention and listen, Edward and Bella have arrived. I can just make out and hear the quiet purr of Edward's Volvo ignition extinguish and the driveway gravel crunching under its tires and weight.

_What kind of human _willingly _walks into a houseful of Vampires, honestly? _You see? This very question fuels my ever growing curiosity, despite my reservations.

"Are you ready?" I hear Edward ask her. He's nervous and fidgeting, I notice, surprised.

"No. But let's go," is Bella's nervous reply and I hear Edward chuckle, probably at her bravery, as the willing prey and the besotted predator enter the Vampire's den. I frown, Bella is nervous all right, just not the kind of nervous I would have expected from a-

"What are you thinking?" Alice interrupts, sincerely curious, just like a kitten. I cannot help but chuckle. "What?" She asks sternly, eyes narrowing. I raise my eyebrows at her but let slip my comeback reply. We do not need an argument to be issued at present time. I, too, am slightly nervous. Empathic here, remember?

"Nothing," I sigh dramatically, knowing that it will annoy her. I never did say that I did not have time to spare for a tiny bit of revenge, now, did I?

"Jasper-" she begins, eyes now slits.

But she's interrupted by Edward's following words, "Where are Alice and Jasper?"

I tens, the moment has finally arrived. Might as well, I try to smile reassuringly down at Alice but I suspect it came out as more of a grimace.

"Come on," I urge, taking hold of her hand, "Edward's calling for us. Let's not be rude to our guest and meet his Bella."

Alice pouts, almost on the verge of arguing but then remembers her previous excitement and follows my lead willingly. We exit my room, hand in hand, and head downstairs to follow through in the proceedings of good hosts.

Stealthily, we reach the foot of the stairs just as Bella hugs Esme in greeting, steps back, and searches the room for Alice and me. When Bella's eyes meet Alice's, Alice dances her way toward Bella.

"Bella!" Alice greets in singsong as she goes and wraps her arms around Bella in form of greeting. Bella, I can tell, is shocked by Alice's display of affection, as am I, but nonetheless, happy and relieved.

She probably thinks that Alice's mannerism of greeting her is very much like a human's, which admittedly, Bella's probably right. While they embrace, I see her eyes linger on mine, holding my undivided attention, and I obligingly find myself inclining my head in greeting, feeling slightly self-conscious.

Edward has warned me to stay well away from Bella. Admittedly, at first, I did not understand his warning and truth be told, I even felt slightly offended. True, I'm not as strong as he is at fighting my temptations and urges. But I do go to a school full to the crevices with every kind of sweet and imaginable temptation for a reformed and struggling Vampire.

Therefore, even though every once in a while I would find myself imagining different scenarios. Which included and were not limited to me luring one of the _humans,_ somewhere inconspicuous, and well, you know... _feasting_ in their exuberant elixir of life as a result of my witty and alluring charm.

Of course, none of this had ever comes to happen. Since Edward is always there to kick my chair under the table, before my thoughts get the best of me and I can start _acting_, rather than planning on those varying scenarios.

As Bella blushes at something that Alice had told her, something along the lines of "You do smell great, I never noticed before," I understood. Quivering and frigid, I allow myself to take another measured, cautious sniff and-

Bella _smells_ so _sweet_- and when she blushes, that only makes her scent even more maddeningly delicious and alluring, _pronounced._ In a word, _sublime_. Especially when I can see the blood patches, visible even to a human eye, pooling at the top of her highlighted cheeks, taunting me and daring my demon to just reach out and–

_Snap out of it!_ I tell myself in admonishment and blatantly unleash a wave of my power and soothing her nervousness, but most of all her embarrassment, for my sake. Before those rosy cheeks can sing to me more of that maddeningly tempting taunts those blood patches had begun to sing so abruptly.

Edward frowns at me but I simply shrug, and, with slight surprise, I notice that Bella is now looking at me, with a look that can only be saying nothing but 'Thank you, Jasper.'_ Edward must have told her about me,_ I assume rather smugly.

Esme's next words save me from further fighting my personal demon and the images of every enticing way I can lure Bella away from the rest to gorge and _feast_...

"Edward, why don't you play for her?" With some amusement, I notice that her tone carries a tenor of smugness. I observe that her smugness seems to resurface and swell into pride every time Edward's touch searches for Bella, or simply holds her close.

"I thought you said I shouldn't show off," Edward objects tauntingly with a smile that dominates his features. Bella, it seems, wants nothing more than to hear him play. She already regards him with such high esteem. From what I can _feel,_ she seems to think that he can do anything and everything, perfectly at that. I chuckled when she confirmed as much.

"There are exceptions to every rule." Esme assures him with a smile to the both of them, her smugness almost palpable to everyone around us. With that, Edward sighs with mock exasperation and takes Bella by the hand and away to sit at the piano bench with her at his side.

Taking this opportunity as my cue for dismissal, I more than willingly, along with the others, give them some privacy and head back to my room with Alice following close behind. In truth, I think I'm giving myself some privacy.

Unfortunately, I'm rapidly becoming well aware of the effects her taunting blood has on me. With exaggerated awe (if I may say so myself) I wonder how Edward can handle being around her and not give into his temptation. After all, according to him, she smells more appealing to him than she does to the rest of us or to me, but I swear, I must be a close second.

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"They look so good together," Alice sighs happily, "like they were made for each other."

"Sure enough," I agree with a small crease forming and deepening on my forehead, which I instantly try to cover up as I take residence on my previously emptied seat.

Though Alice does not press for the answers behind its cause, I know that the gesture did not escape her all seeing eyes. _All seeing eyes, how lame can I get? _I'm losing it... slowly but steadily. I'm sure of it.

"Do you think Edward told her all about us?" Alice asks, distracting me. I sigh. I'm thankful, though I don't have a right to be at the moment, much less an idea as to why I am thankful and much less _relieved._

"Like you don't know," I tease, searching her eyes, her face, and her mouth for answers that I do not have to search far or long for. They are right there on display.

Alice is smiling my favorite smile, the one that reaches her topaz eyes and lights them up from within. Pulling her and accommodating her in between my parted thighs by the waist, I kiss her then, and hold her close to me, wanting to prolong the kiss for as long as possible.

From the camber on either side of her waist, my hands meet at the small of her back and travel gently up the curving trajectory of her back, to the nape of her neck, and stops, cradling her gantry neck in my strong hands, which only know how to be gentle when it comes to her, to my Alice.

For a fraction of an immeasurable instant, my eyes and Alice's hooded eyes, under trembling eyelids, meet, and my eyes smile at hers, vulnerable in my exposure. The exchange leaves me feeling _breathless _and at a loss for words. Though I try to explain the swirling emotions being traded between us and struggle to put them into words, all that comes out is-

"Alice," a murmur of her name, a reverent praise against her parting lips. Making sure that my mouth never abandons hers, I muster all the love that I constantly feel for her by just _uttering_ her given name. "_Alice_."

"I love you too," her silvery reply reciprocates. My mouth smiles, opening my to trace my cold tongue along her inviting lower lip, quivering with the same want and need that currently threatens to consume me and which I'm more than willing to allow its tenure.

There is no one on this earth that knows what that gentle stroke means, better than Alice. And as if to attest this, she grants me entrance to her succulent ambrosia in silent response and I savor the memorable taste of Alice.

"I know," I whisper in her ear, where I have traced a series of butterfly kisses, starting from the hollow of her arching neck. Between whispers of nothingness and butterfly kisses, here and there, we marvel and acknowledge each other's presence, holding each other, suspended in time, needing nothing more than each other, and these innocent, fleeting touches to convey our meaning.

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And this is how I first became aware of Isabella Swan. The first time I really _saw_ her... my first _sight_ of her. True, you would have thought that going to the same school as her every day (with some deliberate exceptions) I would have taken notice of her before _now._ But I really had not, at least not prior to today.

I always have been too busy concentrating on not killing any unsuspecting, innocent civilians, to give her the time of the day. And now that I have, I wish I can go back to that ignorance, or somewhere, where I can be allowed to forget her unmistakably delicious scent, which will, forevermore be carved into my memory and my demon's.

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But that should not matter now. Alice is pulling me in, and I, blindly and willing, will follow her, even to the depths of damnation if that is where she wants me to follow. For her, and with her, I will do anything.

"I love you," we say together, in unison, forever bound to each other's spell. Or is it _damnation?_

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_**A/N: **If you so happened to be rereading this and are wondering why there are things that seem different or new, it is because I have gone back and re-edited the whole thing and made some improvements. If not, move right along to the next chapter and, "Thank you for reading and don't forget to Review." _


	2. My Darling, My Goddess

_**Formerly;**_

_But that should not matter now. Alice is pulling me in, and I, blindly and willing, will follow her, even to the depths of damnation if that is where she wants me to follow. For her, and with her, I will do anything._

_ "I love you," we say together, in unison, forever bound to each other's spell. Or is it _damnation_?_

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**oOo**

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**Memoirs of Her Scent**

** Chapter 2: **

_**My Darling, My Goddess**_

As I answer Alice's chaste kisses with my own, between our ragged breaths, I hear what can only be the sound of a silent, warm lone tear sliding down the length of Bella's ivory cheekbone. Right, _silent_; I chuckle onto Alice's lips as I listen to the frantic beat of Bella's fluttering heart as it stops and flutters again. If possible, it is even more frantic than before.

Alice, then, pulls away from me; far enough to gaze at my face and ask, with her curious eyes, a silent question, having noticed my distracted repertoire of kisses.

"Listen closely," I urge, as my reply, under her questioning gaze. She frowns momentarily; looking at me questionably before deciding to do just that, and listen.

Alice listens and almost immediately, understanding floods her flawless features, followed by the silliest of happy grins she can muster, she looked almost smug. I chuckle at her reaction and lower my lips to place a kiss by her jaw- she sighs with pleasure.

"Those tears aren't so silent," she murmurs, amused.

"No," I admit, "Not with her heart beating so frantically for us to hear."

Alice nods and with a chuckle, she appraises me, and asks in an almost inaudible whisper, "What are her feelings at the moment?"

"She feels like… she could die," I consent after a moment's thought of deciphering. Amused, due to Alice's shocked face, and for her benefit, I hasten to add, "From happiness, darlin'."

Alice instantly relaxes above me. "Oh," she breathes quietly, clearly relieved. Confirming, as I already had imagined, that Alice's mind had been formulating a plan in which she would attempt to bring Bella out of death's clutches, by force, if need be, even if it was against everyone's wishes. As stubborn as only Alice could be, I could clearly picture it and it brings a smile to my face.

Then, noticing my smile and registering what I had said, Alice smacks my head playfully, looking _'stern'_ but failing miserably as the ghost of a smile threatens to curve her lips and give her away as she gives in.

"Hey!" I protest, trying to sound disgruntled and failing, for my voice shook with laughter.

This is the face that only _I _get to see on a daily basis. Somehow, I always manage to unexpectedly surprise Alice. I guess it has something to do with the fact that it is I who conjures it out of her. And, hell, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel smug about it. Only _I _got to see Alice's surprised and flustered faces, brought on by _my_ actions.

"You deserved it," she grunts, unapologetically, as she kept on mumbling under her breath, too low for even my ears to catch what she is saying. But one thing I'm sure of, I had caught the words 'stupid Jasper' and what sounded like 'not funny at all' somewhere in between her huffed out words.

All the while she is huffing and looking at me with mock disgust and, of course, I pretend to be hurt and pout, giving her my best puppy dog eyes. It didn't work. Alice narrowed her eyes, shaking her head at me and clicking her tongue in disapproval.

I couldn't help but laugh, she can be so adorable when she pouts like this, almost making her irresistible, and then proceed to embrace her. Momentarily, fringing to struggle, Alice puts a restraining hand against my chest but then sighs in defeat and resigns herself against my arms as I taunt her with butterfly-kisses.

"Am I forgiven?" I question, staring at her with puppy eyes and making a point out of pursing my lips, nonetheless looking smug and not quite apologetic in the least. Besides, I know she sees right through my act. But that is the fun part and besides, I'm leading her on, if I may say so myself.

"I guess-" she sighs dramatically, "if I must."

"You know, you can't _really_ stay mad at me for any given length of time," I offer, shrugging lightly. I know, so modest of me, right?

"Oh, can't I?" she differs, raising one of her perfectly shaped brows in skepticism. After a moment's pause, Alice stands, leaving my lap and stands just a foot away from me, taunting smile in place. Pouting, I follow suit until I'm standing flush against her. Hearing her gasp, I smirk. As I suspected, my nearness still affects her.

I gaze down at her, with a crooked smile, which I know is her favorite, and while nodding, add, "Besides, you rein over me, darlin'." I caress her jaw sensually with my knuckles and with a smile I watch as her eyes flutter and struggle to stay open. "Your wish is my command, remember?"

Alice looks down at my chest then, a satisfactory smile gracing her lips. Her emotions at the moment tell me everything that her features cannot, had she been able to blush or her heart had been flutter frantically against her chest, like Bella's, would have betrayed her content embarrassment.

But just as swiftly as she had looked away, she gazes up at me, through long black eyelashes that flutter flirtatiously at me with a teasing look, and my breath hitches at the sight.

A teasing look that is clearly challenging me, and I'm up for the challenge, seductive in more ways than one and threatening to send my dead heart into a burst of frantic beating that would propel it bursting, right out of my chest. I am mesmerized, and can only think of how to expedite things out of control and give in to the temptation.

Tracing my fingertips from her cheekbone, along her jaw line, and all the way to her lips, lovingly, I caress her and try to grasp at some form of control I might still have left in me. All so that I can stop the lust surging through my body and menacing to combust my cold body, which is sure to be showing on my face through the medium of my topaz eyes.

Her reply came in the form of a chaste kiss as she props herself up on her toes, wraps her arms around my neck, and pulls me onto her closing the remaining distance as she dutifully tangles her fingers through my blond hair, right where I like her to hold onto for dear verve, at the nape of my neck, before I can bathe her with our twining pleasure.

With the free hand that isn't urgently and with care, trying to memorize every feature of Alice's face, I explored her back. Slowly, sending a shiver down her spine until, I, too, lace my fingers through her short tresses, right where it drives her crazy, above the base of her neck.

Carefully, making sure that she stays flush against me, I walk us back until Alice's back meets the resistance of a wall and I press myself against her. Our breathing is becoming more ragged by the minute as we continue to kiss, urgently, yet gently, and embrace each other as if the force of the notion with which we embrace will allow us to merge and melt into one.

Struggling for breath, I am the first to break our passionate kiss, silly I know. We both know that neither of us lacks the oxygen or need it. Actually, we can go through eternity without breathing once and still not need the oxygen.

Not that I'd tried, mind you, it is quite uncomfortable to go without a sense of smell for any length of time. The token of our previous past lives in which we were, as of yet, not damned, still, compels us to do at least this one natural thing and reminds us to breathe.

"Alice," I whisper onto her skin, where my lips had never left her, before bringing my lips onto hers once more and kissing her, if possible, with more passion and urgency than before.

The eagerness of my actions earns from her parted lips a moan of unadulterated ecstasy that spurs me on. Taking her parting lips into account and as an insinuation for admittance, I allow myself the notion of intoxicating myself with the nectar that she guards behind her inviting lips, only for my tongue to explore.

The way our nectar tastes, merging and clashing together, is something that to this day, is still hard to explain -it is sweeter than the sweetest honey this world can provide, more exhilarating than the most alluring blood, and much more _gratifying_.

My seeking fingertips travel the length of her neck and her throat, as I untwine our tongues and tease her lower lip with the tip of my cold tongue, building her shiver, before kissing her jaw and tracing my way down to the hollow at her throat with, tender, openmouthed kisses, leaving a glistening path in my wake.

"Jasper…" I hear her moan _my _name.

_There it is_ the seductive tenor that I have been trying, all along, to summon and hear escape her lips. The twin ends of my lips curve into a satisfied smile as I cradle her neck in the palm of my hand and bury my face into the crevice of her soft breasts.

"Jasper…"

Her body trembles deliciously against mine and my voice knows not how to form any other sound but the sound of her name, which tumbles next from between my lips.

"Alice…"

My voice, I am sure, comes out velvety red, laced with the traces of my love for her and the lust of the moment, there is nothing else to it. As Alice caresses her titillating fingers along my tousled hair, lovingly, I bury my face deeper into the crevice of her inviting, swelling breasts. Placing small, chaste kisses along the way and inhaling her scent, engraving it into memory with a ghost of a secret smile.

"I love you," The three simple but honest words escape my lips in a breathless manner as I gaze into her eyes imploringly; they hold nothing but love for their beholder to see. I sigh, placidly; Alice's eyes hold the same intensity that mine hold.

"I know," she assures me with the faintest of smiles, effectively taking my breath away. "I love you too, Jasper," she adds with a breathless sigh that did nothing to hide the smile that brightens her face and curves her lips. She does it in this peculiar way, which never fails to make me feel as if I have just unsuccessfully managed to hear her whispered secret. It is, earnestly sexy.

At that moment nothing else matters to me. Except, my Alice- my Goddess- as I stare into her eyes and drown myself in their ever present depth, relishing the moment. For an instant, everything seems to have been suspended in time, except for us, as we stand here, staring into each other, expressing our love for each other with unspoken words that seem to not posses rhyme nor rhythm. Simply -it just cannot be put into words.

None will suffice to articulate my feelings, nor those of my beholder. Unthinkingly, my hand moves to cradle Alice's face and she leans in, seeking and craving, toward my touch. Closing her eyes and sighing contently as my thumb finally caresses Alice's lips with uncanny precision and expertise.

Her eyes flutter open, however, just as swiftly as they had closed, after, a fraction of a second later and mirror, once more, the intensity and intimacy of my gaze, which holds us here, suspended, in a timeless dimension. All too soon, like everything else, it abruptly comes to an end.

Suddenly, Alice freezes, stiff, and her eyes look past me, probably through me, and gazes into a not so distance future, with her mind traveling away from me and concentrating in something that would and could be. Even though I was accustomed to this, and yet, I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy.

Every time the future took her away from me, where I couldn't follow, even if it was for a fraction of a second, I felt like it was taking something precious that I would never be able to get back again. It always makes me feel like she is out of reach and even though her body is physically here, being held by my arms, her mind isn't and that is unnerving and unacceptable.

Surely, anyone may think it silly for me to feel this way. After all, I have all of eternity to love and make love to my Goddess and, yet, I find that any given moment in which I am not doing just that is, indeed, a waste and a travesty. Just when I am growing impatient and after what seems a century to me, however, Alice comes back to me, and relief sweeps over me like a calming torrent.

"What did you see?" I ask her without masking the apprehension that engulfs my voice. Instead of answering, however, she drops her feet back on the floor, separates herself from me, grabs onto my hand, intertwining our fingers, and walks towards the door, dragging me along with her. Color me baffled and hurt. I allow it to manifest as a form of probing.

"We need to find Emmett and Rosalie," she explains, seeing my silent inquisition. Excitement brightens her eyes and I relax. At least she hadn't seen anything to worry about, this time around.

"Alright," I relent, grinning as she grins at me, it seems to be infectious. Emotions always are.

* * *

**...**

* * *

"Emmett, Rosalie, I'm barging in!" Alice announces as she barges into Emmett's room to find both, Rosalie and Emmett sitting on his love-sit couch, apparently discussing something that doesn't make Rosalie too happy. May the good Lord have mercy on His cards for all of us, this could get ugly. Because an unhappy Rosalie makes for an unhappy and miserable household, of that one can be certain.

"Hey, Alice," Emmett greets, unperturbed, seemingly distracted and defeated. "And Jasper, why don't you come in?" Rosalie hits him upside the head and he doesn't even flinch. Actually, his smile broadens.

Alice shakes her head and I snort. "Greetin's Emmett," I greet, bumping knuckles with him and nodding to dear Rose in greeting. She scowls in return before fixing Emmett with her evil eye once again. Emmett shrugs at me, inclining his head in his wife's direction and I answer with a knowing look.

There is much more to Emmett and his happy go lucky attitude and jokes perpetually full of nothing but innuendos, believe it or not. He, unlike many of our kind, especially me, is just severely optimistic most of the time, which at times irritating is actually very helpful and encouraging. That's why I like keeping the big oaf around, he makes me optimistic.

"I've got an announcement to make," Alice informs us with a smirk; obviously making a statement that she knows something we do not, which is always the case. I chuckle silently at this and Emmett simply rolls his eyes.

"What's wrong?" Rosalie asks while standing and glancing warily at Alice but seemingly radiating concern. Her wariness, however, is still _very_ dominant.

"Inpatient, aren't we?" teases Alice. Quickly, I move to her side and drape an arm around her waist, for precaution as Rosalie eyes the paperweight before returning her eyes to Alice's face. However, Alice just as easily dismissed it and Rosalie looks affronted. "I just want to see if Emmett would be ever so inclined as to enlightening me with a game of ball?" She trails off. "Since there's a storm coming," Alice continues as if it means nothing to her that Rosalie is looking an inch from murderous.

"Seriously?" Emmett asks, his features lighting up and his mischievous dimples making an appearance, clearly excited at the prospect. I cannot help but feel my spirits lifting along with Emmett's as well. There is seriously nothing better than a good game of baseball with the family.

"What do you think?" Alice nods and rolls her eyes as Emmett booms with excitement, hands in the air as he avoids another swat from Rosalie, who is now smirking, which, when it comes to her, is close to the equivalent of a smile these days.

"Of course I'm game!" Practically the whole house quivers with the sound of his booming voice. Alice and I smirk. "Don't you know me better than that woman?" He reprimands and I chuckles.

Despite her mood, Rosalie seems to get infected by Emmett's mood and begins to lighten, a smile visibly curving her lips. This is another reason we like keeping Emmett around, he melts Rosalie's cold exterior to smithereens by just acting like a child and smiling.

"Now, all we have to do is tell-" Alice didn't get to finish her sentence, however.

Since she is abruptly cut off by the sound of Edward's sudden growling, snapping the rest of us into inclined attention. Not a moment later, Bella's answer came, in the form of bewildered and disbelieving, _"You wouldn't?"_

If I know Edward, and I _do_ know Edward, whatever he is planning to do, he _will_ follow through. I wanted to tell Bella as much. But it sounds like she's all ready guessed as much, judging by the sound of her hastily shuffling feet scrapping against the carpeted flooring, seemingly backing away and retracting.

Tersely, we waited to hear what would happen next. Another growl sounded and suddenly, all that we could hear became the sound of Edward and Bella's colliding bodies hitting the opposite glass wall in his bedroom and Bella's muffled cry of surprise.

"What was that?" Emmet asks, curiously, to none in particular. But I cannot help but sense and detect a hint of concern in his emotions, which is tightly laced around his leading feelings of inquisitiveness. Though well masked, he couldn't fool me at all. Blame it on the empathy.

"Maybe Edward finally bit a chunk out of his _guest_?" Rosalie sneers innocently. Emmett and I roll our eyes. _Wishful thinking Rose._

"Not funny, babe," Emmett chastises and Rosalie manages to look slightly bashful. "I kind of find our guest endearing…"

_It's your funeral Emmett… _I think and grimace at the incensed glare Rosalie is now sporting. _Can we get out of here now, Alice? _I glance at Alice and find her frowning slightly. Her eyes meet mine and I silently tell her, _I think chunks are about to go a-flying…_

"We'll investigate," Alice offers.

_Alice to the rescue! _

Quickly taking a hold of my hand Alice and I dash out Emmett and Rosalie's bedroom door before we can witness the mess about to take place and proceed to head in the direction of Edward's room to _investigate_. Given that my curiosity has been tickled, I follow more than willingly.

Surely nothing happened? Edward had seemed well under control when he had been holding her just moments ago. _He wouldn't just, suddenly, loose it or anything like that, right?_

* * *

**...**

* * *

"Can we come in?" Alice asks softly from the hall as she wraps her knuckles on Edward's bedroom door and knocks. Meanwhile, I tersely struggle to sort out the feelings emanating through Edward's closed door toward me. They are sort of _perplexing _and so are the sounds of Bella's beating heart. There seems to be some kind of struggle going on. I frown. However, _laughter_ can be heard just behind it, too.

"Go ahead, come in, please," Edward relented with laughter in his tone. Alice opens the door without having to be told twice as Edward's voice carried itself to us.

Having opened the door, Alice dances her way past its threshold. For the meantime, I remain standing just over the threshold and gaze at the scene before me with brash interest. Staring at Edward and tasting the atmosphere with my unusual sensitivity and sensing the curiosity radiating from Bella and Edward's content ease, I lean further into the room.

My expression as I see and take in the scene before me must be a trifle shocked, I'm sure. Bella is conventionally seating on Edward's lap. Upon seeing us, her cheeks burn with a sweet taunting song, causing me to further pause at the door for precarious reasons and her safety. All in all, Edward seems at ease and in _total_ control.

Conversely, Alice seems to find nothing wrong with their embracing. With a smile on her face, she continues to walk -dance really, in that peculiar graceful way of hers- to the very center of the room, where she folded herself lithely onto the floor, content.

"We came to investigate," Alice announces shamelessly. By her tone and emotions I can tell she is still smiling, smugly at that, though I couldn't see her face, since her back was to me now. "It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share." Bella stiffens for an instant, until she realizes that Edward was _grinning _-her trust in Edward impeccable. I frown at that, _seems like her sense of preservation went right out the window._

One thing I learn, Bella blushes easily, with almost no effort required. And that does not help my predicament or hers, for that matter. Given that each time she blushes, her blood boils in the most alluring way, _beckoning_. Making me want to throw caution to the wind and lose control, when I know I mustn't.

_As such, I must try to stay away._ _In fact, staying right here by the door seems more of a good idea, by the blushing minute._

I don't want to suffer my brother's wrath. Not that we are not an even match, but because he is my brother… and I love him. And I wouldn't want to be the one to make him sad by taking his new found reason for living away from him. I wouldn't want anyone, for that matter, to take his happiness away from him.

Not as long as I have the strength to fight for it. Edward is my brother and I like to see him happy, like he is now, with Isabella Swan in his arms. If seeing him happy means that I've got to be very careful around this Bella in order to keep her well, breathing, and alive, so be it.

_Thank you, Bella, for coming into his life…_ _Someday, I'll be able to tell this to her, face to face. For now, I'll watch over the both of you and make sure that no harm comes to either of you. My Alice, my Goddess, likes you, so that's good enough a reason for me to like you. _

_ And so, until I can express my plenitude of 'Thank Yous', keep making Edward happy. You are family now. You are our sister, and Edward's girl… _

_That's funny, there's- Nah, it couldn't possibly be._

_Anyway, Bella, you are now a part of the Cullen's clan. _That thought definitely puts an undeniable and unmistakable smirk on my face. _Welcome to the family, Bella Swan._

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

_** A/N: **__This chapter has been fully revised and edited for your continued enjoyment. Hopefully the improvements are agreeable. Thank you all for reading and reviewing. Always remember to REVIEW!_

* * *

_ Because this is something I did not want to lose from before… since I'm still very thankful to all this amazing people for reading and some continuing to read to this day._

_ Thank you;_

_** Sheena Is A Punk Rocker**__, __**edwardlover2008**__,__**IpreferVerticallyChallenged**__, __**ange-twi-action**__, __**deepcutfighter**__,__**egweneblack**__, __**shinigaby**__, __**dark88poet**__, __**DessimatedDreamer**__, __**M0jojojo**__, __**X-Lily-Evans X**__, __**AdrianaJoy**__, __**Alarielle**__, __**GussGuss**__, __**highbrass**__, __**noangel16**__, __**prettydevil4295**__, __**cutebunnybabe**__, __**EdwardsOtherWoman**__, __**JessC101**,__ and __**Taimat.**_


	3. The Game

_**Formerly;**_

_ You are family now. You are our sister, and Edward's girl…_

That's funny, there's- Nah, it couldn't possibly be.

Anyway, Bella, you are now a part of the Cullen's clan_. __That thought definitely puts an undeniable and unmistakable smirk on my face._ Welcome to the family, Bella Swan.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

** Chapter 3: **

_**The Game**_

"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share." Bella stiffens for an instant, until she realizes that Edward was grinning -her trust in Edward impeccable. I frown at that, seems like her sense of preservation went right out the window.

"Sorry, I don't think I have enough to spare," Edward replies, his arm holding Bella recklessly close, causing her to blush once again. For a moment, I am impressed and shocked, but it quickly comes and passes.

"Actually," I interject, smiling despite myself and allow myself to walk into the room, "Alice says there's going to be a real storm tonight, and Emmett agreed to play ball once she told him." I smile winningly. "Are you game?"

Apparently the context of my words confuses Bella. However, I can tell that she gathers Alice to be more reliable than the weather man, and she is right. _If_ that's what she is thinking, which, even though I can't read minds like Edward -and he can't even read hers- seems to be the case.

I see Edward's eyes light up, but he seems hesitant as his gaze turns to Bella. I stare at the both of them with curiosity, a frown adorning my granite features, and contemplate on the abandonment with which Edward expresses himself in front of his Bella, his human girlfriend.

He seems completely at ease, being himself in front of Bella. She, too, seems at ease as if the events that unfold before her are second nature to her and natural, when obviously, they are anything _but_. Again, I find myself thinking that Bella Swan is an interesting and foolish little human.

Normally, the human reaction to us is to feel scared witless and, or flee. Or simply, have the urge to kill such appalling creatures which tarnish their society and threaten their day to day existence. Bella is different in every aspect to this norm, and this has been the cause of Edward's prolonging suffering.

For he couldn't believe, though it now made him happy, that Bella would so easily accept him, a vampire, a killer, and a predator, and reciprocate his feelings. It disturbed him to no end. But then again, here he is, holding her as close as possible with no foreseeable reasons for him to let go any time soon in the near future, if he could help it or had any say in it.

Once again, I wonder about what would have happened, had Edward never confessed his feelings for her. Would he have gone mad? Or, perhaps, Edward would have become lost in his own grievance, while we were forced to watch helplessly and began to lose a member of our family?

Edward's dilemma had really troubled and affected us all in different levels. Especially Esme and Rosalie, the most affected of our group. Then again, what Rosalie has been feeling is eminent jealousy and yes, there is a depth to her jealousy.

Actually, her jealousy ran deeper than even I could have fathomed, had I been looking from the outskirts. Rosalie seems to be unable to grasp and come to terms with the fact that someone like Bella would, _willingly_, want to be a part of our eternal damnation.

Therefore, Bella going as far _thinking _of abandoning everything that Rosalie had been so brutally stripped of in the past and would now give anything and everything to have once more, and knowing that it is impossible, while Bella still had that _choice_… Simply, idles Rosalie and puts her on edge, making the sound of Bella's name and any mention of Bella herself, resonance like a curse in the midst of a silent night.

And the fact that Edward desires this child, does not improve her odds, either. Since Edward hadn't given the always desired, Rosalie Hale, a second glance when she had joined him and Carlisle. Though, admittedly Carlisle had brought her to Edward, in the high hopes that he would choose her as his companion, mate and end his eternal solitude. But he hadn't, Edward was and is a stubborn teenager, who will eternally remain so, never changing.

"Of course you can bring Bella," Alice chirps, causing me to throw a quick glance in her direction, but not quick enough, Bella had probably caught.

"Do you want to go," Edward asks Bella, excitedly, his expression vivid.

"Sure." Bella replies. She seems to struggle as not to disappoint Edward, though her answering voice didn't given any of that away, only the telltale uncertainty in her emotions, which only _I _can detect. "Um, where are we going?"

"We have to wait for thunder to play ball -you'll see," Edward promises in reply.

"Will I need an umbrella?"

The three of us laugh aloud. Leave it to Bella Swan to worry about such trifle matters. Once more Bella's peculiarity reaches out to me. She seems unquestionably comfortable here, talking with us as her equals, even though she is completely surrounded, in a home that is packing with seven lethal Vampires that can strike at any given moment without warnings and preambles.

And I assure you, had that been our resolve, she wouldn't have been able to survive. There would be no escaping her fate, had we chosen to end her life. However, we hadn't and we wouldn't. Now I find myself amazed by her boldness. Bella had _willingly_ stepped into our den, the child had guts, and I give her that. And unable to ignore such facts, I find myself admiring her in this new light.

"Will she?" I ask my sweet Alice.

"No." Alice is positive. My eyes venture to Bella's and I watch for her emotions attentively and gather that Alice's simple word seems to be the only reassurance that she needs. However, Alice continues to explain, "The storm will hit over tow. Leaving the clearing where we'll play dry enough."

"Good then," I say simply. Feeling ecstatic with enthusiasm and it is catching around the room, and naturally, Bella seems eager, rather than rigidly scared.

"Let's go see if Carlisle will come," Alice urges and bounds up to the door in a fashion of heart breaking fluidity, grabbing my hand in the process. On the way out, I manage to inconspicuously close Edward's door behind me.

"Like you don't know," I tease, and we were swiftly on our way.

"What will we be playing?" I hear Bella ask Edward, in a fashionably demanding tone. _Yeah, she's definitely something, _demanding_ something from a Vampire._

"_You_ will be watching," Edward clarifies. The corners of my mouth quirk into a smirk I cannot hold back. The little human actually thought she'd get to _play _alongside the Vampires made of diamond? _Amusing, little Swan,_ I chuckle silently. "_We_ will be playing baseball."

"Vampires like baseball?" Bella's tone is incredulously amused as I vividly picture her rolling her eyes.

"It's the American pastime," Edward replies with mock solemnity. My smile widens and I chuckle audibly.

By now, Alice and I have reached the door to Carlisle's study and silently we pushed it open without knocking. We proceed to enter, and as expected, there sits Carlisle with an open book in hand. Quietly engrossed in his reading with Esme to his right side and holding onto his free hand. Prior to our appearance, she had been watching Carlisle intently, an adoring smile stretching and curving her lips, trying not to miss anything he did, not even a frown.

Now that we had entered the room and interrupted their comfortable companionship, Carlisle and Esme, after one last lingering look at her husband's face, look up between Alice and I and acknowledge our presence with a warm and inviting smile as we continue to make our way to the very foot of the desk behind which they sat, still holding hands.

"What's in your mind, my dear Alice," Carlisle inquires with a smile and puts his book down, as he spots Alice's mischievously excited face. Got to admit, the man knows her well.

As a result, I cannot help but cough in an attempt to cover the laughter that escapes my smirking lips, it does not work. Alice swiftly glares at me and I gaze back, attempting to look somewhat remorseful and failing terribly; _oh, I will be in sweet trouble for this later._

"Yes, what brings you here?" Esme urges, "Speak your minds for you seem to want to ask us something. Alice, Jasper?"

"There's going to be a real storm tonight," Alice announces, voice lacing with implication, "We figured we could play some ball and the others have all ready agreed." I smile encouragingly, nodding. "And so we wanted to see if you would join us." Carlisle and Esme look at each other with a swift smile and a glint in their eyes, understanding.

"I believe, I'm sure," Carlisle pauses, smiling, "that you already know our answer to your cordial invitation." It isn't a question but rather, a statement. And from where I stand, I can taste and feel the excitement and amusement that dominates both Carlisle and Esme's emotions.

"Clearly," Alice nods, "I just thought it polite to ask."

"Thank you, we will gladly join you," Carlisle says, appreciatively, with a calm smile adorning his lips, while Esme nods and smiles, also agreeing, along with her husband and our patriarch.

"Will Bella, alongside Edward, be joining us?" Inquires Esme and looking hopeful, glances between Alice and me for confirmations. Clearly, she all ready loves Bella and has taken it upon herself to adopt her as another one of her daughters and without hesitation. Now, that's Esme for you.

"Yes, Bella agreed to it. And now the both of them are on their way to Charlie's, to see if he is agreeable," Alice replies smugly, I simply grin.

"Obviously, he'll say yes?" I offer.

Alice huffs, smugly, rolling her eyes and nods eagerly, causing Carlisle, Esme, and I to burst out laughing as she pretends to look indignant, while attempting to hide her own fits of laughter which are beginning to curve the corners of her lovely mouth.

Alice's lips fleetingly distract me, causing my laughter to cease, while their parting semblance allures and begs me to lean over and kiss them, when a rich chant of silvery laughter escapes her mouth. My desire must have been showing, for Carlisle chose to interrupt my tormented longing at that very moment.

Distantly, I think I hear Carlisle clear his throat and call my name. But I pretend not to hear, still captivated by Alice's mouth and my desire to kiss it.

"Jasper?"

"Umm…" My distracted response is but a hum, as Carlisle calls my name a third and final time, his voice sounds foreign to my ears as if spoken by total a stranger.

Alice catches my gaze as I try and fight to tear my gaze from my flawless goddess, whose gaze becomes sheepishly seductive and inviting with a daring glint. I love how I can still make her feel sheepish, a woman who is never shy in any way or form. Who would have thought, looking at her now?

"You mentioned the others have agreed, even Rosalie?" Carlisle continues, once my eyes, with much regret, finally tore away from Alice's face and mouth, sought his, and, now, met them.

"Yes," I sigh, "they were the first to know."

"Right, thank you." Lastly, we are cordially dismissed, "Off you go now."

"Alice," I say, offering my hand for her to take. Gladly, Alice twines her fingers with mine, sending waves of electricity from her fingertips to mine and up my arm. I smile and so does she. Her serenity tells me that she feels the shock too.

"Carlisle, Esme," I bid curtly, inclining my head respectfully to each in turn with a genuine smile, which the promptly return.

With Alice in tow, I retrace our steps from earlier and in one swift movement we are out of Carlisle's study and on our way to our room. Being of one mind, Alice knows that I am thinking about our earlier interruption and understands that we are on our way to drown ourselves in each other's embrace. And if I'm to allow myself to go by what her emotions are telling me, she is eagerly looking forward, as I am, to pick up right where we left off earlier.

* * *

…

* * *

Apart from our lips seeking each other urgently and longingly and our straying hands caressing as much and as far as they can, Alice and I have no need for further physicality at the moment. Simply, I relish in the senseless way that her touches makes me feel as they leave icy traces of fire upon my skin when she touches me and in knowing, as I taste her, that I have the same effect on her.

Like I mentioned before, I have forever to make love to her, there is no rush, and besides, even though we have nothing _but_ time, it seems like at the moment we do not have the _sufficient_ amount, given that the allotted time we have been provided with before the game will only be adequate for teasing and seducing, foreplay alone.

* * *

…

* * *

As we arrive and begin to make our way toward the clearing that will witness, once more, like so many times before, our crazed games of baseball, the drizzling that had persisted throughout the evening, until now, stopped. Just like Alice had predicted it would. Glancing around the familiar clearing, I noticed that nothing had changed since we'd last played a good game. The only thing that _is _different is everyone's varying emotions.

Emmett and Esme are pleased and happy that Bella will be joining us, Carlisle, pleased that Esme and Edward were going to enjoy this game in the company of Bella, Rosalie, pretending to remain unaffected, Alice, she's almost vibrating with excitement and anticipation, and I, I'm not sure as to what I am feeling. Everyone's emotions seem to drown my own and I cannot seem to reach it long enough to decipher what's going on within me.

While we wait for Edward and Bella to arrive Carlisle occupies himself with marking the perimeter for our game, while Alice and I chat away at the very heart of the field, and Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie sit on a bare outcropping of rock, about a hundred yards away from were Bella and Edward are bound to be arriving through shortly.

A roar of laughter interrupts us momentarily and we take a moment to look in the direction from which it came from, positive that it had been Edward laughing. At what exactly is he laughing? I wonder, and I'm not sure. But that doesn't matter at the moment; I'm beginning to feel the rush of the game as it sweeps through all of us and drowns me.

Edward has indeed arrived, I can hear and make out his proceedings, and Bella is with him, following right behind him on unsteady footing. Even before my eyes are able to see her, I _smell_ her. And I almost doubt my nose, upon realizing that Bella smells even more appetizing in the drizzling rain and with her damp hair, even from such a great distance, tantalizing me with each beckoning sway.

_I _will_ be in control,_ I try telling myself before my resolve can plummet and dwindle. Alice is immediately at my side, closer than before, holding my hand and squeezing reassuringly. Glancing at her in thanks, I smile tightly and try to breathe as much of Bella as possible.

A precautionary necessity, before she actually appears before me and it becomes a free for all, where I cannot be certain of whether or not I will be able to control my urges and let her walk away alive, or with my sanity intact. As they finally appear and everyone closest to them, but Rosalie, greets them, Alice leaves my side and glides her way toward them.

"It's time," Alice announces. And sure enough, as soon as she says the words, a deep rumble of thunder begins to shake the forest beyond us, and then crashes westward, toward town. A few more words are exchanged, before Edward and the others that have been greeting Bella, except for Esme, can join Carlisle and I on the field.

Even though I'm aware of the fact that the game is about to commence and I am eager for it, my focus remains on the human who's been left in Esme's capable care. With mild curiosity, I follow Esme and Bella's approaching forms, walking towards us, at human rhythm, up to the clearing where Bella will be able to watch the game without being in harm's way.

Throughout the short walk Esme is talking amiable with Bella. Judging from the different surges of emotions running through Bella, I gather that Esme must be sharing with her, her own personal story of how she was rescued by Carlisle, her compassionate husband, and became what she is today. Smiling slightly, I am pleased by what I _feel _from Bella, and even more so when I realize it is not _pity_. Esme doesn't like it when people hear her story and feel pity.

When Esme finally stops, so does Bella beside her, having reached the very edge of the field upon which we were about to begin our game. By now we had organized ourselves into teams of two, all we needed was for Esme to give us the word and we would start.

"All right," Esme calls in a clear voice that carries to us. "Batter up."

Alice stood rod straight on the Pitcher plate, right across from my position as a Catcher, holding the ball with only her thumb, index, and middle finger and keeping both hands at her waist. And then, like the striking of a cobra, her right hand flicks out and the spinning ball smacks into the center of my awaiting palm.

_The game has begun._ I hurl the ball back into my Alice's awaiting hand. She permits herself a brief smile, which she sends my way and I in turn return. And then her hand spins out again. This time, however, bat made it around in time to make contact with the ball and sent it zooming back with a sound like a thunder clap.

Suddenly distracted by certain emotions, I zone in on them and feel understanding coming off of Bella's emotions, and glance briefly in her direction as everyone around me, except for Alice and I, scurries into a flurry of motion, trying to catch the flying ball.

"Home run," I hear her mutter, just briefly. _Not quiet, _I smirk and turn my head back in the game.

"Wait," Esme cautions her, listening intently, one hand raised.

Emmett is now running around the bases and Carlisle shadows him impeccably. Edward goes to fetch the ball, his emotions vivid with the want of showing off for his mate and doing the thing he loves most, running.

Though I suppose that will come in second now, I muse. Or whatever priority that might fall in now, because obviously loves being with Bella most and will probably never exchange his time with her for anything. Now he seems to have fallen into the habit of taking her with him to do the things he most cherishes, showing it off to her, and well, making it even more memorable, every step of the way, I doubt that's going to change any time soon.

With a smirk and a bemused shake of my head, I watch as Emmett exuberantly does makes it, in fact, to homerun before Edward can catch him and he makes sure to flaunted, hollering with the rush of the chase. Next up, it is Rosalie to bat.

Since she carries a mean punch, as one can imagine, she also has an amazing arm when it comes to batting and sending the ball right out of the park. Much to Emmett's smug pride and cheering, which puts a smile on her face and changes her entire demeanor, relaxing her into _enjoying _the game the way she should and allowing me to further relax and enjoy the game myself.

As we continue playing, I cannot help, for some inexplicable reason, but feel embarrassed as I race to first base and Carlisle collides with me, the sound thunderous like two massive falling boulders. Amidst my embarrassment, however, I content myself in realizing that Bella is jumping up in concern for Carlisle's and my well being.

_So her love does extend to the family as well and not just where Edward is concerned, _I observe from the corner of my eye and try to send a little reassurance her way_._ That's good, proves that she can easily fit into a large household, even if that household is one filled with vampires.

When Edward catches the third out Emmett's team is still up by one. Taking a break, he sprints to Bella's side, sparkling with excitement to question on her opinion and what she thought of the game thus far. Vaguely listening in on their conversation, I occupy myself with the meager task of evening out the field once again, until something Bella says catches my attention-

"I'm a little disappointed," she points out.

I frown, feeling just as curious and confused as Edward's emotions inform me he is.

"Why?" Edward asks, voicing his puzzlement.

"Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn't do better than everyone else on the planet," Bella explains with a smile in her voice.

_Oh, so she had been teasing him,_ I think, slightly disappointed. By now, without even looking at the pair of them, I can feel that Edward is smiling, leaving her breathless- and for some reason that…

"I'm up," Edward informs her, heading for the battering plate.

After that, the score constantly changed as the game continued and we razzed each other like street ballplayers, taking turns in the lead. The thunder rumbled on, but we stayed dry, as my Alice had effectively predicted.

* * *

**...**

* * *

Carlisle is up to bat and Edward is catching, when, suddenly, my goddess gasps and without reservations, I race to her side. Edward, as usual, meets her eyes and something flows between them in that instant. He is at Bella's side before I or any of the others can ask Alice what is wrong. At times like this, Edward irritates and evokes my ire. I never have thought it fair, how he knows what is wrong with my Alice before I do.

"Alice?" Esme's voice is tense, just like I feel.

"I didn't see- I couldn't tell," Alice whispers upon meeting my concerned and questioning gaze. All the others had gathered by this time, surrounding us.

"What is it, Alice?" Carlisle asks with the calm voice of authority that he always took when addressing a reluctant Alice. Carlisle's false calm makes me want to grab Alice by the shoulders and shake her, until she says something, _anything _to end my torment_. _Instead, I remain still, like the others, and impatiently wait for Alice to open her mouth and finally speak.

"They are traveling much quicker than I thought. I can see I had the perspective wrong before," she murmurs. I flinch; I know how much Alice hates to admit that she is mistaken. Tonight, I would comfort her. But right now, we need more information than what she is giving us.

I lean over her, my posture protective. "What changed?" I ask her, I need to let her understand that it might have been a _change_ rather than a _mistake_.

"They heard us playing, and it changed their path," she answers, contrite, feeling responsible for what has frightened her, for what she has witness.

My eyes, along with six other pairs, flash to Bella's face in understanding and away.

"How soon?" Carlisle asks, now directing his words to Edward. A look of intense concentration crosses his face as he searches for the answer.

"Less than five minutes," Edward scowled to my dismay, "They're running- they want to play." I can feel the tides of anger, frustration, and annoyance that flood through his body as my own and try to put some semblance of a barrier against it but I am unable to.

"Can you make it?" Carlisle asks him, his eyes flickering to Bella again.

"No, not carrying-" He cuts short. "Besides, the last thing we need is for them to catch the scent and start hunting."

"How many?" Emmett asks Alice. He seems excited and I fight the urge to growl at him.

"Three," Alice answers tersely.

"Three!" he scoffs arrogantly. "Let them come." His steal bands of muscle flex along his massive arms. That's Emmett for you, always looking for a challenge. Carlisle deliberates for a long pause. Yes, even to me it seems long. Only Emmett seems unperturbed. I along with the rest stare at Carlisle's face with anxious eyes, waiting to hear what our patriarch has to say in regards of how to handle this situation.

"Let's just continue the game," Carlisle finally decides. My eyes narrow incredulously. His voice, however, is as cool and leveled as always, commanding no further arguments. "Alice said they were simply curious." All this is exchanged in a flurry of fluid words that last only a few seconds.

For some reason, I feel like I'm lost in translation, listening to the exchange of words and pieces of conversations, only none of it makes sense and I cannot understand a word of it.

"Are they thirsty?" I hear Esme ask Edward with the silent vibrations of her lips, so that Bella cannot hear. Edward shakes his head and a look of relief spreads across her face.

Suddenly, I'm back in the realm of understanding and I find that I want to shake some sense into Esme too. _Doesn't she know better than to feel relieved because they're not _thirsty_?_ Whether or not they _are_ thirsty, if they are _hunters, _there will be trouble, either way.

"You catch, Esme," Edward says. "I'll call it now." And he proceeds to plant himself protectively in front of Bella. _Bella_? Momentarily shocked by the sudden realization that she's still here, I take a moment to examine her emotions. Surprise, surprise, the girl _is_ scared for once, just not as scared as she _should _be.

The rest of us dutifully return to stand once gain in the field. Warily we all sweep the dark forest with sharp eyes. Alice and Esme orientate themselves in the direction where Bella and Edward stand.

"Take your hair down," Edward is telling Bella in a low, even voice. Only, I can feel the war brewing beneath the mask of reserve.

Obediently, Bella slides off the hair tie holding her long tresses in place. Unable to do otherwise, I watch as her ponytail comes undone by her hand and she shakes her head, causing the dark cascading tresses to gather and settle naturally around her delicate shoulders. Swallowing thickly, I cannot help but be a bit of a pessimist and think that that isn't going to work. Bella still smells too appealing and delectable, edible.

"The others are coming now." She stated the obvious.

"Yes, stay very still, keep quiet, and don't move from my side, please." Edward hides the distress from his voice well. But I am sure Bella can hear it as well I can. He pulls Bella's long hair forward, around her face, trying but failing to cover up her scent.

"That won't help," Alice says softly. "I could smell her across the field." As I do, too, unfortunately.

"I know." A hint of frustration colors his tone, Bella does not miss it. _So attentive for a human…_

Carlisle stands at the Pitching plate, and we rejoin the game halfheartedly. The seconds tick by; the game progresses with apathy now, all our previous vividness gone. No one dares to hit harder than a bunt, and Emmett, Rosalie, and I hover in the infield.

Now and again, Rosalie's eyes dart toward Bella. Something that Bella did not miss despite the fear that numbed her. To Bella's eyes they might have seem expressionless but to mine, they show a very livid Rosalie, as I have never seen before.

Edward pays no attention to the game at all, eyes and mind ranging through the forest. He is aggravated with himself.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I hear him mutter fiercely to his Bella. "It was stupid, irresponsible, to expose you like this. I'm so sorry." A wave of remorse washes over me, from his direction, as he says this. Suddenly, his breathing stops and his eyes zero in on the right field. I follow suit and I hear them before I see them.

He angles himself in front of Bella, taking a half step to stand between Bella and what is coming. Carlisle, Emmett, and the others turn in the same direction, hearing as well the sounds of passage, before seeing the intruders themselves.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

_**A/N: **Another fully revised chapter that hopefully has less mistakes than before... Thank you for reading!_


	4. Cataclysm

**_Formerly;_**

_ "I'm sorry, Bella," I hear him mutter fiercely to his Bella. "It was stupid, irresponsible, to expose you like this. I'm so sorry." A wave of remorse washes over me, from his direction, as he says this. Suddenly, his breathing stops and his eyes zero in on the right field. I follow suit and I hear them before I see them._

_ He angles himself in front of Bella, taking a half step to stand between Bella and what is coming. Carlisle, Emmett, and the others turn in the same direction, hearing as well the sounds of passage, before seeing the intruders themselves._

* * *

**…**

**…**

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

** Chapter 4:**

**_ Cataclysm_**

Ranging a dozen meters apart they emerge, one by one from the forest edge, and just like Alice had predicted, there are three of them. Two are male and the other is a female with a chaotic assortment of fiery hair whipping behind her like an agitated flame in the wind, feline features with precise and sharp lines, and crazed claret eyes, which she shares with the other two; the color that belong to those who kill without remorse, and give in to their thirst without conscience, or remorse.

Once, I too was like that, during the times of never-ending merciless war days. Currently, I'm still fighting against that part of me, the demon that wants to prowl, hunt, soar from its preys paralyzing fear, and lastly, devour the crimson liquid of immortals' feast. But compared to them, no matter how much my demon tries to push me aside and take full control, I always feel the remorse that they cannot feel because of their demons. For I've never known what it is like to forget one's humanity entirely. My strange endowment has never allowed me the audacity, or the pleasure of _not_ feeling, and at times, I wish it did.

Nevertheless, unlike any other Vampire of my kind, every time I kill someone, I feel their pain, sorrow, and terror as my own. And yet, that does not overpower, or deter, the demon and its burning thirst, which I constantly feel, at the back of my throat. At least, not enough for me to make me want to stop the thirsting instinct, want, and need of the hunt long enough to try and overtake the predatory side, which always manages to take over when I thirst.

The intruding coven before us is cautious and curious. However, from what I can feel and witness in their behavior, they seem wary about meeting a coven as large as ours, which at least is encouraging in some ways. Given that they _are_ trespassing into our territory uninvited, they should, at the very least, show some signs of precaution and a little apprehension. Especially with little lethal me in the midst of it all, not that I'm bragging, but I'm pretty good, quick, and clean when it comes to taking heads off shoulders.

Following Carlisle's lead, Emmett and I gradually step forward without bringing too much attention to ourselves, close in on the three human drinkers, surrounding them, and hope that they are intimidated enough by the nonverbal warning our stances are portraying, which my body is sure to be projecting right now without my consciously meaning to.

Without further preamble, after a few words of greetings are exchanged, they introduce themselves by name as Laurent, James, and Victoria. Carlisle, cordial as only he can be, extends the three of them an invitation into our home, no guises, and they are visible shocked, perplexed even, to find that we have a permanent home, here at Forks. But then again, all nomads are amazed to find any Vampire with permanent roots any one place.

Just when Laurent is in the process of accepting or declining Carlisle's invitation on behalf of the three of them, a light breeze ruffles Bella's hair and I stiffen as I smell her appealing scent. Everything seems to go completely void of sound or movement for the span of a heartbeat and then, the atmosphere takes a chaotic turn. And then, everything seems to go as wrong as it can go.

So fast, too fast, even for my eyes to take or my ears to process and my mind to comprehend, my eyes witness the transformation that possess the second male, James, as he is suddenly scrutinizing Bella with unquestionable interest, his nostrils flaring and his eyes dilated to eclipsing black and _hungry_. I feel, rather than see, Edward go emotionally stiff, before a sense of panicked protectiveness takes over.

In a matter of alternating seconds, right before our eyes, James' demeanor alters and he becomes the _hunter_. A dangerous mindset, for now he only sees Bella as his prey and every single one of us as nuisances that might get in the way of him obtaining the price. And now that he has the perfect prey, his mind is set and he will stop at _nothing _to obtain it, he will have her, one way or another, I could tell.

And then, what follows happens in a matter of five slow seconds, before time picks up again;

A shiver runs up James' spine and he licks his lips in anticipation, letting the thrill of the hunt ahead take over as he catalogs the situation and fully takes into account the probability that we just _might _ruin his hastily calculated equation. Something that only I notice thanks to the many years spent in combat, training newborns, and calculating against those that were opposed, or in the way of, what I needed to do and where my next move would lead me.

Because it was something that _I _had once felt, coursing through my body, like an electric current of exertion and exhilaration all in one, something wicked and all consuming _thrilling_, I felt elated with anticipation. My eyes and my stance _almost _daring and hoping for the fight to happen, no matter how senseless hoping and wanting for it was.

If James is half as smart as his hunting rush might allow him to be, he would have realized by now that there is a big difference between any other of his previous hunts and conquest to this one. And that is, this new 'prey' is actually being heavily protected by opponents that present him with a sweet challenge and are not about to back down.

Even so, this prospect adds to the thrill of the kind of hunt he has in mind to carry out in order to ultimately obtain his target prey, because the kind of challenge we present, is _exactly_ what he has been looking and hoping to encounter at least once during a hunt. Apparently, James is a morbid and sick thrill seeker, easily bored by anything that doesn't present a challenge to him.

All this I can detect and capture from the air around him in an instant, and it disgusts and makes me jealous. Though, I cannot quite comprehend or pinpoint the source as to _why_ the jealousy. I frown, calculating the different scenarios, turning points, and decisions this situation might force us into acting upon. _There are so many variables and the possibilities are endless…_ and I can practically feel my demon purr with the realization, also looking forward to getting unleashed for a change.

Apart from the risks that point to a likelihood in which Bella might end up getting hurt and, or, killed, there's a kind of static and tangible hum in the air, around each and every one of us, making way to the anticipation and eager expectation of a fight in the horizons. Then again, I might be projecting both Emmett's and my undeniable desire for a potentially good fight. Won't lie about that, I'm _always_ itching for a good fight.

Unless his coven decides to back down and settle things peacefully and walks away without so much as a glance back, _maybe_ there won't be any body parts torn apart and burned unnecessarily. But judging by the obstinate look in James' eyes, that alternate route is not even _close_ to a probability at this point and much less in his vocabulary, I would wager.

Now, the seconds decide to catch up to the minutes and the hands of the clock start inexorably ticking again, abruptly and swiftly, cutting through the brusqueness of the moment relentlessly when─

Unexpectedly, a swift rigidity falls over all of us as James lurches himself forward, with one step, into a crouch. I sigh. _Just as I suspected it would happen, predictably._ Still keeping a vigilant gaze on James, I train my eyes on Edward to see him counters James' actions by bearing his teeth and crouching before Bella, defending his mate from the imminent threat.

Next, a feral snarl rips through Edward's throat, echoing threateningly and daring James to do anything more than what he's all ready done, and inexplicably, I feel a snarl of my own burning and threatening to tear out my throat. Immediately and feeling slightly startled, I clamp down my mouth, successfully silencing my warning before it can even be issued.

"What's this?" Laurent asks with open surprise displayed in his face. From what I can read, his emotions, now those, they tell another different story entirely. They are weary, on the wire, and annoyed, and a little on edge, all directed at James' crouching form as he glances between his coven mate, Edward, Carlisle, and back again, before settling on Carlisle. We _are _a large coven.

"She's with us." Carlisle's firm rebuff is directed toward James. James doesn't budge and Laurent is becoming fidgety.

"You brought a snack?" Laurent expression is incredulous as he takes an involuntary step forward.

I hiss at Laurent's words and actions, but my protests are drowned by Edward's as he snarls even more ferocious at Laurent's actions, harshly, with bared teeth. That causes Laurent to step back once more, sensing the tangible threat behind Edward's ferociousness. When I sense Laurent's eyes on me, swiftly taking inventory of all my little intimidating trophies, my battle scars, I smirk tauntingly and wink cheekily at the man.

_That's right bitch, I'm something else, _I think at him, holding eye contact, until I shame him into looking away_. _Right then, I catch Emmett's eyes and he is looking at me with approval in his eyes, his expression eager but more serious than I've ever seen it before, outside Rosalie related things, that is. 

"She's _human_," Laurent has the balls to protest. In contrast to his emotions, his words were merely astounded.

"I said she's with us," Carlisle corrects in a hard voice and all his pretence at courtesy is gone. I smirk. Carlisle angry is not a sight I _often _get to see. But when I do, well, let's just say, things get _interesting_,in all sense of the word.

Still the intensity of our caution does not loosen and as I watch them warily, neither James nor Edward relaxes their aggressive poses. Edward is furious and dejected, regretful. Meanwhile, James is thrilled and enjoying the challenge, that has ever so conveniently presented itself before him. And I can just see the wheels turning as his mind goes into overdrive, morbidly working and planning ahead as to what the next stage of the hunt will be.

He is savoring every moment of it, as he taunts Edward, moving this way and that so that Edward will mirror his every step ─_disgusting_─ while his plan has already taken form, all that he needs is to decide and figure out how best to obtain his precariously guarded price.

"Yes." It is Emmett now, speaking at Carlisle's side, his eyes restlessly wary on James' moving form. I can't help but wish that it had been I, the one speaking, and not Emmett. There is just something that has me wanting to defend our Bella and especially let her see and hear me doing so, strangely enough.

James straightens, slowly, almost mockingly, out of his crouch, but his eyes are still appraising his prey with thirst and lust, nostrils wide and flaring. Edward still holds himself protectively, tense in front of Bella, his stance like that of a lion at the ready.

More conversation takes place, in which Laurent promises that neither he, nor his coven, will 'not harm our _human_ girl' or hunt in our range, much to the other two's distaste. Yet, I have the sinking feeling that this is not the end, the situation has not been solved. Not by far.

James will find a way and come at us with some retribution and come back to try and have Bella. James is determined to have her. There is undeniable resolve, tangibly edged to his emotions in a way that concerns me and puts me on edge, making me worry for the fragile human's safety.

Carlisle considers Laurent before reaching a final decision, by then he calls Rosalie, Esme, and I forth, while Emmett falls back. As soon as I am at Carlisle's side, listening to his instructions, I find myself wishing that I can be at Bella's side, where I can calm and comfort her nerves.

She is terrified, numbed with fear, and I am sure that she would have appreciated the help my power would provide her. But at the moment, I did not trust myself to make such suggestion. The fear of actually trying to help but ending up hurting her is mortifying. Essentially, I think I feel a strange sting of jealousy toward Emmett and his better control.

* * *

**…**

* * *

Edward takes Bella away, disappearing into the trees, alongside Alice and Emmett. The sense of loss that I feel at this moment is almost unbearable. By now, I know Edward enough to know that he will be rash and will try to take Bella as far away from here as possible.

A strange sadness surges through my body at the thought. Surprisingly, it drowns all the others' emotions, making me oblivious to their emotions, which would have otherwise flooded through me and as a result, blocked my own feelings from reach.

* * *

**…**

* * *

That's why ─having had this knowledge and expectation─ when Bella, carried in by Emmett ─and feeling a quiet rumble go through me at the sight─ along with Edward and Alice at either of their sides, burst into our large white room, I was surprised and, yet, relieved that Edward hadn't done the predictable.

Laurent, also, stood in our midst. I could hear Emmett's low growls rumble as they approach, from deep within, and he carefully set Bella down at Edwards's side.

"He's tracking us." Edward announces as he balefully glares at Laurent.

Laurent's face is unhappy, but his feelings tell me otherwise. Judging by his emotions, he could care less about what is going on, when all he truly cares about is not being blacklisted, or persecuted, by our abnormally large coven─ to make it so that we understood that he had nothing to do with the matter of James decision to hunt our Bella.

As Edward speaks, my focus shifts to Alice as she dances her way to my side. Once at my side, she whispers in my ear, telling me that we should go upstairs so that she can explain what was going to happen. Agreeing, I nod to her reverberating voice and bound the stairs with her, up to my room.

"So," I start, "what's the plan here?"

Alice engrosses me into an animated recount of what had happened after they had disappeared into the trees. She told me about the brilliant plan that Bella had formulated in her attempt to bring Edward and his rationality under control– and it had worked.

All things considered, if the plan did go according to plan, it is a brilliant plan and I have to agree with Emmett─ Bella truly _is_ diabolical. And I actually thought she was so innocent, guess I got proved wrong. _I like it._

Now that I think about it, I think it is time for Emmett and I to make a little bet.

"There's no time for bets, Jasper," Alice reprimands while I smile sheepishly, my goddess knew me too well.

"Sorry, couldn't help it," I smile, without remorse, if you must know. Alice shakes her head, smiling furtively and sighing knowingly.

Now, to make sure I understood what's going to ensue here, I need to verify everything with Alice and summarize everything she's told me.

"So… you and I are to take Bella away from here?" I inquire with unease. Alice nods. "And Edward trusts me to do such task?" I clarify, "To be around Bella and keep it together?"

Alice smiles kindly at me then. "I told him to give you some credit," Alice states, explaining, "when he asked if you were up for it." That is as good as a solid "yes" for me. I felt alighted with glee. "Besides, you've been doing very, very well, all things considered." Her eyes gleamed with pride as she said this, making me purr at her appraising me.

"I have, haven't I?" I muse as she shows me an encouraging smile. Rubbing my hands together, I grin devilishly and say, "Alright then, let us get a move on!"

I test the atmosphere as we reappear at the end of the stairs; I am surprised by what I savor. Bella is surprised by something and this knowledge bemuses me. Just as I am about to probe the answer from her emotions, I notice that she has been captivated by Edward, of course. And then Esme is taking her away and out of sight, something about a change of clothing.

During our Bella's absence, we settle everything we need or will need. Carlisle equipping us each with small, silver cell phones ─to keep us in contact.

Carlisle instructs that Alice and I are to take his Mercedes; we will need the dark tint where we are going, once daylight hits. Now, one last thing needs to be clarified.

"Alice," Carlisle asks as if he's read my mind, "will they take the bait?"

We all watch Alice as she closes her eyes and becomes very still, and I along with her, as if her actions are somehow reflected on me, impairing me from acting on my own, of course that isn't the case. Finally, her eyes flutter open and we receive the answer that we longed and hoped to hear.

"Let's go."

Carlisle begins walking toward the kitchen. While Edward went to Bella's side in less than it took her heart to skip a beat. Once he has her within reach, he crushes her to him, catching her in his iron grip. Then he proceeds to pulling her face to his, lifting her feet off the floor, and clearly unaware or uncaring about the rest of us watching them.

For a moment his lips love hers, with such passion that it seems as if they would melt into each other from the heated passion of their kiss. The way he kisses her, is as if he were trying to remember the taste of her warm breath on his, while it collides against his lips with his cold breath and creates an epic battle.

Surely someone may contradict, but there are times when I think that it is possible for _summer _and _winter _to clash against each other and in a heated-cold, create a love that will never compare to any other, _singular_.

I chuckle mutely─ though I know it isn't the appropriate time for laughter─ as I feel Rosalie's indignation surging through her; she's ever the jealous one. I also chuckle at Bella's poutiness when the kiss between her and Edward ends too soon for her liking.

His eyes smolder into hers as he set her down, still holding her face with such delicacy, mustering his love and his goodbye.

Then, Edward is gone, along with all the traces of his love showing from his eyes and face, just moments ago, as he puts on his expressionless mask. His cold mask, which will allow him to protect his lover─ and so, the hunter becomes the hunter.

We stand there a moment, and I cannot help but look away from Bella, when her tears fall noiselessly down her slope, ivory cheeks, in mourning for the inevitable separation that has to transpire between her and her lover.

For some reason, it tares me, to feel her sadness and solitude─ even among us─ to a degree that surprises and aggravates me; I have never felt such despair for and with another.

The aggravation was such that I wanted to ignore it and run to her, embrace her, and tell her that everything would be alright, though I knew not of the future I felt that such comforting white lies would suffuse as long as it calmed our Bella and stopped her tears from falling.

The silence drags on and I am, still, immobile in my own torment, as my own feelings clashes with Bella's. But then, Esme's phone vibrates and she receives her okay as I fight back my compelling feelings and stifle them, until the fall unpresumptuous to the background.

Esme walks over to Bella and caresses her cheek, removing some of her tears, in that motherly way of hers and smiles down tenderly upon the girl she already considers a daughter.

"Be safe," are Esme's lingering words before she slips through the door, Rosalie following her, and they, too, are gone.

Then it is just the three of us, and we, too, wait for the phone call that will give us the green light.

Alice answers her phone before I even hear it vibrate─ she too vanishes, swallowed by the darkness as she goes to get the car. Leaving Bella and I to be alone in this prolonged silence as I stay a safe distance away from her, though I long to be near.

_─What am I saying?─_

I cannot take it anymore, I have to break it.

"You're wrong," I say as silently as I can so that I wouldn't startle her. I fail.

"What?" she asks startled and confused by my sudden words. Intriguing, she seems to think that I, too, can hear her thoughts.

"I can tell what you're _feeling_," I remind her simply, knowing that she will understand that she's, after all, the one _feeling_. "And you are wrong," I repeat. "You're worth it."

She shakes her head in stubborn defiance."No I'm not," her voice is so small, so _frail_, as she says this that it, too, hurts.

Trying to convince her, I speak again, "Yes you are, Edward thinks so." I frown. "He loves you and so does the rest of the family," ─ minus one, but I could not tell her that now. She already knew anyway─ there is a bit of doubt in her but she accepts it. I smile at her. Bella's really something.

Alice sends me a text. The car is ready and it is time for us to leave. I will be the designated driver. But before that, Bella needs to sleep. And I know just the right thing to make her sleep─ my _touch_.

_ I promise Bella, for Edward, I'll make you safe so sleep and dream of your lover, until we get to Phoenix. _I wish her as she fell into a fitful sleep at my touch,_ Sweet dreams…_

Things I have learned about Bella during our trip? ─Smiles maliciously─ she talks in her sleep and tells Edward how much she loves him. So amusing! Now I understand why he loves to watch her sleep.

Actually, I never knew Edward had such an ego─ to constantly need to hear her say how much she loves him. _Oh, I know an Edward-iffy weakness! _

Well, you do learn something new every day, after all. Also, you can ask Bella something, _anything_ while she's asleep and she actually answers! I mean, I was only kidding when I asked her about the airport, but she actually answered!

At first, I wasn't so sure if I should believe her─ I mean, she _was_ asleep, but then, we passed right by it. This threw Alice and I into a fit of laughter.

Truly, Bella Swan is something else.

_ Well, we are here… and now we wait some more._


	5. Twelve Feet Under

_**Memoirs of Her Scent**_

_**Ch5: Regardless, the Girl has Mettle – Twelve Feet Under**_

_**Previously;**_

_I promise Bella, for Edward, I'll make you safe so sleep and dream of your lover until we get to Phoenix. Sweet dreams… I wished her as she fell into a fitful sleep at my touch._

_Things I learned about Bella during our trip? Smiles maliciously she talks in her sleep and tells Edward how much she loves him, so amusing, now I understand why he loves to watch her sleep. _

_Actually, I never knew Edward had such an ego he has to constantly hear her say how much she loves him, I know an Edward-iffy weakness! Well, you do learn something new every day. Also, you can ask Bella something while she's asleep and she actually answers! I mean, I was only kidding when I asked her about the airport but she actually answered, I wasn't sure if I should believe her- I mean she was asleep but then we passed right by it, this threw Alice and I into a fit of laughter. Truly, Bella Swan was something else._

_Well, we are here… and now we wait some more._

* * *

Now I was angry, amazed, astounded, and deranged as I paced up and down, trying to understand how on earth Bella had escaped me without my knowledge as Edward made his verbal display of how angry he was with me. Try as I may, I could not calm the situation, hell, I was not calm myself!

Clearly, Edward's discontentment at my failure made me more wary than when he had tried to strangle me as I confide the news of Bella's disappearance to him. I had never seen him more torn or distressed than now, in the short time I had been made the new addition- in vampire years it had been short, as for human years- you could say it had been quite long.

First of all, she actually resisted my attempts at trying to calm her as I tried to endeavor her into induced sleep back at the hotel, I mean- that had been awesome. I never knew anyone to defy my power before like she did and that truly took me by surprise, and like I said before, that Bella Swan is something else. Not only did she defy my power then, but also she actually cunningly used my own knowledge, mingled with hers, against me.

I almost mentally kicked myself in the head for thinking that she was finally– finally what, rather than Alice? I do believe I have gone off topic… Anyway, when she had asked for me to escort her to the bathroom I had thought it had been only obvious. Because, I mean, she had been so distressed and nervous, and my thoughts had gone to it probably being related to her reunion with Edward, but boy had _I _been proven wrong. She had been distressed for a whole other reason, one that would have never crossed my mind.

At first, as I waited for Bella outside the women's bathroom, I thought nothing of her fifteen minute absence until it became _the _twenty minute absence– I knew women had the tendency to take _forever _while at the "Ladies," but Bella had not stricken me as one of the followers of this sort of rule all women seemed to follow, damned or not; at the very least, not to the extent where she would pee for half an hour. As I allowed it to go to a twenty-one minute grace and she still had not come out I, Jasper Hale, began to panic- yes, believe it or not, _I _was panicking over a _human girl._

Since I did not want to risk loosing myself by going in _there _and looking for her –I mean, what if one of them was in their time of the month, surely, that would be bad for my health– I had decided to thread my endowment to find her scent, that unique scent that tantalized me even in emotional form.

My threads followed hers with precise ease, until they hit a dead end; there had been another exit to the women's bathroom. Her absence was so tangible that it almost hurt to not feel her nearness, making me wonder why I had not realized her absence sooner –I cursed at this discovery, as I quickly went to find Alice at an almost inhumane speed, given my paranoia. However, she had met me half way; maybe she had seen it just a tad bit too late.

I suppose it would be far from the truth to say that Alice was panicked and confused by this new development. Actually, frenetically distressed would probably describe her current state with far more authenticity than anything else. I apologized over and over again to Edward; I did not understand why he was not giving in to my attempt at finding grace once more, even in my demise.

My apologies had never been more sincere, I was sure that he could figure this out by just listening to my screaming thoughts without much effort. I was screaming with remorse inside, and my outward demeanor confirmed it, as a result he could have remained angry, but should have calmed down considerably.

Then it hit me.

His distress was too great as he emerged himself in his own thoughts, too busy with his own screaming thoughts that my own thoughts probably seemed like indistinct white noise in the background. That would be the only explanation.

After what seemed an eternity –a century, perhaps– Alice allowed her recollection of scattered pieces of visions to be seen by Edward and then she told him everything that Bella had told us about that mirrored room, the one she thought was the one just down the street to her mother's apartment where we believed she was being held. He hissed angrily at this, looking my way making me tense up. I did not wish to fight my brother, but if I was lowered to that, then, so be it.

However, before Edward or I could do anything, Carlisle, the voice of reason, spoke as he placed a compassionate hand on either of our shoulders. Soon, a plan that we all agreed to was set in motion and we all headed to find Bella and the retched James, and I found myself praying, like never before, for my– my brother's mate wellbeing.

* * *

Needless to say, killing a vampire can be quite a messy affair and one that I enjoy nonetheless. Especially if the vampire in question presented a threat to one of my loved ones, like one James presented at the present moment to my– my brother's Bella.

As we followed Bella's almost nonexistent scent, mainly relying on Edward, we arrived at the scene and my body went rigid as Edward went paler than usual as the pungent smell of Bella's blood hit us like a brick wall, full force. Even before the car had made a full stop Edward had hoisted himself out of the car, leaving a whispered trail of, "_Not her, please, not her. God, please, let me not be late,_" in his wake, that almost reduced me to shreds. Emmett was hot in his tail and soon the whole family followed suite. I trailed not far behind.

Never had the sight of human blood repulsed me before as it did then, when my eyes found the still pale figure of Isabella Swan on the wooden floor in a puddle of her own tantalizing blood. The ****** had bitten her arm. I hissed as I backed to the doorframe, stepping away from temptation, as her blood now called out to me in that way it knew I could barely resist.

That was what had me repulsed the most –I too wanted her blood, thirsted for it, sickeningly so. Carlisle, the one with the most control at the sight of blood, did not hesitate like the rest of us and went to lend Edward a hand, not that he needed it. But, from where I stood, I could feel the conflicting emotions that surged through Edward.

On one hand, he wanted to pulverize the cretin before him to ashes and then step on them. While in the other, he just wanted to check on Bella and make sure she was all right. All the while, holding his breath and not trusting his self control when faced with such exquisite temptation. I could not blame him.

Though, it was evident he had realized that Bella had in fact been bitten and something told me that he had stepped in just as James had done the damage. By now, James looked the worst for wears, several of his stony body parts were crawling from different places and distances along the wooden floor trying to keep up so as to regenerate.

Soon after the cretin had been handed over to us, no leniency would be given, and I was more than grateful to have something to busy my mind with other than chant and chide myself from the bloodlust that I had almost indulged myself in. Emmett had been more than happy to oblige, like me, and soon we were making bets and arguing over who got to set James on fire but not after ripping him to shreds, and of course I won that bet.

It had just taken a bit of outsmarting to do –cough–manipulation–cough– and I tell you, I had not had the pleasure of exterminating someone with such glee as now. The mess we made had been a masterpiece that not even Leonardo da Vinci could have contorted with such limited time and resources. To say the least, I was satisfied with my, our, masterpiece….

It all could be fitted into one simple word; _**Beautiful**_.

Then again, the momentary pleasure of mutilating the fag of pulverized soot now clenched in my fists did nothing for my nerves. Emmett and I had taken James to a secluded area, where no human could suddenly step in on us while we mutilated a cowardly Vampire only to turn him to ashes so that we could step over the charcoal pile and have him where he belonged, under our feet. The victory was sweet and short-lived; all I kept doing was second-guessing myself…

Was Bella going to survive this? How would Edward deal with it if she didn't? And what were we going to tell her father, Charlie, about the whole situation, if she did not come through?

Stop it!

Why did I always have to be so negative? I knew Bella was stronger than that, she had proven it to me herself on several occasions. I had plenty of reasons to believe, hope, and know that she would in fact, pull through for all of us. Especially for Edward's sake, if nothing else, he needed her like she needed air. That much was evident, in his daily torture of loving her while wanting to drain her.

Before, I admit, I was a bit disgusted by Edward's dependency of Bella as he had turned her into his _reason_ for living. All in all, however, I think I was jealous of the fact that the way he felt toward Bella and the way she felt toward him seemed stronger than anything _I _have ever felt. Never had I felt such love and warmth radiate from one source, especially not from a Vampire. Not even Alice and I could compare to _their_ feelings.

Do to this, you could imagine the shock I received when we arrived at the scene once again and I learned that Edward had actually rid her of James's venom. Before it had reached the point of no return, he had actually tasted her blood and had been able to pull away. She was still alive… I could not believe it…

He had had enough willpower to stop drinking from that sinfully tantalizing nectar that called out to him even stronger than it called to me. How he managed, I will never know. Actually, I would never like to find out how that would have turned out had it been me… I never would have guessed that I could admire my brother more than I already did. I already had him on quite a high pedestal. I guess it could not hurt to boost his ego a tad more. Not that I would ever mention it, but then again, he would find out anyway, if he had not already.

All I know is that Bella is going to pull through and now Edward has a greater right to act smug, more so than before. That is one mortifying thought indeed; I could taste the happiness and smugness radiating from him already –ugh! Still, there is sorrow, guilt, worry, and yet, the love for the human he holds in his arms surpassed them all.

Bella had been taken to the hospital where she was given an emergency blood transfusion that made her smell all wrong, that was, according to Edward– I could not have stayed at the hospital even if I had wanted to, and I had wanted to. But, I knew the temptation would have been too overbearing, and I was restraining myself to the limit as it was. Edward would take good care of her, of that I was certain –without a shadow of a doubt. That appeased me.

Charlie and Renee, the worried and mortified parents, had been called, and given a petty account of Bella's condition, with an obvious lie about the account of events that they were none the wiser to. She had tripped and fallen out a window –I had thought that to be a bit farfetched, but they had actually accepted this excuse! When questioned –by me– Edward just settled with, "It could happen, at least to Bella, she's such a klutz," while chuckling.

No pun intended, though, he was probably imagining the whole thing happening as he chuckled. I was sincerely beginning to fail to grasp his sanity, or anyone else's for that matter. Even Carlisle had agreed to this petty excuse! What had this world come to?

During the following weeks, as I got to know Bella, after her recovery, I discovered that Edward had not, in fact, been exaggerating –Bella _was_ a magnet for tragedy, a complete klutz. Not to mention the floor seemed to _love_ her! But I never allowed her blood to be spilled while _I _was around and nor did the others, knowing that it would be disastrous and for this I was grateful.

Then again, Edward was always there to catch her, much to Emmett's and my amusement. Though often times I wished he were not… so that I could win my bets, that is. Yes, as you might have guessed, Emmett was getting back at me for outsmarting him –cough–manipulating him–cough–back in Seattle by always choosing my obvious peeks before me, but the war of the bets would not end there… no it would not, not as long as I had not become ashes.

While I kept track of my bets and my many other attempts at practical, yet, convenient jokes I got to know Bella better and in the slightest, got to comprehend even more Edward's infatuation with the girl. I realized that she and I possessed several things in common, such as our love for classical novels and literature in general.

Often times we would have heated discussions until one of us got too pent up or Alice and Edward appeared soliciting our divine attention. But most of the time it would come to a close when Edward would enter her line of vision, then she would become too dazzled to even form a coherent word my way or to even notice me. For some reason, when this happened, I would laugh, a laugh much unlike myself, sort of ominous.

The days along with the nights came and went, until the school dance. The day I would always remember as the day Alice, almost, fell out of grace with Bella. And what a memorable day it was! Despite Bella's many warnings and pouting, which Alice had all but ignored, Edward had taken a beautified –by Alice– Bella to the dance.

She had looked beautiful… though that word could hardly make her any kind of justice, in comparison to how she had looked that night. Of course, she had nothing on my Alice… Alice had looked breath taking and lovely in her little black dress.

The dance went without incident apart for the sudden murderous jealousy that had engulfed me at one point. Upon investigation I realized that it had been coming from Edward who, at that moment, seemed to have been without Bella. I frowned as I followed his line of vision.

There she was, on the dance floor, dancing with a boy I had never seen before. The waves of jealousy rippled through my body with renewed strength as the boy complimented Bella on her attire. Of course, the jealousy I felt was all Edward's… who seemed to have wanted nothing more than to have Bella, safely, back in his arms.

And then, came Bella's birthday… and my undoing.

Alice had been Alice, refusing to listen to anything Bella had to say or her protests about how her birthday should not be seen as something of a big deal… And knowing Alice, I knew why Bella felt this way, beside my enigmatic power. She did not wish to make a spectacle out of her birthday seeing, as Alice would have thrown the whole thing out of proportion.

And, mind you, she had. Despite, like I said, Bella politely asking –well, ordering really– that no one get her any presents this year, Alice had even gotten her some presents… and _us_ to get her some presents. Though I was positive I had heard Bella say something about not spending money on her and presents, which we all had done. Apart from Edward, always the smart one or more like the one who knew her best.

Edward arrived leisurely with a smiling Bella on toe, a teasing smile I may add. We were all waiting for Edward to bring Bella in our vast white living room, and as they walked through the door we greeted her with a chorus of, "Happy birthday, Bella!" making her blush that lovely shade she seems to hue without effort and look at her feet making her look that much more enticing.

Shaking those thoughts away, before Edward could catch them, I focused on Bella's reaction and sudden distress, which Edward managed to asphyxiate with an encouraging arm around her waist and a kiss to her forehead. Esme and Carlisle, the closest to her, greeted her and then my attention span suddenly shortened as Emmett greeted her and caused her to flush a deeper shade of rouge causing me to take a precarious step away from her –for good measure.

Some more of what sounded like mumbling from Emmett and he was gone, leaving me to focus fully on her rouged cheeks. That was, until I felt Alice letting go of my hand –I had forgotten she had been doing so– and going over to hug Bella with a wide smile. I too smiled, but kept my distance, hoping that Bella would not feel too oversensitive about it.

I still had trouble being near her, no matter how much closer we had gotten, because it had all been within a good ratio of ten feet, always. We had tried the five feet thing but it had not worked that well, I wanted her too bad, thirsted.

"Time to open presents," Alice declared.

Alice towed Bella by the elbow to the glass table with the cake and all the presents we had gotten her on it as she martyred herself.

"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything–"

"But I didn't listen," Alice interrupted, smug as I laughed silently. _That _was an understatement. "Open it," Alice ordered as she took the camera, I now noticed, Bella was holding and replacing it with a big, square silver box, which I knew was Emmett's, Rosalie's, and my present.

It was empty.

Now illumination came to me as to where Emmett had disappeared to, he was installing Bella's present. Making it so she could not return it, given how much complaining she would probably bombard us with according to Alice and as such we were one step ahead. I waited nervously for her reaction as she opened the gift feeling self-conscious of our staring, though it did not show. I was not sure if I liked this new experience.

She tore the paper off and then stared at the now unconcealed box. Hoping for more illumination, apparently, she opened the box. She looked perplexed by the revelation that it _was _empty- this made me chuckle, her face revealed everything she was feeling, not that I needed much help in _that _department.

"Um… thanks," she said unsure.

_I _had to laugh at that and even Rosalie cracked a smile. "It's a stereo for your truck," I explained. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," she said, grinning at us. There was something about the way my name sounded coming out of her lips… I shook my head. "Thanks Emmett," she called more loudly. We heard his booming laughter from her truck, and it seemed she could not help but laugh too.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said excitedly in a high-pitch trill. I relished her excitement.

* * *

Then I heard the perfect tear of the skin being cut and the smell of her blood reached my nostrils, almost none tangible at first, but I fought for control though the demon in my view mocked me and my futile attempts. Though, as she examined the damage, a single drop of blood oozed from her minuscule cut. Everyone remained immobile, staring at that single liquid ruby, the thirst becoming unbearable. I absorbed all this, eyes darkening, focusing on the _prey_.

It all happened so fast.

One minute I was in control and the next my own personal demon had taken over. As I prepared to launch myself at her I think I heard Edward shouting after me, but I could not be sure.

I threw myself at her and everything was blurred, but the sight of my bleeding prey. As if from a far away distance, I heard a distinct shatter that I could only imagine was crystal fragmenting into shards bathed in intoxicating liquid red.

Then something was blocking me from my prey and I slammed into it with a crash.

With difficulty I zeroed in on my obstructer and let a grisly snarl escape from deep within my chest. I tried to shove past my obstruction, which I now discovered, was Edward as I snapped my teeth just inches from his face. I wanted to shred his face off and taste that tantalizing blood._ I _needed_ that single taste, now._

The next second, yet another, obstinacy was grabbing me from behind, locking me on a massive steel grip, but I struggled on, wild. I _needed_ to taste that sweet nectar and I let my senses follow her scent until my eyes focused on only her. Glorious and burning thirst scorched my throat as more blood oozed out of my prey's searing arm, in a more provoking amount than before.

She was dazed, disoriented, and I wanted to take her and make the pests holding me back burn so that they would let me reach her… The fear mingled with her shock was exuberating, making her blood even more appealing in its intoxication. _Need. _So great was the need it _hurt_.

By now, I was trying to calm the monster in my view down, the demon, knowing that Edward and Emmett were the ones stopping me from doing the atrocity I was sure to follow my demon into –but a big part of me wanted to do it for… for her. I did not want to hurt her.

What if having a single taste lead into pushing her away or worst killed her. I would not be able to live it through that. That was for sure; much less have an eternity of mourning my mistake. My forever spent hating the fact that I should have been stronger but was not. I did not want that, much less than I wanted to hurt her and have her look at me with such fear ever again.

Still my sardonic personal demon would not listen to what little reason I was trying to pass on to him and my possessed body struggled at the hands of my saviors, my brothers. I think I heard Carlisle speak then…

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside."

I felt another pair of slimmer, but no less strong pair of hands take a hold of me. At the same time, I heard a door open and waves of sham and smugness hit me, but nothing abided the monstrous demon. Rosalie had appeared before me and I wrestled against her, trying to get past her so that I could sink my bared teeth into Edwards neck and rip his head off. Only then would I be able to reach my prey. The plan seemed reasonable enough –_focus _Jasper, you do not want that.

"Common, Jasper."

I was being wrestled out of the amazingly scented room, still struggling, against my demons wishes and _my _relief as my unreasonable eyes stayed focused on its prey, and out through the glass door into the yard. Fresh air slapped me across the face instantaneously, regrettably, painfully taking that sinful scent with it.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." Shame filled the voice I suspected was Esme's as she cried and followed. She too must have been affected. Still, that did nothing for my internal battle.

I hated and _I _loved my brother and sister for their efforts, my self-hate reaching its pick. Once outside fresh air hit me, like a truck slamming unexpectedly, instantaneously, and regrettably, painfully taking that sinful scent with its forcefulness and I saw reason. Now it was not just Esme's shame that I felt but also my own overpowering hers. I was frozen in place, hearing everything…

"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle said.

Edward's emotions were struggling, trying to decipher whether or not to trust Carlisle's self control. In the end, he did and moved aside.

"Edward?" I did not need to hear this voice, not as it shook with fear. The fear _I _had induced, it hurt in a way that was even more torturous than the scorching thirst burning at the back of my throat. I needed to run, escape from this and run. No one would want me here now, not when I had threatened the one that brought life into our home, and for our brother's existence. I had been just about to take flight when her next words stopped me dead on my tracks. "Where's Jasper, is he going to be okay?"

Was she being serious? She was bleeding gushes of blood and she still found the time of the day to worry about me? The one that had inflicted the damage, this girl had gone past reason. It hurt, and though I wanted nothing more than to go and apologized I would not allow myself to be near her again, not if it could be avoided at all costs.

I had stopped listening. Apparently, I had started running. However, it was unavoidable, hearing what had been screamed next.

"Take me to Jasper, now, Edward!"

"Bella…" It was a warning from Edward. I felt a snarl rise to my lips.

"No, Edward, I need to know that he is okay," Bella had said. I still ran, trying not to listen, unsuccessfully.

"What, so you can get killed in the process or did you forget that you had _almost _been killed just seconds ago?" Edward hissed. My brother had no faith in me, not that I blamed him, but it still hurt. Did I really have to be damned and feel? Such a drag having to be a vampire, who had a _sixth sense_ such as my own; feeling.

I ran… faster…

I heard the door being slammed, my name being screamed by a voice I painfully recognized, no fear laced in that voice. And yet, amidst the pain, I could not help but marvel at how much I longed to hear _her _voice screaming _my_ name, it somehow elated me, to the point of fear.

"Jasper, wait!" Her cry sounded defeated, just like the way I was feeling.

Were those tears I heard sliding down smooth, soft skin? _Impossible_, I thought angrily, immediately dismissing the felonious thought out of my clouded-crimson mind.

"Edward, please…" I ran as if my life depended on it, I was sure that Edward would soon come after me; I could not face him, much less _her_.

However, just as I was about to make the turn that would take me farthest from them Edward was there, before me, cradling Bella like a loving child in his iron grip. I stiffened; I could still smell the blood and its alluring scent, I gulped. Edward was warily setting her down, at her request. Why could he not simply deny her what she wanted for once?

"Jasper," she started, I was frozen. Her scent was driving me crazy and Edward was growling a menacing warning that only I could hear, trying to distract my demon and me. I wanted to say something, anything, but somehow I could not manage to form a coherent enough phrase or sentence that deviated from my thoughts of walking up to her and alluring her into bearing her luscious neck to me for the seductive kill I was planning. However, now that I think it, sorry would have, probably, been appropriate. This inability to think clearly was becoming troublesome in more ways than one.

"Jasper," she repeated, inching cautiously closer and closer, without any trace of fear, only concern could be seen in her warm earthy eyes. Did she not see me for the monster I was? This frightened me; did she really believe I would not harm her after what happened just moments ago? _She _frightened me.

I took two quick a step back, she froze, her breath hitching. "It's okay Jasper, I'm alright," she reassured me soothingly; I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to do anything in my power to distract me from her scent and the pleading in her big brown innocent eyes. So innocent, so sweet and so beau–

The one thing I regretted almost instantly, closing my eyes. Bella had sneaked up on me, she was embracing me, whispering to me that everything was all right and that she did not mind what had happened, it had been unavoidable. Suddenly I became very aware of her warmth against my cool body, the flow of her fevered blood and her closeness.

My head dipped instinctively, nostrils flaring, as I inhaled her sweet scent in deep searing gusts, sending a thrilled shiver down my spine, as my venom flooded my watering mouth and caressed my tongue with an almost lovingly tantalizing fashion.

My nose, now, trailing an unknown pattern at the nape of her warm, scented neck as I inhaled her deeper. Intoxicating myself further with her tantalizing scent. Bella sighed and relaxed in my hands, that unbeknownst to me, had found their way to her waist. Throwing her head back so that my other hand could cradle her neck in that comfortable position that would allow me to lower my lips and have my taste of her as she revealed to me the attractive hollow of her pulsating neck. I closed my smoldering eyes, relishing in the sensation of anticipation, and my long lashes caressed my skin with the lightness of Bella's heat. I was biding my time.

Accumulating the amount of relaxant that I would release on my victim so that she would not scream, fear, or struggle and that was when I realized something was wrong–Bella was in my arms, _relaxed._ There was no fear issuing from her, just undeniable trust.

I frowned, checking for leaks in my building narcotic, there were none. Fear ran through me in an almost chattering shudder that shook only me. Bella was doing this willingly. For _my _sake she trusted me. My eyes fluttered open, searching for Edward and his reaction to what was transpiring. My head turning only a fraction from my current position, unable to withdraw –too weak to do so.

He looked shocked, his fists balled in anger and confusion and my curious gaze turned into a giddy smug one angering him further, much to my eminent delight and entertainment. I almost laughed, but then remembered my current situation and all the humor was torn away, like a train wreck and I glared at the limp victim in my arms that was Edward's Bella.

"Are you an idiot Isabella?" I growled, disgusted with my self. I could not bring myself to pull away from were my nose was buried in her scented hair. I could almost hear her smile in response, this girl –no, _woman_– had mettle, or was it simply irrational stupidity soaring through her veins in warm, pulsing rhymes? It all sounded the same to me; I could not differentiate one from the other, when it came to Isabella Swan.

"You see, I knew you were in control," she said simply, still limp in my arms, somehow managing to shrug, looking at me from under her dark lashes.

"You are a fool!" I hissed. Edward growled as Bella winced when I tightened my grip around her involuntarily. I had done it. I had harmed her. Deterring myself from her and pushing her towards Edward, who was ready to catch her falling form, I fled, unable to face my fears.

"And you're still in control," she murmured stubbornly.

* * *

"Jasper?" Alice called as she pranced into our room where I was currently standing with my borrow creased as I gazed out the glass wall, as if it had offended me somehow, thinking of the day's event, my disgust still evident.

"Jasper?" she sighed, yet again reaching out to me when I had not responded or made any attempt at turning to face her, lightly placing a small hand at my shoulder. "Are you alright?" she inquired worriedly when I shrugged away from her touch, causing her to frown. "Please, talk to me…"

"Yes," I replied annoyed, still gazing out the wall without ever stealing a glance at her.

"You want to go somewhere?" she offered. "Get away from it all, take a breather… maybe even do some shop–"

"No," I said firmly as I abruptly cut her off. "I don't need a _breather_, Alice. What I do need is to be left _alone_ with my thoughts, so that I can think. You cannot just wave away what happened with some "comfort" shopping," I informed her, just a little too harsh as her face crumbled with hurt. I was simply trying to get her to understand that I wanted her to leave without actually voicing out the request.

"Then, if you don't wish to shop, I know just the right place, it's secluded and even though we might have to travel–" I sighed heavily out of frustration at her insistent attempts as I molded my thumb and forefinger to the nook of my nose and momentarily closed my eyes. Out of all times that Alice could choose to be oblivious to my feelings and needs why did it have to be _now_, at this very fragile moment?

"Alice…" I started, releasing my fingers at the bridge of my nose, "I'm going out –to calm myself, to be _alone _so please, don't follow me." With that I took my leave, not caring to see the hurt that showed through her usually smiling face, I did not wish to dwell in it. Right now, what I was feeling did not allow room for any other emotions that might thread their way to me –especially not hers, not my Alice's. Having said that, I left her and ran, ignoring the concerned feelings and voices I felt and heard being shouted my way from my family as I fled.

As I ran, I did not think, I simply let my feet take me to where they wanted to take me. Now I was back at the beginning, where the hunt had started, as a result –call me a pessimist. I chuckled darkly and resentfully, without humor once I had a glance at my surroundings and discovered my misfortune. I could not quite place what I was feeling, I did not understand my feelings as of now, and all I wanted was to–

Next thing I knew, I was digging my fingers into the moist dirt beneath my feet, attacking the grass with my bare hands at an inhumane alacrity, daunting. I had dug twelve feet under, rather than the usual six feet used for burying carcasses, by the time I was satisfied with my work in the surrounding coolness of my handmade comfort zone.

The surrounding darkness took me in its arms with inviting tenderness, compelling me to do the one thing I wanted –scream. I screamed at the top of my lungs, shuddering along with the surrounding earth that shook with the release of my agonized screams as I clawed at the walls of dirt, seeking further release.

With every fistful of dirt and rock turning to dust as soon as my curling fingers would wrap around it, the action almost compulsory, came release. Taking fistfuls of dirt as I dug into the earth with my fingertips I sobbed, my cries shaking my body along with the earth above me, beneath me, and around me. Something that, had I done it above surface, would have caused too many unwanted problems.

As the earth shook beneath and around me I unleashed my emotions to their fullest, holding nothing back, the action almost dizzying –had I been human. My actions caused the dozen meters of wilderness above me to wilt and die in its wake. I could feel their meaningless existence banish as my agony touched them full force, plants, insects, and unsuspecting passerby birds alike, all now lifeless at my invisible touch. Innocent and unsuspecting as they were they could not have escaped something as overpowering as the prowess of my anguish, my touch was something like death to such meek and meaningless life sources.

My shoulders rattled as I tried to drown my renewed sobs, wishing I could actually feel the wet caress of tears sliding down my cheeks for once, but of course that was all just wistful thinking. As if in a miraculous answer to my unspoken prayer, I heard the first droplet of rain caress the grass from above with a loving grace and an echoing _splatter_, followed by the rumble of thunder.

Bitter laughter escaped my twisted lips at the irony of my thoughts; the skies could cry and have its lover bask in its sorrowed tears while _I _could not –when not even _my _lover could douse my affliction. _Envy. _

My pale fingers clawed deeper into the clay-like earth, clenching at it for support as my knees gave in and kissed the damped earth with the force of a lover's passion as my fears succumbed me into woe's depths. My screaming grew louder as my throat gave way to the rawness that accompanied such actions and the earth and I shook violently, threatening to break, like climaxing lovers.

I breathed heavily and raggedly as if I had run a marathon in a dash –my chest searing, causing me to feel suffocated and claustrophobic. One thought intruded and soared through my numbed thoughts, _I needed to see the surface. _With this one thought in mind I began to dig my way up the twelve feet, in the same exuberant fashion I had dug my way down the same twelve feet. My clawing became prominent as I escalated, feeling better as I clawed the last few inches.

As my face met the surface, and I howled myself out the hole I had dug, the cold-warm rain fell with enveloping wet caresses upon my cool skin –finally, I _looked _like I was crying. The skies seemed to care enough to cry for and with me, yet, I _hated _the rain –it was too calming for my taste. Irony yet again, sticking it to me.


	6. Irony of Ironies

_**Memoirs of Her Scent**_

_**Ch6: Irony of Ironies **_

_**Previously;**_

_My pale fingers clawed deeper into the clay-like earth, clenching at it for support as my knees gave in and kissed the damped earth with the force of a lover's passion as my fears succumbed me into woe's depths. My screaming grew louder as my throat gave way to the rawness that accompanied such actions and the earth and I shook violently, threatening to break, like climaxing lovers. _

_ I breathed heavily and raggedly as if I had run a marathon in a dash –my chest searing, causing me to feel suffocated and claustrophobic. One thought intruded and soared through my numbed thoughts, I needed to see the surface. With this one thought in mind I began to dig my way up the twelve feet, in the same exuberant fashion I had dug my way down the same twelve feet. My clawing became prominent as I escalated, feeling better as I clawed the last few inches. _

_As my face met the surface, and I howled myself out the hole I had dug, the cold-warm rain fell with enveloping wet caresses upon my cool skin –finally, I looked like I was crying. The skies seemed to care enough to cry for and with me, yet, I hated the rain –it was too calming for my taste. Irony yet again, sticking it to me._

* * *

The rain gave life, while I only managed to take lives away, and it also healed. Something that I was never capable of doing, and never would be. Unlike me, the rain was embraced with welcoming open arms by the earth as it descended and was always comforted by lover and friends alike with a closure that I have never acquired.

I _hate _the rain for it is everything that I am not, but desperately wish to be and yet, never will be. I would never manage to be as gentle and welcoming, I would never be able to bring the rays of the sun in my wake, nor could I show the promise of a rainbow, when only darkness and bloodshed could rein in my wake.

_Unbelievably pathetic, I am envious of the rain_, I shook my head at the thought and a grimace twisted my already twisted lips. As I stood there, under the pouring rain, I let the rain I hated caress me with its many crawling, thread-like, fingers that warmly enveloped me in a cool and comforting embrace. I too was welcoming the rain that I clamed to hate, ironic in _my_ opinion.

The rumble of thunder kept a hypnotic rhyme within the background, playing harmoniously along with rain's eccentric cords to form a unique almost quiescent lullaby that soothed my nonexistent soul, to the very core of me, like a heartbeat. My cloths were muddied; my appearance disheveled, and still none of it mattered as I listened to the soothing, ethereal, symphony that the skies had composed just for me.

_Thank you_, I thought.

As I glanced at the grey skies above I began to purposely level my, still, ragged breaths and attempted to still my face into a mask of peacefulness, or that of a sleeping man. Knowing that I would be unsuccessful at conjuring such calm over my frenzied features, I simply concentrated on my breathing, trying to halt it to a calm rhythmic continuity.

Just as my breathing leveled, my eyes unclouded, and the feel of the warm rain registered, filtering through my consciousness, I realized that there was something wrong. All right, maybe not _wrong, _in that sense of the word, but clearly, peculiarly abnormal. The rain _was not _ascool as it should have felt against my cold granite skin; on the contrary, it felt, almost, impeccably _warm_. Like the touch of delicate fingertips, warmed by the passionate whirls of _life_…

I threw my head back, closing my eyes against the falling rain that smoldered my golden strands of hair to my forehead, and relished the feeling of rain's warm caressing fingertips against my skin and senses. My facial features finally at peace as they found their medium.

For some senseless inexplicable reason this feeling was familiar, and unfamiliar altogether. Though, I could not quite put my finger as to where or when I had _felt _like this before. And then, just like that, my mind put it together and I remembered the _smell_ of memory. It was the memory of _her_, the memory that _was _she, her scent, Bella's.

My breathing became erratic and my nostrils flared as I let the sense of smell overpower my other senses. With my lids still shut taut over my eyes, I searched for the source that had brought her scented memory to my undivided attention. It was driving me insane!

My senses must be failing me. They were expecting me to believe that if I were to open my eyes she would be right in front of me… standing before me, her proximity too close for comfort. I barely dared open my eyes, not knowing what I would find if I did. There was the possibility that I would snap at Bella for being so stubborn as to search for me. That is, if she was truly standing before me.

But what if she was not standing before me, would I be disappointed?

Slowly, almost with cowardice, I opened my eyes. My head bowed, as if in prayer, to where the scent seemed to source from and there, twisted and trapped on one of my shirt buttons, was a single strand of Bella's brown locks. Just as the single strand of hair was about to detangle itself and caught in the swirling torment of wind and rain I trapped it, yet again, within my fingertips, with a delicacy I never thought myself capable of and brought it close.

As I examined the offending lock, I inhaled and closed my eyes as they rolled to the back of my head, courtesy of the intoxicating mouthwatering scent that emanated from the single damp lock of Bella's hair. Thirst. I drew up to a blank. Where had the familiar burning of thirst at the back of my throat gone? In truth, it was still there, but why was I not feeling it as scorching as before?

What had changed?

A shiver ran down my spine involuntarily as thoughts of this afternoon's events flashed behind my lids. Making me relieve the one shameful moment I had tried running from by coming here. _Ah, there, so that's where you had gone to_, I thought bitterly as the familiar scorching resurfaced as more images flashed, accompanied by their scent.

The last few before coming here flashed by…

The girl, no –woman, sure had mettle beyond imagination, comprehension.

I had almost killed her and then, after, she was out of harms way, she actually came to look for her own personal almost killer and his personal demon, me, looking genuinely worried. I could not help but think the morbid thought that possibly –just maybe– she was begging to be killed.

I mean, who in their right mind just goes after a ravenous vampire, just minutes after they have looked death in the eye, courtesy of mentioned vampire? Only Isabella Swan would, that is who, is your answer. She is above the norm; the norm just does not seem to apply to her, even though she seems to be in her right mind…

Then, I remembered her embrace, her warmth, and the feel of her breakable body, trapped within my steel arms, trying to comfort me. My breathing quickened as I revisited the scene, yet again, and the warm fingertips of rain instantly matched the warmth of Bella's touch as I remembered every detail, scent, touch, and emotion.

And just as sudden as the warm memories had come they stopped. I stood frozen, looking more like a Greek statue by the hour as the moments, minutes, seconds, and milliseconds passed me by, and I tried to rid myself of the warmth that surged so uncharacteristically through my entire body.

Why was it that every thought that began with _my _Alice would momentarily be drawn and pulled, in the most desperate of ways, to the thought of–?

My train of thought stopped abruptly as the sound of a twig being snapped somewhere to my left captured my attention and my body instantly shifted toward the sound instinctively. Ready.

A low but definite growl ripped from deep within my chest as the intruder made his appearance, stepping out of the woods and revealing himself.


	7. Thinking Within Thoughts

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A/N:

_Well, well, well, what do you know? People do like this story! And so, give yourself a pat on the back, we have reached pass the 50 reviews quota I have been trying to reach, all thanks to you –my reviewers! _

_And for those of you who do not know, I posted a new story, "Sweet Revenge You've Lied Again," with an _M _rating, for security and future chapters. Now, you all have been waiting for this so I'll stop ranting for now._

_Read, enjoy, and leave me a comment after you do!_

* * *

_**Memoirs of Her Scent**_

_**Ch7: **__Thinking Within Thoughts_

_**Previously;**_

_Then I remembered her embrace, her warmth, and the feel of her breakable body, trapped within my steel arms, trying to comfort me. My breathing quickened as I revisited the scene yet again and the warm fingertips of rain instantly matched the warmth of Bella's touch as I remembered every detail, every scent, and every emotion. And just as sudden as the warm memories had come they stopped. I stood frozen, looking more like a Greek statue by the hour as the moments, minutes, seconds, and milliseconds passed me by, and I tried to rid myself of the warmth that surged so uncharacteristically through my entire body._

_Why was it that every thought that began with _my_ Alice my thoughts would momentarily be drawn and pulled, in the most desperate of ways, to the thought of–?_

_My train of thought stopped as the sound of a twig being snapped somewhere to my left captured my attention and my body instantly shifted toward the sound instinctively._

_A low but definite growl ripped from deep within my chest as the intruder made his appearance, stepping out of the woods and revealing himself._

* * *

As my body shifted instinctively toward the sound of the snapping twig the intruder had made, war flashed before my eyes…

Distorted images of my human-clouded mind fluttered restlessly behind my memory's eye and my breathing halted as I observed, as if from an outsiders point of view, disoriented, but only for a moment. My sense of smell was the first deliberate attack, to my persona, as the smell of blood, ever so sickening to my human nose, was the first and foremost of memories that ceased being only a mere memory and brought itself to life. The memory of the horrid smell of blood all around me was still just as sickening as it had been back then in the midst of war, yes, even to my vampire senses, the memory too vivid to be overlapped or tarnished by the demon.

I hid behind the soft enveloping darkness of my trembling lids, trying to escape the mental attack only to find that doing so only increased the intensity tenfold.

_Bombs exploded left and right as I tried, dirtied, littered with debris and the occasional coil of aluminum that escaped onto my uniform each time I triggered my gun, to carry a fellow comrade to safety, his left arm and right leg no more. His good arm draped around my neck was held steadfast by my own bloodied one at his wrist and my one other, slightly burned, supported his weight around the waist as we both limped forward, thinking of how luck we were to still be breathing. _

_Amidst it all; our heaving breathing and heavy panting was loud in our ears, despite the ringing in them, given the explosions bombarding us. Left, right, we walked forth trying to salvage the last of our barely there sanity by trying with much effort to not step on our fallen friends and comrades –there were many– showing them the respect they deserved by not pitying theirs deaths and promising to remember them, always. Then a high pitched screech pierced our ears and my instincts were to double over and cover my ears, but I was supporting a comrade whom I now realized was limp at my side…_

The image changed, completely blurry, even more so than the last –I shifted, moving lithely towards the upcoming intruder.

_Now I could hear my own heavy panting of my ragged breathing echoing on my ears as if I were doing it presently as I watched the people around me running amuck as the desperate flames of fire licked their homes to cinders. _

_Men were hauling their wives, trying desperately to keep their grieving lovers from entering the infernal embers and attempt to salvage their broods. Throughout these, I watched myself watch with glistening brimming eyes as women screamed at their husband's words of hate in the heat of the demoralizing moment, lamenting in their requiem those loved ones whom they would never see again. _

The disturbed images became even more so as my human self blinked, seemingly convulsively at the scene playing before us. _The screaming of mother's searching frantically for their lost children, the smoldering looks of those filled with jealousy given that they still had children to call for and find along with the wailing chants of the children looking for their lost parents, cheeks streaked and glistening with their shed tears, leaving a clean wet trail contrasting against their soot stained faces. The children's cry tugged desperately at my human-broken heart, their cry was that of a despair too new and yet so ancient, the probabilities of their suspicions too great to be deniable. Thoughts of abandonment were wrapped and woven intricately within their deterred cries as they searched around, their eyes haunted, pooled with twin reflections of growing embers that licked and blazed, needing no encouragement, as they consumed everything they touched and without a thought turning all to vestiges, not even a whisper of the beauty it once held was left behind as the burning fire consumed the entire city. Burned, soot-tainted ruins they had become. The sight detained a terribly ethereal beauty to it all –were your thoughts sadistic as were mine in that one moment– flames licking its way in an almost lazy dance as it held everyone's despair in its burning tongues, suspended in a time that seemed never to freeze. However, despite everything, the children's cries and mother's calling seemed louder and clearer, more demanding of my attention, than any other surrounding background noise, becoming simultaneously white-noise, even the deft ringing of my humanly-delicate ears seemed to dim in comparison. _

_Chaos. The clamor of fire, the resounding booming of explosions, and the enthralling lament of those able to compose a requiem for their lost ones could only be described as that: Chaos. Within my thoughts, I thought, and everything I was seeing led me to believe that my weak human self felt like shutting down, due to the impending and emotional assault my weak body was undertaking at that one precise moment in time –not taken into account the many other before this one –it had been too much, as I saw it. _

_My eyes would forever be haunted, from the moment of first blood to the moment I drew first blood. Memory haunts, especially those who do not poses the means of escape sleep ensues, nor the shielding fluttering of black-crimson lids. _

Everything darkened, voided of light momentarily, until only white began to exist and then I understood what had happened, a time lapses had occurred and the velvet caress of darkened heated wind made its awareness in the form of darkest night.

_I was standing in the same place as before, just as tattered, the flames just as high and still licking their way into and through the concrete or wood that obstructed their path in its rather maniacal inferno, and still the people mourned for their loved ones. Collapsing… the world about me was collapsing and there was nothing I could do or could have done about it. And just as my own human body and mind was about to crumble and collapse, just like my world in that one moment in time so long ago, a tugging to the front of my uniform shirt brought me back to the awareness of the chaos before me, to reality in memory. My head sliced down lithely, instinctively, in response so that my eyes could zero on the source of pulling awareness. Abnormally large, innocent, and terrified grey eyes, much like my own crazed and haunted ones, as the knife that I had unconsciously procured rested, drawing a crimson lining of blood, at the neck of the child before me. _

_My own eyes widened in realization as I hissed silently, a prayer of forgiveness passing through my lips as I understood why the little girl's eyes were so abnormally large –she was terrified by my actions and the knife resting at her small tender neck, which could easily end her life with just the right jerk of the wrist. Not that I would do that. She had obviously come to me for help, thinking me one of the good guys… had I been one of the good guys? Carefully I retrieved my slightly tainted knife, mustering with my eyes that I meant her no harm as I meticulously cleaned the knife with the rough material of my military pants, my other hand reaching slowly to wipe away the lining of blood that I had produced at the nook of the neck of the trembling girl before me –trust despite the trembling seemed to flood pass her eyes as tears sprang from them. My filthy thumb dismissed her protuberant tears with undeterred clumsiness despite my attempt at gentleness. I drew back after the simple gesture, giving myself space to kneel so as to be eye level with her, and whispered mumbled apologies as my hands of their own accord opened up in a welcoming gesture. _

_As soon as my warmth enveloped hers a paternal side that I did not know had still prevailed took over and I dipped my head, placing a gentle kiss atop the little girl's equally soot stained forehead soon after removing her curtains if inky silky hair aside. Almost without hesitation the little midget of a girl launched herself into the warmth of my embrace, not caring for the filth of my clothes. I looked at her small hands clutching tightly to my shirt as if in fear of my leaving her to fend for herself, I smiled gently and sadly at her, holding her tightly before promises that I knew not I could utter caressed their way shamelessly out of my parting lips. Almost too trusting she relaxed within my embrace after a long infinite moment of searching for the truth behind my words by gazing into my equally grey eyes, satisfied, her little hands wrapped around my strong neck and in an equally loving manner she buried her tear stricken face onto the crook of my neck, inhaling a shuddering breath. _

_A few exhausted and similar shuddering breaths later, and she was asleep in my arms. I remembered how melancholy had engulfed me then as I thought home, my family… my own little sister, and how much I missed them. Still do, I never did get the chance to apologize for my abandonment of them. The enemy with their flare and terror were looming closer, without a second's hesitation, child in my arms I fled. A silent vow played its caresses within my lips –this child I would protect until my breath was no more and I ceased to exist. _

The events following passed behind my eyes in an almost unrecognizable blur showering me with flashes of memories that still pained me to this day to remember –even in their broken up sequence. Unable to handle my waking nightmares I made attempt of stopping the still burning memories as they flashed and whisked in and out of sight behind my memory's eye and then, altogether, suddenly, I succeeded and they stopped, and I was brought to my present with much impending despair than before.

The intruder was reviled as he appeared out of the shadows of the forest's edge and a low but definite growl ripped from deep within my chest in warning.

"Emmett," I know it sounded like a spat but it really was mare curiosity and shock that quoted my words as the intruder was reviled to be the one brother I had not expected to see, standing before me.

"The one and only!" he boomed and I fought the obsessive urge to roll my eyes at his words as he made his way toward me at human pace, arms raised as if in surrender. An unusual grin that seemed not to reach his sharp eyes lacked his usually goofy gin's dominating presence as he glanced about our surroundings judgmentally –I was momentarily beginning to feel ashamed. Instead of the usual goofy grin that made me want to smack him in the head, that was faintly there, worry dominated his humorist eyes for once in my lifetime of knowing Emmett "the bear". He took in my muddied apparel and grimaced as his eyes quickly darted from the hole I had been previously buried in to my tattered and muddied clothing –no doubt putting two and two together as his stance took into the border line of sympathy. "You look like crap," he observed, voice almost silent. I smiled lightly at that and he responded in the same fashion, "hell" wouldn't quite make the cut, seeing as we all had glimpsed a sight of both hell and heaven during our agonized… transformation –the sarcastic cruelty of it always made me tick. It was as if death had been mocking me, us, saying, "_Look, this is what you might have obtained. Now you'll never see or reached either,_" like an 'effing teaser trailer. However, lets put that aside… for now. The probability of his worry being in regard to me making me feel something I was not quite acquainted to, a joy of inexplicable sorts. Could the possibilities of this unlikeable probability be true? The thought alone made my enigmatic resolution falter and pulsate as if its rhyme were that of a franticly fascinated, yet scared, heartbeat, and its slow assonance requiem.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, suspicion creeping into my tone, my teeth exposed menacingly, almost making me flinch.

"Hey, don't kill the messenger," Emmett said in that teasing sort of voice he often used when his wanton purpose was to get under my skin and at my nerves. It was working. I glared and growled at him, he stopped abruptly and sighed, shaking his head. "Look, seriously now, Jasper, I'm only here because of Esme, Carlislesent me," my stomach churned at his words, Esme, sweet Esme, always worrying after me like a son, "Esme says to come home. She's worried sick about you." Finally reaching me and cautiously putting a hand on my left shoulder, patting it reassuringly, he smiled down at me, a genuine smile that reached his jovial eyes. However, I realized, a little too late, after his smile had faltered, that just as sudden as the genuine smile had come it had been swiftly replaced by one that had not reached his eyes. Still his voice and emotions rang with a sincerity I knew I did not deserve. My posture, which had been tens as if ready to attack at any given sign of danger, relaxed upon my discovery of sincerity. However, try as I may, I could not summon the courage within myself to look Emmett in the eye, though it probably would not have done much because he too seemed to avoid my eyes.

"Sorry," I mumbled, hanging my head in shame. Emmett laughed then at my words, a booming and deeply resounding laugh that echoed throughout the open field, strangely enough, and patted my shoulder with enough force to make my feet sink several inches into the moist ground. I looked up at him, startled by the sincerity the sound of his laughter merged, meeting his eyes and seeing that it had reached his eyes, making them twinkle in that way that only Emmett's eyes twinkle.

"It's not me you need to apologize to," Emmett informed me, eyes gleaming with mischievous tease, "_I _wasn't one of the worried sick family members. Thinking that maybe you had probably reached the edge of dramatization and had officially turned idiotic enough to burn yourself to ashes and leaving a note behind asking us to please step over your graying cinders." I smirked at that, he had obviously been worrying and pacing the entire home, inside _and _out in his worry –I could simply detect it and _feel _it. I rolled my eyes then as I mulled over his words, _he _isthe over dramatizer, over thinking bear… Gratitude radiated from me at the thought. Emmett, feeling my emotions smiled encouragingly at me.

"You know what? You're right," I admitted, offering a tentative smile of my own, Emmett sank me deeper into the ground as he patted me, showing his approval. "You know…" I began, trailing off, letting the teasing tone of my emotions sink in, "last time I checked I was not a _dog_, at least, not that I was well aware off. I _could _be wrong…"

"That's the spirit!" Emmett chuckled boomingly, throwing his head back in laughter as I smiled sheepishly in response. "But you know, Jasper, I'm quite disappointed in you," Emmett added, looking grave, and my stomach sank to its depth as my face, too, fell with it. "I thought that you, of all people would have known that anyone can be anything as long as they believe strongly in what they believethey are," he chastised, proceeding, seeing and sensing my sinking reaction. My head snapped up to see him smiling that dangerous smile that always had me thinking that one day he might end up dislocating his jaw, from grinning so much; I glared at him. But then I couldn't help but smile back genuinely as my dead heavy heart became alight with relieveas the veils of sorrow were suddenly beginning to retrievetheir assault on me. He winked at me. I was so easy to figure out… but that gave me courage amongst _my _family.

"Sorry to be such a disappointment, however, I think I prefer myself as a… vampire, much better," I teased back, almost wincing at the last chosen words. Did I like myself better as a vampire?

"And I thought I had you there!" Emmett pouted mockingly, and this time it was _I _who laughed out loud, while Emmett continued to grin sheepishly.

"One point for the J, zero for the E!" I grinned triumphantly. The sound of my own laughter felt liberating, I could feel and see the pride emanating from Emmett as he gauged the booming echo of my laughter that seemed to give his a run for his money. His expressions lead me to believe that he had just accomplished his goal by making me laugh –his emotions stated his feeling of accomplishment, he was practically gloating.

"So…" Emmett began, trailing off, I urged him on with an eager, yet, cautious nod. I could feel something lurking through the surface. "How about a bet, race you home?" So that was it.

"I'm game," I quickly accepted, glad for a chance at good distraction. However, Emmett kept quiet as his eyes once more fell on the hole I had quarantined myself in just moments ago. I grimaced at that. The feeling of shame beginning me to overshadow me as I heard him say in a voice almost too small for me to hear something that sounded terribly close to, _nice hole_, or something along the lines. "How about that bet you were offering?" I said uncomfortably clearing my throat as Emmett's attention returned to me once again. His smile grew wicked.

"Lets see…" Was he trying to kill me with the suspense? "I say I race you home, the long way, catch small game on the run, you know, add to the fun, and get in touch with our artistic side on the way," he allowed, gauging my reaction. I must say, I was surprised to say the least, Emmett was being beyond considerate. Giving me time to sort out my thoughts before reaching home, that was for sure. Destruction would reign in our path, I was certain of that… what, with the kind of _art _Emmett was referring to. Plummeted boulders, if you know what I mean… however, I felt more than compelled to engage in the action nonetheless. This would be fun.

"What are the stakes?" I questioned after analyzing the possibilities and simultaneously letting him know that I was _definitely _in, he smiled, pleased.

"Whoever loses… has to face Rose's anger…" That… does not sound so bad, I mean, _I _can easily calm her down, I smiled confidently. "After scratching all her cars, canning the ceiling, and denting _all _of her tools. And, the most important; the looser has to serve as a fire fighter for _three _months!" My smile faltered. Hell no! _Damn_, I cannot just back out, he will never let me live it down. Besides, I already said I was game. Stupid Emmett, I grumbled under my breath. "What was that?" Emmett asked with that cocky grin of his in place.

"Add a billion to the stakes and it's settled," I allowed begrudgingly as I offered my hand out for him to shake on it and seal the deal.

"Deal," he said coyly, without a moment's hesitation. Taking my hand in his and giving it a sturdy shake, grinning eagerly from ear to ear.

"Three month, huh, Alice and Rose are so going to mutilate you," I stated, grinning at the image running through my head, he was going to be in so much trouble. His smile faltered momentarily before the coy smile returned.

"I guess that's a plus, adds to the _fun _of things… besides, this is men's game!" I rolled my eyes, shaking my head, grinning too. "Ready, set, go!" he called and he was off, catching me completely off guard.

"Hey!" I protested, chasing after him, "Cheater!"

* * *

On the way home, despite the rush of the chase, I wondered with trepidation why Edward had not been the one to seek me out, and probably single me out, why Emmett? Was Edward really that disgusted and angry with me? The thought made my lifeless heart heavy yet again.

"He was taking her home," Emmett offered silently, from behind me, answering my silent question. I nodded my equally silent thanks and sped off as another silent question entered my mind. How was Bella doing? There had been so much blood… and no matter what she said that was a fact. Emmett was, yet again, sensible enough to answer my preoccupied question, which I had yet to ask.

"Carlisle patched her up good, a few stitches but no impendentdamage was done. All sweet smiles and hugs that girl…" Admiration, that is what I was hearing and feeling from Emmett. I almost could not take it, I wanted to run off again and cry my lungs out… the lungs that would never give out. However, I did none of that, I simply nodded, relieved, as he glanced at me from the corner of his eye now that he was almost level with me.

True to our bet; we chased small game –simply scaring them, really, we were not thirsty– and, cough, did some fine specimen of an art… if you can call an upside down, pebbled together, _Sponge Bob _that, actually, looked like a very deformed jellyfish _Art_. Meanwhile, I, being a bit more _artistic_, ended up reconstructing a small mound of rocks into the sleeping form of a naked woman with flowing hair –quite the record time I did it under too. To say I was proud of myself would be an understatement. Emmett was, of course, jealous. However, it did not make me feel that bad, he's had his moments of glory in the past –like, when he redid _The Thinking_ man. _I _had been jealous then.

It seemed like in no time at all, after we had started our bet, I found myself staring at the closed door of my home –over Emmett's shoulder. Yes, the prude had won… hello, Jasper, the firefighter! _Sarcasm, people, sarcasm. _Momentarily I had loosed focus, blinked, and Emmett was opening the door, stepping over the threshold, and booming pompously as he went, "We're home!" The family was _all_ gathered there, the exception being Edward of course.

I took a deep breath as I watched Emmett make a beeline into Rosalie's readily opened arms and embraced her as she too, lovingly, embraced him back with as much force as he mustered; content to have finally reunited with each other. _If only she knew_, I mentally chuckled darkly. I stood rooted to my spot by the door as all eyes turned to me, sheepishly I sought out each and every face of the members of my family, lingering the longest on Alice's as I silently issued her an apology, which she immediately accepted –blowing a scented kiss in my direction. However, I saw none of the hostility I had expected to see, instead, I found welcoming smiles and kind eyes staring back at me. My departed heart jolted, elated, as I once more forced myself to look at Esme, my mother.

Once my eyes connected with hers, her arms opened wide, inviting me and welcoming me to an embrace as she stepped forward and shortly, after a moment's hesitation –seeing as I was all muddied up– I met her half way. She cared not for my petty worries as she embraced me, caressing me with the touch and love of a mother as she cupped my face in her feminine hands bringing my face to level with hers and kissing my forehead, nose, cheeks, and trembling lids.

"Welcome home, Jasper, we've missed you."

Then, I almost sobbed again as I relished on the feeling of her unconditional welcoming love and buried my face in her soft caramel locks. Esme still wanted me here, even after what I had done and almost done. The thought would had brought tears to my eyes had I been human and I let her know as much, my emotions embroiling onto her with a feather's caress.

"I will always want you _home_, never doubt that, Jasper, _my _son. And never doubt that your family love's you," Esme whispered for only my ears to hear as she placed a feathery kiss there too, gratitude and relieve washed over me in tidal waves.

I was _Home_.

* * *

_**A/N: **__So. Here's the thing, sorry it took so long and it's not even as long as I wanted it to be but I've got to take care of my git of a hand, such a pansy, else I won't be able to write anymore –due to agony. So, my million apologies and wish me, as I wish myself, a speedy recovery. _

_By the way, there is something you should know… I didn't plan for this chapter to begin like it did; in fact I've never planed any of my previous chapters, I just kind of write as I go without an ACTUAL plan. However, there is a set goal. That is the reason why I can keep on writing, or should I say, that I'm excessively good at dodging things and pulling them out of my sleeves without working a sweat? Really… give me any topic and I'll give you a story on the spot! I thought this was a good detail for you guys to know, explains why it takes me forever to write… I might write a rough draft and then when I'm typing the actual piece I get this amazing idea and then what I previously wrote looks nothing like it ends up being, clearly my undoing –always. _

_For those of you who received quotes for this chapter and have yet to see them, please, be patient, you'll see them next chapter for sure… this really wasn't what I had planned for this chapter. _

_So?? What did you, my minions think of this thee chapter? Like it? Hate it? Stop it, you'll hurt yourself? Hit me, what's the verdict! Click that little review thingy like button and let me know, it'll make me feel better. _

_Oh, and my one shot_"Devil Wears Prada" _is coming soon, I'm typing it! Along with one other… that I believe might end up being titled_ "Self Induced Nightmares for Thunder and Lightning."_ It will be yet another one shot with Jasper and dear old Bella –Romance, Angst, and probably a bit of Drama, I think…_

_So for next chapter I might include a little preview for both, "_Devil Wears Prada_" and_ "Self Induced Nightmares for Thunder and Lightning."

_The second one is a Jasper/Bella -Angst/Romance. It's about fear and it's a one shot, they're afraid of thunder and lightning, if you haven't figured that out... The day will start out with sticky notes -don't ask, lol. It'll probably end up being rated_ M

* * *

Let me give you a tinsy tiny **preview** for _"_Devil Wears Prada._"_

**Impending doom...**

**Doom comes to you, creeps in on you through the silence of a dark night, in the form of racketting heels.**

**Heels that unceremoniously punctuate, on the tiled floor, the countdown to ones eminent doom.**

**Doom has crept in on me, like a thief on a particularly dark night, unannounced and unwelcomed.**

**Okay, the unannounced part is a lie...**

**The Devil personally had informed me of my doom just last night.**

_That's all for the preview, let me know what you think!_

_Oh… yes, so this is how this story is looking:_

Story: Memoirs of Her Scent

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_**Long ass Author's Note... **sorry!_


	8. Day for Atonement

_**A/N: **__Thank you for your patience everyone! Here, finally, is the __**true **__chapter eight… I almost cannot believe there are so many people reading my story and waiting for it with alerts and everything, I am honored and delighted! I am terribly sorry it has taken me this long to bring this to you... many things have been going on in my life. Please be kind and Review, lets try and reach **150 and I'll give you your next chapter. A promise I can keep.**_

_

* * *

_

_**Memoirs of Her Scent**_

_**Previously;**_

"_Welcome home, Jasper, we've missed you."_

_Then, I almost sobbed again as I relished on the feeling of her unconditional, welcoming love and buried my face in her soft caramel locks, enveloping myself in Esme's embrace. Esme still wanted me here, even after what I had done and almost done. The thought would have brought tears to my eyes had I been human, and I let her know as much, my emotions embroiling onto her with a feather's caress. _

"_I will always want you home, never doubt that, Jasper, my son. And never doubt that your family love's you, for this is where you belong," Esme whispered for only my ears to hear as she placed a feathery kiss there too. Gratitude and relieve washed over me in tidal waves. "With us, always."_

_I was Home.

* * *

_

_**Ch8: Day for Atonement**_

I sat in the quiet, contemplating that which cannot be contemplated by mortal eyes or mind, that which cannot be fathomed by mere reasoning. Listening as the wind and its dancing leaves would rustle pass me, casting their spell upon the soon arrival of twilight, and over me.

The tantalizing love-sweet scented caress with which the experienced fingers of the wind made the grass swoon had me spellbound. As I watched their multifaceted dancing, unfolding before me, I left my mind to wander deeper into the cobwebs that I rarely managed to explore within my thoughts, managing to put aside emotions temporarily. With tremors fear I unraveled within the thoughts of two days ago…

"The outcome will still be the same, Jasper. There's no getting around it and you know it." The words dancing behind my lips rolled out like a well known mantra, only, in the form of a desolated sigh; due to the many times I had been repeating them. "And no matter what she says, she most hate you by now. …Bella, I'm so, so sorry..." Every single time I saw _that_ memory. The _fear_ in Bella's eyes stared at me, mocking my tormented mind and me as I visualized, for the hundredth time, what _could have _been and had not been. More than even_ I_ would have thought possible, the mere thought haunted me, and the idea that she might actually hate me, mattered.

Yet another follow-up sigh, "Talking to myself _cannot _be healthy." With that outspoken thought interrupting the rhythm of the wind, I shifted my position on the branch I found myself sited upon, humans, after all, never stayed in the same position longer than five minutes –force of habit by now. Years of observation had shown me that. I had appearances to keep on, even in the heart of the woods I momentarily inhabited; as Carlisle used to tell us, one never knows what one may encounter out there. Taking _us _as examples.

I was 'alone' and running away from my circumstances, avoiding eye contact, or any form of communication for that matter. Unknowingly it had reached this point. How long had it been since I last directed a few sensible words to my family, to Edward… to my _Alice? _

The silent mention of my wife's name sent my thoughts into havoc as I flinched away from it, there was no reason for my avoiding her, my all understanding goddess. So, why? I did not want to think about it and yet, today, it seemed, I was doing everything that contradicted my very wishes, with a force that I was becoming no match for. It seemed inevitable, that I would run full force into that which I wanted to run away from; my thoughts of Alice.

If anything, she should be the one I needed to talk to the most. She would be the one to know how to steal my pain away. Was she not? Still, for some reason, I found myself running away from her stare, away from her love, and away from everything that I have known –reason.

The mood that the ambient around me provided was one of ecstasy and intimacy, where earth and water's dew united under earth's skirts with sweet whispers and caresses, luring me in with their scheming allure. Five minutes past and my body, of its own accord, as I make it seem, shifts itself as if to give off the vibe that my position, upon my branch, is one that has brought discomfort. In all reality, there is no such thing as physical discomfort for me, at least not when it does not involve emotions.

However, as it was, I was causing the branch I was perching myself on some discomfort. Keeping that in mind, I made an attempt to extract myself of my current location and position. I had overstayed my welcome and was already beginning to disturb the animals that had been peacefully loitering and grazing the grass at their feet.

As I dismounted my tree branch I heard a whisper of a voice carried by the wind reach me. Though slightly distorted by the rain's patter I was sure I recognized it. And if I wanted to be stubborn and pretend I did not then the scent that mingled in it would have forever, irrevocably done me in. Edward. My brother. Bad news, he was near. Good news, he was not near enough.

Half of my hemisphere was telling me to move on and go home, approach the situation with Alice, while the other half caught bits of the conversation that had fluttered to me via wind. What I had grasped from the conversation disturbed me greatly. I understood that a lie was being told and that lie was being believed, I did not know which was worse.

Now that I was looking at things more thoroughly I knew that I should have ran when I still had had the chance, when I had previously decided to do so. Edward was on the move and he was not alone; Bella was with him, I could _smell _her. My head lolled back as my lids closed over my eyes, enhancing her scent as my nose flared, watering my mouth, ready for a taste of–STOP!

You, Jasper, need to get a hold of yourself!

I need to run. I was telling myself to run and, yet, by some unknown force, stronger than I, that was keeping me rooted to the ground beneath my feet, I did nothing. I was immobile, like an ancient rock, against my wills. I knew that if I moved, even one muscle, my instinct would lead me on a hunt to search for the mouthwatering scent. My mind knew it, my _body_ knew it, and so did my senses.

For a moment the wind blew swifter than it had moments ago and my eyes grew wide as the rampant scent of Bella's allure rampantly hit my. My fingers dogged themselves into the bark of my surrounding trees, in an attempt to keep me at bay. It was not working; the scent was too distracting and pierced through reason, tearing it apart. Her scent was strong but I opted to be stronger, I began to move in the direction that leads me away from them, away from Bella's scent.

Those had been my intentions, to stray away from the path to sure destruction. However, it seemed that my body had other intentions as soon as my ears had caught the tone in Edward's voice, he was about to let Bella down, he was about to break her and I could not have that. That was what I was telling myself as I began to run, following the trail of Edward's and Bella's scent as navigational connotation. I ran faster than I had ever run, with more lethality than I ever suspected I could have acquired in a lifetime of immortality, even.

My only thought being that I had to get to them before he said the words that would crush them both. Edward, always the martyr, was sure to follow through his plan, of that I was positive. And I could not have that. Still, I was late.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." I had heard Edward say to Bella and the sound of her crumbling heart drummed through my ears and I stopped short on my steps as the accelerated beat alimented the dormant devil. I had failed, yet again, to stop someone from getting hurt, to protect Bella. The weight of this failure instantly sending me to my knees as my eyes sought the heavens.

My frame shook with rage and my fingers briefly sank into the soil and grass in an attempt to ground myself, so as not to do anything rash. A buzz rang in my ears, becoming steadily louder and louder as it grew nearer. A flash in the darkness that was just as bright to my eyes. My hand shot out reflectively, taking hold of what I suspected to be clothing material.

"_Edward_," I hissed, bearing my teeth as I did the only thing that came to mind, and slammed him against a tree that turned into trees as they caved under the strength of the impact.

"Jasper," Edward said, surprise evident in his tone and, could it be, a mingling tone of regret, shame, and disillusion. However, despite his tone, his face reflected defiance and my mind reacted to what I was seeing as my hand went from his collar to his neck and I began to crush his pipes.

"What the hell did you do, Edward?"

"I did what I had to. Told her what we had agreed to," Edward rasped through my tight grip, his hand griping my wrist and attempting to make sway me into loosening my grip.

"Were it not for the fact that you are my brother, it would pleasure me to kill you."

"Do it then, I wont stop you."

I glared at him and he stared right back, matching my resentment. "I _hate_ you... doing this to her, I would have thought it unheard of, coming from you of all people." Disappointment sipped out of me, along with hate, which, to my surprise, made Edward look away from me, ashamed.

"Why do you even care?" Edward spat vehemently, glaring at me once more, his killing intent doubling. For a moment, a fraction of a moment, I was at a loss for words. Why _did_ I care?

"Why do I care, you ask? Simple. I care, because she cared."


	9. Unrelenting

_**A/N: **__Thank you, to all of you who have reviewed and to those of you that have been keeping an eye out for my story. Now I shall present you with the next installation to my story, please, enjoy._

* * *

Memoirs of Her Scent

_**Ch9: Unrelenting**_

_**Previously;**_

_"Were it not for the fact that you are my brother, it would pleasure me to kill you."_

_"Do it then, I wont stop you."_

_I glared at him and he stared right back, matching my resentment. "I hate you... doing this to her, I would have thought it unheard of, coming from you of all people." Disappointment sipped out of me, along with hate, which, to my surprise, made Edward look away from me, ashamed._

_"Why do you even care?" Edward spat vehemently, glaring at me once more, his killing intent doubling. For a moment, a fraction of a moment, I was at a loss for words. Why did I care? _

_"Why do I care, you ask? Simple. I care, because she cared."_

_

* * *

_

An eerie silence preceded my words as Edward and I stared each other down and then, suddenly, laughter erupted all around us within the consuming darkness. I would have deemed it _maniacal_, were it not for the fact that there was no real emotion behind the laughter that was leaving Edward's throat and filling the silence; it was purely _empty_, the epitome of _voids_.

"How exactly did you happen across that conclusion, _brother_?"

Something within me flared, Edward was mocking me. Hearing him laugh like that sent a rush of something unsubstantial that burned my insides without mercy and reminded me just how cold my being really was. I guttural hiss thundered from my throat. I wanted to snap my teeth across his throat. I wanted my venom to contaminate the streams of the red, consuming valleys that tempered with his immortality, where the elixir of life of another's swam and provided his. And I saw it.

"Do it," he challenged. His voice, eyes, body language, and overacting emotions were telling me just how much he would not mind losing his immortality to me right here and now.

"No." I shook my head, disgusted, as I let go of his throat as if just being near Edward would eventually end up in my bursting into flames. "If I was to abide by your suicidal wish, that would abscond this world with an unnecessarily devastated Bella; always mourning for a selfish _bastard_. I won't have that, not on my behalf."

"How would you know?" Edward demanded, massaging his 'bruised' throat.

_I can feel her pain, the hurt that your words caused her. That's how_, I thought, not bearing the thought of saying the words out loud without my voice faltering. _It is unbearable. Stronger than any pain I have experienced before. Not even during war did I come across pain like hers. The betrayal–_

"Enough!" Edward cried, a tortured cry of clemency.

"The betrayal she feels… the whole that you just ripped through her heart…" I went on, my voice hushed but assertive, "She _trusted _you–"

"I said, _enough_!"

"She gave herself to you and this is how you repay her?" I could not hold my tongue even if I wanted to. It was as if I were in some sort of trance and the words that I spoke were the tears that I was hearing sliding down Bella's smooth cheek, falling into the soil –my words paying back for each of them. "By crushing her trust when things got just a little too _dark _for _your _taste?"

"Shut up!" Edward hissed, coming at my throat, teeth bared, and pinning me to a tree that immediately turned to splinters under the forcefulness of the action. Now I was the one gasping for unneeded breath.

_How ironic Edward, the truth seeker can't stand to hear the truth, _my mind spat.

Edward growled a warning.

_You may crush my throat and silence my voice, but you can _never _silence my thoughts, _brother. Another growl, followed by my own agonized guttural growl, as Edward broke my arm.

"That's one way to silence thought," Edward spat with a grimace as the echoes of pain that resonated through my thoughts echoed in his mind as well.

"But… never –for long," I groaned. Edward glared and hissed as he tried to escape my presence and thought but I followed close behind. My arm promptly healing, my throat uncrushed. I could feel the swirl of emotions underlying each lethal movement as Edward paced before me, nose flaring as he breathed, trying to regain control. "Edward…"

He stopped his pacing, turning to me. "Jasper… I had to do it. Can't you understand that?" His eyes looked pleadingly at me, his own plead streaming from his body and threading to me in agglomeration with my own turmoil of screaming emotions. Anger. Pity. Aggravation. Sorrow. Confusion. Resentment. Disappointment.

"No. I cannot understand. It does not make sense to me what you are doing, leaving Bella when she is most vulnerable."

"She is vulnerable because of me! If I hadn't exposed her to you–" Edward ranted, looking as aggravated as he looked apologetic. I shrugged, showing that I had not taken offense. "To our family, to the dark side of the world she knew. If I had not fallen for her… Who did I think I was, trying to eclipse our worlds into one? Even through an eclipse, the moon and the sun may join as one for a couple of hours, but then they must separate to avoid calamity." Edward kept pacing, back and forth, wasting the ground beneath him. "The moon and the sun were never meant to be together. They are the leading roles of a perpetual dance. Always meant to dance around each other, without ever really seeing eye to eye, or touching…"

The look on Edward's face was that of a lost man, desperately trying to find his way back home and finding no one to give him a lead. I felt his desperation as if I had run headfirst right into a concrete wall without bracing myself for the impact, or knowing that there had been a wall there in the first place. "Edward… I think you should ignore all reason and go back to her," I suggested weakly, feeling troubled. "It's not fair to Bella, you leaving her because of what happened with me, and specially without explaining your reasons." Guilt washed over me in tidal waves that threatened to sway me further into the agglomeration of overpowering emotions.

"It's not fair to Isabella that _I _put her in danger merely because I decided to act against all reason in the first place and fell in love with her," he countered stubbornly. I shook my head, feeling exhausted. "She's in danger as it is, being with me. I can't expose her to all of us like that. It is like you said Jasper, she trusts me too blindly. Can she not see that I am a _monster_?"

_You? _I laughed without any real humor. _A Monster, Edward? If she did not see _me _as a monster after the way I attacked her, how could she be open to the possibility that you, the one she is in _love _with, is a monster? _I argued mentally. My mental voice possessing a stronger edge than I had intended for it to have, one that I could not quite control or understand.

"Do _not_ patronize me," Edward cautioned, his gaze piercing, searching for any hidden meaning within my thoughts.

"I am not," I said irritably, "I am stating a fact. Bella will not understand your decision, not when she knows that you are someone that fights his nature. We all fight our nature, Edward, and she sees that. Therefore, in her eyes, we couldn't possibly present any harm to her." As I spoke and stated these facts, I knew, deep within, that they were true. Bella would agree, those were her very thoughts. "It doesn't take you reading her mind, even if you could, to understand that."

Edward's body tensed at my last words and then, suddenly, he was crouching, ready to attack me. "You… you can never understand, even with all that _sensibility_…"

"You are right. Why don't you explain it to me," I spat, dexterously crouching my body into a similar fighting stance that came to me like second nature. "In the end my opinion will still be the same. You need to go back to her and make things _right_."

"_You _are the one that made a mess of this, so why don't _you _got back and make it, as you say, _right_," Edward challenged vehemently. His vehemence made me flinch.

"You know what? Maybe I will… why don't you go ahead and tell Alice," I answered calmly, straightening myself. Satisfied by the shock that overtook Edward's features. "Tell her not to wait for me, that if your decision is to flee," Edward's eyes flashed at the suggestion but he remained quiet, "then that's alright, I will join her later, when I am able." Just like that I turned and began to run towards Bella's general direction, following the memory of her scent, still lingering in the dampness. "And tell her… tell Alice, I love her still."

"I shall do that…" I heard Edward whisper stiffly as I lost myself within the tangle of trees. "…I'm sorry…" I'm still not sure whether or not Edward really said those words, they could have been wishful thinking on my part; I like believing he did, for my sanity.

* * *

A pungent sweet smell, like that of wet dog, stopped me hot on my tracks as I neared Bella, bombarding my senses. Then the quick thumping of paws on moist floor echoed in my ears, something was approaching.

My eyes followed Bella as she deliriously, blindly searched in her desperation for Edward. Something like hollowness took over me as I watched, trying to decide how best to approach her. She looked so torn, so devastated by her loss and betrayal.

"_Edward… Edward, where are you?"_ I heard her whimper over and over again, my rationality crushed each time.

Just as I had breached a decision, voices that seemed to come from all directions shattered the silence of voids. Shouts of Bella's name echoed over and over around me, followed by that disgusting smell of wet dog that seemed to follow all around. A branch broke off somewhere to my left and then a shadowed figure followed. Instinct took over and I moved, overriding instinct, away from the scene just as I heard Bella reply to the cries of her name. Her voice hollow and sorrow filled, her very own tears drowning its musicality.

* * *

I patiently waited, listening intently to everything that happened outside my immediate perimeter of sight. I wanted to talk to Bella but I knew I had to talk to her when she was on her own again. And at the moment her worried father and the wolf that had rescued her were surrounding her, the possibilities of me being able to calmly talk to her near impossible. I could wait, or so I told myself as my patience was wearing thin. Until, thankfully, Bella managed to shrug off all of her father's questions and everyone else's inquisitive gaze and headed for her house and, I hoped, up to her room. I waited some more, until the wolf scampered it off, giving Bella time to collect herself or to completely fall apart.

From the many times I had heard Edward mentioning how he always managed to enter Bella's room undetected I knew just what to do myself as I bounded up the tree near her window at lightning speed, aiming for that very window. Darkness. Where it not for my eyes being able to see just as clearly at night, that is all I probably would have been able to see as I entered her room. As it was, my eyes fell upon the huddled up form of a disheveled Isabella frantically searching for something. Whatever it was, she did not find it.

"Bella," I whispered quietly, without intending to. Bella's body tensed, before clumsily standing and facing me blindly, her turmoil of emotions reaching out to me with heart aching longing. I saw the over flooding tears, cascading imperiously down the planes of her smooth skin. Sensations that I had never felt before smothered over my entire body, causing a confusion of sentiments within me. I just wanted to comfort her, make her pain go away, any way I could. Yet, somehow I felt that my particular _gift _would not be enough to dominate such strong emotion of devastation, this time around. I too, wanted to cry. I wanted to curse the skies, for allowing such a small person to cry her woes on her own when they had embraced _my_ very own grief before, someone who did not deserve their sympathy. Why would they allow for Bella's body to shake with grief the way it was doing? She deserved much more than that, of that I was sure.

"Ed –Edward?" She stammered within a whispered, hopeful. Her hopefulness gnawed at my insides, making my monstrosity apparent. My lifeless heart sank, knowing that when she noticed it was I, and not Edward, standing before her, her pain would undoubtedly double and turn to lashing fury. "Is that… is that you?" It was as if she dared not hope. And she was right, she should not have hoped. I hated myself for being the instigator of her hope as I languidly and reluctantly stepped forth, sucking in a breath and holding it.

_I'm sorry, Bella, it is only I, Jasper, the cause of your pain…_ my mouth hushed as the thought burst into my mind. _I only wish to help. _I braced myself for what would follow; she would scream at me, her eyes full of hate, I was sure, and ask me to leave so that she would not have to glimpse my monstrous face, the face that had shattered her perfect spell, and had sent everything in her world spiraling out of control.

_I am sorry…_

_

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_

_**A/N: **__And that's all folks! Hope it is not to short for anyone's taste. You read? Then you need to review and the next chapter shall appear as quickly as I can produce it. I think I might be back! _


	10. Oral Fixation

A/N: Yes, I'm still alive, somehow... anyway, Happy New Year's people!!! Here it is!! Review!!!

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Chapter 10: Oral Fixation **_

_I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed_

_(I could do most anything to you...)_

_Don't you breathe_

_Something happened, that I never understood_

_You can't leave_

_Every second, dripping off my fingertips_

_Wage your war_

_Another soldier, says he's not afraid to die_

_Well I am scared_

_In slow motion, the blast is beautiful_

_Doors slam shut_

_A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away_

_Safe and sound_

_-Snow Patrol_

_**

* * *

Previously;**_

"_Ed –Edward?" She stammered within a whisper, hopeful. Her hopefulness gnawed at my insides, making my monstrosity brutally apparent. My lifeless heart sank, knowing that when she noticed it was I, and not Edward, standing before her, her pain would undoubtedly double and turn into lashing fury. "Is that… is that you?" It was as if she dared not hope. And she was right, she should not have hoped. I hated myself for being the instigator of her hope as I languidly and reluctantly stepped forth, sucking in a breath and holding it, albeit one I need not hold. _

I'm sorry, Bella, it is only I, Jasper, the cause of your pain_… my mouth hushed as the thought burst into my mind. _I only wish to help_. I braced myself for what would follow; she would scream at me, her eyes full of hate, I was sure, and ask me to leave so that she would not have to glimpse my monstrous face, the face that had shattered her perfect spell, and had sent everything in her world spiraling out of control._

I am sorry…

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Suddenly, as I held my breath and thought, running over my head what would be a proper excuse –for my being here and not leaving with the others, as should have been expected– the thought of stepping into a battlefield felt much more appealing. War seemed a piece of cake in comparison to what I was about to do, I contemplated. Even facing my demon would have seemed inviting at the moment.

I took a step closer. "Bella…" I breathed, sorrow dripping each syllable of her name, clinging to it with a thrashing delicacy in all its contradiction.

Bella's breath sounded ragged as she spoke. "Edward, is that… is that… _really_ you?"

I flinched, gulping. I shook my head, forgetting she could not see me. And for a moment I found myself wondering how could she have confounded our voices. I chanced another step that took me closer to where Bella stood, just out of reach, in the semi-darkness and impaired my ability to breath unnecessarily. The pain and fear of shattering the hope that dripped from her voice almost incapacitating me to the point of –what must feel like– physical pain to a vampire.

Closing her eyes, lips trembling with gasps, and head shaking from side to side, Bella took two steps backward for every step I took, her name swooshing over her while my own sorrow reached her like climate tides washing over imposing boulders. Another two calculated steps followed in quick sequence and she matched them with every backward step of her own.

'_Don't you breath, Jasper,' _I thought to myself as I watched her clumsy retreat and her scent mingled lazily and tantalizingly behind. A shaky breath slipped between my lips as I waited, bidding my time. Possible hunts flashing behind my vision, focusing my interest on the thirst I _needed _to satiate. My tongue danced lazily behind parted lips, trying to catch a taste of that provocative scent. Something like a purr sounded deep in my throat, euphoric…

I only realized my mistake as Bella turned from me, giving me her back, her fragile frame wavering as she desperately felt for the wall behind her. I stopped –pardon the pun– dead on my tracks. Frozen, afraid to make any sudden movement or even fake a breath.

Bella had not confounded our voices, I realized. She had unknowingly been hearing what I had known she wanted to hear, what I had let her hear –Edward's voice. Unintentionally, I had coated myself in Edward's feelings for Bella. Thus, resulting in my grave mistake. A miscalculation –an i_ndiscretion_– one that I rarely committed when dealing with people who took to drown in their own despair. I had come here to somehow mend her, and yet, the first thing I have done might actually break her.

_Great_. _Jasper, you are an ingenious genius._

"Please, Edward… wait, don't leave me again…" Bella's broken words stopped me amid decision; just when I had made up my mind to let things be and escape into the night without a trace. I noted that Bella had found what she had been looking for. There was a very loud _flick _that sounded in the darkness. I rooted myself to the floor as light inundated the room, taking away the comfort of shadows.

I wanted to run and hide, but could not, I was suspended in bated breath. Instead, I held my breath as her hand left the light switch with a slight tremor and she turned my way, her eyes seeking me out –well, Edward. Bella's eyes were drowning in over spilling tears, face flushed, rooted to the spot as shock ran through her with a shiver. Right then, I thought I probably was her worst nightmare, by the looks of it. For a comic moment, I felt like cornered prey.

She stared at me in disbelief, not daring to hope. Some kind of shadow tripped across the berth of her doe eyes, dulling them. Her breathing accelerated.

I waited. Waited for the screaming, kicking, and hitting to start. For her to shout at me, demanding that I get out, for her to blame me for what had occurred. Waited. None of that came and I found myself wanting to hear that instead of the deafening silence that ensued.

Another bated moment passed and neither of us dared utter a word. My eyes followed Bella's trembling hands as they moved, seemingly of their own accord, to clutch nervously at the fabric across her abdomen.

For a moment she looked like she might throw up and then the moment passed. It felt like an eternity, but only I could be certain that it had only been five seconds before she finally spoke. "Jasper?" she questioned, disbelief sizzling from her very pores.

Throat dry as parchment, I swallowed hard several times trying to douse Bella's and my combined bile of prolonged apprehension. "Bella," I croaked. My eloquent mannerisms momentarily abandoning me, of course, when I needed them most. I wanted to ram my head into a wall, or maybe get ripped apart by a rouge vampire. Take your pick. I ran a hand through my blond hair nervously and chanced a small but timid smile. Though, I think it came out as a grimace.

However, that seemed to have done the trick. Visibly and emotionally I felt Bella's tension leave her as she relaxed, shoulders sagging with the lone weight of her warring sorrow.

Silently I watched as Bella's breath caught and quickened and my vision became blurred as everything around me spun and I staggered. Bella was still looking at me without really seeing me as her chest rose and fell with the effort to keep on breathing. Fatigue crept around her neck, choking her with crawling crimson fingers, pooling just at her cheeks.

Abruptly I took a step back, trying to escape and knowing that I could not leave her like this, though I was tempted if only it would take me further from the succulent banquet flooding and crawling at her air supply with a furious song that only orchestrated at my ears.

Panic enveloped me. I could see myself walking back up to Bella and making all her sorrow and fear melt away with a single well-directed touch of my power. I could easily cocoon her into a false sense of safety that would warrant ultimate trust and then, the songs eluding from her veins would become an orchestra of tantalizing dancers across the floor of my tongue… I could just _taste _it. _Want…_

A shiver ran through my body as I fisted my hands and with all of my self-control I shook the visions of hunt away from my mind's eye. Bella needed me right now as much as I needed her _bloo_- '_Jasper, focus!' _I hissed inwardly. I clamped my mouth shut, trying not to think of the lingering taste of her scent that tantalized the tip of my tongue just from the inadvertently intake of breath that I had inhaled.

With difficulty I tried to focus on Bella's face before me as I caged the demon within me and tried to see Bella, _really_ see Bella. Her eyes were blurry with tears, still seeking answers to the questions swimming within her eyes, answers that I could not give her. Instead, I tried to overpower the effect her emotions were having on me. I tried to produce calmness and tranquility, finally in control. I grasped at anything I could manipulate then, if only to try and tranquilize the spiraling chaos within her, even when it was not being welcomed.

"Stop it," Bella warned, shaking her head from side to side. Bella's reproachful eyes almost made me cave to her wish, but I could not. "Don't –pain…"

"I'm sorry…." If I stopped she might just stop breathing altogether. Suddenly, Bella was falling. Afraid I would not catch her, even with my heightened speed, I moved without thinking. My body tensed as Bella supported her weight in my arms, her eyes never leaving mine as she frowned like she was trying to make sense of what had just happened. Her warm breath fanned over my face as my lids closed in hypnotized unawareness and I leaned in to her, my demon taking control.

"Jasper," Bella breathed _awe _tangling her words with a sort of frantic allure. My eyes fluttered open as if I had been rudely awakened from a fitful dream as a low growl ripped itself from the deepest part of my throat and dethatched myself from Bella, running like a wise man runs from temptation. Bella gasped, my sudden actions sending her tumbling all over again. Once gain I acted without thinking, catching her. "_Jasper._"

Bella touched my face in an attempt to prove that I was not, in fact, a figment of her imagination or momentary insanity, her actions taking me by surprise. I was taken so off guard that I was left with not time to react or dethatch myself from her. She had enveloped me with the warmth of her embrace, asking silently for my comfort and providing me with a comfort of my own. She held my gaze, her eyes demanding a promise from me.

"I'm here," I whispered, a promise, caressing her hair as Bella buried her face in my chest. Her body frail and trembling in my arms as her tears soaked through my shirt, her scent overpowering in a different way, mangled with unbelievable anguish. I wondered how someone, seemingly so breakable and prone to suddenly stop existing, could feel so strongly without falling apart. "I'm here…"

For a long moment I just stood there, trying to maintain all of Bella from falling apart, feeling inutile like I was not doing enough, though I hoped it was enough. I _hoped_. I marveled and mulled over that thought for a length of time, unaware of when had it been that I had last hoped for anything. I peeked curiously at Bella, who had quieted down a while ago; her tears now dry, and held her at arms length. A million questions ran through my head and yet I asked none of them. I simply asked a silent question as I glanced from her to her bed. Understanding, Bella nodded, offering her consent.

Carefully I gathered Bella in my arms and carried her to bed and laid her down, readying to leave her to her cloudy thoughts for the night. "Jasper," Bella spoke my name as I turned, with an edge of hysteria and desperation.

"Bella?" I looked at where her trembling hands had reached for mine, stopping my swift retreat, frowning. She was so… _warm_.

"Please don't leave me behind…" she choked, looking like a lost child. "Don't go…" Tears welled up in her eyes once again and I caught them before they could spill. She leaned into the touch, her hand hovering over mine, keeping me there.

"Hush… I'm here, I won't leave you," I whispered, uncertain, as I gathered Bella in my arms and placing her in my lap as I sat in her bed, caging her in comfort once more. "If you'll have me, I'm here for you." Promises that I knew I could keep kept rolling off my tongue as I tried to reassure Bella of my honesty.

As Bella's uncertainty levels dropped, my own levels of trepidation scaled without consent. I was afraid. Terrified that I would fail to cage the demon within me as it sprout its evil head every time a breeze would hoist her scent and blow it straight at my sense, letting me savor its faint promise of liquid sin. My mouth pooling with venom I swallowed hard, the effort acid in its exertion. I needed to run from the temptation this human girl presented.

"Jasper?" I stiffened as Bella's voice broke through my efforts and I felt my sanity and control slipping, heard the triumph in the laughter that echoed from within as my demon declared victory, I was about to fail… "Jasper?"

Sharply, I turned my attention to Bella, –she had been examining my every reaction– swallowing a guttural growl before it even dared escape me. I was still in control; _I would still be in control._ I saw Bella flinch, fearful, but as I channeled into her fear I realized that she was afraid _for me_ and not for what I may do to her, like she should have been. I could not help but marvel, once again, how brave she was. Though, some of that bravery, I challenged, might be do to some sort of stupidity, but I could not be sure.

"Jasper, are you still here?" Bella questioned as I kept staring blankly at her.

I blinked. "Yes… I'm here. What was that you asked?"

"Is he– " she hesitated, hugging herself, "is everyone else… _gone?_" I flinched as she whispered the very last word, almost choking on it.

"Yes." I answered vaguely, barely above a whisper, hoping she would not hear and not daring to look at her as I stared out her window trying to find something to focus my glance on anything but Bella. She shuddered and stiffened within my grasp. She had heard me. Resigned, I continued to explain, "they all left, though I can't be certain where. We had packed everything before I decided to come here."

"Even Alice?"

"Alice too." I nodded, suddenly feeling my mate's loss somewhere deep within me. Bella too felt it; I was sure, just as she felt some sort of betrayal from Alice's disappearance.

"Why are _you _the only one here, Jasper?" she questioned, bringing to light the question I had hoped she would avoid. I remained quite, not knowing what to answer. I was not even sure why I had decided to leave everyone I loved behind to come to the rescue of this one human I barely knew. "Did –he send you here?" Anger rolled off her at the thought. "Was it you who took his pictures away?" She demanded, taking my face in her hands so that I would look at her.

I looked at her, her face once more stained with tears and frowned. "Pictures…?" I shook my head in a clear negative and saw her defenses go down as she crumbled deeper under her anguish. "Bella, I wished I had answers but I don't. I don't even know why I'm here… I just thought," I shrugged, "that maybe I could help you…" I thumbed Bella's warm tears as she looked at me, her gaze penetrating, gauging my sincerity until she nodded and remained silent, accepting.

"Thank you, Jasper," Bella whispered after a long pause, more of that delectable liquid sorrow making their mark down her cheeks and onto my shirt. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me, Bella," I assured her, "I want to be here." I held Bella close, mustering all of my comfort, and thought of Alice. I wondered if she had been surprised at my decision and if she had left knowing that I would not hurt Bella for the time being when she had seen one of her visions, given my decision. I wanted to know what else she had seen, why had there been a lingering feel of insecurity trailing behind her, accentuating her leave. "You should sleep."

"Will you be here when I wake?" Bella asked, momentarily panicking as she held on to me instinctively.

"Yes," I promised. "Now, go to sleep."

"I'll try," she said, shivering.

"I'm sorry," I said, slightly bashful. "Maybe you should get under the covers?" I offered. "Since I'm always cold…"

"No, it's okay, I'm already used to it." I felt dumb, dull. I did the only thing I could do, nod and drape a sheet around her to provide her with some sort of warmth. I knew what she meant, and it somehow made me uncomfortable, like I was intruding somehow, she was used to it because of Edward. Edward seemed to always be touching her one way or the other, be it holding her hand or an accidental brushing of arms. I admire his control, it was I and I could barely withstand being here with her. Not to mention I was not even breathing, or relaxed.

"I make you uncomfortable," Bella observed.

For a moment I almost panicked and then, realizing it was not a reaction I would normally express I ignored it. "I'm not used to being at such close proximity to a human without… you know."

Bella blushed and nodded. I silently hissed and cursed at the suddenly succulent rush of adrenaline rushing just underneath her tender flesh, calling out to me for a taste in a loud and teasing singsong. Bella looked at me, feeling me tense under her, eyes large and apologized profusely as she tried to undo the blush pooling at her cheeks.

"Bella. Sleep," I said, sounding harsher than I wanted to as I cut Bella off.

"Right," she said slowly, scampering off my lap and motioning for me to stand. I stood, observing as she loitered around. Amused, I realized she had completely ignored me. "Turn around," she ordered quietly. I did so, not understanding but not about to question. _Humans._

"Is nice not wanting to kill you, difficult as it is," I admitted off handedly, trying to fill in the silence, earning myself a watery laugh from Bella.

"I wouldn't miss being attacked." I sighed, finally feeling like I had done something for her. I heard her rummaging about and then the slight rustle of clothing being pulled over skin and then her hair cascading onto her back in small waves that perfumed the space with her distinct freesia scent. Before I knew what I was doing, my head was falling back and I was inhaling deeply the warmth of Bella's rich aroma, my tongue experimentally tasting the air. Hunger pooled at my mouth, caressing my tongue as it moistened with the nectar of promises.

"You can turn around now," Bella announced, saving her own skin by bringing me back and successfully caging the greater demon of the two. Doing as Bella had ordered I realized that Bella had changed into something more comfortable and flimsy for sleep. "Right," Bella said self-consciously as I stared at her and made to turn off the lights. I rummaged a hand through my hair as Bella found her way in the darkness to where her bed was. Once in bed, she patted the empty space next to her invitingly. "Lay with me?"

Taking a breath, as if readying for battle, I went over to lie next to her. It was going to be a _very_ long night. I just hoped she would survive it, at least until morning came.


	11. October

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch11: October**_

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_****Disclaimer: Do not own it, never will, just the plot line.**_

**_A/N: As a thank you to those of you who reviewed I've updated earlier than planned. Thank you so much, this here chapter is your tribute, enjoy it. Btw, thank you "Jade" for reading and reviewing and to the other Anonymous reviewer let me know if you guys have any questions._**

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_**Counter**_

_I never knew rain could fall upside down, until you made it possible_

_I battle the militias that tear you apart, without surrender;_

_your voice reaches me, its presence palpable,_

_from far away, I admire you tender_

_and beckon with whispered parable_

_to fallow me thither,_

_for a manic gamble,_

_where darkness embraces the soul devourer._

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_**Previously;**_

"_You can turn around now," Bella announced, saving her own skin by bringing me back and successfully caging the greater demon of the two. Doing as Bella had ordered I realized that Bella had changed into something more comfortable and flimsy for sleep. "Right," Bella said self-consciously as I stared at her and made to turn off the lights. I rummaged a hand through my hair as Bella found her way in the darkness to where her bed was. Once in bed, she patted the empty space next to her invitingly. "Lay with me?"_

_Taking a breath, as if readying for battle, I went over to lie next to her. It was going to be a very long night. I just hoped she would survive it, at least until morning came._

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_"…Jasper." _It was like the crackle of a dying ember as it hissed and then its flare was gone, its fume carried in a pleasant breeze that tangled the tresses with harmless playfulness. A submerge of darkness that follows. The hollow sound of silence that suffocates, except for the sound of a twig snapping somewhere in the distance. –My knife is out, could it be someone trying to ambush us…? The thought dies as a white rabbit scampers by, scared out of its wits by its own actions– It was a whisper between a whimper so weakened that it barely managed to rustle the fallen golden browning leafs. Seduction, between shadow and light a surrealism that belonged at the heart of the blazing fire's hearth; as I observe the pleasant exchange, eyes unseeing, of lovers merging and then, once together, being no more than a memory within my eye's berth. I breathe and watch my breath cloud before me in small dissipating wisps of vapor that swirl and vanish as the velvet night steals it and the following breathe away. I shiver, warming my hands as I breath into them, and hugging myself as I try to rub away the cold piercing wind with the warmth of my hands.

_"…Jasper…"_

I tens, my muscles tightening in quick ripples throughout the length of my back, head between my hands, as I remain unmoving from the half crouch I currently came to favor. I continued to observe the fire's intricate taunting dance, its twirl and sway successfully engaging the shadows with its playfulness, afraid to acknowledge. _It is only the wind_, I tell myself, unable to believe that I am hearing anything _but_ the wind catching the crackle of our only source of light in this oppressing night, still, the shadows continue to chase after the dancing flames relentless. I admire their stubbornness. Though, in the end, they come to some sort of accord. Together, but apart, at peace yet, still, somehow at war with each other; a vicious cycle that has always been and will be. _Lovers_, I conclude. That is the nature for which they live up to –Shadow and Light, forever trapped in an endless seduction, unable to satiate their smoldering libido.

_"Jasper…" _

Startled, I find myself moving, moving toward the source of the voice as if moth to a fire. Its echo sounded too urgent to ignore any longer, thus, I could not have imagined it. Or could have I? My vision blurred with purpose, my limbs grateful for an excuse to move, focused on a small bundle not too far from where I had been crouching –guarding against nightmares by chasing them away within embers, wishing they could be consumed within the heat of passionate tongues of inferno. In fact, all I had to do was turn on to my right and fall on my knees and I was there.

I closed my eyes and swallowed with difficulty, breathing unsteadily as if trading water –it was as if the effort had chased every wisp of air from my lungs, and I knelt there struggling to inhale, to exhale, to do anything. Trying to remember how to breathe, totally stunned as my name bounced around the inside of my cranium, reverberating.

Summoning for some grasp of a long forgotten strength I force myself to look at the shriveled girl tangled within my muddied olive coat which is too big for her, but large enough to keep her save from the clutches of the night's clawing, cutting cold.

My eyes met with familiar innocent grey eyes; that at some point during our journey together had turned from a terrified and frenzied look, to an undeniably trusting gaze. Eyes that trusted _me_ without question, no doubt existing in the berth of their beholder. The idea still unsettled me; I did not deserve her trust. I took in the rest of her in the scarcity of the provided light, her face looked pale, paler than usual, her cheeks hallow, and her parting lips, as they said my name again, were cracked from the unforgiving cold.

"_Hey," _I whispered hoarsely, my voice sounding raw from lack of use, _"you finally learned my name?"_ Looking closer, I cursed. My girl was trembling with cold under the cover of my heavy coat, her forehead beaded with a troubling cold sweat, and she was looking paler than usual, much too pale. Still, she nodded, looking slightly bashful and gifting me with a heart-wrenching smile –beautiful, just like the different other smiles I had become familiar with. I had not noticed, until this moment, how much I had missed her smiles these past couple of weeks.

"…Jasper," she repeated, her breath coming out in small, short puffs, the sound of her voice small and weak, yet, somehow sounding that much stronger. I leaned in closer to her, wanting to let her know that I was here for her. That if I could, I would stop the wind from blowing just to make her more comfortable, or as comfortable as she could be under our current circumstances. My eyes stung with the thought. For now, all I _could _do was divert the wind from directly blowing at her with my body. Being small was in her favor when it came to things like this.

"_How are you feeling?" _I questioned, feeling her burning forehead as I brushed her hair behind her small ears. I almost flinched upon touch. _"Are you hungry…? I could…" _I trailed off. However, my girl just stared at me and placed her own little hand over my own, leaning into my touch, closing her elongated eyes, her shivering momentarily ceasing. With something like resignation shining in her eyes, my girl touched her other hand to my face as another tremor ran through her fragile body.

My being ached with her pain and at how powerless I felt as I saw her suffering wrecking her body before my very eyes, my inability to do anything about it doing the most damage. She started coughing and whizzing, and still her hand remained lightly connecting the two of us, as if only our touching limbs kept her from crumbling under the wreckage of her coughs. One of her hands opted to fisting my shirt into a wrinkled bunch as her coughing lessened and she drew me close to her, placing my ear at her lips. I felt a small, sad smile curved my girl's ruddy lips before she whispered at my ear, _"Cais." _

Confusion rummaged through my head as I tried to make any sense of her words, it was not until she repeated it for a second time with such urgency, staring pleadingly at my eyes that I realized what my girl meant. _"Your name…"_ it was not a question, still, Cais nodded lazily.

Relief coated Cais' words as she whispered, _"Jasper." _Twin glistening trails of saltiness escaped the corners of her eyes as Cais struggled with her breath and she stared past me, into the darkness behind me. A knowing smile ghosted her lips and when she smiled, I could see the tall-tell tale of blood coating her teeth.

My own eyes pooled with unshed tears as I uttered her name over and over again, _"Cais… Cais…" _I felt my own tears fall and slid, joining Cais', merging with hers just at the corner of her eye. I thumbed away at a corner of her mouth where blood had started to show.

Cais swallowed the metallic remaining substance and looked at me then, a small content smile tugging at her small lips and spoke clearer than I had yet to hear, _"…Brother…" _My heart did an unfamiliar jolt and then raced on ahead to join Cais' quick shallow breaths. I did not want to be reminded of everything I had left behind when I was still so far from reaching home. I stared at Cais, panic momentarily overtook me as I saw a shadow slip across my girl, swallowing her with a feather's touch with each decreasing breath. As Her breathing slowed, I repeated Cais' name over and over again, with each breath her own life was beginning to leave her. At last, her years escaped within a soft sigh that was carried in the wing of death's refuge. I stared at Cais. Her eyes, now lifeless, kept looking at me and they held a secret smile. My breath kept fanning her face in white puffs that faded into the night. Though, I kept breathing, I was still _alive _I felt _dead._

My vision darkened and I choked back a sob. Her hand slipped away from my cheek and hit the cool grass underneath her as Cais thrashed one last time and went still. Her face looked peaceful but I was broken. My hands trembled as I reached out and closed Cais' eyes. I wanted to pretend a little longer, make it seem as though she was just sleeping. She looked so peaceful… I gathered her lifeless body in my arms and felt the loss of her essence.

Just when I had thought I was finally getting to truly know my girl, she slipped right through my fingers to a place where I could not follow. My face blanched. I fisted her hair in my hands as I held her to me and sobbed. Sobbed loudly into the night as I rocked back and forth with my sister's body, willing her to come back to live. Only, she would not.

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"Jasper?"

I started, suddenly coming back to present time as I forlornly put away thoughts of my human past. My eyes caught my darkened and forlorn expression in the reflection of the window as I stared at my one eye not cast into shadows. They would turn from gold to black soon, if I did not feed. Casting away those thoughts, too, I turned away from Bella's window where I had been standing and remembering, to meet Bella.

Her eyes were on mine as soon as I had turned, imploring answers I could not give. I tried to look away from her gaze but found myself drawn to it, like recently. I seem unable to hide from her, though she is merely a human. It might be her broken state that has this effect on me. Or it might be the fact that I feel responsible for all of it, though she negates my asking for forgiveness every time I even hint at the prospect. Really, there is no winning against this stubborn human.

I sigh. Just like I do every time I find myself by this very window waiting for Bella to arrive from her school day, I find myself looking forward to this moment. I never really noted time before, with being eternal and wall, but now that my days revolve around waiting on a human I tend to notice how slowly time passes. I almost feel human again, _almost_, not quite there. My days are spent in restless wait and at desperate times, like today, I cannot help but venture into my own thoughts to pass the time. At times, I find myself thinking of my family, of Alice and then I wonder why I have yet to hear from her. Had Edward, maybe, asked her not to contact me? I try to shake the thought away, for it is a dangerous thought at that.

_Edward, my brother, have you forsaken me?_ It has been a month to the date since Edward had left Bella and since then, I have been rather proud with myself, surprised even. Not to brag or anything like that, I never do as such, mind you. I am a gentleman, after all.

You see, Bella had thankfully survived that first night; somehow I had managed not to kill her. Do not get me wrong; I had come very close to killing her, several times, in fact. Too many times _way _too close. Anyway, I had thought that after surviving the first night the other ones to come would somehow be more bearable, easier. And man, had I been wrong. It seemed the longer I stayed around Bella the harder it became not to want to kill her.

I wanted her blood _bad. _I wanted to see her limp body in my arms, taste her succulent blood flowing over my tongue like liquid velvet made of gold, _needed–_

I cleared my throat, downing the gathering venom. "Welcome home, Bella," I greeted; trying to escape the dark turn my thoughts had taken. Bella stared at me with the same vacant expression of what I came to call '_auto pilot_', an unemotional mask of numbness. While inside Bella was dying, still mourning her loss, here but not quite. This state of hers frustrated me to the point that I wanted to shake her to try and see if the roughness might summon some sort of emotion out of her. I could feel all of her pain and suffering and it gnawed at my insides to see her like this and wanting to help and not being able to because Bella would not allow it. In fact, it seemed, at times, that my power had no effect at all over Isabella.

"You're still here," Bella noted, surprise quoting her words, though, her expression never changed. Her numbness was ever present, still. I frowned as I try to reach with my empathy even though I knew it would have as much effect as it had had the day before; none. I gave up, like I always did these days, deciding to just be. She would not welcome it anyway, so why bother.

I shrugged. "I'm here. I want to be here, I want to… help." I frowned, a gesture that Bella could easily miss, and did, feeling slightly awkward.

Bella nodded and walked toward me, momentarily hesitating before stepping into my personal space and attaching herself to me. I think the hesitation was meant for my sake, in case I wanted to run before my lust got the better of me. However, I had stopped breathing the moment she had entered the house, therefore it was relatively _safe. _I remained motionless for a moment as Bella hugged me to her, burying herself deep onto my neck. I wanted to run. I wanted to stay. I wanted to break her and have her. I needed to know that she needed me. _I _needed her, needed her to tell me that even though I am a monster I can still be trusted to do something like comfort, given my power. I wrapped my arms around her, resting my chin atop of her head.

I closed my eyes and listened to Bella's heartbeat, its strong lullaby distracting me. "How was school?" I inquired, before I am drawn by the vision in red of the drums and their enticing lullaby.

Bella shrugged, like she always did, without elaborating further into it. "I should do my homework," she announced, predictably, and detaching herself from me wrapped her arms across her body as a shiver ran through her. I allowed myself a small breath of relief. Bella was still before me, alive and unscathed.

I nodded slowly, watching as she gathered her schoolwork from her bag and settled herself at her desk. "I should go hunting, while you finish up then, " I announced. Bella stiffened. She turned to look at me, a flood of emotions swarming my way. Her eyes wide and fearful as if she knew the inevitable had finally come. "You know I'll be back, Bella. I just need to feed myself, or else…" I soothed, letting the words die, glad for the sudden bombardment of emotions. At least she had felt something other than numbness.

"I… you won't be long?"

"I'll be back as soon as I get my fill," I promised, staring into her eyes, my feelings expressing sincerity and honesty in an attempt to calm her panic. I moved over to Bella and knelt at her feet, tucking away a few tresses that had come loose from their place behind Bella's ear due to my motion. "I promise."

Bella blushed furiously and I took a precautionary step backward, earning a small gasp of surprise from Bella, and managed a tight smile. "Sorry," she muttered, avoiding my eyes. "I can never help it," she added, sheepishly pointing at her ruddy cheeks. Successfully gaining my full attention as I observed the sudden twin pools of blood just bellow the surface, inviting me in. I groaned. The girl was literally suicidal!

"Bella," I began, my voice taking on that deceiving tone, the one meant to fool prey, to bring in the game. One small sample… just a taste… that is all I need… "Bella," I repeated, my most charming smile playing at my lips.

Bella sat there, looking solely at me, her attention charmed on to me. I was drawing nearer, stalking my game. The sight of my prey so trusting, not even trembling at the sight of its devourer serving as invitation enough, I stalked forth. My cold fingertips lightly touched the nape of Bella's neck and I felt her shiver under the deliberate touch, I drew my fingers dedicatedly into her hair, tangling them as I tugged back gently… revealing her neck…

My tongue moistened my lips, as I discreetly tasted the air, heavy with her scent and inhaled, letting Bella's scent inundate my senses, as my eyes grew heavy with lust, my voice dripping aphrodisiacs. I needed, I wanted. Bella. My eyes flew open as Bella licked her own lips making them redder as they pulsated under the small bite she was working at it. I groaned, that small friction was driving my senses mad.

A taste… I drew near. "Bella," I breathed at her ear, my nose just caressing the line of jaw closest to the ear. Bella let out a shaky breath as I opened my mouth…

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_**A/N: Hate to do it, but that's it. Hope you enjoyed it. Review! They come in handy, maybe earlier than expected update in their wake. Again, thank you for reading!**_


	12. November

NOVEMBER'S

VOID


	13. December

DECEMBER'S

SURRENDER


	14. January Awakens

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch14: January Awakens**_

Thought had ceased to exist. Innovative thoughts no more within withered grasps, deluded. I was, perhaps, waiting for the new moon to waken and illuminate, elucidate my clouded mind even. Waiting for it to scatter the oppressing abyss that had overtaken my senses with weighted guilt and remorse. I could not handle any more the reliving of that one moment, on constant replay.

All I wanted, all I needed was peace of mind. All I _need._

The conniving demon did not take to being kind, not once. He constantly mocked me. Called me weak, delusional. I needed to find an escape, a quick getaway …an exit that would take me far away from my dark thoughts.

Exit.

Instead, I was trapped in a black, circular room surrounded by equally oxidant doors without handles, in other words, without means of escape. I was trapped. Caged.

Panic.

Shortness of breath threatened to break the minimal amount of levelheadedness and lucidity I possessed. I tried to remind my brain that it did not need oxygen to overcome this, but all my words fell on deaf ears. My throat was parched and searing, my chest was beginning to burn, I was remembering.

I always did, no matter how far away from the memory I stirred my numbed thoughts. It had become a vicious circle, I was meant to remember my most shameful moment over and over without leniency.

The full blow of the memory hit me like a train wreck soon after colliding against a reinforced brick wall…

A silent moan escaped my parted lips, as I drew Bella closer, her warm body flushed against mine. My fingers were imprisoned in a web of Bella's dark tresses, possessively. My breath fleeted with a seductive caress over Bella's warm ear. Bella _quivered._ A half smile upturned a corner of my lips as they made contact with Bella's tender skin, the thought of her quiver igniting something anew. She was caged in the embrace of my left arm surrounding her delicate waist, restricting.

Bella whimpered. I felt her lips tremble as she tried to get away. I considered the sudden urge to look into her eyes and see the fear there, I resisted. Instead, coaxing coats of reassurance washed over her every limb. Her blood quickened as if under the abrupt awareness of uncontrolled libido.

I whispered, "Really, Isabella, you shouldn't temp me like this." Her short insignificant life flashed behind my eyelids, burning in my corneas, staining my vision red. Blood. What I needed and wanted.

For a moment we remained suspended as I ignored the warning and Bella's heart fluttered like a little hummingbird trying to remain in flight, determined to obtain its extract of nectar. So was I. I wanted to hear more of that orchestra. I breathed in deeper. I wanted to instigate the orchestra's monumental descent, needed to swallow its life source. I could taste it, vibrating in the very air and space we occupied, tormenting.

I took a fistful of Bella's hair and brought it close to my nose, inhaling its delicate freesia scent and looking straight into her eyes. I cannot explain what I saw in them, all I know is that that one look was enough to stop me in my tracks and completely immobilize the arrogant demon that wanted her alluring blood.

I was caught between a struggle for desire and…

I could not think clearly, she still possessed all of my awareness within her pools of brown.

Bella made a sound that might have been speech deep within her throat but only sounded like static to my ears. Her hand suddenly reached out, quickly, a blur, too fast for my clogged process of troubled thoughts. I reacted before I could understand what I was doing.

_Crack_. A strangled cry followed the crunching sound.

I was fleeing. Bella was shouting my name, the sound haunting a lingering echo inside my ears. I did not dear look back. I could taste the salt of her tears in the air as my fleeting feet took me further from her, far from Forks. Permanently, for her own good.

I knew I should not have stayed. What had I been thinking? There was no way I could protect Bella, much less a human girl, when her biggest threat was the one doing the look out.

My phone vibrated in my jean-clad pocket.

"Jasper," Alice's voice greeted me. She knew. I stopped running. I could confess my demise and Alice's patience and compassionate understanding would calm me, like always.

"Alice," I replied, though it sounded more like an aggravated growl.

Silence. I had taken her aback, I was certain. I had not called in a month. No contact in a month usually meant that I would be over myself to hear a word from my mate. Only, I was not.

"I hadn't heard from you," she managed, tentatively, "it's already been a full month…"

"I think you would have come by now if I had been in the process if slaughtering someone and stop me," I laughed dryly, scoffing.

Alice ignored this. I could almost see her eyes on me, trying to remain eerily emotionless. "And then, well, in my vision, you were running as if Aro himself was hunting you down."

"Well, look at that, your vision is right once again, Alice." I tried for a caress in her name but I did not manage, my anger overpowered it.

"Jas–" I hung up, feeling inexplicably disgusted. I began to run again, Alaska the eminent destination in mind.

Just as abruptly as the memory had begun it ended. Alice's touch had brought me out of it. I was grateful.

"Alice, I need–" I began, but she hushed me, placing two fingers delicately over my mouth.

She nodded. "She needs you. Go to her." There was a conflict behind my lover's eye that I could not place, a strain in her voice also. I nodded stiffly, relieved that I did not need explain the urgency with which I still felt Bella's pain still lingering somewhere hidden deep inside me.

My hand closed over hers as I placed a kiss to her fingers, a question burning in my eyes. Only she shut me out, closing her eyes with a small shake of her head, she would not answer. The feel of her emotion gave a hint as to what might be bothering her and even that was a complete complexity, betrayal seemed like an out of place emotion for her to be feeling.

Without delay, I rushed to the door, catching myself at the threshold I looked back over my shoulder at Alice and beckoned to her. "Don't I get a goodbye kiss?" I questioned with a lazy, halfhearted smile.

After a moment Alice obliged, her usual saunter absent. "Of course, my love." I tried to convey the promise of my return as our lips brushed against each other's for the briefest fraction of moments.

"Tell Esme not to worry… and Carlisle that I'm still sorry."

"I will, " she promised, nodding. I turned to leave but stopped, sensing that Alice had more to say. "And Jasper," she hesitated, avoiding my eyes, "sometimes, I don't see her. It's like she's… _gone._"

My blood would have ran cold if any had been running through my veins, instead, my body became rigid. I did not know how to handle the news, what to question. I opted for silence, nodding stiffly in thanks, and departed.

I was running again, with true purpose this time, toward the root of my demon's awakening.


	15. Forgiveness

_**N/A: **__No, still not owning it. Sorry for the long wait, though._

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_**Previously: **_

"_And Jasper," she hesitated, avoiding my eyes, "sometimes, I don't see her. It's like she's… gone." _

_My blood would have ran cold if any had been running through my veins, instead, my body became rigid. I did not know how to handle the news, what to question. I opted for silence, nodding stiffly in thanks, and departed._

_I was running again, with true purpose this time, toward the root of my demon's awakening._

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**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch15: Forgiveness**_

I was standing at the thresholds. Bordering on insanity; on a standstill that had me in two places at once. The promise of forgetfulness behind me –if with some regrets, blissful– and on the other lays the unfathomable unknown –_Forks. _

Call me a _Drama King _but at this moment, as I stand in the middle of the road trying to convince myself to overstep onto Lauridsen Boulevard and continue past the "_Welcome to Forks_" sign, I felt as if I was in strenuous, paralyzing pain that kept a much too suffocating grip on me. My thoughts were so muddled with confusion, agonizingly quarreling and fighting against each new excuse that would surface, making any sort of rational thinking impossible. It was as if my immortality was badgering the remembrance of some trace of my humanity that I had, as of recent, gained more access to. It was eating me venomously from the inside out, ironically.

Back in Alaska, when I couldn't be found brooding over how abruptly I had left Bella after promising I would be there for her and almost killing her again, I could be found perched, somewhere hidden, observing every diminutive mannerism that kept humans in a constant chain of motion. I would sit there, absorbing it all in while simultaneously finding myself trying to imitate their movements without looking too mechanical or stony. It was difficult to say the least but somehow I had convinced myself that through doing this I could achieve some manner of mental equilibrium, an upper hand on _something _tangible once and for all.

When everything else in my existence seemed to shatter out of my control, I needed to try keeping a stubborn hold on at least _one_ thing I knew would gain me some semblance of stoic superiority.

I felt like the weakest link, once again. To this, Alice said nothing. Her emotions spoke volumes.

All I had to do was force my body to remember all those natural quirks it used to go through when I had still been human, and quick. Somehow, through careful observation I would achieve my deadpan goal. It had to work. It just _had _to, I kept telling myself.

I couldn't possibly understand it all but I managed to keep grounded by bussing myself with this task every chance I got. Alice seemed to think that my newfound hobby was "cute" and had condoned it, saying that maybe keeping at it would help me regain some control over the demon we constantly tried to keep at bay.

Truly, what really mattered was that I had given myself something to distract me from the ongoing slaughter of my constantly tormented mind and so I welcomed it as I would a very old friend. It did not make much sense when I tried putting it into words, but it made sense to me. Every day I would see something that someone did differently like, if they got nervous they would scratch the back of their heads and look anywhere but at the person in front of them with a faltering smile in place of a grimace or they would shuffle their feet profusely on spot. I traded through the motions like warm succulent blood.

It was hard work; sometimes I couldn't help but let my mind wander into gruesome scenarios that ended up in thirst quenching bloody messes. Every time I would run away with the belittled part of my brain that managed some semblance of rationality and understood to some level that giving in to that sweet animalistic instinct would be undeniably wrong. So far, I had prevailed, coming close to just one casualty. I was somewhat proud of my accomplishment and yet, my dormant demon was not the least bit impressed. It mocked it as if bidding its time, conniving its grand breakthrough.

Even so, like walking through fire with the world's most flammable skin and catching on flames –so inevitable, really– my mind would wonder to thoughts of Isabella and I would remember her wails calling my name, resonating through my consciousness and invading my keen senses. An agonizing mantra that followed me no matter how far I fleeted from the shameful memory.

As I'd observed it seemed that more often than not I could not keep my mind from wondering back into the memories I kept stashed away from my days as a human, the longing that came with it was unbearable. Still, I observed. Humans were a constant nervous wreck –just like I was at this very moment.

Standing in the middle of the 101, unnaturally trembling from head to toe, trying to convince myself to move across that invisible brick wall that kept trying to tempt me into just giving up and turning my back on the unknown and to continue dwelling in the familiar bitterness of my day to day damned existence.

"Come on, Jasper, you can do this. All you have to do is continue to wallow in your own self pity," I told my self, flinching at the sound of my croaking voice.

The pity did it, I hated being pitied, and, also, there was a car not too far behind coming my way. I wouldn't want to cause an accident now, would I? As tempting as it was, I swallowed the lump of venom in my throat and ran forth, breaking through my made up barrier and avoiding what should have been, under normal circumstances, an inevitable collision. But, hey, what can I say? I loved the thrill of getting out of dangerous situations just in the nick of time. I laugh obscurely at the sight, feel, and taste of fear plastered on the face of the man behind the wheel, then, confusion pouring off the man's every pore as he questions his sanity looking around frantically for the body he was sure he'd hit, heart beating frenetically delicious, and blinking more than it would be deemed healthy. Truly, it is comical!

Glancing behind once more, only to see the nervous wreck of a man get out of his seat trembling as he did so, to inspect the underside of his car. Expecting to find someone under it and finding no one made the poor drunken-stunned bastard sway with relief and disbelief. A sardonic smile twisted my lips as I chanced a last glance at the offending sign that mocked my welcome back into Forks; it made it all feel like a dare. I wanted to tear the condescending thing apart, but doubted that the poor drunken bastard would tolerate any more unexplained abnormalities without crumbling in a heap of nerves and needing another shower. I smirked at the thought and faltered hesitantly before swallowing my pride before leaving it and the petrified mad man behind me.

I wish I could say it felt liberating or right, but, honestly, running back to Bella without knowing what I would be confronting was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced without anyone around to muddle and burry my own naked and forthcoming onslaught of emotions.

Compared to when I had fled the scene, feeling like I could not have escaped fast enough, I felt that my come back had been much too quick. And trust me, I had prolonged. I had still ran too fast for the human eye to see me as more than a sudden cleansing breeze, but much too sluggishly for it to be the gait of a vampire with an undermined purpose.

I was finding it hard to breathe; I had arrived much too soon.

I was standing under the tree that obscured Bella's window, looking up, and petrified with too much fear to do much more than to look from afar with crippling longing…. Holding on to the tree for support I managed to quiet my breathing, enough to realize that my hold on the tree was the only thing holding me to that spot. Otherwise, despite my obvious qualms, I would have already been up there, by her warm side, begging for forgiveness I knew I could not deserve, much less ask for.

I breathed in, trying to level my head for clear thinking when I noticed it. The distinct disturbance in the scent that normally permeated Bella's home assaulted my nostrils. Bringing to my attention that someone had been sniffing around and not too long ago. A small, guttural growl that I barely managed to contain reverberated deep in my throat. I needed to exterminate the threat and _quick_, I thought. Next, I realized that Bella was nowhere within the confinements of her home, panic began its tenacious assault on my persona, imagining every possible scenario that ended in a not so happy not.

"Bella…" I whispered shakily. I needed to find her, before someone else did. I inhaled deeply, separating the different scents and focusing on Bella's and my mouth filled with venom and my mind became that of the animalistic hunter. I was moving. Prey in mind, my sense of smell guiding me, I moved like a panther from hell and followed the newest trail, nostrils flaring.

The scent smelled _warm_. It was near. _Tsk, tsk, tsk… _I chuckled. My prey was so careless… tumbling all over the place without care for preservation, it seemed. I breathed in, deeper this time. I could smell it, _blood_. It was but a foretaste of it, but it was there, teasing and enticing my thirst with such antagonizing tell-tail promises. Another deliberate step took my hunt astray as another scent invaded my senses and making me shudder as it broke through my repertoire with its burning intensity.

_Wolves_, I gagged suddenly breaking through the trance that had blindly taken me into a hunt that I did not want to follow through. Shame tore through me. Could I really not control myself? I punctuated my irritation by hitting the nearest tree and making it lean too far out, some of its roots coming into view. I grimaced; everything around me was alive once more, unlike Alaska, where everything was frozen. Here, I felt too much. Above all, I felt the raw shame that coursed through my body unfiltered.

The snapping of a branch behind me had me moving again before I realized that it was merely a scurrying animal that had identified me as threat and had decided to flee for its life, only it did not succeed, not when I was around. It was the unspoken rule between prey and predator.

I was on the move again, now for different reasons and with the resolve to stop being a coward I decided to stop running from Isabella all together and finally face her. This time, when I looked at her window, I noticed that she was home –maybe she had been all along, but I had not had the strength or the resolve to face her. I breathed in, trying to inhale some courage in the process, and intruded Bella's home once more. Praying that she had it in her to forgive me once again.

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**_A/N: Read and Review... please?_**


	16. Knock on Her Window, Knock on Her Door

_**N/A: **__The same disclaimer still applies._

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_**Previously: **_

_I was on the move again, now for different reasons and with the resolve to stop being a coward I decided to stop running from Isabella all together and finally face her. This time, when I looked at her window, I noticed that she was home –maybe she had been all along, but I had not had the strength or the resolve to face her. I breathed in, trying to inhale some courage in the process and intruded Bella's home once more. Praying that she had it in her to forgive me once again._

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**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch16: Knock on Her Window, Knock on Her Door**_

_I waited for you,_

_But you did not show._

_I needed you._

_So where did you go?_

_You told me to wait,_

_Said you would be here._

_And though I have not seen you,_

_Are you still here?_

_I cry out with no reply_

_And I cannot feel you by my side._

_So I will hold tight to what I know,_

_You are _Gone.

Fist raised, just about to knock on Bella's door I hesitated once again, feeling nervous. It was practically laughable. _Me, nervous! _It was such a new, foreign, and unnatural feeling to me that I really did not know how to proceed. Yet, I was considering so many things: What was I to say to her once I faced her? Would she even listen to my excuses? How would she feel upon seeing me here, back at her door once again? It was all terrifying thoughts, facing the damage I might have left behind. I wanted to know and I did not want to know, the constant war. It was never ending!

A thought occurred to me and I chuckled low enough that Bella would not be alerted to my presence yet. Why had I not thought of doing this earlier? All I need to do was reach out, feel what she was feeling and hope that my actions, my abandonment, had not left her more broken than when I had come to her with promises that I could not hold my end to. My brow furrowed slightly as I reached out. The onslaught of emotions that I had been preparing for never came. I was perplexed, worried even.

All I was getting form Bella was an _aching_ numbness, its likeness matched no other I had ever known or encountered in my lifetime. There was so much agony and despair in that numbness that I felt as if it was clawing and gnawing at my insides. It was the kind of agony people that suddenly found themselves without a voice would experience after trying to be heard and realizing that no matter how much they tried to scream no sound would come out –they would never be heard, so they would give up all together. This feeling, it was like being in a dark room completely cut off from your senses, disorienting.

How was it that someone so _warm _could feel such a cold emotion? Despite it all, I could feel and taste her sweet smelling warmth emanating from behind her practically closed-door surround me and melt away with its embrace at my cold exterior. I noticed other things too, Bella was moving just behind this door, which, now that I realized, was slightly ajar with a soft glow poring through it onto the hallway and pooling at my feet.

Without much thought as to what I was doing, I chanced a look through the small gap and my eyes immediately found Bella. She was standing with one naked foot on the floor and the other propped on her bed routinely applying some saccharine scented lotion evenly on her shaven legs, all the while wrapped in a powder-blue towel and her damp hair cascading around her shoulders dripping slightly and causing her to shudder occasionally as some of the escaping droplets disappeared into her towel with seemingly dawdling caresses.

With difficulty, I swallowed hard and took one step away from her door and turned away, like a gentleman should, giving her time to fully dress. I tried treading on _gentlemanly _thoughts as I paced seemingly on spot and avoided being seen by Bella through the door's gap. Being a gentleman had never been more difficult, my thoughts kept going back to what I had just witnessed in such _vivid_ detail and so continuously that I had started to notice several things that now seemed out of place in that... _gulp_… thought provoking scene.

Her vacant expression being one of the many things that had felt wrong, to begin with, that I had unknowingly turned a blind eye to in this uncanny predicament I currently found myself in. Bella was numb and vacant, devoid of any emotion whatsoever. All that was left was a searing void, one that I might have helped intensify.

Suddenly, like shredded paper trying to hold back a damp, I felt Bella's walls of numbness fall and her onslaught of emotions hit me with such force that it was surprising I was still standing on my own two feet. I quickly glanced at her; she had her arms crossed around her torso as if she were willing herself to stay glued together and not succeeding. It was like trying relentlessly to glue something together with water, it would hold until it dried and fell apart instantly, futile.

Then I caught the salted taste of her tears tracking a path down her smooth skin and onto her marred and bruised arm as she hasten to cast them and her deterioration away, feeling ashamed of her self and yet, somehow, still not caring or lacking the want to care.

She had completely given up. Letting her sadness engulf me, I realized that she had become a walking, breathing, and speaking presence that would always remain being such, a presence of pretense, going through the motions, with no room to filter all of the things that constantly shifted and changed around her. What a poignant perplexity. Unless I got moving and did something drastic and altering about it, which I would, even if it was for selfish reasons, say, self-satisfaction.

It was the least I could do, I reasoned, and my purpose turned to resolve. I would fight Bella to win her a chance at reopening her eyes to the world around her. True, it would be a world devoid of many things she once new and loved, but a new awareness nonetheless. She just could not continue to stagger on through her life like this, not if I could help it. Her existence was so fleeting after all…

Again, surprisingly so, it occurred to me that this might as well had been one of the hardest things I have ever faced. I contemplated that, probably, going into the battle field might have required less pondering and warring over which path of action to take. How ironic.

I took a purposeful step toward her door, took a deep breath, held it, and swallowed through cotton –okay, not _cotton_ it just felt that way. Were could I have found the cotton anyway, and more curiously so, why would I _swallow_ it? Really… okay, so I'm stalling I get it, I'm moving on now… okay, _NOW_.

As quickly as I could I mentally and emotionally prepared myself –and reassured myself that she _was_,in fact, fully clothed– before a quick wrap of my knuckles resonated on Bella's door. It echoed so loudly in my ears that I flinched. Bella froze for a moment on the other side before setting herself into motion.

As soon as the door flew open to a Bella with such a ready smile and Charlie's name so readily on her lips, I regretted the shock or disappointment that she would encounter once she realized it was I. And that was the musing of best case scenarios, let me tell you.

"Char– Dad I thought– " I swallowed again as Bella's words fell short on her lips as she looked at me and realized that, well, lets face it, I was not Charlie. I was contemplating just closing my eyes and waiting for the screaming and onslaught of emotions to make a decent vampire out of me or break me, _truly_ tempting. Only I have never been known to be a coward and, lets face it, silence was the only thing deafening me at the moment. I stared directly into Bella's enormous eyes as she blinked in quick succession. She frowned, I continued to stare, only now I tried for a timid smile that felt more like a guilty grimace and just as I was about to say something realization, followed quickly by shock, disbelief, out rage –I cringed at that one–, and confusion sprinkled with some fragile hope seemed to dawn on her much too quickly and then, shaking visibly, she slammed her bedroom door in my face. I blinked, trying to process what had happened. Words failed me.

I was… taken aback. Shocked. My fist clenched and unclenched as a tremor passed through me. For a moment I was at a loss, not knowing what to do or how to approach her best. I did not want to scare her. Shaking my head and trying not too think too much into this unavoidable setback I focused on Bella, behind her door she was on the move.

She was backtracking, stumbling clumsily as she tried on unsteady feet to run away from me in such confined space. I almost chuckled at the erratic sound of her heart pumping its maddening hypnotizing allure, thinking darkly how this was the most inappropriate time for her to act like prey and trigger the predator in me. With much effort I pushed instinct to the back of my mind were it continued to nag and went for the doorknob and turned it, the door opened soundlessly.

My eyes made quick work of assessing the scene and found Bella nowhere in sight. Her discarded damp towel from earlier remained on the floor, near the foot of her bed, was the only thing that was out of place in Bella's otherwise orderly room. Inhaling I moved forward as I followed her scent, my head quickly turning to the sound of Bella's heart, still pounding healthily –if missing a few beats– to my immediate right just beyond her closed closet door. I moved closet to her hiding place and I could feel her tremble travel from head to toe as she whimpered like a wounded animal, shuffling in place. I sent passive, unthreatening waves her way, trying to soothe her nerves.

"Stop, don't–" she croaked, begged. The sound of her voice stopped me on my tracks, it sounded like she had not used her voice in a while. I ignored her plead and opened the fragile closet door careful not to startle her and there I found her, on the floor, hugging her knees desperately to her chest with one hand while the other, clutched at her heart. She looked like she might crumble into pieces.

I did not speak as I moved cautiously in her direction, my gaze softening, trying to show her that I did not pose her any harm whatsoever. She tried scooting away from me but there was no more room to squirm away, she had reached the corner of the wall. Noting this, in a more desperate attempt, she buried her face between her knees and covered her ears with her arms around her, letting her hair cascade about so as to cover her face completely from my view.

Now that I was before her I wondered if I would dare touch her, scoop her into my arms, and steal her away from all her pain. The only problem with that was that I was to blame for some of that pain. Defeated, knowing not what to do, I dropped to my knees before her. She did not stir, only managed to collect herself more tightly and held still, stubbornness pouring out of her in tidal waves.

"Bella," I said, quietly, even so, she flinched. It sounded like begging to my ears. I sighed. "Please." No matter what approach I tried I was unsuccessful at gaining her attention, she just remained tightly wrapped in her human shell, unrelenting. For a while I sat next to her, making sure not to touch her, my head lightly and continuously banged against the wall I had propped myself on, trying to think.

Sighing I stood up, tired of this nonsense. It was taking us nowhere! Bella stiffened and I scooped her up, dragging her by force out of her self-made shelf. For a moment she flailed around without a sound before giving up with an indignant huff. The all-present stubbornness rearing its head full force, really, it took all of me not to throw her unceremoniously onto the bed.

"Bella, you are going to listen to me, weathered you want to or not. Soon, you'll have no choice but to listen to me." I proclaimed conversationally, though thoroughly irritated. Bella, who had been avoiding looking at me no matter how many ways I tried catching her eyes before I had given up, looked at me then and glared. That was an improvement.

I felt encouraged… but now, well, she was kind of just, glaring at me. I gulped and looked away; this was way different than I had pictured our little reunion going. Not that I had expected much, but I had not expected this either. That was when I gave up, with a sigh I sank to the floor and rested my elbows on my knees, deciding to glare at the floor I began to mutter under my breath about blood and the complicated anatomy that were women –_specially _the one before me.

Several stretched out moments passed like this before a change in the atmosphere happened and suddenly Bella's fingers were buried in my blond, windswept tresses and I looked up slowly. Should I or could I hope that she would once and for all allow me to have my say? My breath caught as I looked at her, I had been expecting her to have a caved in look about her, maybe throw in some silent tears. There was none of that. She was just looking at me, really looking at me, her eyes looking through the shattered windows of my eyes trying to find the soul that might just be lingering around within reach. It was the kind of gaze that felt too intense, too accusatory.

Suddenly I felt so vulnerable that I tried looking away. However, before I could, Bella stood and thinking that she was about to leave I froze and tried to remember how to make some sound come out of my mouth and speak. Two warm fingers halted my attempts, silently hushing me, while Bella took it upon herself to deliberately place herself in the gap between my knees and held me. I was dumbstruck.

She was consoling _me_. The person I had wronged was actually hugging _me_ to her and comforting _me_. _I _should be the one doing the comforting my mind shouted at me; I did not deserve this kindness, much less hers. And yet, I could not bring myself to rip myself away from Bella as she held my rigid body to her warm one. For some time I fought it, hoping she would get the hint and give up, realizing it was a bad idea, no such luck. She held onto me until I caved and my body filled with the calm that oozed from every one of her pores enveloped me and I began to feel my defenses falling.

It did not take long before my body began shaking with silent, tearless sobs. I was perplexed as to the source of this development. Why was I crying? I tried searching through Bella's numbness and kindness into my feelings for the cause and found that these were Bella's and my own sorrows manifested. The combination of the two being too much for me to hold back any longer had leaked out in this manner.

Long after my sobs had subsided, neither of us spoke for a while and when the silence had finally been broken it had not been to the sound of my voice.

"Liar," Bella pronounced quietly, twisting my dead heart and stomping on it as she ripped my guts out for all that I was worth.

* * *

**_A/N: If you liked it, please review and I'll come through._**


	17. Porcelain Hearts

_**Previously: **_

"_Liar," Bella pronounced quietly, twisting my dead heart and stomping on it as she ripped my guts out for all that I was worth._

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch17**__**: Porcelain Hearts**_

She breathes in, I breathe out.

Broken heart

She breathes out, I breathe in.

One more time

She will bleed from insecurity

She wakes up and I lay down

She's been carrying this old luggage

Broken pieces in her hands

And it's been really bugging me

She can hardly speak

And so she screams through Dreams

Something's got to change

There's a chemical in her brain, pouring sunshine and rage

I never know what to expect

Someone said, "A broken heart will sting at first,

Then make you stronger."

So we wonder why this pain remains

I need to feel forgiveness

You need to feel resentment

Running down the drain

And mend these Porcelain hearts

When will she heal from this?

Someone mend this broken heart of mine

Pick yourself up, why even cry

She's every little thing I'm not

Were hearts made whole just to break?

She's got everything I want

This bruising chain she's carrying

Is the pain I'm buried in today

So when I went to see her she couldn't believe it

Could I really be?

I knew that I had left her crying there

Now she's holding all my words close

Till I feel her pain too

Maybe all this is my self-protection

All the hurts I thought were hidden

Are the one now hurting her

While I thought somehow this numbness could heal her

But this numbness is never ending

And it's only killing her

Do you see that I am hurt?

So who will make the pattern end?

It runs through her veins

And what I taste is bittersweet

Her words _stung_, akin to the bite of a newborn slivering through skin and sinew with the ever lingering and percolating burn of the venom in its stir. That is to say, it was worse than a slap to the face. That I would have felt and it would have left some lingering ache, but her words… these cutting words, I could not handle.

They remained in constant replay, ridiculing me in their echoing nature. The more disturbing thing about her words was that they were but a whisper that had shattered the farce of peace I had so intricately woven around us with the fierceness of a screech. And as if that were not enough, Bella felt the need to repeat her callous words, to be heard.

"Liar," she cried. The emotion in her voice went to my throat, closing it off, choking me. "You are a liar, Jasper," she choked out, her tears falling then, face contorted in so much _pain_. Pain that _I_ had caused, pain that I could not prod away.

My hand moved to where my heart should have been beating away its breaking thump. There was no beat. Disgust coated my tongue as my fingers caged themselves and dug at the area where my deaden heart was still, trying to stimulate its beat. It did not work, but my heart remained in a state of heartbreak.

"_Please_," I found myself _begging_. Begging for what? What could Bella offer me, give me? Nothing I could _possibly_ deserved, I was certain.

"_Liar!_" she whispered more cogently, harshly, her hands rising in a fistful of rage and resentfulness to collide against my chest. If I were certain that her actions would not cause her any physical pain, I would have allowed her fists to hammer my chest as much as she wanted, but that was not the case.

"_Bella, please._" The coating of her name caressing my tongue felt inadequate to my ears, forbidden.

Daring to touch her, I encased her wrists loosely, being careful of the bruised one, with my fingers as Bella's entire frame shook with the extrusion of her pain, which I had added to. With every shiver that raked her body, I saw and felt the passage of our pain meshing and clashing together until all I was left feeling was my own self-hate.

"Why?" she asked, defeated. Her forehead lowered to my chest, causing the flow of her tears to damp the coarse material of my shirt. I closed my eyes and swallowed the knot obstructing my airway. My eyes moistened under closed lids. That one question seemed to drive the stake home and through. "Why?" My eyes flew open at the sound of her inquisition, searching for her. She lifted her face, searching mine and settling on finding the answer to her question in the depths of my eyes.

Terrified of what she might find there, I looked away, too ashamed to answer. What satisfactory answer could I give her? I was a coward and it was enough if she knew it without my having to verbalize it. Curiously enough, I had never thought myself a coward. I wondered what had changed.

She sighed, wilting until her weight rested fully against me. All curves and mounds were I was straight lines and planes. Her _warmth_. I swallowed, my Adam's apple bobbed with the effort. Her warmth, like a rude awakening invaded the usual coolness that I was so accustomed to, the coolness that made me so numb that I rarely felt beyond, and made me feel much more than the accustomed numbness.

I wanted to flee, but I could not willingly eradicate myself from the confinements of her cherished warmth. It was bliss –pleasure and pain, intricately laced into one masochist package.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to her ear, meaning it and feeling like words were not enough. Once again, they were insufficient. At the same time, they were the right words. There were no other that could have been appropriate. I did not want to make excuses, so I did not. My actions in the future would have to make up for the lack of sufficient words.

Bella shook her head and my stomach dropped. "How can I be certain?" she questioned, searching my face again. I could feel the tug of war happening behind the depths of her chocolate pools.

"You can't," I answered numbly. More tears succeeded my assertion and she anchored herself to me. I cast them aside with a gentle steal of my thumbs.

"I know, but I–"

"I'm here now and I'll be here tomorrow, when you wake," I interrupted. "That I can promise you." She stared at me unblinking, assessing me. Searching to find the truth behind my words. "Also, I can promise not to make promises beyond tomorrow."

"I've missed you so much," she admitted, a watery smile upturning her lips. "I needed you." The accusation in her words was palpable and gentle, almost loving. My gut twisted and my shame escalated. I had missed her in a most intoxicating way too.

"I'm here now," I assured her. "Please, Bella, believe me."

"I do," she whispered, it was almost a gasp, as if she were surprised by her words. She was. I could not help it; I buried my face in the scent of her hair and held her close with upmost care. She held me back and I felt myself thaw into her touch, where our bodies met. She was so _warm_.

"Thank you." More inadequacy. I felt her smile against my neck, her hot lips scorching against my cool skin. I sighed, content.

Bella shook her head, "You're back." Disbelieve coated her words. There was a worrying amount of disappointment as well. I tried to ignore it, trying not to tarnish the moment. It did not matter that I had come back. I was not her Edward, the one she craved to see.

"I am." I was _not _Edward. I grimaced. Perhaps, I could not be the one she longed for, but I would be here when the one she longed for could not, would not. "For as long as you'll have me."

* * *

_**A/N: **__My__** "**__Thank you" goes to the following for their amazing reviews: __**Water**__**Child**__**1990**__, __**deltagrl**__, __**VampireInDisguise**__, __**Jazzys**__**Mistress**__, __**VampireCat3**__, and __**SAVAGEGRACEx**_

_You guys have made this chapter come up quicker than normal due to your reviews, I can't ignore you guys, after all, I'm writing it for _You. _You guys are __**AMAZING!**_

_Thank you for continuing to read and following through. Your reviews keep me writing, so please, keep on reviewing._


	18. Stay and Wake Awareness

_**Previously:**_

_Bella shook her head, "You're back." Disbelieve coated her words. There was a worrying amount of disappointment as well. I tried to ignore it, trying not to tarnish the moment. It did not matter that I had come back. I was not her Edward, the one she craved to see. _

"_I am." I was not Edward. I grimaced. Perhaps, I could not be the one she longed for, but I would be here when the one she longed for could not, would not. "For as long as you'll have me."_

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

**Ch18: ****Stay and Wake Awareness **

It was a pivotal moment, the kind that makes you or brakes you. And I sure hoped it would make me, and it would not break her. I needed to choose my words carefully, make sure that they were not a waste of saliva, much less of her time.

"As long as you continue to need me, I'll be here," I promised.

"That might take longer than you think," she seemed to warn with a whisper. Something wicked shifted and connected behind my eyes then, something close to euphoria.

"Take your sweet time, Bella," I murmured and assured her, "because you'll be sure to have me, always, at your beck and call."

"_Always…_" She whispered the word, not daring to believe, much less hope. Her emotions were in a crescendo of varying turmoil. I soothed her as best I could and she looked at me with a hint of accusation and undeniable, grudging gratitude.

"Always," I promised. She really looked at me then, straight in the eyes, and smiled, making me smile in turn. "I can promise you that much."

"Jasper," she said, a blush managing to crawl across her cheeks, "you might have just signed yourself over to me for an eternity." I could feel and smell her embarrassment; it was like a high I did not wish to come down from. I inhaled her in, my head swimming, slightly thrown back and eyes momentarily closed. _Delicious._

It was then, when everything within me had shifted with her words, coursing tantalizingly and unawares throughout my body. Until something I had not been aware of yet was taking residence in my heart, compelling its unadulterated control over it, and placing my porcelain heart in Bella's hands.

"Even if it ends up being my eternity." Now, that was the southern gentleman in me speaking. Every once in a while I had to bring him out. "I'll take on whatever you throw at me, graciously."

"Jasper–" there was an underlying desperation now, which I tasted at the tip of my tongue and savored. I could smell her sweat; hear its slow, lethargic path as it slid between her shoulder blades and lower still, catching in the fabric of her bra. Even more pronounced was the mesmeric fear that appealed to the predator in me, testing my control and making me wish I could just let go so that _it_ could take over. It would be so much easier than this, giving in, but I did not. I regressed.

"Unless you tell me I am of no use to you, Bella, I am bound to you and the promises I'll make." I needed her to understand that I was serious. I wanted her to trust me again. "Now," I looked into her doe eyes, sincerely and whispered, "Bella, say the word. Ask me to stay and I'll stay." My words sounded like begging to my ears and ignoring that gnawing little feeling, I pushed it aside for later cataloging.

Concentrating solely on Bella, I tentatively mingled my emotions with hers, until they were so intricately woven that I could not tell which feel was she, or which was mine, and probed for her answer.

"Stay." It was but a gasp, and it was all I needed to hear.

Just then, I had not known that a revival was about to take a choking hold on me. Whether I had allowed it or not, it had been set into motion by something greater than I the moment I chose to stay.

I gathered Bella in my arms, gently, and deposited her on her bed, almost reluctant.

"Tomorrow," I promised, walking to her window and opening it to leave. "I shall be here before you wake." I would be near, just outside her window, but her next words halted my attempts.

"No, please, don't leave me, stay," she said, and looking at her, I smiled tightly. She was patting the unoccupied side of her bed, looking stubborn and vulnerable with her eyes brimmed in tears. She could be so unfair sometimes.

"I don't think–" I began but was interrupted.

"I _need_ you here with me, Jasper," she choked out, a single tear cupping the side of her face to dangle at the chin, clinging with hesitation, before falling mutedly onto her lap. She was pretty good at manipulation herself. I gave her that. Still, I hesitated and she noticed. Bringing it home with more emphasis, she barely managed to whisper, "Jasper, I _need_ _you _to _stay_."

"Okay," I compromised. Once the war inside me had settled, I made to sit on her desk chair, but it was apparent that she would not have any of that.

"Lay with me," she whimpered so quietly that it felt like I could get away with pretending I had not heard the request in the first place. But of course, the frozen state of my body was a dead give away that I _had_ heard.

I gulped, petrified by the idea of being so close to her so soon. Stronger men _have_ fallen; my mind seemed to mumble, attempting to appease me with feeble humor. I really needed to do something about this monologues this girl seemed to induce me with, it could not possibly be healthy on my mental health.

"Bella, I really don't believe that'll be such a good idea," I managed reasonably. The tension built as I stared at her, imploring her to see reason with my eyes alone, oh _okay_, and a bit of _help_.

"It'll sooth me," she pressed, completely unaffected by my attempts at "persuasion". "Besides, I know you won't hurt me."

Shows what you know, I thought sardonically. Her conviction was endearing, certainly beyond stupidity and self-preservation. It was unnerving; really, it was as if she knew and could read with one glance what all my reservations were about. With a sigh, I reluctantly went to her.

"Stand," I said warily, motioning for her to stand. Curiously and slightly befuddled she stood. I took her bed covers in my hands, pulling them off the bed and understanding dawned on her. I looked at her. A delicate smile was curving her lips and glistening through her eyes. "Lay down," I whispered tenderly, while motioning a curt jerk toward her bed.

Amused, she did as she was told and I waited patiently as she found the softest spot on her bed. Once she had, she sank into it and looked to me expectantly and smiled. The corners of my mouth twitched involuntarily as I fought a laugh. Pulling the covers over her delicate frame and tucking them around her, I laid myself stoically at her side, not quite comprehending how it had come to this.

Triumph trickled placidly all the way through me and I looked to Bella in accusation, she was the obvious source of it. She shrugged all too innocently, wearing a smug smile on her lips and leaned into me as I shook my head and tried unsuccessfully not to role my eyes at her blatant display. I could not help the chuckle that escaped me.

Contentedly, Bella molded herself onto my right side and fell asleep almost instantly, leaving me warm, awake, and with too much to think about. Her nearness and scent felt overpowering to my senses. I tried not to breath, thinking it might help.

However, my breath left me in a whoosh when I felt Bella's blazing fingertips sliding across my right forearm, before taking hold of my wrist and placing my arm around her waist. There, my open palm laid flat on her naked stomach, just below the dip of her stomach, where her nightshirt had ridden up, while her small, warm hand lay atop mine. I could barely believe that through it all she remained asleep and unaffected. It was torturous.

And then, she snuggled closer and I quivered as the hand that had been innocently atop mine trailed its way under my shirt, caressing aimlessly over the hard, marred planes of my flat stomach. My body reacted to her touches like it had never been touched before.

My eyes closed, intensifying the feel of her touch as I focused on the _warm _awareness her palm and fingers fashioned ghosting over my oversensitive skin and I gladly drowned in it. Stomach twitching, shifting, and clenching, trying to escape the sweet torture, while responding and wanting so much more than these chaste touches. I greeted my teeth, feeling the scraping of her nails dragging over my skin. It was too much.

My breathing became haggard; she had never done this in her sleep before. Swallowing, I tried to see if she was truly asleep or just toying with me but her even breaths told me otherwise. She was asleep and I was the only one getting all worked up.

I needed to rein it in, but she was making it hard. So damned hard. Her skimming search settled right over my most prominent scar, just bellow the ribcage, and stilled, leaving my skin alight and incised with the inferno her fingertips had ignited.

Did her unconscious mind not know that fire was a safety hazard for vampire skin? I whimpered pathetically. If this were her revenge for before, I probably would not survive the night in this state she was working me to.

I opened my eyes and looked to her again. Head tucked under my chin with her hair dispersing all across my chest and most of her warm limps making contact with my usually cold body, warming me.

She was the picture of a sleeping beauty.

My fingers tangled in her hair, making a fist I brought it to my lips and inhaled, kissing her dark tresses before my hand, still twined in her locks, came to a rest in the spot above my stagnant heart. Closing my eyes, I attempted to feign sleep, only to go completely rigid as Bella shifted, bringing her body closer.

She was practically on top of me now, but none of this was what had left me rigid. No, it was her lips. They were the only things I was aware of because they were partially parted and pressing against my chest, just above my heart. A shuddering breath rumbled through my chest and she shifted once more, taking their impression with her.

I was relieved and this time succeeded at "sleep".

Though the night had started out virtually indecent, Bella's sleep was troubled that night; she remained in a state of waking sleep, restless. Making me painfully aware that even at her side, I did not posses the power to exorcise her demons.

* * *

[Time Lapse]

* * *

_For as long as she would have me, I __would be hers, and my damnation was hers for the take. I existed solely for her, for as long as she would have me, I would be eternally hers, if that were to be her wish. _

I could not help my thoughts the minute they formed, though they filled me with an indescribable feeling, fleeting teasingly through the back recesses of my clouding mind. It was something gut-wrenching and appealing, all in one.

Bella was currently sleeping deep in her mattress, warmed by a soft and worn-out comforter. Her sleeping form would twitch every so often with restlessness I could neither battle against nor sooth, and her mumbled words were a jumble of groggy sleepiness.

Though my back was to her I knew this, because every so often I would give in to temptation and look at her, trading the sight outside her window for the one that was she.

A smile curved my slightly frowning lips as Isabella sighed in sleep and her hand brushed aside strands of her hair from her face and exposed her neck, which curved and shifted enticingly, lovely as her face turned in my direction.

I almost looked away then, thinking I might get caught looking when I remembered that she was still deep in her restless sleep, caught in a struggle for a peaceful one. It was my turn to sigh then. Abandoning the window and the sight it provided of shifting shadows and swaying trees, I fully shifted to unabashedly gaze at her.

Her face was cast in moonlight, momentarily peaceful, and her softly undulating tresses were in disarray, framing her delicate, ivory features with the help of their stark contrast and shadows. One strand in particular captivated my attention. It ran from her right temple, across her right eyebrow, just over the bridge of her straight nose, and curved inwards, conducting its conclusion to emphasize her lips.

Her mouth was slightly parted as she breathed and all her blood seemed to gather at their succulent plumpness, coloring them in a fascinating shade of tempting cherry. A small sigh escaped Bella, moistening her lips with beads of perspiration that quickly dissipated, and she sunk even deeper into the creases of her mattress.

I swallowed with difficulty and tried to pry my eyes from Bella's sleeping form and turned to focus on her window instead, without really seeing it, when my name –yes, _my name_– caressed her lips and echoing in the silence, inundating my ears with its illicit sound.

My eyes fell heavily shut as I inhaled deeply, calming the imaginary beat of my pounding heart's thrashing, its ricochet numbing in my ears, and listened, once more, for the sound of my name to stumble out of her lips. She did not disappoint.

"Jasper…" came her whimper. Her sleep talking was driving me insane and did things to my perturbed mind that I would rather not dwell on. A shudder of satisfaction quivered throughout my body, making my breath hitch before picking up and quickening. My name on her lips was a very sweet thang, I mean, a very sweet _thing_.

I could not help it, as I heard her small throaty moan, heavy with sleep, vibrate through her throat and fill the air, the rustle of bed sheets following its wake. I turned towards her once again, body feeling like lead but ever so fluid.

_By God_, the sight that met me was the closest thing to sinful I have ever witnessed without experiencing it. It was exquisite.

Somehow, Bella's bed sheets and comforter had tangled on her legs and the sight of her exposed legs, gleaming in the iridescent glow of the moonlight filtering through the window had my attention, instantly captive.

I had never really noticed just how firm and long her legs were until now. Appraisingly, my eyes traveled the trail of her legs from the relaxed toes, ending a little over her mid-thigh, where the comforter took on its duty once again and covered her from my straying eyes. Forcing me to focus on something else.

Mesmerized, I watched with bated breath, the rise and fall of her supple breasts, heaving with her every breath, barely covered by the sheer fabric of the white camisole she had chosen to sleep in tonight. I could just make out the shadowed outline of each round mound it failed to modestly cover. Steadily, I found myself matching my breaths with hers, before my own became erratic.

I swallowed hard around the lump that had formed in my throat, causing my Adam's apple to bob convulsively. Her deep intakes of breath, peaceful and calming from sleep, were hypnotic...

With a start, I realized just how close my feet had carried me to where Isabella lay, vulnerable, without my notice.

I blinked thrice in quick sequence and tried to clear my throat to rid it of its sudden dryness.

However, I found that, more than anything, I wanted to reach out... reach out to her sleeping form and then... No, I did not want to _just_ reach out. I wanted and needed to _touch_ her. Without a second thought, I dared.

My hand extended and my fingertips hovered uncertainly for a moment before a shaky breath left me, and my fingertips made contact with Isabella's enticingly warm skin. I was _touching_ her. I barely managed to suppress the whimper that throbbed in the canal of my throat, when my fingertips _finally _skimmed and danced over the soft planes of her delicate neck, so warm to the touch.

And I almost moaned at the sight of the hairs on the back of her neck rising, _responding_ to my gentle, slight, touches, which resulted in her flesh erupting in gooseflesh, as her pores absorbed my vaporous caress.

I was fascinated by the smoothness the missing projection formed by the thyroid cartilage of the larynx, so prominent on mine, provided over the ivory skin of her neck. I wanted to _drown_ her in my _touches, _until my name was the only thing harmonizing the night with the resonance of her panting voice.

My fingertips ghosted and soared upwards, following the curve of her neck and over her chin, until my thump stroked the gossamer curve of her bottom lip, parting them faintly, and my slightly trembling hand cupped her cheek.

Just as the realization of my actions came to me, and the awareness of how cold I was in comparison, Bella shivered and _leaned_ into my touch and hummed contently.

I could not dare breathe; I would not chance this moment to be broken. And then it was. The haunting whisper of a sole name crushed everything and wrenched it from my barely holding on fingertips.

"Edward..." she sighed; her body warm, glowing with her love and longing for _him_. With a sharp intake of breath, I quickly staggered away, feeling irrationally betrayed. It was as if the tongues of a blue sweltering fire were licking, lapping, and burning at my innards with daunting travesty and uncanny precision. I swayed on my feet, the weight of this perverse betrayal overwhelming me.

Thoroughly confused, I did not understand what was happening, I was astounded by my unfiltered actions and sensations.

_What is wrong with me?_I thought, feeling angry at my current state of helplessness.

Something snapped loudly under the soles of my shoes. My head bowed quickly, taking notice of the pencil broken in half under my feet, halting my getaway and unfortunately waking Bella. My head snapped to her. With a terrible feeling I watched her bolt upright in bed, heart at her throat thrashing vigorously, while she clutched at her bed sheets.

I closed my eyes, petrified. Wishful thinking crossed my mind; this _had _to be but a dream, it just had to.

Even though it has been two months now, since coming back, every day has been a challenge and a struggle with Bella. She trusted me and had forgiven me to some degree, but there remained that obtrusive resentment that my actions never seemed to appease.

So much so that any prolonged absences in my part never failed to work her into a frantic self-destructive state. During such rare occasions, I would find myself preparing for the worse, though, thankfully, it never came to happen. I was not so sure now.

"Jas- Jasper?" She tried again, voice hoarse and frightened, her panic escalating with each passing moment my answer failed to come. Her eyes widened in the darkness, trying to adjust as her breathing quickened and her eyes darted around, trying to locate me in the thickness of night's cloak.

She knew it would be impossible for her human eyes, yet she tried. I remained still and stubborn, not willing to take flight, due to my promise, but not willing to compromise in my current state.

The saline tang of tears coated my tongue as I took an involuntary breath. My heart took a sickening plummet down to my gut; sinking lower still, until it felt like it had been stomped by my own two feet. Bella was crying and shaking with the effort it took for her not to scream through the agony racking her body with betrayal.

Once again, I had done wrong by her. Though I felt irritated and reluctant, I could not leave her like this, not after my promise.

"I'm here, Bella, I'm still here," I sighed disgruntled. "For as long as you need me, just as I promised." She turned her head in the direction of my voice and I felt her relax. Meanwhile, her body sagged heavily into her pillows, weak with the relief that inundated her at my words.

"Jasper," she gasped and my eyes closed. That should be the name, _my_ name, always on her lips, I thought inappropriately. "You're here."

"I told you I would." My words were crisp, coarse.

"I just thought…" her voice trailed off and I scented her blush coming in. I walked toward her light switch swiftly and switched it on, casting us in its eerie glow, wanting to see her blush and deciding to not give in to the temptation of trailing my fingers over it by putting some distance between us.

Her eyes squinted at the sudden glare of light and focused on me, while I focused on her face and her teasing blush. If possible, I grew even more irritated and mortifyingly perplexed.

"You thought that I had left you?" I provided.

"Yes," she answered, brutally honest.

I looked down and glared at my feet, trying to sort out what I was feeling. I could not. I was being given too many pieces to a puzzle that only needed so many to be solved and I did not appreciate it.

"Why can't you trust me more?"

"It's not that I don't trust you," she argued adamantly.

"What is it then," I mused, "you haven't forgiven me?" She shook her head, feeling immensely sadden by my inquisition.

"I've forgiven you…"

"Then," I urged, desperate for the answer, "what is it, Bella? Please, give me an answer, _any _answer!" Bella flinched as my voice rang through the room; too loud for the small space we were in. "What is it?" I asked more gently, though the urgency did not diminish. Her head bowed and her hair hid her face from view as her heart began to thrash a bruising thump, trying to escape the cage of her ribs.

"I just can't let you forget this pain…" she hushed, fingers clawing at the fabric just over her heart and her pain slammed into me, making me stagger. "The pain _you_ added to, Jasper," she cried, tears falling freely as she stared me dead in the eyes. I looked away in shame.

"I'm _sorry_," I cried, my voice so filled with emotion that it did not sound like my own. Again, she shook her head, only, vehemently this time.

"I was dealing just fine before you came!" she croaked at me. I flinched. She was slicing me open and festering my wounds the moment I thought they had just begun to heal. "Why? Tell me that, Jasper. Why did you stay back?"

"I–" I could no more answer that question now, than when Edward had asked it those distant months ago. I felt her anger then and my head snapped up to see her struggle to get out of bed. Setting her feet on the ground she stood, her eyes angry, crying, and settled on me as she attempted to come my way. But before she was one step in, I saw her fall. Reflexively, I went to stop her fall.

"Don't you dare touch me, Jasper!" she screeched, so loudly I thought Charlie would be coming in through her door any moment to find us like this, Bella on the floor and I in a half crouch, looking ready to attack her. Nervously, I glanced at the door, for good measure. "I don't need rescuing," she choked out.

Bella was crying again, frustrated with herself, angered by her clumsiness. I looked away from her, letting her have the privacy she could not get while I invaded her emotions through more symbolic ways.

"I know," I whispered, hoping she would believe me. "I'm the one who needed rescuing." As soon as the words left me, I knew how true they were. "That's why I stayed behind. To be rescued."

Bella began to tremble and something confusing threaded through my invasion of her emotions. I was beginning to worry, but before I could voice my worry Bella stood on shaky legs and laughed a very sadistic laugh.

"Rescued?" she barked, sounding delirious in her incredulity. I forced myself to look at her crying face, knowing that my own eyes were filled with tears that would not fall and wanting her to see just how much she had hurt me with just that word. It worked.

Bella took a step back from me.

"Yes," I managed, "is that so hard for your mind to grasp? That _I_, a demon in human form, need rescuing?" Each word took me a step closer to Bella's petrified form. "Because, Isabella, I will have you know, that I very well need some _damned _rescuing."

I was but a breath away from touching her now. Her eyes were wide, staring at me unblinking as tears continued to soak her pale face. She was not afraid of me though, she was just numb and that angered me beyond measure.

"This immortal," I said, raising my hand to touch her and she flinched, unmoving, "needs rescuing. Is there anything _you_ can do about that, Isabella?" Her shuddered breath fanned over my face as she whimpered, weakened by my closeness as I flushed myself to her, our foreheads and noses touching.

She was mainly carved out of curves, so soft, so warm, so irritating, and infuriating. She was my exact opposite and everything about her angered me as much as it fascinated me into enticement. Just like that the pieces, the ones I had thought had been too many, fell into place and I knew…

"Don't call me that," Bella whispered defiantly, her abundant breasts rising and falling with the effort, alternating my awareness to the feel of them against the plane of my own.

"What?" I asked distractedly, barely managing to focus on anything else but where Bella and I connected, there an inferno was steadily igniting and melting away at my ice-cold armor. "What?" I repeated more clearly, inhaling her.

"Don't call me _Isabella_." I almost laughed, wanting to teasingly mock her, but the revelation of my epiphany halted me. My mind wondered back to my leaving Alaska and Alice, whom I loved. And like that, my great discovery dissolved, merely a misunderstanding.

"Why is that darlin'?" I asked her curiously, still holding her tight to her, my fingers digging into the soft naked skin of her waist, dragging a lazy circle. She shivered.

"Because," she breathed, "I don't like it."

"What _do_ you like then, Bella?" I mumbled against her skin, breathing the film of her neck where I could hear the rush of blood calling to me.

"Jasper…" she whimpered. A wicked smile curved my lips. That's right, I thought, I like the sound and _feel_ of that. Her trembling hand was traveling the length of my stomach and ascending, stilling me. "Jasper," she said more forcefully, before pushing me away. I gave, returning her personal space to her.

"Sorry," I mumbled. She ignored me.

"I believe you," she whispered. I raised a confused brow at her words. "Your reason. I'm sorry I mocked you."

"No." All I seemed to do was mumble. "It's hard to picture."

"It's not," she said gently and I could feel her slipping away from me to some distant place where I was sure thoughts of Edward where bombarding her mind. I wanted to growl at her and tell her that I was here and that she needed to pay attention to me.

"I want to show you something today, Bella," I said instead. "Will you let me?"

"Yes," she answered after a long pause, coming back to me.

"Thank you." I bathed us in night again, extinguishing the light I had turned on and I walked cautiously to her, letting my intentions show. "You should go back to sleep now Bella."

"But–"

"It's alright," I interrupted, "the discussion is over. You need your full rest. I shall see you tomorrow."

"Okay," she mumbled groggily against my lethargy, rubbing her eyes. "Tomorrow…"

"Good night," I whispered, slipping her into bed.

"Good night, Jasper," she yawned, turning over to gift me with a smile.

"Sweet dreams, Bella, you deserve that and more."

* * *

**_A/N: So this is a fair warning, no previews no updates for the coming chapters... if no ones reading why bother posting? Anyway, thank you to all those faithful reviewers. This one was for you! Hope you enjoyed it, the plot is finally thickening._**


	19. I Qualm of Serenity

**_Previously; _**

_"Good night," I whispered, slipping her into bed._

_"Good night, Jasper," she yawned, turning over to gift me with a smile._

_"Sweet dreams, Bella, you deserve that and more."_

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch19: I. Qualm of Serenity**_

**Two Months After**

All was serene and swayed in a playful wind that in a child-like manner came and went sporadically, as if content in a game of hide and seek; meanwhile, the rustling leaves represented its joyous laughter.

Bella had gone back to something relatively akin to the normal routine she had before Edward left her, soon after my return. The weeks leading to this ease had been excruciating but worth it. I've begun to feel like I might have reached that pivotal moment where I might have finally found my road to atonement, and for once I felt something close to hopeful.

"Jasper?"

"Yes Isabella?" I smiled at the way she reacted to her full name, a bit of embarrassment wrapped up in a bundle of annoyance. She should have never provided me with that bit of information, it was much too tempting. "Sorry," I apologized, not really meaning it. "Yes Bella?" She scuffed, looking sideways at me, a small but definite smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

"What's your favorite story?" she asked. I laughed. It seemed that Bella was always coming up with the most of unexpected questions the more I got to know her. "What?" Bella scuffed, crossing her arms over her chest, looking slightly flushed. I inhaled.

"Sorry, sorry," I apologized. "It's, just, I didn't expect you to suddenly ask me something like that."

"Excuse me for being curious…" she mumbled, her blush deepening. I exhaled.

"No, Bella, please, don't be like that," I begged, standing from my place on a tree branch and descending to the ground in one lithe and fluid motion. Without losing a step, I stalked closer to where Bella sat at the foot of an old tree in the shade. "It was unexpected, is all."

"You've already said that," she pouted. "If you're not going to tell me, just say so and get it over with…" She was getting defensive now. I wouldn't bother trying to ease her. It would only result in a figurative bloodbath.

_Hmm… always something to think about… right, back on track, Jasper._

I sighed. "Bella, really, I think there's very little I can refuse you at this point," I pointed out, startling myself by how true my statement was. It felt… like a very dangerous revelation to stumble upon –like a landmine. "It's not something that most people bring up in normal conversation, so it surprised me. But then again, you are not most people, Bella. I still have trouble coming to terms with that, but I'm growing slowly used to it by now and it's not so bad."

"So everyone keeps reminding me," Bella said, laughing lightly as a blush presented itself once more. I inhaled her in, reminding myself that I was the one in control and not my bloodlust.

"I… honestly, don't mind telling you, Bella. In fact, I want to tell you what my favorite story is."

"Really?" Bella beamed, looking up at me from where she sat cross-legged on the grass.

"Really." I too sat on the grass with Bella's back touching my own. I inclined my head backwards, until the top of Bella's head touched the back of mine. I sighed, content as Bella leaned onto me. "Now, my all time favorite story is a simple love story." Surprise and a bit of shock surged from Bella. I smiled sadly as pain followed shortly after. Leaning further into her, so that we were more comfortably balanced, I said, "This love story is about two lovers. A man and a woman that …even though they were deeply in love with each other, had to part ways." I felt Bella stiffen behind me, felt her saddened pain, and her anticipation. Suddenly I wasn't too sure I should tell her the story after all.

"Do you still wish to hear it?" I asked quietly.

"Yes," she breathed out. I could feel her determination and resolve. "Why did they part?" she asked almost too quietly, sounding so heartbroken I wanted her to forget about listening to my story.

However, her anticipation was the only reason why I decided to continue with the story. As time pass, I know I won't be able to always shield her from the pain of what she's had to endure. "He had to go out to sea, but he swore he would return someday."

"Did she–"

I smiled at her eagerness and continued, "She cried and vowed to wait for him until the day he'd return. So deep was her love and trust in him that she was more than willing to wait." Bella shuffled and listened intently behind me as I said this. "Twilights a plenty wove themselves into her hair, her lips… and so that he could recognize her immediately upon his return, she kept on wearing the same dress he had last seen her in. Time passed and crabs bit at her clothing, at her illusions, and time simply scurried by until her eyes were filled with sunrises alone. And it so happened, that as she waited for her lover to return her body and soul became rooted to the dock upon which she waited, and she fell in love with the sea. Forgotten and alone her hair began to whiten and still no ship returned with her lover. With her spirit and love for company, she remained in solitude. Meanwhile, the town's people began to call her the crazy lady of the docks of San Blas and tried to send her to a madhouse–"

Bella gasped at this, shock coursing through her. "That's too much!"

"No worries, no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't separate her from the sea… it had become her sole lover, so she remained, alone with the sea and the sun until her end came and she was washed away into the sea she loved so much, finally reunited with her lover."

"Amazing…" Bella breathed and I could feel her empathy for the woman of my story.

"Yeah," I agreed. "So that's my favorite story."

'It's a great story. Where did you hear it?"

"Long ago, in San Blas while passing through. We weren't very welcome there, but I remember being so enthralled by this story that it remained in my mind for days, even while I hunted," I mentioned. "The waters in San Blas hold this mythical air about them, due to this story I presume. Also, one version I stumbled upon one claimed she became a mermaid." I grinned at Bella as I felt her enthusiasm growing with every bit of information I provided.

"It's not a biased assumption though, it makes sense to make that a sort of twist," she observed.

"Indeed, I thought the same the first time I heard of it," I agreed. "Also, if I'm not mistaken, I believe it's been made into a song."

"I would really enjoy listening to it, if it's been made into a song."

"I'll find it for you," I promised, "but I have a nagging suspicion that it's in Spanish, if I remember correctly."

"Oh," she said, a little disappointed.

"We can listen to it together and I can translate it for you," I offered and I felt her smile, which made me smile in turn. "It's settled then?"

"Settled!" she said and laughed. "I can't wait."

"I'm sure you'll also fall in love with it too."

"I already have," she assured me. "It was sad, but I think in the end she couldn't have felt that lonely after all." I was slightly surprised by this statement, because that was something that I always thought of as well and no one else, until now, had shared my same perspective. There was no possible or logical way in my mind that allowed for me to believe that after all that waiting she was lonely in the end. She had the sea and the sun for company, new lovers. She didn't need to feel lonely.

"What makes you say that?" I wanted to know.

"Because, if you think about it, she ended up obtaining something more valuable than a lover, she ended up with a new _constant_ love. Even though it never remained the same, it always remained unchanged, because it _was _the sea after all, and she got to see so many sunsets... and sunrises, each one as different as their predecessors." The girl was a true romantic.

"I agree. The reason I love this story is because it can be interpreted like this, to the point of being, in some sense, controversial. Some might think her to be someone so pathetic, but in the end she got to make a lover out of the sea… that just blows your mind, wouldn't you say?"

"Yes."

Once again we were silent, but content in the companionship that the other offered, just listening to the wind play chase among the leaves once again. With Bella, I was beginning to realize that there was something more to moments like this that made me want to be over zealous of them. I don't think I had shared so much of myself with someone before and though it was all new I found that, speaking about myself wasn't as difficult as I thought it would have been. Bella had taught me that. For the first time I wasn't the only one listening and taking in all the pain. With Bella, it was an equal trade –give and take, take and give. It was easier than breathing and still so very complex, to the point of being vexing.

"Bella, I think we should head back," I interrupted after a while of tumbling musings. Bella stirred, slightly surprised, she had dozed off. The sun had began to cast a rosé gold hue over everything, signaling the final moments before its full descent. "Your father might worry if we don't."

"Only if you promise to bring me back," she wagered.

"I promise."

* * *

**A Week and a Half Later**

Bella and I lay side by side with our eyes closed and shielded from the glare of the noon sun. While resting in shade, the feel of the cool grass under us felt soothing. I could breathe in its earthy smell, bathed in the warm sunrays that danced between twirling leaves and shifting shadows –all was serene in our private place.

At least, it was for Bella.

I, on the other hand, was too aware of our almost touching fingertips and the warmth that radiated from her making a crawling trail over my cold skin.

I could sense her warmth warming me, more than the rays of the sun from that _almost_-connection. Her presence was more pressing than the ground beneath my clawed fingertips. The call of her blood lazily shifting and rushing within her blood vessels was more soothing than the rustle of the playful winds caressing the leaves in mellow passing –a song so thunderous in my ears that I found myself swallowing slowly in an attempt to not salivate at the thought of _tasting_.

I was suffocating, trying to chase away the thoughts of leaning over her and getting a _taste. _Maybe then, I could quench the sudden slam of thirst currently burning a winding path down my fevered throat.

Trying to escape my spiraling thoughts I shifted, causing _contact_.

I heard and felt Bella's entire frame tense and her breathing still along with our previously mocking serenity in the background.

Even so, I did not _dare _make any sudden movements. The beast, the demon in my view was in its prowl, waiting to pounce. I had to regain full control before it was too late.

Tracing a path that connected each shattering chard of control at a gather, I began to slowly sow a seam of resolve into the restless rage of the thirsting demon.

Still, not daring speech, least my voice shake, I exercised a gentle caress of reassurance, allowing it to travel through Bella's frame, and eased her enough to breath and relax once again.

"Sorry," I mumble bashfully.

"Do that again," she breathed, her entire frame relaxing and vibrating with sudden ecstatic emotion.

"What?" I asked, confused by her spiraling emotions. As her emotions stormed around me, I tried to relax by listened to the bristle of swaying leaves to distract myself from the sway of Bella's tantalizing bloodstream quickening its tempo. I smiled lazily, both corners of my mouth lifting as I felt her gravitating herself to me, her warmth encompassing me in its consuming entirety.

"_Touch me_," she whispered, her warm breath now ghosting over the exposed skin of my right shoulder and neck.

"Bella, what? I–" I was a damned flustered vampire! My head turned to look at her. Bella's hair was spread with an idle sort of chaos around her shoulders and over the slightly yellowed grass inking it with soft shadows, fluttering in the slight midmorning breeze.

If I were an artist, I would be rushing to get a hold of my sketchbook and pastels to try and capture this moment of imperfect perfection, all the while wondering the reason behind that thought-provoking blush.

But, alas, I am not. Therefore, I simply contented myself with staring at her, willing her to look at me. I couldn't distinguish one emotion from the other as they spiraled and continued to blossom and extinguish within her, it was making me nervous.

As if compelled, she looked into my eyes then, only looking away as she said, "I've noticed, you know… I mean, how can't I?" She chanced an anxious look at me. I simply stared, trying to make sense of her flooding emotions and words. "Lately, it seems like you go out of your way not to touch me, Jasper. It's like you don't want to be near me, but you have no choice _but_ to be near and so you opt for shutting me out altogether…"

I looked at her, really looked at her, with a slight sense of disbelieve radiating off me. This was true. I had been trying very hard not to go near her, unless it was absolutely necessary, but even _I_ had not been aware of this behavior until recently.

"Is it still hard for you," Bella questioned, barely above a whisper, "being near me?" I smelled her tears before I saw them and they tore at me, at a part of me that I had always assumed dormant after so many years of being one of the living dead.

This maddening awareness was the main reason behind my wanting to distance myself from Isabella, sometimes it became too much. It was as if suddenly, after so many years my heart had suddenly begun to pump and I'd realized just how heavy the weight of my heart was. At first it was like a little poke, but now it was scaling into a full out constant hammering that just wouldn't give. I just never intended on her being aware of my putting distance between us and much less to suffer from it.

Slightly agitated I sat up and knelt before her and carefully had Bella mirroring my position. "Darlin', please don't cry," I pleaded, but her tears seemed to double. "It still is hard," I confessed, "because for some reason you make it impossible for me to adjust. And being around you just doesn't help either. Not that I'm blaming you. I can't very well blame you for being delicious…" As soon as the words were out I felt like an idiot, I wanted to crawl into a very, very, _very_ deep hole and never come out. The way I phrased it made it sound like I had already had a taste of her, which I had _not_. And I wasn't _planning _to any time soon, or ever for that matter, if I could avoid it...

Bella blushed furiously and I practically moaned from the assault. "I'm sorry." This girl was as sweet as the smell of her blood and just as ridiculous.

"What are you apologizing for, Bella?" I asked her incredulous. "You have nothing to apologize for. It's not your fault that I am what I am. That I crave for what I crave and can't help but run different scenarios in my head of how to obtain what I want, even when I'm telling myself that I'm the one in control."

"I know, but it's my fault that you're here." She shook her head stubbornly. "Even though it's painful for you, you're still here… allowing me to be selfish–"

"You're anything but–" I began to argue, but she silenced me once more with a furtive rod hot finger on my lips. I gasped quietly at the sudden heat spreading there, halting my breathing altogether. I wanted to close my eyes and bask in the sensation, but her eyes compelled me otherwise as I stared into them.

Bella seemed not to notice as she continued, cheeks fever red, "Jasper, you're away from Alice," at the mention of Alice's name my breath left me in a rush, like I'd been kicked in the gut, "–away from everyone you love. And I haven't asked because I'm a coward and I'm afraid you'll be gone as soon as I do, but–" She took a shaky breath, letting it out she finished, "shouldn't you be getting back to them, to Alice?"

"Do you want me gone?" I questioned. My voice sounded harsh and hollow, even to my own ears. I felt a sort of foreboding at the thought that she might say yes, that she would tell me that she did not need me anymore. I was terrified by the prospect of her rejection.

"No!" she bellowed in a panic that had her heart drumming a sinister call with her blood, curling and unfurling just beneath her film of delicate, easy-to-break-through, flesh. "Never... I know it's not fair, but I need you, Jasper."

Satisfaction ran through me, an emotion solely _mine_. I shivered, euphoria making me reckless.

"Then, Isabella," I leaned into her, our foreheads touching as I closed my eyes, inhaling her, "stop questioning and just… _accept_." I opened my eyes to the sight of Bella's quickly rising and falling chest. I smirked. Putting a breath's distance between our close proximity, I sought her eyes, wiping away her tears, and whispered, "Can't you do that for me, darlin'?"

She nodded slowly, causing our foreheads to touch once again as my fingers molded gently around her delicate neck. My thumb caressed her jaw line lazily before tilting her face slightly up, just at the right angle so that I could read her lips. "Yes," she finally whispered and as the word formed, her voice became a delicious quiver that I had to trace with my thumb.

"Good." My hands moved on their own, caressing. Bella's eyes closed, surrendering her senses to the feel of my touch, so trusting. I watched my fingers, ghosting over her heated skin, under her jaw and traveling to the column of her neck, while my left untangled and knotted her hair at her nape. And enjoying the feel of her, quivering under my touch, I looked to her, _seeking _as her eyes fluttered open for me once more. "Trust me. I'm here not just because of the promise I made to you, but because I want to. You are worth it, Isabella." For the first time I did not feel Bella's reproach or annoyance at the sound of her name. Instead, there was confusion and a sense of satisfaction in its place. She was staring at me with a look I could not quite discern within those gentle brown eyes, but could not turn from. "The struggle for control and being away from Alice and the family, you are worth all of it… and so much more, Isabella," I continued. I could only hope for her understanding. "Besides, you became family the moment you entered our home, so I'm not away from everyone I lo–"

"_Jasper_," came her winded whisper, "why are you _really_ here?"

* * *

**A/N: A nice, long-ish chapter to make up for my long absence, I hope. Truth is, it had been sitting on my laptop, long finished… a while ago, but I didn't have time to update. Reviews please –it's like FUEL, or no update. That's a promise. It's sad not being shown some love or appreciation peeps.**


	20. II Qualm of Serenity

_**Previously;**_

_"Good." My hands moved on their own, caressing. Bella's eyes closed, surrendering her senses to the feel of my touch, so trusting. I watched my fingers, ghosting over her heated skin, under her jaw and traveling to the column of her neck, while my left untangled and knotted her hair at her nape. And enjoying the feel of her, quivering under my touch, I looked to her, seeking as her eyes fluttered open for me once more. "Trust me. I'm here not just because of the promise I made to you, but because I want to. You are worth it, Isabella." For the first time I did not feel Bella's reproach or annoyance at the sound of her name. Instead, there was confusion and a sense of satisfaction in its place. She was staring at me with a look I could not quite discern within those gentle brown eyes, but could not turn from. "The struggle for control and being away from Alice and the family, you are worth all of it… and so much more, Isabella," I continued. I could only hope for her understanding. "Besides, you became family the moment you entered our home, so I'm not away from everyone I lo–"_

_"Jasper," came her winded whisper, "why are you really here?"_

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch20: II. Qualm of Serenity**_

Bella's question rang, suspended in the chilling air as I froze in place and _listened_. Straining my ears, I waited to catch any sign or sound of the disturbance I _felt_coming our way. No matter how much I strained, no other sound but the sounds of the forest, and Bella's quickening heartbeat and accelerated breathing reverberated back to me.

My eyes focused back on Bella and her wide, staring eyes, filled with alarm at my sudden change in demeanor. The air between us pulsated with the approaching danger she had no knowledge of. I stared deep into her eyes, past my tensed reflection in her slightly dilated pupils and tried to convey a sense of false calm that even I failed to convince myself to believe. Closing my eyes, I strained my ears and listened once again, without breathing and without moving .

The moan of the wind, the rustle of leaves, the stutter of fluttering wings that became the heartbeat of the forest, the scurrying of little paws, the muted thud of prancing hooves, and the lazy slithering against grass was all that echoed in my ears. And Bella's erratic breathing and quickening heartbeat, racing and stuttering with as clumsy a disposition as its owner, a sound that almost made me smile and the closest to me. Each sound was so acute in its singularity that there couldn't be anything I'd missed, only I knew I had.

My eyes flashed open as I felt Bella's warm hands cupping each side of my face. Her eyes danced between my own, this time she was the one searching for some kind of understanding. I saw my alarm reflecting back at me in the center of her fearful, dilated pupils.

Without thinking, I reached for her, my had moving too fast for her eyes to follow my movement and she flinched away from me and the involuntary, violent growl that ripped through my throat in a feral warning that froze her in place. I sighed as my fingertips came into contact with her overheated skin, igniting my own momentarily oversensitive skin with its consuming proximity. It almost felt too hot, scorching. I hissed with pleasure at the almost discomforting comfort.

I felt her tremble under my touch and my nose flared as I inhaled the scent of her delicious fear and a brutal smile twisted my mouth. I looked at her, seeking my reflection, but her eyes were closed and her fingertips on my face were trying to send me a message I didn't comprehend. Bella whimpered and I heard the sound I had been waiting for, a slight disturbance in the flow of the wind and I came back to myself.

I took a step back from Bella, feeling ashamed of myself. Silently, I growled to myself, there was no time to loose. I needed to act and act immediately, if I wanted to have Bella out of harms way so that I could protect her.

"J-Jasper," Bella stuttered as she swayed on her feet and stumbled. In a flash, I caught her before she could hit the grass. She smiled tentatively at me in thanks. I nodded.

"Bella, listen to me closely," I said urgently, waiting for her nod as my eyes danced between hers. She gulped, nodding, and I proceeded. "I need you to _run_."

"Jasper, you are scaring me," she whispered, stumbling over her words. "I don't understand." I sighed, smiling sardonically. Finally, she had a reaction befitting the situation.

"Right now I don't need you to understand, Bella," I told her, becoming irritated. The danger was getting closer, soon it would be upon us and Bella wasn't running. "I need you to do as I say and run."

"But–"

"_Run!__" _I all but growled at her and she backed away from me, looking hurt. "I promise I'll explain, but right now you are in danger." She nodded, understanding. "Good. Now, run, get in your truck, get as far away from here as fast as you can, and don't look back."

She ran and I froze. She wasn't going to make it.

"Where's the danger?" I turned to face the owner of the voice, eyes wide. "You weren't talking about me now, were you, Jazz? You know, I'm harmless."

"Alice," I breathed and stiffened as one of her hands came around my neck, the other over my heart, and she pecked my lips. I knew Bella was still here, I could feel her heat, her shock, joy, doubt, hurt, and confusion just behind me, overlapping my own emotions. I wish she would run. Inexplicably, I wish she wouldn't see this.

"I'm hurt," Alice stated, all playful music coming from her lips. "Has it been that long since you've been with your mate that you've forgotten the sounds of my steps, my scent?" Her nose scrunched up delicately and she moved until her lips hovered over my right ear and whispered, "Or is it that her smell is so overpowering you can't get past it? You reek of her, you know." She looked at Bella over my shoulder and smiled wickedly. I knew that smile all too well. I also knew that it would look nothing but friendly to Bella when it wasn't.

"Alice." I had never spoken her name like that before. The urgency in my voice was different from that urgency it had when we were in private, much too different but nonetheless urgent.

"Don't worry so much, Jazz, it's not like you," she whispered as she sidestepped me. "Bella!" she chirped, all mirth. I cringed and turned, trying to catch Alice's wrist and missing by a breath.

"Alice!" Bella's heart skipped a beat and quickened as her incredulity turned to a tentative, welcoming smile. "Jasper, it's only Alice," she called to me and I grimaced, though I think she missed it.

"Yes, it's only little 'ole me," Alice chuckled, looking over her shoulder and winking at me as she stalked closer to Bella. There was something dangerous in her eyes that I couldn't quite understand, something off. Something not Alice.

Even her emotions were off. It was if she was hurt, but that couldn't be. There were no signs of her having been on a fight, her clothes and hair were perfectly in place. Bella too was closing the distance, I couldn't have that. I stepped between them, my back to Bella and facing Alice, my almost coiled body looming over hers.

"Jasper!" Bella gasped, confusion sending her other emotions to the background.

"Alice, darlin'," I greeted, sounding pleasant enough for Bella's ears and growling in warning at Alice, low enough that Bella wouldn't hear. Alice looked sincerely surprised by my intervention and when her eyes met mine for the first time everything that had been off about her seemed to melt away, leaving only sadness.

"I only want to greet my friend," she whispered for my ears alone, not looking at me. I scrutinized her and finding her intentions sincere, I touched her cheek gently and relaxed as I stepped aside. "Thank you." I nodded.

"Jasper? Alice?" Bella looked between the two of us, confused.

"Sorry, Bella, I was on defense mode. Even Alice can't snap me out of it." It was a poor excuse but she seemed to accept it. I watched their interaction closely for any changes in Alice, in case she reverted back to that unfamiliar Alice that had stepped forward.

"Yeah, it's nothing to worry about, Bella," Alice assured her, smiling sweetly at her. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Alice," Bella confessed, hugging Alice. "But what are you doing here?" I was wandering the same thing. Seeming to sense this, Alice looked at me and I, too, asked silently.

"I had some things I wanted to discuss with Jasper and I just missed you too much!" Alice chuckled, hugging Bella tighter and I stiffened, a small growl stuck halfway up my throat. Alice didn't miss this and soon released her strong hold on Bella, allowing me to relax.

OoO

"Alice, what are you really doing here?" I asked. Now that Bella was gone and we were alone, I wouldn't stand for any skirting around the problem. "And what the hell happened to make you act the way you were acting before you snapped out of it?"

"I just want to talk, honestly, I've missed you," Alice responded quietly. "Haven't you missed me?"

"You could have hurt her," I accused and she hung her head in shame.

"I know, but I wouldn't have," her whisper was so low and so full of shame that I almost missed it. "I love her."

"Hey, hey, darlin', it's okay, look at me." I approached her, touching her face, brushing her hair back, cradling her neck, and pushed under her chin with my thumb to make her look at me. "I know you love her and you know I miss you every time I'm apart from you." She smiled a watery smile and I held her close, comforting her and trying to convince her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, kissing my neck. I smiled at the gesture. Holding her like this, my neck was the closest spot she could reach without going on tiptoes or craning her neck too much.

"How's Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, and Rose?" I asked, holding her at arms length.

"Emmett and Rose are still traveling," she told me, rolling her eyes. "Esme misses you terribly and worries, but Carlisle keeps reminding her that, even though he misses you too, he has faith in you and so should she. He's been rather smug about you really."

I chuckled at that. "That's good. I miss you guys too."

The mood suddenly changed from pleasant to uncertain. "Edward he–"

I growled at her and she flinched, surprise widening her eyes. "I don't want to know anything about him! Neither does she–"

"I wouldn't be so certain about that if I were you," she argued.

"Don't you _dare_bring him up around her," I warned, feral. "She flinches at the mere _thought_ of his name. I can't imagine what hearing it out loud would do to her so don't, Alice, just don't."

We stared at each other in defiance, breathing fast and not backing down.

"What is it that truly worries you?" Alice mused.

"What–"

"That I might be, what's the phrase, adding salt to her wounds or that she might still care for him?" I looked at Alice, my glare murderous. I knew, because I could see it reflected in her defiant eyes.

"Of course she's goin' to still care for him! He _broke_her and she was willing to give him everything." My nose flared in my rage as my breathing became ragged. "Really, what's your angle, Alice? What are you trying to get at?" I was furious and I didn't understand where she was coming from, I only knew that her words had struck a cord. I didn't like the vulnerability this realization provoked.

She ignored my question and threw some more of her own. "Are you worried, Jasper, that he might realize that leaving her was the worse mistake he ever made? Or that he come back to her." She wouldn't back away and I didn't want to hear any more when she finally sank her venom-coated teeth deep into the root of the problem. "No, I think what concerns you most is that she might actually forgive him once he comes crawling back to her."

I think I barely managed to not flinch as her final jab came at me like a soft, unassuming tidal wave. She looked triumphant, but also, she looked like I had just ripped her head clean off her shoulder with my own two hands, so hurt.

"If she takes him back…" I began weakly. "That has nothing to do with me." My words sounded so hollow, even to my own ears and I didn't even understand why.

"You don't even realize it do you?" Alice sobbed and I was the one that stumbled back from the onslaught of her heartbreak. I was so confused.

"Alice, I don't–"

"Let's go," she said urgently, a new kind of determination gleaming in her eyes. She looked demented and I couldn't help but drop her hand like a hot rod when she tried clinging to it.

"I can't leave her," I argued, shaking my head. "I can't leave Bella, I promised her."

"Of course you can!" she urged, sounding near hysterics and pushing me towards the thick lining of trees leading in the opposite direction of Bella's home. "We need to go now so she can forget all about us, all about everything that puts her in danger."

I sank the heels of my feet into the dirt, somewhat stopping her pushing and shoving. "What's gotten into you Alice? You are freaking me out."

She chuckled nervously and my eyes widened as a sob mingled and twisted its way out. "You don't know…" she sobbed over and over again.

"Alice, what don't I know?" I asked sternly, my aggravation reaching an all time high. Alice only shook her head, denying me an answer. "I'm tired of this Alice," I sighed, gesturing at and at nothing in particular. "You with your secrets and I always in the dark, fretting after you and not knowing how to make it better."

"Don't say that," Alice choked out, pleading. "Just don't."

I looked away from her, I couldn't stand the sight of a woman I have known to be so strong crumbling before my very eyes. "Bella needs me," I told her. "She must be worried, wandering where I've gone or if I've left with you. I can't have that."

"Don't I matter to you?"

I stopped mid step at her words, turning to face her again and glared. "How can you accuse me of that Alice?" She didn't say anything so I continued, "Everything I do, and everything I've done since I met you has been for you. How can you accuse me of not caring for you, about us?"

"Then why won't you leave with me?" It was a simple enough question but for some reason, it added fuel to the fire.

"Because," I stretched out the word, trying to reign in my anger, "your friend and family, _my__family_, Isabella Swan, needs me and you can't control this."

"I need you." It was but a whisper, but it made my entire frame quake with anger. Faster than I've moved in years, since the war, I was at Alice's throat, holding her aloft.

"Your _needs_ can _wait_. Don't you _dare_try to manipulate me into leaving. _I__'__m_the one with the manipulating gift here," I hissed at her, my teeth scraping the curve connecting neck to shoulder, making her his in pain. I wasn't even remorseful at the knowledge that it would leave a lasting scar. Just because I could and because I wanted to drive my point home, I took hold of the pain she was feeling and doubled it and then again.

Alice struggled, feet kicking, nails scratching at my arm, and screeching like a banshee from the pain. "Shh, darlin', you're scaring the poor birds away," I soothed, watching a flock of birds take flight in fear, their little hearts working overtime. "I'm done playin' your guessin' games for now, Alice. You and I have an eternity to work things out, she doesn't. End of discussion."

"Jasper, _please_." I released her, feeling disgusted, and she crumbled to the grass like a sack of boulders, nursing her throat and coughing.

"Next time I wish to speak with you, Alice, I shall come find you. Until then, stay away from me. Stay away from here, _darlin__'_," I told her sweetly, eyes gleaming and dangerous as I paced before her, hands behind my back, right hand holding onto my left wrist.

Alice stood, putting some distance between us, and nodded.

I winked at her. "Love you, darlin' Ali." I was gone before she could blink again.

_**OoO**_

_**A/N:**Finally, another chapter finished. I hope you enjoyed it. I had so much fun writing this one. We are getting closer to Jasper's epiphany, just a little more patience is all I ask. Please, Reviews? _


	21. Unsolicited Epiphany

_**Previously;**_

"_Next time I wish to speak with you, Alice, I shall come find you. Until then, stay away from me. Stay away from here, darlin'," I told her sweetly, eyes gleaming and dangerous as I paced before her, hands behind my back, right hand holding onto my left wrist. _

_Alice stood, putting some distance between us, and nodded. _

_I winked at her. "Love you, darlin' Ali." I was gone before she could blink again._

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch21: Unsolicited Epiphany **_

_Betrayal._

_Hurt._

_Love._

_Anger._

_Rage._

_Confusion._

_Fear._

_Hopelessness._

_Sorrow._

_Abhorrence._

_Love._

_Betrayal._

_Loss. _

_Abandonment._

_Jealousy._

_Stubbornness._

_Resolve._

_Desolation._

_Despair._

So much despair and so much love.

All of these encompassing, wavering, lingering, and hauntingly hunting sensations tried to remain affixed to my persona as I ran away from Alice, her confusing words, and the man that had threatened the woman I love, have loved since our first encounter.

What had I done? I had half a mind made up on just going back and apologizing, when I remembered the rage she had evoked, provoked in me. Uprooting an innocent, by standing tree that got in my way with a vicious snarl, I released some of my seething fury.

I couldn't deal with any of these right now, all I needed was to get away and not feel. I wanted sanctuary. But where? I couldn't possibly let Bella see me like this. Though, a darker, sadistic part of me wished I could so that she would finally open her eyes and see me for what I was, what I am; a sadistic vampire with a history of violence and the many scars to prove it. I growled at my train of thought. Even my thoughts were betraying me.

What did any of this mean? I needed to think. I needed sanctuary. It was getting dark and I didn't want to do anything I'd later regret. And I couldn't go back to Bella's, not yet anyways. Praying that she wouldn't worry unnecessarily, I made my way to my new sanctuary after a flash of a fleeting memory made me decide on the place.

Scanning the agglomerated exposure and coming up with no visible threat, only fauna and a little bluebird perched on my target, which was no threat at all, I stepped into the surroundings of my sanctuary. The bluebird either had a death wish or it was a brave little blue fool as it remained where it was, watching me curiously.

I paid it no mind as I stalked closer and it persisted on remaining. Fleetingly, I entertained the idea that was loosing my touch but then a flash of the terror reflecting off Alice's eyes came to mind and all of that went out the window, figuratively speaking.

In something that could be called a lazy and relaxed manner, I sat myself between Emmett's _Sponge__Bob_ –yes, the upside-down jellyfish lookalike– and my own fine piece of art, my naked lady. The damned bluebird remained perched on one of _Sponge Bob's_tentacles –I mean, arms. Do pardon the gaffe, it wasn't my intention –_snort_.

It seemed like ages ago now, since Emmett and I had carved these on our race back home after my slip up. I sighed and in a very human-like gesture, I leaned against my lady, interlocking my fingers over my chest and closing my eyes. I had become better at these human impersonations since spending so much time with Bella and watching after her.

With a sigh, my thoughts turned to Emmett and I sent silent thanks to him, grateful for the hand he dealt in my new sanctuary. I missed Emmett, his jokes, and our bets. I smiled, remembering we still had a bet to settle. A bet he has to make me account for.

"So, what is it birdie, you have a death wish?" I inquired of the bluebird, feeling its beady eyes on me. "Or are you simply not afraid of me? 'Cause if that's the case, you are a little blue fool."

It chirped at me in response.

"That's what I thought." I sighed. I was talking to birds now. _Let's go back to talking to myself_, I thought, _much preferable_. _That way it's silent and people or the fauna can't call you out on your crazy, Jasper._ I scoffed. Turning on my side and resting my head on my lady's perfectly flat stomach, looking down her navel… and pass her legs.

A little while passed, while I remained lost in thoughts, unmoving, barely breathing, and oblivious to my surroundings, when I felt two little stick-like something's land on my nose. Curious, I opened my eyes slowly to find the little bluebird's beak inches from my cornea. _Yes, the little bird has proven itself to be a fool._

"I shall let you live, little one," I informed it quietly, "you've got spunk. Even I've got to admire that from such a small and defenseless creature."

It chirped at me in response again, seemingly content as it hopped onto my hair and nestled there. I chuckled at that, quietly as not to startle it.

"You know, I came here to be alone," I complained halfheartedly. "But I guess you're not such a bad companion after all. You just better not shit on me."

My threat was met with yet another quirky chirp.

Somewhat amused, I went back to my own quite musings and went over everything that Alice had told me, and my reactions. I could have handled that better, I concluded without any kind of remorse, which puzzled me further.

What had Alice been talking about when she mentioned something about me not knowing? Why was there so much urgency behind her wanting me to leave with her? And what was it with her in the first place? She hadn't been acting like herself when she appeared. What was that all about?

Above all, why did it feel like she had been or the verge of dismembering Bella? She claimed to love her like a sister, like family even, and I knew it was true because I had felt the guilt plaguing her when I had called her on it. I didn't understand anything!

My anger flared as I suddenly remembered her mention of Edward. Damned Yankee. Why did she have to bring _him_ up? Didn't she realize that I'm on Bella's side of this affair? And what was with all the damned accusations?

A pang went through me as one accusation came up to mind more vividly than the rest:_"No, I think what concerns you most is that she might actually forgive him once he comes crawling back to her."_

Was she right about that and if she was, why did I care about Bella doing just that? All I cared about is her happiness, if taking him back was what made her happy... who am I to interfere? Why _would_ I want to interfere? Maybe I'll tell her to make him grovel and feel the flames of hell for a little while, have him at her mercy. A valid suggestion I could make… then again, he's already felt the flames of hell, its venom courses through our veins and animates us, after all.

I sighed. This whole thing was preposterous and demented. I shouldn't have to think about any of this or second-guess myself on something that I have no idea I'm second-guessing myself in. What am I second-guessing myself in? I was getting so frustrated.

"Well, time to get your sorry behind home, Jasper," I said, feeling the warmth of the sun dissipate and a moist coolness settle over everything now that the sun had set. "Bella must be worried by now." I found myself smiling at the thought of seeing Bella and stopped abruptly, frowning at my reaction.

Shrugging it off, I stood slowly, remembering my little blue friend. "I'm afraid this is where we part, birdie," I told it.

He chirped again. And call me crazy, but I swear it sounded disappointed. I gathered some muss and placed it on the spot he had been perched on before my appearance, _Sponge Bob's_"hand" and transferred him there. He chirped in protest, but remained.

"Now, you better die of natural causes and not let anything else kill you," I warned it. "I mean, you survived _me_, the most lethal of all predators. Not that I make a habit of killing birds… Anyway, that alone should give you a hint as to the long life you have ahead of yourself." I swear, it was staring at me now and giving me a dubious look, not buying a word of it. I chuckled, it sure had spunk.

He chirped again and I took it as a promise. Satisfied, I disappeared, following my own scent and heading home, to Bella.

Like so many times before today, I ran up the side of her home and entered her room through her open window, which always remained open, awaiting my return. I smiled at that, feeling some contentment and reassurance at the thought that _I_ was the one that window remained open for. Of course, my mind took care of omitting the previous vampire that same, suddenly treasonous, window had remained open for. The damned Yankee.

Standing by the foot of her bed, I became instantly aware of the fact that Bella was not in her room. I inhaled, feeling the slight discomfort her appealing scent brought upon me intensify and setting my whole throat in flames. I moved past it, noting that she had been here moments ago and that her father was home so I couldn't go searching for her, in the literal sense.

Wondering where she could be, I closed my eyes and listened for the sound of her heartbeat, which by now I could pick out of a crowd. _There_, I found her in the bathroom. She was in the process of showering. Unable to help myself, I gulped audibly as the sound of the water traveling, gliding, and sliding down the curves of Bella's body became distinct to my sensible ears.

I was momentarily transfixed by the hums and sighs of contentment that fluttered pass Bella's parting, wet lips every time her sponge passed over a rather sensitive surface of her lathered body. With a muted thud, I sank into her yielding bed in an attempt to avoid temptation and feeling like I had gone weak at the knees.

Which had come in the fleeting and appealing form of a simple thought. _Why listen, when I could watch and she wouldn't even realize it?_ Again, I had to shake my head as the thought burst up past my resolve again, tempting me. _Tempting me?_

I shuddered at the sudden realization of what I was doing. Deliberately standing up, I walked toward the window again, exited the way I had come, and ran. I did not stop until I was far away that I couldn't hear the sounds of Bella showering, appalled at myself.

"Something is seriously wrong with you, Jasper," I berated myself, holding onto fistfuls of my hair. I was squatting down, balanced on the balls of my feet, with my head in my hands, and my eyes closed. And seeing as to this position wasn't helping I started pacing. "What was that?" I asked myself over and over again.

What would have happened had I not walked away? I groaned at the thought of Bella entering her room , fresh from her shower, and a towel wrapped around her body, hiding little of her still soaked form. I moaned, that fantasy was a little too vivid for my liking.

What the hell was wrong with me? This was Bella Swan, Edward's (snarl) Bella Swan we were talking about here! And how come the thought of Bella still belonging to Edward became the cause of my irritation and savageness behind a snarl I was trying to hold back and failing miserably?

With a suddenness akin to being set aflame and not aware of the fact until it was too late, I knew what Alice had been talking about. What I hadn't known.

"I knew now!" I snarled spitefully. "And I can't agree!"

Because I could and because I had to, I ran. I ran twice around the perimeter of the treaty line, coming too close to the shape shifter's outer skirts of their terrain for their liking. They snipped and snapped at my heels with their jaws, missing every time, whenever I got too close and was disappointed every time they did not give chase. I was up for a little chase and a little action, but they wouldn't give me one. I sighed, dissatisfied. Maybe I should talk them into one? Promise I wouldn't hurt them, _much_?

I was running on the momentary high of a death wish. I felt disgusted with myself for thinking of Bella the way that I had. Abruptly, I stopped running, only now realizing that half an hour had passed since my indiscretion. I needed to head back…

_**OoO**_

_Flame on throat_, I thought sarcastically, trying to distract myself as I began to climb up Bella's tree and remembered the _Fantastic Four_for some unknown reason…

"Jasper?" I heard her call my name with eccentric satisfaction as I crouched and slipped through the frame of her open window, always open and waiting for my return, like Bella. Her voice was small, filled with unshed tears, uncertainty, and barely above a whisper, but I could hear her clearly, and she knew I would.

"I'm here," I assured her, my voice slightly louder than hers so that she could hear me, solemn. Making my way to her through the darkness, I watched her as she stretched out a trembling hand before her –like a blind person, too trusting. I wanted to hold her, make it all better, and light up her way, like she obviously wanted. _Why else would her hand be reaching out like that?_

I was conflicted, fighting the new knowledge that was at war with what I knew of this human girl, no, woman and her past.

The instant she heard my voice, her emotions became visibly relaxed and I heard her small sigh of relief carry her warm, sweet scent to me. Instantly intoxicated, my mind became clouded but so did my senses and I almost felt myself stagger. Or was it sway?

"You came back." _You returned to me, you didn't leave me, you kept your promise_, is what she really wanted to say. I could read between the lines and hear the true meaning behind her words. However, it seemed like she had held hope. My return had been stated and noted, not thought as a surprise.

Like curling, beckoning fingers that appealed to my greater senses, I followed the scent. Instead of solely relying on my sight, I closed my eyes and gave in to the more animalistic of instincts –smell.

Inhaling, I listened to the flutter of her beating heart, the slight hiccupping from crying in her breaths, the water in her hair, and her sniffles. Exhaling, I tasted the salt of her tears in her ear, the fresh scent of her showered skin, and her scent, all Bella.

I hoped that getting near her would not put her in any danger with my inner demon, in my current state. I approached her, after a small hesitation, by which time I had tested my self-control.

It would be all right, I convinced myself, reaching for her and taking her warm hand in my own granite, cold ones, _touching_. A sigh of _relish_quivered past my lips without warning, surprising, and I breathed her in. She shivered at the touch, but did not withdrawal, neither did I. Cautiously, with practiced ease, I pulled her to me, chuckling as I heard her gasp and her heartbeat skip, and sat together on her bed with her on my lap, facing toward me. I could feel the warmth of her breath, gliding over my collarbone and creating a gathering of condensation.

A shiver ran through my spine at the sensation. I quickly looked into Bella's searching eyes and took notice of the feel of her wet hair touching my arms and fingers, twined at the curve of her back, to occupy my mind with something else entirely.

Before now, today I hadn't noticed any of it. I loved having her in my arms, because nothing could compare to this _rightness_. Trapped and encased within the danger that I was. I could tell she felt safe and I felt like I, in turn, could keep her safe, as long as she remained rapt in me, just like now.

"I'm here," I sighed once again, into her ear this time, and then I smiled, placidly, as she shivered when my cool breath graced her warm skin, she smelled as lovely and delicious as ever. It was a satisfaction of sorts, her reaction. I could pretend that I affected her the same way that she affected me. Not that I was fully accepting that she did. I'm still in denial.

"Jasper…" she sighed and wrapped her delicate arms around me, her warm body begging for my cool embrace. I held her and wished that I could forever stay with her like this, because I also longed for her warm embrace... she just did not know it, she could not know it, because I would not and could not allow it. I couldn't even allow myself to allow it, much less contemplate it.

It was an unwelcomed and unwarranted attraction. It wouldn't be healthy. It wouldn't be prudent. It would be a betrayal of her trust, and not only hers but Alice's. It _was_ already a betrayal, I realized with trepidation.

I finally understood everything that had come to pass between Alice and I as I accepted what was happening here, what had been happening, and what I had been unaware of until this very moment. What Alice had pointed out and what her emotions had been trying to ram into me. How had I been so blind?

"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned, due to the prolonged silence that held us wordlessly in a seemingly timeless moment and because I needed an escape from my own morbid thoughts. It must be because of her tears and the overwhelming source of emotions flowing from her to me, but I felt like I was choking on air.

There was so much sadness piled up in that fragile body of hers. I could not quite understand, or wrap my head around how she was still able to stand on her own two feet with the weight of it all. How she could bare the garroting pressure of her own grief. If only I had the power to posses that and take it away forever, not just artificially.

_If only…_

"I don't want to talk about it, just hold me," came her muffled response into my chest, my chest wet with her tears. "We'll talk tomorrow? I have a few questions of my own…"

"Of course." At her request, I held her closer, cursing Edward for making her cry and wishing that, somehow, I could hold her even closer. I knew she wanted to talk about Alice and what had taken me so long to come back to her, but I didn't have it in me to press her into telling me anything. "I'll wait until you are ready, darlin'. Be it tomorrow, next week, next month, or never. For you, I have an eternity."

All I could do for now, however, was calm her with my unnatural power, which seemed to have no effect on her at the moment. After all, I knew I wasn't superhuman. I was merely one of the walking dead in possession of a rare and supernatural ability. I frowned. Was her despair so great that not even I could help her?

This hurt more than the fact that she was not mine for the take and could never be. I wanted to have the ability to cry with her, for her… if only my eyes could be filled with tears, I would be crying with her. I felt so helpless, powerless, and I thought I had no weaknesses. I scoffed at myself, disgusted by my many years of arrogance.

Another reason why Bella should never know that I love her, that I have loved her. She deserves better than this battle scarred, blinded fool of an obsolete soldier that has no foresight beyond wanting to posses her, mind, skin, mouth, emotions, blood, soul, and, were she to allow it, _heart_; all of her.

"Thank you," she whispered, flashing the smallest of faintest smiles, before burying her face on the nook of my neck, and the simple, innocent action made me groan in anticipation and frustration. _You wouldn't be thanking me if you knew the thoughts taking precedent in my mind right now, Bella,_ I thought darkly and without humor.

"Jasper?" she questioned quizzically, becoming rigid.

"Nothing, it's nothing," I assured her with a defeated sigh. Allowing my fingers to get acquainted to the length and trajectory of her back, I soothed her back into relaxing in my arms, caressing her spine under my cool, heating fingertips. She hummed at the caress and I felt something else wanting to go rigid.

I could not deny myself any more, at least consciously. I am irrevocably and irreparably in love with Isabella Swan. No wonder Alice's touch had no effect, I thought, somewhat solemnly.

My Bella, my sweet, brave, and innocent Bella, can you not see how crazy you are driving me?

_**OoO**_

_**A/N:**The moment you all had been waiting for! We are finally catching up to the introduction to this story and from here on, I don't know what might happen so don't blame me._

_Incase anyone was wondering about the repetition of emotions, it is not a mistake, that was done on purpose to show that Alice will fight for what's "rightfully hers"._

_Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing, I hope you've enjoyed this chapter as well. Look forward to the next one and drop me some love. _


	22. Never Departing Heart

_**Previously;**_

_I could not deny myself any more, at least consciously. I am irrevocably and irreparably in love with Isabella Swan. No wonder Alice's touch had no effect, I thought, somewhat solemnly._

_My Bella, my sweet, brave, and innocent Bella, can you not see how crazy you are driving me?_

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch22: Never Departing Heart **_

_Nothing was left… but misery and a gnawing void…_

No trickle of rain...

No wild fire...

No life...

No shattering of the earth...

No heart...

No warmth...

No sound...

_Nothing…_

Everything was impassively quiet, until–

The night was breathing, buzzing, and screaming around me, adding to the crackle and sizzle of the burning wood at the heart of the waning hearth. Such terrible sound, like the moaning wails of tortured souls eternally burning in hell.

I couldn't escape it and it lingered, hauntingly vibrating through every connective tissue, every fiber of my sensitive ears and ricocheting. It's echo was my own and my silence it's scream.

With a tremor that ran the length of my vertebra, I held on tight to her broken form, unwilling to accept my reality. _Her _reality, I mourned.

_She's gone… gone. Forever._

My heart was beating, the weight and intensity of its pounding making every sound and every breath muffled to my ears, like any minute my heart might just give out and burst. Still, I heard and felt it all. The despair, desperation, terror, and sorrow racked my body like tidal waves bent on a path of unstoppable destruction.

Will was a matter of strength and fighting spirit, and I had no strength, much less any fight left in me. It was only when my inertia of unchanging grief started to weigh on my shoulders, that I realized I was the one screaming and not the night lamenting. _I _was the one crying. _I _was the one pleading.

_Please, please... don't go where I can't follow… don't go! _

_Don't take her..._

My fingers moved numbly and tremulously over her now yellowed, bruising, pale, and delicate features. Torpidly my fingers tried and failed to will her eyes to peel open for me with their inept and urgent tenderness alone. If only I could spy those familiar twin moons of gray I had grown so fond of over the past weeks one last time, I would lay down my own life without reservations, willingly. Kissing her cheeks, which now lacked her warmth, I pressed my forehead against hers, and tangled my trembling fingers in her hair until I was able to hold a captive fistful of her tresses.

"_Cais…" _I whispered, hoarsely._"Please, don't go where I can't fulfill my promise to you." _My voice broke uneven at the very end and I kissed each of her ever-sleeping lids with wavering lips and, lastly, her temple. Over and over I mumbled these words, like a prayer where even over abundant faith held no gain.

Unable to come to terms with this cruel reality, I continued to pretend a while longer, like before, and held her closer, while I rocked her into the eternal sleep of peace I wished for her. The yellow fever had taken a hold of her in a cruel and slow haste, breaking her body from the inside out, without giving her a chance to fight it. It had all happened within the last two weeks and much too soon. We had already been and endured through so much together.

Not for the first time since she had started to show signs of her illness, did I wonder why I had been spared. I had lived and seen enough, though I was still young and had yet to marry, and settle down with a family of my own. She hadn't seen or done anything. _Perhaps it would have been better if I hadn't rescued her in the first place. _I regretted the thought as soon as I'd allowed it to cross my mind and poison with bitterness the time we'd spent together. The poignant sting of my new guilt made me feel repulsed and ashamed of myself.

_Why was I the one living on when she couldn't? _This thought alone plagued and tormented me.

However, the spiraling direction of my own thoughts allowed me to open my eyes and made me see reason. Consequently, I vowed to Cais, my sister, that I would live a prosperous life for the pair of us. Another tremor ran down my spine as my acceptance became undeniable and I choked back a sob.

My tears fell freely.

Sliding down my cheeks, they travel, dangling from the slant of my nose, falling, and splattering a pattern of gliding, glistening salty tears that now covered most of Cais' inert features.

Abruptly, the thought of providing my girl with a proper send off had me moving and into action again. Struggling, like a puppet whose strings had come loose, I managed to stand on shaky feet and tensing muscles. Holding fast to Cais' cooling body and unable to bring myself to let go of her, even for a moment, I purposefully set about gathering more firewood, dry leaves, and grass for a proper bonfire with her still in my arms. As an after thought, I gathered some wild flowers I stumbled upon to garnish Cais' carcass with.

Once I had gathered enough to build a semblance of a small wooden dais or altar, I sank to my knees, exhausted. I was shaking again. In an attempt to distract myself and ignore the tremors the adrenalin of the moment was inflicting on my body now that my purpose had been met, I took in the sight of Cais in my arms one last time.

She was still wrapped up in my heavy coat, which I had lain over her in a feeble attempt to keep the cold from taking a hold of her and seeping through to her bones. Still, I could somehow see her tattered dress peeking behind the thick fabric, clinging to her skin and bones. Remembering her as she was the night I rescued her, alive and well, if shaken, I was able to envision Cais with her rosy cheeks and rounded, childish face with that spark of laughter in her eyes one last time, instead of this broken shell of her I was holding. I promised myself I would remember her like that, with the laughter in her eyes and color on her cheeks, enchanting.

Tenderly, I untangled my coat from her cold frame, letting it hit the dirt, and smiled as I spied a small patch on her tattered dress that had somehow managed to remain spotless, just over her heart. Where her mother had made an addition to a simple, once cream, dress and embroidered a simple yet delicate blue, four-petal flower.

Cais had told me the story, rather timidly, one dreary night when I'd tried to convince her to let me burn the dress and provide her with another. After that, I hadn't pressed her to rid herself of the only connection she still had to her mother. It was her only treasure in the world of despair she'd been forced to face, and it was humbling. Besides, she cherished that small little detail enough to go out of her way to keep it spotless, it would have been too cruel.

On impulse, I searched my pockets and extracted my pocketknife.

Gently laying Cais down at the foot of her burial dais, I made quick work out of opening the knife. Holding my breath and praying that I knew what I was doing, I sliced through the fabric of her tattered dress without cutting through the inner layers of the sheer dress. And careful not to mutilate her body further, I managed to cut a precise square along the surroundings of the small blue flower, removing it entirely and intact from its original place over Cais' heart.

For a long moment, I knelt in absolute silence and stared at the only memento of Cais I would be allowing myself to keep along with my memories.

Something to remember her by and the days we saw raise and fall together. It was small, fitting just at the heart of my palm, but it held a memory of sentimental value of its own that belonged to Cais alone. One she had deemed me worthy enough to share in. It possessed its own silent heartbeat, thanks to the memories attached.

_I will treasure this heart forever_, I vowed, pocketing my knife and the memento after a final glance.

Standing again, I took a long, dry branch and set it on fire with the remains of the small bonfire I had been feeding earlier to try and keep the cold at bay. _Much good it did us_, I thought bitterly. Holding the flaming branch aloft, I made myself let go of Cais' body and tenderly laid her onto the makeshift dais I had built for her atop the wild flowers I had picked earlier, trying to make her seem as peaceful and comfortable as if she were merely asleep.

With burning tears in my eyes that I couldn't hold back, I set fire to Cais' dais and watched as the flames licked and ate their way through the wood, grass and dried leaves until they consumed her entirely.

The vitriolic smell of human flesh burning, so sickening to my susceptible nose, became a screed taste at the back of my tongue, imprinted in my memory, absorbed into my skin, and nothing could wash it away…

I remember coughing and choking on the fumes and smoke alone, unable to stop myself from watching or make my feet move to carry me some distance away. With the bile the acrid smell brought growing and burning a path up my throat, I had no choice but to throw up all the contents of my churning stomach on the spot. Still, all I tasted on my tongue was the acid taste of human flesh burning…

I grimaced at the vaporous recollection of my recently reoccurring daydreams. This was beginning to happen much too often now and I had no reference as to what was triggering it. I just wanted the painful memories to stop plaguing me. After all, the one asset being a vampire possessed was the lack of nightmares one brought onto this existence. And now that those lines were being blurred... I didn't know what to make of it.

Honestly, I had enough on my plate to deal with. Alice's reappearance and disappearance left everything in an uproar between Bella and I. Every day that passed and Bella would avoid looking at me or talking to me was torture and I found myself at a loss. It was as if I didn't have a place in the world if she wasn't the one acknowledging my existence. Little by little I felt myself dying inside bit by bit and day by day as each day darkened on notes of antagonized silence. Worst of all, I didn't have the guts to break the silence, afraid of what I might need to bring up in order to severe the accumulating tension.

Bella was blaming me for Alice's second disappearing act, I knew, and rightly so, only she wasn't talking to me about. She was keeping much too quiet, keeping me at arms length, and it was grating on my nerves. It would have been so much better if she had outright called me on it, but at the same time I was relieved she hadn't called me on it.

Because what was I supposed to tell her if she did? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to but Alice forced my arm when she mentioned Edward and my jealousy got the better of me, so with a few threats and a bit of rough treatment, I sent her packing with her tail between her legs? I'd suffer through another infernal change before admitting that to Bella.

She's had enough disappointment for one lifetime, I shouldn't add to it. I sighed in exasperation. Alice had messed everything up by merely showing up and sprouting things she shouldn't have.

Sure, Bella was talking to me again this week, but she was distant. When we talked, she only talked to me about nonsensical stuff that even I could tell she wasn't interested in. It's been frustrating.

I wanted to tell her everything, I wanted to shelter her and tell her nothing. Simply, I was at war with myself, nothing new there, I'm always running in circles. Only, this time I was at war with myself but fighting for someone else -for my beloved, Bella.

My right hand became a fist and I tensed as I felt a warm hand touch my left shoulder, chasing my thoughts away.

"Jasper?" a timid voice asked worriedly. "Are you okay? I've been calling you for a while now..."

Bella.

"God, Bella," I sighed. "Don't you know better than to sneak up on a vampire?" I asked, turning to face her. Looking at her face and seeing the humor in her eyes as she stares back, I find that she's somehow managed to take away the edge off my bite and rethinking my would-be reproachful words, I burry them and find myself smirking at her instead. Like an unguent over a third degree burn, Bella's managed to calm one of my two prowling beasts and set my mind at ease with her laughing eyes.

"Are you sure you're even a vampire?" she challenges, her voice uneven with laughter. "Last time I checked, a klutz of a human like myself couldn't even dream of sneaking up on a vampire."

"Is that a challenge?"I narrow my eyes at her and smile devilishly. Seeing this as my door of opportunity, I seize it. "Why not feel my bite?" I offer. "Maybe then you can see and let me know if I'm vamp enough for ya, li'l lady?" I stalk forward, teasing, a breath away from her torturous, tantalizing warmth. "I've got a bite to be reckoned with, ma'am." Taking a precautionary breath, I bite at the air at her throat, making sure she feels my lips brushing her warm skin. I hear gasp of surprise. I close my eyes and slowly retracting, I inhale her in. Her emotions tell me she's scandalized, distracting me from the sudden want to truly break through the thin, delicate skin and feast. Beast at bay, I smile and make eye contact.

Eyes wide, she scoffs and backs away. My reaction's made her nervous, I observe, or maybe it's my eyes, they've gone black. At the same time, I feel her determination building momentum before she says, "I didn't know vampires could go soft..." Oh... it is _on_. I breathe her in and as if on autopilot, my pupils dilate.

"Now you see me," I whisper with a low purr before vanishing, "now you don't."

"Jasper?" Bella barely manages to gasp before I'm flush against her, leaving not an inch between her heat and my cool. Using some of my momentum to tumble her off balance, I propel her backwards and we begin to fall. Riveting in her panic the moment it mixes with my mischievousness and enjoying her squeal of surprise as we fall on top of her mattress, I chuckle darkly. Savoring the feel of her weight above me, I make an attempt to remember the way every single one of her soft, delicate curves accommodates to my hard, muscled planes, from her curving waist to her supple breasts pressed against my chest. Taking a moment, I delight in the sound of her stuttering heart, beating away like the fluttering wings of a butterfly trying to weather the wind. It's strong, wet, and pumping fast with mouthwatering blood...

"Are you still doubtful?" I ask of her, this sinfully smelling woman entrapped within my cradling arms. Tilting my chin upwards I smile secretly, noting that her eyes are tightly shut and that if I wasn't who I am, I'd probably would have stolen a kiss from her parted lips without hesitation. But alas, I am. "Open your eyes, Bella," I breathe out invitingly, enthralled by the way her hair cascades around us and creates a fragrant place just for the two of us without meaning to.

"Where are we?" she asks, her eyes still shut tight. I chuckle. She blushes. I hold my breath, too tempting. She frowns, unsure of my silence. I smile. I love her... and it pains me, while it puts her in danger.

"You need to open your eyes to know that, silly girl," I tease, masking my pain artfully thanks to years of Machiavellian experience. Avidly I watch, drinking her every gesture in like a dehydrated man whose finally reached that oasis that moments ago kept going out of reach. She's so imperfect and wrecked that she's stunning, a beautiful mess of a child turned woman through circumstance. I crave her like my demon craves her blood.

Slowly, trusting, her eyes open, she looks down at me, and catches me staring, admiring, and unmasked. "Hey," she murmurs and her eyes catalog me in, searching and taking apart this newly reviled, vulnerable me. I'm terrified of what she might find there or think, but she only smiles again, this time tenderly, and brushes the hair that's fallen onto my forehead to the side before tracing the exposed scar there with her index finger. "I love your scars," she proclaims. "They're like a map of who you are," she goes on to explain, seeing the doubt in my eyes, "showing me the only way to really know you..." My breath catches. One heartbeat.

"_I love you_, _Bella,_" I whisper, since I've been caught. She blushes and I wait for further reaction. Anything, a disgusted look, pity, sorrow, uncertainty, discomfort, disdain, or even contempt... expecting my deadened heart to burst any moment, but there's nothing.

"I'm sorry," she gushes, embarrassed. "Ignore me, I'm probably talking nonsense." As I thought, my confession was too quiet for her human ears to catch... My mask is back on and I'm berating myself internally, while outwardly I'm smiling. Bella looks away then with a hint of disappointment tainting her emotions. I frown, itching to ask the reason behind this emotion but knowing it'll be unwelcomed and intrusive. I sustain, ruling in my desire to ask and my desire to be closer to Isabella than the clothes between us allows.

She looks about her, still on top of me, and realizes that we're still in her room. She frowns. "We didn't go anywhere," she observes, though it sounds more like she's accusing me. She giggles and my heart swells at her mirth; two heartbeats."You tricked me."

"What better way to demonstrate how much of a vampire I really am than deception?" I counter. Bella rolls her eyes at me.

A long pause in which neither of us makes an attempt to change our current positions takes place and remains until Bella breaks it.

"What were you thinking when I startled you?"

I look away from the weight of her gaze. "So you finally find it in you to ask what you really wanted?"

"You distracted me," she admits. Something strange happens to me at her words, something unexpected. Like the line dividing the demon within from my self has finally blurred and meshed, causing an inane sense of disoriented pride to consume my every being.

Before animalistic abandonment takes hold of me, I shift us and extract myself from Bella and her warmth to somewhere safer, standing be her window. At the price of keeping her safe from myself, I've hurt her yet again. "It was nothing." My words are grave but flat, asking for her not to pursue the subject. But of course, Bella never listens and she won't start listening now. I can tell by the sudden increase of determination coursing through her.

"What are you holding?" She asks, catching me off guard. "Can you tell me that?" I remain stubbornly quite. Perplexed by how observant she is for a human and annoyed by how inattentive she was not to have heard my confession. I know, I know, I'm being irrational. "Won't you let me in?" I catch her saddened words, knowing that I wasn't meant to hear them, but having heard them, and they disarm me.

"It's... a memento," I tell her, now at the foot of her bed. Jumping slightly in surprised alarm, Bella looks up at me in wonder. I smile tentatively and open my palm to her, showing her a well worn four-petal flower that's lost its color over the years. "It used to be blue."

"May I?" I nod. Tenderly, her fingers brushed against my palm as she picked up the delicate fabric and admired it. "I bet it was beautiful..." she marveled, glancing up at me for corroboration.

Again, I nod. "It belonged to my sister, Cais," I explain, glancing lovingly at my memento.

"Your sister?" Bella asks cautiously. I smile at her, letting her know that I'm okay with anything she might want to say or ask. I wouldn't have brought up the subject if I didn't think I could handle it, after all. "I never knew you had a sister..."

"Well, Cais wasn't my sister by blood," I clarify. "But, yes, when I left my family to join the war, I left behind a sister that thought the world of me... Cais... she's my special girl."

"Oh?" Her curiosity has no boundaries, clearly.

"I rescued her from a fire, you see, and after that we formed a special kind of bond..." I began explaining and told Bella everything as she listened attentively to my story. "In the end, she died of yellow fever and I kept this for keepsake," I finished, catching Bella's tears with my thumb and casting them away.

"I'm so sorry Jasper..."

"It's okay, Bella, it happened long ago," I sooth. "My memory about it is kind if hazy anyway, because it's a human memory... like I'm trying to watch a movie through a light fog."

"I know, but you loved her... and you've kept this brittle memory with you all this years..."

"Love," I admit. "Love, present tense... that there memento, it's like I'm keeping her heartbeat alive just carrying with me, that's why." Bella's smiling, admiration pouring out of her and into me. "Like I vowed, _I will treasure this heart forever_." A rueful smile accentuates my explanation and sincerity. "I've never forgotten her, not once. Even after the inferno of my transformation and being part of Maria's army, I still remembered her and our promise and my vow to her." Because I can't look at her, I stare down at my hands and admit, "Sadly, I still can't follow where she went... And I thought I had been spared," I scoff bitterly, "wondered why it wasn't me instead of her... Only to find out that there was a worse fate awaiting me just in the horizon."

"I don't think..."

"Bella, I don't wish this form of atonement on my worst enemy, can you understand that?" My eyes are pleading with her as I find the courage to look into hers once again. "Eternity is a heavy burden... specially when you remain the unchanging while everything around you evolves and you continue to relieve the obnoxious cycle, subsist, hunger, love, and see those you love die and leave you behind. All anyone sees at the beginning is the chance for eternal beauty without thinking ahead, or of what will become of you when you no longer care for beauty, youth, or power..."

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

The days that followed my opening up to Bella were filled with questions and more question, followed by answers and stubborn denial to answer every question asked. Meaning, we've been fighting, like at present time.

"You're so, ugh, aggravating Jasper Whitlock, or whatever you call yourself these days," Bella fumed as I smiled at her cockily.

"My, my..." I clicked my tongue, "what a temper, Isabella Swan. And that would be Hale, for your information." She glares at me. "An eye for an eye," I put in for defense. Protecting the jewels, you know, and I kind of mean that quite literally. I might as well add a smile, it never hurts, and so I smile.

"Well, that's not even playing fair right there!" she argues.

I arch a brow. "Pray tell, why not?"

"For one thing, we're not built of the same stuff, you and I," she points out.

"Oh, no!" I gasp mockingly. "You finally found out I'm a man? Yes, darlin' you're all female and, yes, our anatomy _is _completely different." And I've been painfully aware of that for two and a half weeks. _If looks could kill..._ 'nough said.

"Vampire," She points at me. "Human," She points at herself.

"Ladies and Gents, Isabella Swan's just been awarded the Nobel Prize!" I holler, "Give it up for Miss Swan! Let me hear ya'all!"

"Stupid vampire!" Just like that, something that's obviously dented now flies my way and hits me on the head. _Oh, the trashcan, that's the third one this week_, I observe absentmindedly. The girl's an absolute klutz, but she's got quite an arm... hmm...

"Someone needs anger management!" I singsong. Bella blushes madly and if I had any blood in me right now, it'll all be going down south. As it is, I content myself with trying not to breathe the temptress in.

"I'm going to go see Jake," she threatens. Without thinking, I'm moving as she goes for the door, which I close before she's even opened it an inch and growl at her, my eyes darkening at her challenge. "Jasper!" she gasps, heart jack hammering but I detect no thread or scent of fear in her. Actually, she's just fuming.

"No," I demand, "you are not, little Swan. You and I have unfinished business."

"Well, we wouldn't have anything to "finish" if you would just stop being so thickheaded," She points out, scowling."Besides, Whitlock, you do not own me."

The lace of anger behind her heated words and the way she just threw my name in there has me completely distracted and in need to hear it spoken like that again. "I'm sorry, what?" I say sheepishly.

Bella gapes. "You are a lost cause. Out of my way..." She tries the door again, I don't give an inch, of course. "Statue of a man..." Grumble, grumble is all I hear after that, which is quite a remarkable achievement, what with me being a vampire with amazing hearing and all. But I'm sure she's adding more curses to my already cursed existence the longer I leave he mumbling and muttering to herself.

"Look, I'm sorry," I apologize, reigning in my teasing and retracting my influence that's been fueling the tension between us to try and dissuade the situation. Which, admittedly, I had just forgotten all about, until this very moment. The things she does to me. I might just be the first forgetful vampire in existence. Bella glares suspiciously, like she knows what I'm doing. _Scary_, I tell you, specially for a human. "No, honestly, Bella. I want you to get to know me but I can't just let you see more than a hundred years worth of my personal history after just one conversation. Even Alice, I don't believe, knows everything about me," I explain honestly, hoping she can understand where I'm coming from. "Give me some time? And stay with me today?" I plead to the human. "You don't _really _want to go see that mutt, do you?" Translation, _I _don't want you to go see that mutt and have you coming back smelling like him. "That mongrel can wait 'til tomorrow to see you, right?" _Or never, much preferable._

"I have no idea why you keep calling him a mutt, but okay." She's agreeable.

"Never mind that," I mutter quietly. I'm beaming.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes meekly, and I know she understands.

"You don't need to appologize, Bella..."

"No, please, it's just, I..." she trails off and I patiently wait for her to pick up where she left off by taking a sniff, still sinful. "I just feel like I need to know you so I can someday repay you for everything you've done for me," she confesses. "Just you being here every day, Jasper... it helps a little. More than a little, actually." She smiles to herself. I want to touch her. It doesn't matter if it's an innocent touch or intimate one, so long as I can touch her. As a precaution, I put my hands in my pockets. "I feel like, maybe, one day the hole in my chest might begin to heal if you stay standing by me."

"Until you tell me to walk away," I remind her. I can't let her words confuse me into thinking that she treats me especially. I don't think I could handle the blow of that not being so. She makes this almost unbearable when she goes off pouring her heart out to me and acting so... _cute_. Point being, I feel like I don't know myself any longer. Ever since I admitted my feelings to myself I feel like I've been unhinged at the seams of my sagacity, thus, becoming unpredictable when it comes to "rational" behavior. In other words, dangerous. Specially while trying to keep Bella from getting wind of my growing feelings for her. I have to constantly catch myself around her, which means I'm chastising myself more than ninety-eight percent of the time.

"I'll have you for eternity if you keep saying that," she warns. I can only wish and hope that somehow that might become a reality.

"For eternity it is," I vow, she just doesn't realize it.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

_**A/N: **__FINALLY! God, this took a long time, technical difficulties. The only thing I'm really sorry about is the fact that it is such a short chapter, when I compare it to the rest. But I really wanted to give you guys something TONIGHT. So here you go! Anyway, a penny for your thoughts?_


	23. Guilt

_**A/N: **__I'm just letting you awesome folks know that I went back to the previous chapter and made some changes, added a few sentences, and embellished the story some more last night, thus, making it a more appropriate length by my standards. Now, go on, enjoy!_

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**oOo**

* * *

_**Previously;**_

_"Until you tell me to walk away," I remind her. I feel like I don't know myself any longer. Ever since I admitted my feelings to myself, I feel like I've been unhinged at the seams of my sagacity, thus, becoming unpredictable when it comes to "rational" behavior. In other words, dangerous._

_Specially while trying to keep Bella from getting wind of my growing feelings for her. I have to constantly catch myself around her, which means I'm chastising myself more than ninety-eight percent of the time._

_"I'll have you for eternity if you keep saying that," she warns. I can only wish and hope that somehow that might become a reality._

_"For eternity it is," I vow, she just doesn't realize it._

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_**Ch23: Guilt**_

Gylt, as said in the Old English. By definition, guilt is the _fact_ of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime, a _feeling_ of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.

As of recent, a weighing sense of profound guilt has invaded my mind and taken my heart captive, causing my soul to shrivel and wither. Sincerely, I don't like admitting to this guilt. It only goes to show that what I am feeling is, in every sense of its definition, wrong.

I didn't want these pure feelings of love and enlightenment to be tainted by something so, _plaguing_. Simply because I can't remember the last time I felt any emotion that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, belonged only to me alone. Untainted or tangled to the other emotions trapped in the room, unadulterated, like this love I was growing into possession.

_Selfish_. The shrewd word pierced my thoughts wantonly. Wryly I found myself back to where I had started my afternoon away from Isabella, drowning in the depths of my warranted guilt.

Because one only feels guilt when one feels they've done something wrong or failed someone. And I have certainly failed someone I deeply care about, my greatest supporter in existence. No matter what I do, in the process of trying to do something right, I end up doing wrong by another. Someone's always abound to suffer by my hand, one way or another, whether I wish it so or not.

Alice, the source of my guilt and the bane of my existence, is the one obligation I am currently morally and legally bound to. Morally, I have failed her in every sense of our legal commitment. My wife, mate, keeper of my heart, guardian of my soul, and confidente, that's what Alice meant to me not too long ago.

Now, I hold her in contempt. Don't get me wrong, I still hold her close at heart in that crevice she has so rightly earned. Understanding that paths meeting and crossing to a point where they've managed to get sown together so very intricately will constantly remain tightly woven.

After all, roads have a cunning way of always leading you back to the breadcrumbs of once shared history. And history is not something that cannot be easily forgotten or dismissed. However, some things that cannot be changed have shifted. Including my love for Alice.

Case being, I can't entirely uproot my self, heart, and soul, from what I had, (or is it have?), with Alice. What's between us can't be killed, simply because I've found out what true love really feels like.

No, if anything, it makes everything feel like a caged labyrinth in which you are tangled by ropes of blazing tongues of fire. _Painful._

_Love, pain, and suffering_,I muse, _are all masochists trying to make their threesome, one too many, work in spite of their long history of tragic love affairs._

_History_.

Everyone has always been under this false impression that I love history and I've never bothered to correct them otherwise. It would often require too much of an explanation, so I leave it be. But it can be safe to say that I abhor history to the very essence of my existence.

As such, I make a habit of knowing, that which threatens my peace of mind. It falls somewhere along the lines of keep your friends close and your enemies closer. History and I are too similar in circumstance for my taste, much less my peace of mind.

As a vampire, one can never go back and change what's passed. The past is something that not even a vampire has the power to change, unfortunately. Vampires only have the power to mold our future and to see the world change, evolve, and grow while we remain the same, trapped in our past with a foot in the present and a weary eye in the future. Much like history, wouldn't you say?

I've always had more than a little trouble being part of the accepting crowd. Lack of acceptance, in a way, is what brought me to where I am today. If I had accepted the age limitations and waited until I was the minimum age to join the war, I might have avoided being turned into a vampire all together. But I don't like to play "what if's", I only know what was and what I lack the power to change, which means I leave well of it alone.

_History is history and it will continue being made, that is something I have no power over and cannot be stopped._

Closing my eyes I concentrate on the easy breeze blowing around me and the warmth of the two fifteen sun reflecting off my skin in an attempt to turn my mind off. It works for about two seconds.

_I should head home_, I think as a smile tugs at my lips at the promise of seeing Bella in another twenty minutes. Lately, this is how I've been keeping time, counting the hours, minutes, and seconds until I can see her again…

With a frustrated sigh, I swallow my guilt in an attempt to push it aside and obliterate it completely. No such luck. Opening my eyes, I glance around me and stare at my surroundings, taking every detail in and remembering every memory made on these grounds.

How I'd come here after almost killing Bella the day of her birthday and buried my sorrow and myself in its very soil. It seems like an eternity ago, even to me. Then, I didn't know I would fall in love with her, but looking back, I think I fell in love with her that very day. I can even recall the very moment with vivid clarity.

_The rain was not as cool as it should have felt against my cold, granite skin; on the contrary, it felt, almost, impeccably warm. Like the touch of delicate fingertips, warmed by the passionate whirls of life…_

_I threw my head back, closing my eyes against the falling rain that smoldered my golden strands of hair to my forehead, and relished the feeling of rain's warm caressing fingertips against my skin and senses. My facial features finally at peace as they found their medium._

_For some senseless inexplicable reason this feeling was familiar, and unfamiliar altogether. Though, I could not quite put my finger as to where or when I had felt like this before. And then, just like that, my mind put it together and I remembered the smell of memory. It was the memory of her, the memory that was she, her scent, Bella's._

_My breathing became erratic and my nostrils flared as I allowed my sense of smell to overpower my other senses. With my lids still shut taut over my eyes, I searched frantically for the source that had brought her scented memory to my undivided attention. It was driving me insane!_

My senses must be failing me_, I reason. They were expecting me to believe that, if I were to open my eyes, she would be right in front of me… standing before me, her proximity too close for comfort._

_I barely dared open my eyes, not knowing what I would find if I did. There was the possibility that I would snap at Bella for being so stubborn as to come searching for me. That is, if she was truly standing before me._

_But what if she was not standing before me, would I be disappointed? Slowly, almost with cowardice, I opened my eyes._

_My head bowed, as if in prayer, to where the scent seemed to source from. There, twisted and trapped on one of my shirt's buttons, was a single strand of Bella's brown locks._

_Just as the single strand of hair was about to detangle itself and caught in the swirling torment of wind and rain I trapped it, yet again, within my fingertips, with a delicacy I never thought myself capable of and brought it close._

_As I examined the offending lock, I inhaled and closed my eyes as they rolled to the back of my head, courtesy of the intoxicating, mouthwatering scent that emanated from the single damp lock of Bella's hair._

_Thirst._

_I drew up to a blank. Where had the familiar burning of thirst at the back of my throat gone? In truth, it was still lingering there, but why was I not feeling it as scorching as before?_

_What had changed?_

Unlike then, I knew the answer to that question today. My love for her had changed me, it was as simple as that. Even before I had realized the extent of my feelings for Bella she was changing me for the better in every unexpected way.

Sure, the monster that wanted to sate its thirst by taking her life still lurked in the recesses every time she got too close. But now, I was able to put up a good fight for Bella and remove myself from the problem before the problem got out of hand.

This unrequited love came with a price, there was no arguing that. But the more I got acquainted with her scent the more I craved the torturous burn of my thirst for her.

It made me feel, in a way, alive. Allowed me to still see some semblance of the old me, the creature that used to struggle with bloodlust while being five, long feet away from her.

Now, one foot and I still struggled, but I could resist the temptation through the constant reminder of how much I will actually suffer if she was no longer part of the world I existed in. It would be something akin to undergoing the three days burn and puling through it, only to be caged into a life of cruel service under the hand of a crueler woman all over again. Only, I wouldn't be going through any of that physically, just mentally.

Even if sometimes I had to crack open a window to purify the air, I knew that little by little I was beginning to surpass my own expectations of how far I could stretch my limits. Every day presented a new challenge, now I had two urges to control. One, the scorching thirst and two, the desire to touch and kiss Bella in a way that only a lover had the privilege of doing.

_The privilege Edward had thrown away and left behind in pieces_, I though, scowling with jealousy. That's another thing, jealousy is an ugly emotion, and I've always thought and said so. And now I found myself submersing in it every time I thought of my brother and the ways he might have cause Bella any sort of pleasure I could only wish, dream, and hope to administer.

Again, I'm a downright masochist with no sense of self-preservation. I'd go as far as twisting my own hand at every turn of this crazy love I've so willingly stepped into, just to try and pick up the pieces left behind by that bastard.

Addictive, hungry, and intoxicating, that's what my love for Isabella is. And I just can't get enough, however frightening this knowledge might be, I can't stop this freight train. Even if I wanted to, and I don't, I don't think I could stop this growing feeling of fascination and wonder I stumble upon every time I allow myself to drink the sight of her in.

With another smile, I remember bringing Bella here for the first time and explaining to her the story behind the crater I had created on the earth. That's when I first realized I couldn't deny her anything if she so much as asked. Also, I found that she cared, truly cared for me.

Isabella had been so concerned, angry even, because I had been taking all the blame of that day upon myself. Point-blank, she sorted me out good and gave me a piece of her mind, telling me I was a damned fool for ever thinking that I was undeserving of her forgiveness when there was nothing to forgive. I took that as her forgiving me, by the way.

What an astoundingly stubborn woman. Smiling like a fool, I brushed a hand through my hair self-consciously and breathed in the day, wishing she were here with me instead of having to be alone. She had gone to see the mutt today.

Despite my dislike for the mongrel, I'm not about to be as controlling as some. Even when it unnerves me to know that if something were to happen to her in the dog's territory I couldn't do anything, I at least know that that same mongrel would give up his own life to keep Bella out of harms way. And that gives me some false sense of peace of mind.

Lately, I've been counting my favorite moments with Isabella as heartbeats. Because I can almost hear it, my deadened heart giving in to her unpolished charm every time she manages to amaze me without meaning to. Like the way she described why she loved my scars, the reminders of each live I had taken in order to remain the last one standing.

My own pride over their constant reminder came with their certain bittersweet memories. Bittersweet, that's so fitting. If I were to sum up my entire existence in one word, I would say it's been bittersweet. Even my love for Isabella can be described as such.

Sighing and with a heavy stimulus of remorse caging my mournful heart, I recall the afternoon Alice appeared before us in this very clearing and I lost my way, but found my love. A sacrifice that had to be made and paid, but I direly regretted. I could have handled everything differently, made a different choice, and protected Bella too.

_What else will I have to lose to remain at her side?_, I wondered.

_Would I be capable of breaking Alice in order to fix Bella?_

_Yes_. The answer came to mind as natural as my nature continued to test the lengths I would take to deny my true nature. Shaking my head and my thoughts aside, I glanced at my watch.

Two thirty, it read. Smiling, I set off running at a pace that, despite my trying to restrain myself, wouldn't fool anyone into thinking that I wasn't much too eager to see Bella. I mean, it wasn't fooling me.

My smile slightly faltered as I felt a sudden onslaught of unsettling emotions that gave me pause. It felt like the whole of Forks, Washington was in an uproar. Hiding in the shadows of the trees I watched as Charlie blazed by to La Push in his cruise, siren blaring.

Feeling slightly apprehensive I took a moment to take apart every emotion I was receiving. There were three very distinct emotions that kept repeating themselves, confusion, fear, and immense sadness, like that of someone mourning.

I inhaled shakily, ready to run the rest of the way home to make sure that Bella was safe and that what I feared to be the truth was nothing more than my imagination getting away with me. But before I could take another step, my phone vibrated in my jean pocket.

"Hello?" I answered at the second ring. "Alice, what's wrong?" Every thought I had about Alice not keeping my mandate to never contact me unless I contacted her first completely forgotten for the time being.

"Where were you?" She demanded, sobbing. "Where were you when she needed you?" For the first time in my existence, I felt my body quiver in fear as it's cold grip squeezed at my heart. "Bella's dead!" She pules.

My vision blackened. "Alice," I said slowly, "What are you talking about?" It couldn't be true… because if it was, that mongrel was dead for failing to do his duty, even if I had to take down the entire pack to get to him.

"She's dead," she whispered and the line went dead.

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**oOo**

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_**A/N: **__Some of you guys were so enthusiastic with your responses on the previous chapter that I felt compelled to write and more than inspired. Getting reviews really stimulates my muse and keeps it running, no joke. So, a penny for your thought?_


	24. Aching Heartstrings

_** A/N: **__I'm dedicating this one to __**DevineZ**__ whose been with me since I published this story in 2008 and __**Em Hale **__whose wish became my command. Sorry for the wait, as always. Now, happy reading to all of you who've kept hoping to see this update in your inbox._

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_**oOo**_

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_**Previously;**_

_ "Where were you when she needed you?" For the first time in my existence, I felt my body quiver in fear as its cold grip squeezed at my heart. "Bella's dead!" She pules._

_ My vision blackened. "Alice," I said slowly, "What are you talking about?" It couldn't be true… because if it was, that mongrel was dead for failing to do his duty, even if I had to take down the entire pack to get to him._

_ "She's dead," she whispered and the line went dead._

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**oOo**

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**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_** Ch24: Aching Heartstrings**_

_Misery_. I was drowning in misery, with no one to rescue me from its asphyxiating depths. One foot after another, the deafening sound of my footfalls crushing the damp grass beneath my running feet, ricocheted in the soundless palpitations of my trembling heart.

Everything sounded too loud, perceived thunderously piercing through the channels of my sensitive hearing. Even the silence, in its unconditional muteness seemed to engulf me, was overbearing.

From the rhythmic rise and fall of my chest gesturing my panting, gasping breaths, labored with suffocation, to each pounding step that sent everything in my path to find refuge in a scurrying of slithers, prancing, and rustles. All of it was much too loud and resulting in a splitting headache.

If you had told me five minutes ago that a vampire could suffer a severe case of the migraines, I would have laughed mockingly in your face and told you that it would be impossible, or improbable. Now, I'd have to say I would have to eat my own words. Actually, I would even go as far as telling you that a vampire could die, again, much like with instantaneous combustion, from heartache.

Surely, the devastating fear that bit and clawed at every inch and crevice of my heart and soul and halted my process was enough to attest to my theory. It was crippling… My mind was reeling and spinning, something that also didn't happen to my kind. I should have realized the moment my dead heart started experiencing abnormal heart palpitations, triggered by a mere human, it was only be the beginning.

_Ah, love, let us be true_

_To one another! for the world, which seems_

_To lie before us like a land of dreams,_

_So various, so beautiful, so new_

_Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light_

_Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;_

_And we are here as on a darkling plain_

_Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,_

_Where ignorant armies clash by night._

In the course of pushing the limits of my body and trying to run faster than I even knew I could run, I came to a sudden, screeching standstill. Recalling the last stanza of the poem _Dover Beach_, my feet suddenly felt heavier than the weight of the world and further movement became improbable. _Atlas, I think I finally get you, buddy. _I honestly felt like the weight of the world was now resting on my shoulders, leaving me in a frozen state.

Actually, no. I had stopped moving all together as the last line _Matthew Arnold _wrote on that last stanza flooded through my mind and resonated. The jolting, gnawing feeling was similar to having been struck by lightning… reminiscent of a jumpstart for my mute heart, giving me absolute pause.

_ "Where ignorant armies clash by night."_

That line alone echoed in my thoughts and became the voice of my clamoring heart. Realization dawned on me. _Ignorance_, this one word said it all and spoke volumes, commanding the sole attention of every scattered and stray thought I'd had up until that moment. All thoughts momentarily halted, I took a moment to _accept_.

With this enlightenment came apprehension. I couldn't just barge in with a thirst for vengeance and a want for "righting" things, when I didn't even know what I was supposed to be "_fixing_". My ignorance was leading me to _assume _the worst case scenario, I concluded and saw reason.

Alice's words had been cryptic and ominous during that short, one-sided conversation, and that's what had set my mind into a jumble of assumptions. Jumping to radical conclusions wasn't helping me at all. I needed to just stop _thinking_…

Still, I could not stop my heart from aching. I had a feeling that I was about to find out I'd lost someone precious and irreplaceable, the further I continued running in the direction I was going. That was the kind of pain that threatened to make my heart burst. But I couldn't just give up and stop running towards Bella… _could I_?

However, if that was the case, would I be able to deal with the aftermath of this impending tragedy? Could I put up with this lack of knowledge, long enough to run and find out the truth and not regret my decision later? _I could run away_, I realized.

But as soon as the thought materialized, I knew I could not will myself to run away from here without _knowing_. I shook my head. I owed her that much. I respected Bella that much, enough to find out the _truth_.

"Alice _has_ to be wrong…" I hoped.

With a trembling hand, I clutched at my heart, bunching my shirt up into a wrinkled mess, and tried to slow down my breathing. Tried to bring down my panting and gasping breaths to deep inhales and exhales, to some semblance of normalcy. Watching the rise and fall of my heaving chest, I allowed my mind to wonder once again.

In my understanding, my heart was a prisoner. Incarcerated in the cold clutches of irrational fear, clouding my judgment and prudence, and there was nothing I could think or say to myself to still its undeniable fate. Only the truth could set me free.

Just as my breathing began to slow, a heart wrenching howl echoed behind me and I shivered, closing my eyes tightly. Afraid of my immobility, I forced myself to move forward. I needed to know… not knowing was killing me inside. Even my daemon was weeping at the thought that our temptress might no longer exist to tempt us another day. We could not have that.

Much too quickly my feet had lead me to where my heart had recently began to find the one place to return to and call home, Bella's home. Through the thinning thicket of trees, I spied the darkened house and hesitated.

Gathering my wits, I approached the edge of the forest line and listened. All was quiet from across the space of dividing wooded area. Not a light glowed within the house, not a heartbeat pumped, and nor a wind eased the thick tension oppressing the scenery. Everything was unnaturally still. _The clam before the storm_, I reflected cynically. I closed my eyes. _Seeing isn't believing. Sometimes, smelling is._

Still afraid, I took a sniff and Bella's scent inundated my every sense, but there was another smell that was obtruding with hers. Prepared for the familiar burn and incommodity of Bella's scent and her days old trails from coming and going to school and work, I welcomed it, unlike the other. Like an addict welcomes the sting of the syringe piercing the skin before getting the next burning fix to the vein, I relished in the burning thirst that her mouthwatering and tempting aroma induced.

However, I feared the implications behind the knowledge that the newest and most recent of her trails had been made eight hours and a half ago. _What did it all mean?_

Taking another sniff in the hopes that my keen senses were somehow failing me, my eyes flashed opened and blackened with a surge of rage that prickled from my coccyx and tingled all the way up my spine to my head. I was right, I recognized the other scent. Definitely, nothing could have prepared me for the unwelcomed whiff, the trail merely moments old.

Walking with a sense of growing trepidation, I stepped away from the thicket at the edge of the forest. Leaving the undergrowth and the wrenching howls within behind me, and slowly, silently, I started making my way to the roadside at the front of Chief Charlie Swan's house. Abruptly, I felt myself begin to suffocate again at the unanticipated sight before me.

There, parked on the Swan's residence parkway, was Carlisle's all too familiar Mercedes S55 AMG, with its tinted windows and slick, powerful lines. Only, Carlisle's scent did not accompany the memory of smell my mind conjured up for me at the sight of his car. Carlisle's scent didn't predominate, that wasn't the scent I'd been perceiving. There was only the traces of his permeated, old scents.

Caught off guard, I fought hard against the growing growl I felt growing with intensity and fury deep within my chest, until it fell voiceless. My hands turned into tight fists at my side as the unwelcomed but recognizable scent blew my way, caught in a breeze. The scent was concentrated around the car mostly, coming from within and making a single trail that lead into Bella's home.

Taking a deep breath, I moved before I could think about doing otherwise.

Silently and fast, faster than I had ever moved on pure instinct, I was standing just outside the Swan's front door. Not a floorboard creaked. With practiced familiarity, I reached a hand to the doorframe, picked up the key atop it, and unlocked the door.

Opening the Swan's front door furtively, I noted that everything was still cast in darkness. But that didn't deter me, it couldn't. I could still see, as clear as day, and smell that there was someone else standing at the center of the Swan's vestibule. The entire lobby reeked of this interloper.

_If your nose leads you to it… Bingo!_

Placing the spare key back in its rightful place, I kept my eyes focused on the lone trespasser, still unaware of my presence. Closing the door noiselessly behind me, I quickly locked it without making a sound, and grabbed the intruder by the throat from behind. Immediately, before the interloper could put up much of a fight, I forced them to face me. Holding them at arm's length, within eye level, I met the trespassers eyes and confirmed my suspicions.

"_Alice_," I greeted coldly and mentally hissed as I glared into her dark eyes. _How dare she approach this home in this obvious state of thirst?_

"Jasper," She managed to croak out around my tight grasp and now crushed windpipe. I felt her surprise and fear and my daemon feasted boastingly on it.

_So she hadn't seen me coming after all_, I thought bitterly, _otherwise, she would have avoided me_._ Probably because I hadn't made a cognizant choice to actually come in here and crush her neck, she hadn't seen me coming. I had been acting purely on instinct and not on a decisive and well thought out plan…_

"You're not putting up a fight," I observed, slightly surprised. My grip around Alice's neck tightened. There wouldn't be any room for errors, if I could help it.

"I-"

"What the hell are you doing here?" I demanded harshly. Her hands instinctively went to pry the hand attempting to break her neck away, tugging at my wrist. _Control, Jasper, control, _I reminded myself and softened my grip so she could have room to speak and defend herself, and blatant defiance.

"I wanted-" She struggled, feet kicking. I didn't relent, if anything, I gripper her tighter to make my point. She wasn't going anywhere any time soon, not until I said so. "To make- sure. I-"

"Make sure of what?" I gritted out, digging my nails and braking skin. Already, I knew what her answer would be. I just needed to hear it, like the masochist I am.

"That Bella is dead," Alice offered mournfully. I was furious at her words and honesty. But mainly, that mournfully tone of hers was rubbing me off the wrong way.

"Alice," I said threateningly, bringing her close enough so that my lips would brush against her ear, before continuing, "you never did learn when to shut the _fuck_ up." She shivered, whimpering. Leering, for I could savor and smell her fear on my tongue, I mused, "That's always been our one constant problem in our marriage though, hasn't it? You never know when to stay silent and, according to you, I never say enough… right, Ali, darlin'?"

"Jasper, no, that's-" With a grunt of contempt and disgust, I let go of Alice. I watched as she caught herself unceremoniously before she could hit the floor. Nursing her healing throat, she backed away from me and kept me in sight. Little good it would do for her, to get some distance between us. The thought alone amused me and annoyed me.

"Stop trying to back away from me," I commanded in a bored tone that made her tremble and stop immediately. "If I wanted you dead, I wouldn't be asking questions first." Honesty will always be and remain being the best policy. "Besides, it should probably be me that should be trying to stray far away from you." My jaw was working furiously, grinding my teeth together, and I was breathing so hard my nose was flaring.

"What do you mean?" She asked in bewilderment. I chuckled darkly. _Of all the times she could have chosen to play dumb, it had to be now._

"You accuse me of playing a part in Bella's…" _Death_, I couldn't bring myself to say the sickening word. Instead, I trailed off, "And then you show up uninvited, after I've told you not to show your face around her, and then I find out you aren't even sure as to what your vision showed you?"

"I had to come…" Alice insisted. "Once I saw her jump, I had to come. I needed to find out for myself and for Ed-" Alice began adding in a whisper, but I stopped her as soon as _his_ name started forming on her tongue. I had to, otherwise, I would have lost it all together.

"That's the wrong thing to say, little Ali," I snarled savagely, enraged by my own fury. This was all so petty. It was irrational, but I had to unleash it. And who better to witness it than the person who opened _Pandora's Box_? She cowered. Looking away from her, whether it was from shame or because I just couldn't stand the sight of her, I don't know. I just had to look away. Instead, I started pacing to keep myself from ripping her head right off her shoulders… _My hands need something to do, before…_

"I'm only speaking the truth!" She persisted, shaking her head. "I told him that this would end up happening, but he didn't believe me. 'Bella promised me'." -Alice mimicked his voice so well that I shuddered at the sudden pain that trailed down my chest at the evidence of Edward and Bella sharing something as simple as a promise between them. "He even warned me, 'You should stop looking into her future '," she continued, imitating him. "'We've already done enough damage'. I just couldn't do that."

"_Enough_…" I begged, barely above a whisper. But she didn't hear me. I wanted to uproot Bella's every memory of him, make it so they'd never crossed path. Even if that meant I never got to meet her. Anything to erase him from her heart…

"I swear, I wasn't looking into her future," she continued. "But just because you stop _looking_, that doesn't mean you stop _seeing._ I'm just as attuned to her as any other family member by now, and I didn't think twice about it when I saw her jump off that cliff, I got on the next plane here. I knew it would be too late, but I couldn't stay without doing anything. So I stood here with the hope that maybe I could help Charlie somehow, and then you came through the door…" She shook her head again, this time in confusion.

_Enough! _I didn't want to listen any more, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. My head was reeling as I mulled over her every word, trying to piece the situation together. Nothing made sense.

I could hear the tension in her voice and feel it in the room as she finally added in a hushed tone, "I saw her fall into the water, I waited and waited to see if she would come out, but she didn't." Her eyes beseeched me. "How could she do this to Charlie? Didn't she stop to think about the damage this would do to him? And to our brother? Did she have any idea about what Edward…"

I finally cut her off as she uttered _his _name. I had to stand up for Bella and clarify this obvious misunderstanding Alice was getting at. Alice was of the thought that Bella had been trying to commit suicide. Bella just wouldn't jump off a cliff to dull her pain, much less make it stop. I had to believe that. Maybe I should have let her continue, but I felt it was about time I interrupted her.

"Bella wouldn't do that!" I proclaimed adamantly. My words seemed to echo loudly off the walls… for a moment, it sounded like the very wind was cradling my stubbornness beyond this walls in a roar.

"But, I saw her…"

"Wait," I paused. "Does he know I'm still here?" Suddenly stopping in my tracks with a sneer twisting at my lips, I asked the first question that came out of my mouth. The one that had been gnawing at me since his name had came up. "Does he?" I turned to Alice and she flinched. I was beginning to feel very amused, if more than a little annoyed. "Well, look at that, she finally goes mute when I actually want her to speak," I mused.

Alice sharply looked up at me. Suddenly realizing that I was standing right before her again, her eyes widened and searched for somewhere to escape. _Her survival instincts are on high alert now, aren't they? _Only, my hands were on either side of her head and she was pressed tightly to the wall behind her. There was no way out, she was caged.

"Does he?" I pressed. She shook her head. "I want to hear and feel your answer, Alice. Speak up!" I demanded.

"No!" she finally cried, startling herself. "I didn't -I haven't told him… Last time he heard, you had returned home to us… and, and he's not taking Carlisle's calls…"

"Lucky for you, I find your answer satisfactory," I tease maliciously. Splaying my left palm and fingers across her throat and tracing her jaw with my right thumb. With insurmountable satisfaction, I watched as her eyes widened and she began to squirm. Oh, my daemon and I were having so much fun tonight. "Now, tell me why on earth you would accuse Bella of attempting to commit suicide when you don't sound like you're even sure of what you saw?"

"It's like I said before…" she whimpered. "My vision showed me Bella jumping off a cliff. Not falling. And I waited for her to come out of the water, but that's not what happened."

Breathing shallowly, I contemplated her words, letting them sink in. I found myself at a loss. Looking down at Alice, I stared into her familiar eyes and saw myself reflected in them. Within them, I finally found the face and reflection of my misery. I could barely recognize myself in their depths.

Never had I seen so much emotion creasing and contorting my face beyond recognition before. Not in this sad excuse of an existence. And neither had she, I realized as I felt her wonder, pain, and betrayal.

There was something else brewing in her eyes… Taking a closer look, I grasped it. There, in her eyes, laid my many accusations. Like before, I felt guilt accost and overwhelm me. I loved her, now I hate her. Did she really believe this was easy for me? For the longest time, I always felt like I was the one that loved her more than she did me. And now, she accuses me?

Once, there was a time when her eyes had been my refuge and sanctuary, where I could lose myself. Now, they only serve as a reminder of what I once held dear and now lost. When, how did everything change? Questions upon questions, guilt upon more guilt, jealousy and betrayal…

Everything that had once been so sweet, pure, and tender has been stained, destroyed by my own hands and the growing love for the one woman that will for all time remain off limits. The one woman I can't, shouldn't _touch_.

"Not what _happened_…?" My words came out slowly, almost like a drunken slur.

"It was like I was missing something…" It was barely a whisper.

"_Missing_ something?"

But before Alice could enlighten me as to what she meant, I became aware of something… a scent… and a fluttering heartbeat….

Alice and I stiffened, turning in the direction of the door.

The _click _of the front door being opened echoed in the quiet darkness, and a familiar silhouette filled the entryway. Suddenly there was a thrashing heart in the room and that _scent_…. The feminine silhouette took a tentative step into the vestibule, and one of her hands palmed the nearest wall in search of the light switch.

_How come I hadn't heard this interloper approaching?_ Right, I had been drowning in misery. Alice's eyes moved to the face of the intruder and her surge of surprise filled me, keeping me at a standstill, waiting… and _hoping._

My heart leapt slightly as my eyes narrowed and strained to see the face of this familiar figure, not that I really needed to. I could see perfectly well in the utter darkness of the room as if it were flooded with sunlight. Still, that didn't stop me from being doubtful, or thinking that her sudden return was a trick of the night… morphing shadows into shapes they shouldn't be. If this was a trick, it was a cruel one

_Could I really allow myself to hope?_

Alice moved. The shape before us froze mid search, never finding the light switch. A foreign shock of realization ran down my spine. Then, there was a muted _click _and the next moment, the entire living room was swamped with light. One pair of eyes blinked slowly at the sudden brightness, before landing on Alice.

"Bella…" I murmured, too low for any ears but my own to hear. Relief. Confusion. Trepidation. Emotions I couldn't put singular names to surged through me and again, I found myself standing at the edge of the abysm of fear. Could I truly _hope_?

Alice who back perfectly still, never taking her piercing black eyes from the face across her. I grew numb. _Was this real?_ The trespasser's knees trembled for a moment, like she was about to fall. Then, Bella threw herself at Alice.

"Alice!" I heard _her_ familiar, gentle and out of breath voice exclaim, hugging Alice fiercely as she collided with her. "Oh, Alice!" Her joy and surprise filled and I grew jealous of the fierceness with which Bella was demonstrating her feelings towards Alice.

"Bella?" Just in the way Alice said her name, I was able to hear and feel through her voice the same relief and confusion I was feeling.

"I'm... so sorry," she stammered. Again, _her_ voice."It's just... I'm so happy... to see you!"

"It's okay, Bella. Everything's fine."

"Yes," Bella sobbed, and for once I thought she actually believed it was so.

Alice sighed. "I'd forgotten how effusive you are," she commented with a hint of disapproval in her voice. Bella glanced up at Alice and stared at her, eyes filled with tears. Alice's neck had suddenly gone stiff, and she looked like she was trying not to breath, pressing her lips firmly together. Her eyes had turned pitch black once again. She was thirsty.

"Oh!" Bella exclaimed, noting the problem. "I'm sorry."

"It's my fault," Alice assured her, dismissing her apology. "It's been a long time since I left home. I shouldn't allow myself to be so thirsty around you, but I was in a hurry today." A dazzling look showed through Alice's eyes.

If I knew Alice, and I did know Alice, then I knew what was coming.

I moved.

Now an arm's length away from Alice and Bella, I gasped silently. I could feel her _warmth_ calling to me from where I stood, close but not nearly close enough. My breath fanned over Alice's face and it took all of my crumbling self-control to not snatch Bella out of her embrace.

_She's really here. _I breathed. I was feeling lightheaded. Somehow, my eyes managed to focus and there stood Bella, looking stiff with cold, but happier than she had been in days. I let go of the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and took a tentative step in their direction. Alice shook her head. I ignored her. I needed to feel her warmth and reassure myself. Just then, her eyes landed on me.

Full of surprise, she whispered my name too, "Jasper?"

Even though I was less than a foot away from touching her, my steps halted. I was afraid to move. Terrified that my ears and eyes were playing tricks on me and I hadn't heard the right voice, or imagined it. Many times have I heard her tongue caress my name, but never had it sounded as sweet as today.

"Bella…" My voice sounded like sand and smoke, too telling. But at this moment, I didn't care if she found me out. The dam that had been keeping my love for this woman locked away was suddenly crumbling and everything I've ever felt for her was overflowing.

Without thinking about it, I opened my arms wide and invitingly to Bella. She smiled, understanding. Disentangling herself from a stunned and disbelieving Alice, Bella stepped into my embrace and her warmth enveloped me, melting away the frost in my heart. Again, as impossible as it is, my heart was palpitating. _I was home._

I hugged her fiercely against my stone body and inhaled her in, paying no mind to the probability that my doing so might actually hurt her. I just needed to feel her close. Breathing her in, I frowned. She smelled… _different_. There was her usual smell, but then there was also a dampened smell and something else _distasteful_, and just _not _Bella.

"God, Bella…" I murmured against her hair, practically purring.

"I missed you too," she chuckled, hugging me back just as fiercely in an attempt to hide her blush from me. She had no idea… "But, Jasper, I can't breathe."

"Sorry," I mumbled sheepishly and loosened my hold. "But, Bella, where have you been?

"Yes, sorry to interrupt," Alice interjected. "But can you explain to us how is it that you're still alive?" Alice, always so tactful.

"You saw me fall." It wasn't a question.

"No," Alice denies, squinting. "I saw you jump."

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_**oOo**_

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_** A/N: **__Since this chapter was supposed to be so much longer, I'm going to divide it in two so you guys can have something to hold you until the second half… or maybe I'll just repost it? Honestly, this chapter is so important that I almost didn't publish it… but I didn't want to make you guys wait so long. *POUT* Good thing is, the second part is well under way… Your thoughts?_


	25. Severed Heartchords

_**Previously;**_

_ "I missed you too," she chuckled, hugging me back just as fiercely in an attempt to hide her blush from me. She had no idea… "But, Jasper, I can't breathe."_

_ "Sorry," I mumbled sheepishly and loosened my hold. "But, Bella, where have you been?_

_"Yes, sorry to interrupt," Alice interjected. "But can you explain to us, how is it that you're still alive?" Alice, always so tactful._

_ "You saw me fall." It wasn't a question._

_ "No," Alice denies, squinting. "I saw you jump."_

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_** Ch25: Severed Heartchords**_

_Time… time is running out, but already the thought of another day without you is unbearable, and I start to feel the sting of tears that can never fall..._

_ I started to see the beauty of a beginning, and the eclipsing sadness encompassing its ending..._

_ How it hurts, this fear of having you. How can I have you, Isabella Swan, when the very _notion_ of losing you already wounds?_

_ Isabella, your embrace is a respite, just a chaste kiss from you keeps me _alive_; your gaze is a beautiful sunrise. Did you know?_

_ Since I've waited so long to see, feel, something so immense, watching it reach its end is very heartrending..._

_ How it hurts, this fear of _having_ you. How can I have you, when the very _notion_ of losing you already wounds?_

_ Isabella, losing you impairs…_

_ Since I've waited this long to see, feel, something this immense, watching it reach its ending is agonizingly torturous._

* * *

_**oOo**_

* * *

"Why is everything with you so damned complicated, Alice?" I wanted to know. No, _needed _to know. I was currently growing more and more aggravated with the subject of my exasperation, Alice, by the minute. And to top it all off, being away from Bella for such an extensive length of time, three days, wasn't aiding the situation to her favor. "You've never been easy to love, and now this?"

But it had been my own decision, after all. I had decided to be the better man and in spite of all the warnings going off in my head, I'd given Bella and Alice some alone time. Given that I couldn't stand being in the same room with Alice without showing animosity, especially with Bella around, I had opted myself graciously out of the picture.

Besides, Bella wanted the closure, I could tell. Only, Alice just couldn't leave things alone and wouldn't keep away and just be with Bella. _So here we were._

Leaning against a tree trunk, I tried very hard to keep my arms tightly wound and crossed over my chest without showing any of the overflowing aggravation sprucing inside my innermost devil.

Meanwhile, Alice was a few feet in front of me demanding answers to questions that I hadn't even thought about or come to a reasonable conclusion about. Basically, she was interrogating me like the devil she _is_. And I didn't want to have any of it. Only, I was. Alice needed this and I needed her to have this, this closure.

After all, it is the best I can do, given that I have decided to take the blame for this entire situation, which I'd created to begin with. The ending of a marriage that had meant everything to me, _thirsting_,_ venom_,_ breathing_,_ dying_,and_ existing, _for so long that I'd nearly forgotten what being my own entity meant.

"How did we come to this?" Alice asked, ignoring my question. "You promised me, Jasper. You promised me '_forever_' when we vowed ourselves to one another."

I scoffed. I couldn't help it. "And I promised Bella an _eternity_," I countered. "Unless she sends me away…"

Again, the very idea of not being near Isabella, close enough to touch her, made me shiver as if my heart had been suddenly clawed and stripped to shreds and then succumbed ashes by something so foreign and cold I couldn't fathom a name for it.

Alice frowned, torn between my answer and her brewing questions. "That's… 'Eternity' and 'forever' are one and the same in meaning, are they not?" Alice asked resoundingly and filled with crippling confusion. "Why is it that you are making it sound as if they are not, Jasper?"

_ Because they are not_, I wanted to state. Instead, I answered, "You're right. _Essentially_. 'Eternity' _is_ a synonym of 'forever', after all. However, I've personally given it a much profound meaning, in avertedly so, the moment I made my promise to Bella."

This was as honest as I could get, and if Alice didn't get it, she never would.

"The word 'forever' just seemed so _childish _when I first made my proposal to her. I just couldn't bring myself to say it. Bella needed -_needs_- more than a simple forever from me, in the state she's been in."

I knew each of my words was adding insult to injury, but I just couldn't find it within myself to stop the flow of my words. Alice's face hardened and crumbled under my telling words. Even though I know I have no right to be speaking for Bella, I feel so strongly about this that I just can't find it in me to do the proper thing and leave it the well alone.

"On the other hand, 'eternity', well, that just seems a more appropriate word to associate with Bella." I mused, "It fit the image of a man making a promise to a well deserving woman, whom he has, every intention of keeping and will keep." _A declaration, if I ever heard one…_

Alice looked like I'd just slapped her across the face with a wrought iron. "Does she mean that much to you?" she asked scornfully. Instantly, I could see how she'd regretted her words. Frayed and caught in between her want to hold on tight to me, her mate, and her loyalty to her friend, and possibly family. This was as much unfamiliar territory as it was to me. I sympathized, but not enough to lie to her.

"She does." Two words, softly, simply and spoken. Honest words that I hadn't allowed myself to admit out loud before for fear of being completely consumed by their foreign endeavor. Not that the opportunity had presented itself before this moment, in the first place. "To me, Bella is blood, oxygen, and the very ground I stand on.

Alice's sorrow hit me like the first licks of the frozen venom that still licks and burns within my veins during its last stages, right before it lastly freezes you in time and condemns you to wander this forsaken earth aimlessly and without penance.

"Why?" Her question, drowned in anguish, disbelieves, and defiance caught me by surprise. For the first time in a while, Alice sounded heartbreakingly honest, like a lost child, with no preamble for later deception. Even her eyes, boring into mine felt more honest than I had ever witnessed. Meaning, she wasn't asking for the sake of asking. Alice wanted and needed to know. "Why can't I be enough for you?"

My head hung in shame at her question. "It's…" I was at a loss for words. For a moment, as I was about to answer, I realized that I didn't know how to answer Alice's question. I paused.

I had asked myself this very question several times in the past, when I still felt like I was the only one giving and giving, and though I never expected something in return, I yearned for some sort of reciprocation that never did present itself.

Frowning, I thought and organizing my thoughts, started over. Speaking slowly, I voiced my answer, "It's not that you're not _enough _Alice…"

"What is it then?" The taste, feel, and sight of her blatant desperation had me drowning right into her despair without warning. "Did I do or say something wrong?" My fingers balked into the tree trunk, trying to hold on to something that would offer some means of grounding. "Can't we fix this? Tell me we can…"

"Alice, it's just…" My words fell and faded away from me, again. I shook my head, thinking of our beginnings. Looking into her eyes so that there wouldn't be any misunderstandings I said, "I've always felt like I was the only one in our relationship trying to move us forward, Alice. I was always the only one trading water, trying to keep us afloat."

"That's-"

"I think I began to feel like this sometime after our commencement. After a while, it seemed like I was the only one willing to show my love, the one wearing my heart on my sleeve," I added before she could interrupt my thoughts. "Giving and giving… always giving, without seeing the fruit of my love for you flourishing… no matter how much I showered you with my love, I-" I sighed despondently. "You are not easy to love, Alice, like trying to sow in barren grounds, frustrating and maddening!"

Alice took a staggering step back, struck by my tactless wording. I could feel my pupils dilate and my eyes darken as my every emotions coursed through me. "I've always loved you more than you've loved me, Alice," I stated lamely.

"I know it seems that way, Jasper but-" she began desperately, but I cut her off.

"Maybe… I've just reached my limit?" I frowned. _Was I expressing and wording my thoughts correctly?_

"That's because!" Alice sniveled.

"Because what?" I demanded, losing patience.

"Because, since sometime after our beginning, I've been so afraid to fully give myself to you," she admitted, shivering. "So, so afraid…"

My frown deepened. "And why is that?" I wondered, sincerely curious, but despondent and showing none of it. In fact, my words came out callously.

Alice's eyes widened. Even I was surprised at my own detachment and plain lack of sympathy, which managed to shine through without my say so. _I'm on the defensive_, realized_. _Though I was entertaining this conversation, it was one I didn't want to have. But I knew Alice needed this conversation. If there was ever the slightest possibility of her letting go of me graciously, I needed for her not to have any regrets.

"Because I had seen this," -she motioned between the two of us- "us, growing apart and no longer able to meet each other halfway. Since, I began living in fear of its impending and unavoidable approach."

"From the beginning…" _So she has always known? Of course she did, _I thought with bitter contempt. My eyes narrowed suspiciously and a hiss stretched my lips tight. _Had I never been meant to be hers for the take?_

"No!" She shook her head, eyes wide and honest, understanding my train of thought. The one thing I had always thought we were good at, understanding. "I didn't know! I never knew the _when_ or _who, _until I saw the two of you the day I returned," she explained rushed. "The way you were looking at her… when she asked you…" Alice gulped, as if it physically pained her to do so. "I didn't know it would be Bella…" She flinched.

Trying to absorb all this and rationally think about this new bit of information, I burrowed deeper into the trunk I was leaning against, causing it to groan and creak in protest as I waited for Alice to once again collect herself.

_This is just too much_, I decided after a long moment of pregnant pauses and mulling. I felt deceived. Like all along the snow I'd been treading on suddenly turned out to be ashes… ashes that I was currently trying to swallow and chocking on, only to keep on gagging in it residual acridness.

"I just _saw_ you would be taken from me," she finally whispered in a croak. "I saw it happen progressively." Intently, I listened for a hint of a lie in her words. "First, the distance between us growing, until you completely forgot all about 'us' and went chasing after the vision of _her_…" Alice continued reluctantly. "So amazed were you, a dreamer without night, suddenly able to defeat your true nature and dream."

Sighing, she looked away from me. "All these, I knew… and all these I feared. But, even though I _knew_, I did not _know _at what point it would all happen. Therefore, I took my heart and locked it away, thinking that if I made myself indifferent to your love, when this moment came, I wouldn't get hurt… but, Jasper, it still _hurts_…" she cried through a chockfull of dry tears.

Though I felt her pain as my own, I couldn't find it within myself to feel any sort of sympathy for her self-imposed dilemma. It was just impossible. Not after thinking back to all those moments in which I'd tried to reach out to her.

How many times had I tried to show her through my actions that I needed her? Only to find that, seemingly, my advances were not reciprocated, there's no chance. Many nights had found me wandering aimlessly in an attempt to get away from Alice and her cold 'love' for me, to feel any _empathy_ now. Instead, I felt a cold grip take hold of me, steeling my heart.

"Instead of living in that fear, maybe you should have shown me just how much you wanted and needed me at your side," I finally uttered, my tone merciless. I chuckled dryly as the realization that I didn't know Alice, after all our time together, hit me. "You should have put aside your fear to fearlessly love me." Really, it would have been that simple. _Why live in fear of something that has _yet_ to happen?_ "Maybe then, this wouldn't have happened and you could have kept me oblivious by your side."

Alice jolted from head to toes at my unsympathetic words. Still, I had more to say. "You know, Alice, there was a time during which I would have given an arm and a leg just to see you reach the zenith of your love for me."

For the first time since I've been enduring this existence, I felt tired and tattered. In fact, I didn't even have it in me to feel any more disdain towards her. I just wanted this conversation to be over and move on so that I could run to Bella. To get the chance to once again hug and hold her, until I'm satisfied that my senses are right and that she's still as warm and floral as I remember her to be.

If possible, I felt robbed of something precious. There have been so many things I had shared and explicitly exposed of myself to Alice that I now know, unlike then, should only belong to Bella. Moments, fears, happiness, time, conversations, connections, blundering efforts, caresses, my soul's exposure, and my never reaching love… all of these things, I never should have allowed Alice to see, feel, hear, or experience. I know better now. But somehow, despite my antipathy, I can't regret any of it.

"Jasper, surly, you felt my love… even when I didn't show it?"

Sadly, I smiled at Alice. She shook. "Alice," I began gently, "it's never been about what I have or haven't felt. It's always been about what you've never said…"

"But you felt it right, my love for you?" She was now grasping at straws, desperate.

"Even so, how was I to know, from just feeling, that your love was, is as encompassing as my own was for you? Or that those feelings were meant for me?" I tried explaining. "Not that I'm accusing you of anything… just showing you how desperate my mind had grown from lack of your verbal confirmations."

Even so, I cannot regret loving Alice the only way I knew how back then. In some immeasurable ways, she made me grow and in others she hindered my growth, but most of the time, we grew together and explored. Alice would endlessly be irreplaceable within my heart and mind, only my love for her has now developed into something more filial than Agápe love I had thought it had started with.

"I love you, Jasper, so please, just give me another chance!" Alice suddenly burst, holding fast to my forearms and imploring pleadingly into my eyes. "Please, give me another chance to show you how encompassing my love for you is." My eyes flashed and I pulled myself away from her gripping reach.

"Even a broken faucet that continuously drips will reach a point where its water will evaporate." My answer was simple and weary, but true, if ostensibly senseless. Next, my words were a bit less honest, but not less driven. "Same goes for the love I once felt for you, it has _wholly_ evaporated, Alice. There's only the filial aspect of it now… This is our end, Alice."

Alice shook her head stubbornly. "Even so, evaporated water will become a cloud, eventually, and then, hopefully, it'll pour once again."

Dryly, I laughed. "That might be so, but even rain rarely falls in the desert. And, Alice, honestly speaking, through our days together, you have managed to render me as desolate as a desert." Unable to stop myself and wanting to prove my words, I reached out for Alice this time and stood before her.

"How can you say that?" More than ever, Alice looked like a broken china doll in my eyes. Just like a doll, beautiful and frightening, all in one, the vision of death taken form. Much like her former human counterpart, or what I have imagined her being as a human, and just after her change.

"No matter what you might think, Alice, this isn't easy for me," I confessed. "So, please, don't make it any harder than it has to be and extinguish all hope of there ever being an 'us' again. You will always be irreplaceable and you will always have a special place in my heart. But, just, don't confuse that with lingering love."

"What does that mean?" she asked confusedly. My head tilted to the right and then the left, trying to find a way through which to voice my desire without crushing my former lover. "Jasper, what are you asking of me?" I could not help but smile demurely at her broken question. Of course, Alice would have an idea of exactly what I was asking of her. _She just hopes she doesn't. _"Do you hate me that much?"

"Oh, Alice…" Gently, like I used to, I caressed her high cheek with nimble fingers. Alice leaned into my touch, allowing her defenses to lower as her eyes fell closed. "Hate you? I don't hate you." She sighed. I felt _nothing_. "In order for me to hate you, I'd have to have my mind filled with thoughts of you. And that requires a lot of time and energy that I could spend thinking about Bella."

"You are too cruel…" she murmured.

"Honesty often is," I accepted with a demure smile. "So you see, I don't have the energy to hate you, Alice." By now, I had grown so familiar with the planes of her form that I no longer viewed this simple touch as exploring or rememorizing something precious, like I once had. Sighing, as if saying, "_See?_" I stopped.

"If only I could hate you…"

"Release me…" I simply whispered, pleaded. Allowing my hand to fall back onto my side, I waited and did not breathe. Alice's eyes sharply reopened, boring into mine and searching for any tell-tale signs of that spark we had once shared. There was none. Sighing in defeat, she hugged herself as if trying to barricade her tumbling emotions from me, an impossible feat.

Immediately, I wanted to erase the memory of her touch from my skin. Unable to stop myself, I found that I was comparing this forced moment with Alice with my memory of Bella's warm, heated touches. Clearly, there was no comparison.

There was no question; I craved Bella's touch, while I now abhorred Alice's. But not quite _hate_. _That line, between love and hate, sure is a fine one,_ I realized. It was as if everything I had once loved about Alice, I now rejected unconsciously and to a frightening level.

"I can't…" she sobbed, shaking her head and causing her inky hair to swish. I stepped back, needing to distance myself from Alice and her spilling mortification.

"You have to." My words were gentle, but firm and, yet again, pleading. Even if I never allowed myself the pleasure of letting Bella know the nature of my feelings for her, I still needed to know that I had the power to do so, if I so wished it, freely. Without any strings attached to Alice.

"Can't I hope…?"

"I thought I'd made myself very clear in this regard earlier in our conversation?" My response came in the form of a broken smile that stretched but did not reach my black eyes. The stoic action made my mouth feel formless and a little painful. Vehemently, I shook my head in a negative. I couldn't leave room for misunderstanding later, or much less _hope_.

"I can't accept it," Alice said simply, ever so stubbornly.

"Alice…" I hissed in warning.

She shook her head. "Don't expect me to let you go, just because you requested it, Jasper," she hissed back. Her own eyes black now, she added, "Especially because it's Bella, a mere _human_. How could you've chosen _her_ over me? I can't. I cannot fathom it."

Hissing as Alice degraded Bella, I angrily said, "Not long ago this mere _human _was on her way to becoming a friend and possible family to you, to all of us." My snarl crowded our surroundings, echoing.

"That was before she had the audacity to take my husband's sight away from me and redirected it on herself!"

I scoffed. "Alice, but for merely existing, Bella has played no part in my change of heart. There has been no seducing on her part. The fault falls entirely on me." Taken aback, Alice stared, brow furrowed and unwilling to accept the spelled out truth of my betrayal. "I started loving her without even meaning to and in doing so, completely eclipsed every feeling I had once thought of as love."

"That can't be…"

"I too thought like that. Before Bella, I had not the slightest idea of what love is…" I mused. "I didn't understand to what _level _love could truly transform someone, e_specially_ someone like me."

"I can't do this. I can't listen to this…" Alice burbled, turning away from me and my words with her hands over her ears. Lightning fast, I held steadfast onto her wrist, stopping her retreat. "You can't make me listen," she pleaded pathetically.

I ignored her. "For the first time, Alice, since this damned existence has sentenced me to walk this earth and watch over and over again as everyone around me I've ever cared about died, I felt like I could finally _forgive _myself," I divulged, breathing my words into her ear. Despite the situation, I could hear my smile and feel my excitement. "I never thought it possible, Alice, but I've finally learned how to love _myself_…"

"You are much too cruel…"

I shook my head. "No, Alice, I'm simply being honest. Like I said before, honesty, sometimes, can be very cruel especially when you don't want to hear it. That's why, until you forced me to realize it, I hadn't allowed myself to bask in the fact that I had fallen ever so hard for Isabella Swan."

"Don't say her name!" she whispered, lips quivering. "I shouldn't have said anything… I shouldn't have seen…"

"It wouldn't have changed anything."

"Perhaps," she admitted, glancing over her shoulder to look at me with a pained expression as she released her wrist from my hold. I allowed it. "But it could have bought me the time I needed to win you back. Now, I feel like I can't even touch you, even when you are this close." For emphasis, she flushed her back against my chest. "See?"

The first thoughts that came into my mind as our bodies made contact were rather surprising. I couldn't help but wonder, _how did I ever think we fitted perfectly?_ _How had it ever escaped me that I began where she ended? _Who would have thought that the one formed to fit my mold would be a human girl, as perfect to me as her imperfections allow her to be.

"You could chase after all the time in the world, Alice, but you no longer hold the same appeal you once had in my eyes," I stated woefully. "There's no way you can remedy that now… Even so, I don't regret loving you. You'll always remain as someone irreplaceable in my history."

"There must be a way…" She hoped. In that instant her eyes clouded over and I cursed myself for worrying. _Old habits would die hard, if at all. _Suddenly, she was smiling triumphantly. "What would you do if she ever decided to go back to him, to Edward?"

It was my turn to back away from her. "I know who you are referring to," I hissed. "There's no need for you to clarify." Alice had just pierced me with a verbal dagger through the heart with that undignified question. "Is that what you saw?" I demanded in a harsh whisper without looking at her.

"Well then, would you be able to let her go?" she challenged.

I could not picture myself letting Bella go back to her bad habit, and so my immediate mental response was a solid 'no' that turned into a doubtful one as Alice's smile grew ever so smug with my insecurity. Fear. Fear of losing Bella to someone undeserving of her love tormented me, though it had no right to. _This is just plain irrationality_! I thought aghast.

"Is that what you saw?" I demanded again, my barely concealed rage causing the leaves around us to bronze and wither. Alice shivered, but her smile did not wane.

"I'll take that as a no then," Alice announced cheerily. "Maybe if you ask her in a subtle way she won't notice you're being controlling and won't hate you and come to love you." She taunted.

I scowled. Now she was just being cruel and twisting that dagger deeper into my heart. Running through different scenarios of Edward's return made me see red. The imagery was so vivid in my mind that I could just see it unfold before me.

I could vividly picture him coming back and asking for Bella's forgiveness and maybe even a second chance to be the one to hold her heart, like he has the right to do so. Then, just as vividly, I can see Bella, readily accepting his love, and forgiving him without question, happily reunited with her love. It left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I couldn't accept it. I wouldn't.

But just as I reached this conclusion, the image of a scenario in which I begged Bella to stay away from my brother unfolded and I watched as Bella's rich brown eyes turned from kind, to resentful, and then hateful. All aimed at _me_. I couldn't have that either.

Staggering back from the image, I knew I couldn't do that to her when the time came, and it _would _come. Alice had, in her own twisted way, warned me of much. Running a hand haphazardly through my hair, I chased the imagery away and refocused on the now. When the time came, then and only then, I will know how to respond in kind.

Alice's eyes unfocused and her face blanched as they refocused on me once again. "You…"

"I'll say and do what she needs me to say and do… even if it means tearing my own heart out and offering her the stake to pierce it with."

"How can you touch her so easily?" Alice asked instead, trying to distract herself.

I chuckled. "Easily? No, Alice. By all means, touching Bella isn't easy… it burns every time, but it's so addictive, I have to do it and can't keep myself from going back for a taste of her inferno… as torturous as the venom that coats our tongues and veins…"

"How?"

"How can I put myself through that?" I offered.

Alice nodded.

"I love her," I simply stated. Alice flinched. "I need her touch as much as I need the blood that sustains us."

"I love you."

"I know now…"

"Sorry." I waited. She added, "I still can't bring myself to accept that I've lost you…"

"She still can't accept that she's lost Edward, but she knows she has," I pressed gently. Alice's eyes moistened with anguished sadness.

"Promise me something, Alice?" Her eyes beseeched me. "Promise me that no matter what you won't disappear from our lives?" Alice looked doubtful for a moment so I hasten to add, "If not for my sake, do it for Bella. She doesn't know."

"But she will…"

"Not yet," I added firmly. "_If _I let her know, then we can come to some sort of term when it comes to that…"

"You're asking too much," she reproaches.

"I am asking you not to abandon your _friend_," I simplified. "This time around, it won't be like with Edward. I won't allow it. I can't stand seeing her fall apart a second time."

"Because you love _her_…"

"Because I love her," I affirmed.

"You loved me once too," she reminded me.

"Once," I agree.

"So how can you ask me to watch as you move on to love someone besides me? Aren't you being too pitiless?"

"I am," I agree, once again. "But it is for her… and I would do and be anything she needs me to do and be, even if that means twisting your arm."

"What about me?"

"What about you, Alice?"

"I can't make any promises…" she finally caved. I smiled.

"Thank you…"

"This isn't over," she warned. And I could feel the threat and truth of her words. It wasn't over. It never would be.

"I know," I acknowledged.

"I've never seen you like this…" Alice trailed off in wonder.

"I haven't seen Bella in three days, let's go back," I briskly announced. This wasn't part of severing a long term relationship route I was willing to venture into right now.

"It suits you," she complimented, though slightly begrudging.

"I'm going," I interrupted. "You may fallow if you wish."

Putting away thoughts of brown eyes looking at me hatefully, I decided that would know how to react when the time came. Turning on my heel and without waiting for Alice to respond, I ran towards home, towards Bella.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Now closer to the Swan's home and with the door in sight, I picked up signs of a commotion inside. Bella's heart was hammering along with another and her emotions were at war. Suddenly, the house phone rang and a surmountable amount of irritation made me stop. A male voice spoke into the phone, almost in a bark and I knew _who _the source of Bella's sea of dizzying emotions was. _Jacob Black._ The thought of his name and his proximity to Bella made me angry with rage.

The air reeked of him, even all the way out here. With a low growl, I began running again and as a means of distracting myself and calming my own growing irritation, I thought of what had happened three days ago in this very home.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

_"Alice, I wasn't trying to kill myself," Bella clarified. _

_ Something in her tone and emotions made me doubt her, though I tried not to. Even Alice was staring after her dubiously, but that was to be expected. To Alice, what she saw on her visions was the sole truth. _

_ "So you're telling me you didn't jump off a cliff?" Alice countered._

_ "No, but..." Bella made a face. The growing knot in my stomach twisted as a little tell-tale feeling made its self known to me and my gift. "It was just for fun." Alice's expression grew stern, while mine creased with unease and worry. "I had seen some of Jacob's friends doing it," she insisted. "It seemed... fun, and since I was with them..." Alice and I waited. "It never occurred to me that the storm would affect the currents. In reality, I didn't give much thought to the water." _

_ This much, I knew was true. I could feel and taste it in the air. Still, it wasn't like Bella to be so careless… something was amiss here. My gaze fell on Alice, gauging her reaction. As expected. Alice wasn't buying a word of it, I could tell. And, honestly, though I did not wish it to be so, neither was I. _

_ However, I clearly noted that she was still thinking that Bella had done this with the intention of committing suicide. Stubbornly, I still held hope that that hadn't been the case. Deep down, from what Bella's emotions were telling me, I knew there was more to this story than an attempted suicide gone wrong. Though, obviously, she hadn't done it, as she was trying to lead us into believing, "_just for fun_"._

_My gaze switched over to Bella with intrigue, as a sudden surge of determination filled the air. It was emanating from her. Glancing into her brown eyes, I knew. A diversion was brewing and forming behind those twin pools of coffee. _Wait for it…

_"But if you saw me there, how come you didn't see Jacob?" I had to hand it to the girl; it was a legitimate question and a good diversion. I chuckled silently as Alice cocked her head, distracted, and Bella continued, "It's true that I probably would have drowned if Jacob had not jumped in after me. Well, okay, there's no question of probabilities, I would have drowned for sure, but the fact is that Jake got me out of the water, and I suppose, I crawled to the beach, I don't remember that part." _

_ So I owed the mongrel her life after all. The realization left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I was too thankful to let the thought annoy me for too long. "Perhaps he was over a minute under water until he caught me. Why didn't you see that?" _

_ Alice frowned and I could feel her puzzlement teasing my taste buds. "Someone rescued you?"_

_ "Yes. Jacob saved me." Bella and I watched Alice curiously as a series of enigmatic thoughts passed fleetingly across her face. Something was bothering her... _

Had her vision been imperfect? _I wondered. I wasn't sure. I mean, it was rear for Alice to have an imperfect vision, but it had happened in the past. And sometimes, she just missed vital points due to indecisiveness. Then Alice deliberately walked over to us, bent over, and sniffed Bella's shoulder. _

_ Bella froze. I swallowed an irrational urge to snarl at Alice for making Bella react the way she had. But more than anything, I hated that she had stepped so closed to the pair of us, and she had had the nerve to go about sniffing Bella right under my nose._

_ "Don't be ridiculous," Alice murmured, meanwhile sniffing Bella some more. Taking several steps back and making sure Bella followed, I put some distance between Alice, Bella and myself, a low, warning growl forming deep in my chest._

_ "What are you doing?" Bella asked and since I wasn't sure at whom she was aiming the question, I remained silent and ignored the question._

_ Alice too ignored her question. "Who was with you, just a moment ago?" My eyes snapped to hers, but she wouldn't look at me. So she had_ known. _No wonder she had lowered her voice to a whisper… "It sounded like you were arguing."_

_"Jacob Black," Bella answered. My hands instinctively wrapped themselves around her waist, hating the sound of another male's name on her tongue. "He's… my best friend or something like that." I felt a pang at her words. Then shock. "At least he was…"_

_ I've always looked upon people who lived their lives in a state of constant jealousy with contempt. That's why, when jealousy cursed through my veins just now, I knew exactly what emotion was being invoked by the words of the human in my arms. If I hated experiencing this emotion secondhand, then you can imagine just how much I reviled experiencing it firsthand. I was appalled at myself. _

_ Glancing down at Bella, my jealousy increased tenfold as I suspected she was thinking about him, _Jacob. _There was a feeling of doubt, sinking, and loss. I swallowed my snarl, realizing I'd just scare her and, probably, send her running from my arms into Alice's. I didn't want that. Still needing the reassurance that she was _really_ here and the only way to do that was to feel myself wrapped around her warmth, I ruled it in._

_"What?" Bella sounded indignant as she glanced between Alice and me, noting our concern for the first time. _

_ "I don't know," Alice commented. "I'm not sure what this could mean."_

_ "Well, at least I'm not dead." _

_ At Bella's words, Alice's eyes turned to that familiar state of blankness I was so used to. The same eyes that had always sent me running to her side in order to ensure her protection or simply ask what she was seeing, and or how I could ease any uncertainty. Now, I struggled with myself to not do the same. Fighting force of habit, I grounded myself as I inhaled Bella's scent and wound myself even more around her._

_ Bella gasped slightly as my fingers accidently skimmed over the inch of exposed skin just below her navel. "Jasper…"_

_ "Sorry," I mumbled, almost too huskily. Bella shivered. She's so warm there… I wanted, no, _needed_ to tou-_

_Much too sudden, Alice's eyes became unclouded again and her eyes immediately landed on the pair of us, accusingly. Though Bella failed to see this, I didn't. I saw the hardening of her eyes, the fractional, unsure step in our direction, the steadying breath she had taken, followed by her eyes closing tightly, and finally, deciding to pretend that nothing had happened._

Well done, little Ali. Someone's learning…

_ "He's behaved like a fool, thinking you could survive on your own." _Or maybe not_, I mentally scowled. Outwardly, I glared at Alice. She ignored me. "I've never known someone to so blatantly play with their live."_

_"I survived," Bella pointed out once again._

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Bella had indeed survived, but she had also become aware of a threat that I hadn't wanted her to become aware of -Victoria. And just like the little magnet for all kinds of supernatural trouble she is, Bella considered the mutt, Jacob Black, to be her best friend and ray of sunshine, or something to that nature. I hated it. Especially how he had rang her house phone to make sure that she was still _alive_.

Just as quickly as the memories of that day and my thoughts had invaded my mind, they vanished as I felt Alice's delicate but strong palm pressing onto my left shoulder.

"Yes, Alice?" I asked irritably and without turning.

"Edward's in trouble." Her words brought me to an abrupt halt. Did she honestly think I would care about Edward after everything we've talked about? Especially after seeing my reaction every time his name was brought up?

Glancing over my shoulder at Alice all my thoughts stopped. No. Alice wasn't trying to provoke me. Something was really going down and she was concerned.

Rolling my eyes, I pinched my nose between my thumb and forefinger. "Alice, for heaven's sake, what's that Yankee gotten himself into this time?" Despite myself, I was worried about the brat. Family will be family after all, no matter just how badly they've wronged you and those you've come to love.

"Who was it?" I could distinctly hear Bella ask from within her home.

"He thinks Bella's dead," she answered. I could see the appeal, same as I could see the problem.

"Pray tell, Alice, what do you want me to do about Edward and his biased assumptions?" I asked irritably.

"He's going to the Volturi," Alice pressed.

"That was him on the phone, wasn't it?" I hissed. _Did he always need to be so overdramatic with everything?_ Then again, I understood, better than anyone, the feeling of thinking I'd have to endure through a world without Bella. Maybe, this time around, he isn't being overdramatic. "Get him on the phone. _Now_. Before he does anything stupid."

"He's already done so."

"Great," I gritted out.

"We need to tell Bella."

"You're right," I agreed begrudgingly. "Come."

* * *

_**oOo**_

* * *

_**A/N: **So... I know, I know, it has been a really long time since my last update, my sincerest apologies. Just, this chapter was a hard one to write because of how complex ending a relationship is. There's no way that there'd be no lingering feelings there... even if they are not of a romantic nature! Please, let me know how I did? R&R? See you guys soon._


	26. Life Line

_**A/N: **__Now, this is a little treat for all of you that have been wondering and speculating about Bella's feelings toward our Jasper. This little event happened during the earlier hours before all hell broke loose with Alice's reappearance and Bella was in La Push. Let me know what you all think, much appreciated. _

* * *

_**Life Line **_

By definition;_ a __**life line**__ is someone or something that holds on to you by a thread, allowing you to keep on going -to keep on fighting- even when all seems bleak and lost. _

Precarious hours, spent waiting on a call that never rings with frightful hope,

Awaiting to see the lightless screen illuminate, displaying a name.

But not just _any_ name, only _his_.

A scattered brain and a quivering heart crumbling with pain,

Are what's left behind in the aftermath, with no methods to cope.

Now that it finally rings, you can't bring yourself to answer,

You don't want to chance a look and find disappointment there.

What if it is -?

What if it isn't -?

Each "IF" holds its own dread with weight.

Even so, the room holds its breath along with you, while you wait.

The fixation that _is_, the time that _was,_

A single moment altered, now a Universe without axis.

Once love that consumed, now hate that scorches.

"_Life line,_" my consciousness scoffs and smirks, its whisper.

What ill fate has attached such fickle string?

"_No, not fickle,_" **it** smirks again, taunting, "_Such great stitching!_"

These threads have become erratic butterfly-stitches,

Piercing through my heart twining and linking love and hate.

Until there is no telling one from the other,

Which is Love, which is Hate?

The amalgam combination so precarious,

And yet, so _Precious_.

Our _Life Line_, bound to the seams of our heartstrings, too late;

Our Blood, Pain, Skin, and Souls etched.

_Life -Death_, nothing farfetched,

Just two hearts, _Delirious_.

* * *

"Please, believe me," He pleaded. "Believe me when I say that not everything is whole." Reaching for my hands and a way into my heart, his eyes beseeched mine. "And, yet, not everything is broken just because it feels out of place," he added in a delicate whisper, hoping.

Shying away, I tried to hide from him and his soul in display. "I'm broken," I barely managed to whisper, my voice as broken as I felt, solidifying my words. If he touched me, I would crumble, and then, what would be left of me? It was too much. Too selfish of me. I'd decided to stop being so selfish toward Jasper, that's why I needed to balance out our time with intervals of Jacob, after all.

"You're just not whole," He countered. "That doesn't mean-"

"Where I come from," I managed to gulp, swallowing with difficulty through my closed off throat and stubbornly continued, "…that's called _broken_, Jasper."

As my back touched the window sill and my body registered the coolness of the window's glass, so similar to his tender touch, my tears fell freely, over spilling. "I'm broken," I choked out, feeling trapped and with no way out.

This time, he didn't argue. "And I…" He trailed off and now that he stood before me, he reached out a hesitant, trembling hand out to my quivering body. -_Contact-_ "I can't promise I'll be able to make all the pieces fall into place just as before, Bella." -_A simple caress- _"But I can promise to try my best at making you whole. No matter how long it takes me to show you that you can be put back together."

"For eternity," I heard myself whisper, remembering his promise of not so long ago. So gentle that it felt like a whisper, his hand cradled my left cheek. "Eternity, Jasper. Eternity is what you promised me," I reminded him, imploring. The cool contact upon my customary warmer skin made me shiver and remember moments and touches that didn't belong to, or with, the man standing before me.

"I did," He agreed without hesitation. His sincerity sent a shock through my system, restarting my heart into turmoil of fluttering palpitations that stuttered at the sight of his earnest eyes.

"Can you still promise me this?" A plead, masked as a question. Still, I surrendered. Feeling like I was out of hope and out of strength, this time. Allowing myself to just dwell and take refuge in this simple gesture of gratuity.

"Eternity," He reassured fervently before my next stuttered heartbeat could make my blood pump.

"So blind," I whispered in wonder. For so long I'd been a blind and lost soul, drowning out the sound of my sorrows, and finding it hard to exist. Even with Jasper by my side, I kept running into myself when all I wanted was to find somebody else and get out of this... this _torment_.

But now, with this simple touch that I finally allowed myself to experience without replacing it for _his _touch; I found what I'd been looking for. A breath of fresh air, a calm that surrounds me and frees this pain I try and fail to hide, a sanctuary, where fears and lies melt away; a _cure_, simply, Jasper.

"Bella?"

I smiled delicately at Jasper's confusion, shaking my head. _Jasper is my cure. _The realization made me practically dizzy with its forwardness. I'm sure this is what a blind person that suddenly regains their vision after never being able to see must feel; aghast and delighted, with all sorts of warring and opposing emotions colliding within.

"It's nothing," I assured him breathlessly. "Just an errand thought."

"Bella, please." He frowned and dropped his hand, leaning slightly away from me and staring over my head, past the window. "You know you can tell me anything, right?" Instantly, I missed his calculated touch as much as I'd been missing his careless ones recently.

After a moment's hesitation, I reached up on tiptoes and smoothed it out for him. "I know." His head dropped forward slightly and he stared, slightly caught off guard, eyes serious and imploring. Fidgeting under the intensity of his golden gaze, I pretended to sniff the air and teased, "I think something's burning."

He sniffed, frowning again and looking down at me with a pout, saying, "And I _think_ your nose is _broken_." He chuckled, pocking my nose slightly. Just like that, the tension was broken and I was glad that he had gone along with it. With his open palm splayed on the small of my back, Jasper guided me out my bedroom door and toward the perilous stairs.

"Ha, ha," I said sarcastically, scrunching up my nose and following his lead willingly. "I meant your brain." I chuckled. He somewhat snorted, still managing to look handsome. "From strenuous thinking… I mean, how many years has it got under its belt? I'm surprised it hasn't given up on you yet." He pretended to glare, his eyes two perfect slits of darkening gold, before he joined my chuckles with his own richer ones.

"Just post World War two and then some," He replied just as intrepidly as ever. "Me and my brain are vintage darlin'," He added and winked at me. "Getting finer and more valuable with age, just like wine."

"So modest," I mumbled, descending the stairs with his help, since I'd almost tripped on the way down.

"Always…" It was my turn to glare. "Just remember, I'm a vintage creation!" He smiled the picture of innocence. I scoffed. "Trust me; you _don't _want to damage this fine specimen of a product."

"Jasper!"

"Just saying," He chuckled, splaying his hands up in surrender. "Before you go and do something that you'll later regret, remember the millions ahead of you."

"You are incorrigible," I said, rolling my eyes and smiling.

"Drive safely," He warned; closing the driver's side door once I was safely within.

"I will," I promised.

"And don't trip while driving," He added, trying to keep a straight face, "_That _could be dangerous."

Indignantly I glared at him, saying, "That's not even possible!"

"Trust me, Bella," he began, placating, "where you are concerned, stranger things have happened." Crossing my arms over my chest I huffed and glared at my steering wheel. He got me there and I had nothing to say. "Actually, if I remember correctly, I think I've seen you trip on _air_," He added, full out chuckling. I blushed. "Now, _that's _impossible and it still happened!"

"Point taken," I grunted. "I'll be extra, extra, and extra careful!" I chirped sarcastically and scowled, making him laugh some more. "Laugh away, Whitlock. I'm here Monday through Fridays and if there's enough incentive, I might just entertain you Saturdays and Sundays."

He hollered. "Now that's the Bella I know and lo-" He cleared his throat, looking slightly alarmed. "That's my-" He tried again and shaking his head glared at something somewhere off at the distant before returning his waning smile back to me. "Just go, Swan. Be safe," He finally said, sounding much too demure for Jasper.

Shrugging it off, I waved him goodbye before driving away, and glancing back in the rearview mirror, I kept my sight between the stretch of road ahead and Jasper, my cure, until I could no longer see him.

"Thank you, Jasper," I finally had the courage to say, now that he was out of sight but hopefully not out of earshot.

* * *

_**A/N: **I'm still working on the actual chapter. It needs to be right, damn it! ;) _


	27. When She's Not Listening

_**Previously;**_

_ Then again, I understood, better than anyone, the feeling of thinking I'd have to endure through a world without Bella. Maybe, this time around, he isn't being overdramatic. "Get him on the phone," I ordered. "Now," I barked out in a snarl for emphasis, "Before he goes and does anything else stupid."_

_ "He's already done so."_

_ "Great," I gritted out._

_ "We need to tell Bella," She reminded me._

_ "You're right," I agreed begrudgingly. "Come."_

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

_** Ch26: When She's Not Listening**_

Feeling the first warming rays of the early morning sun, peeking through the tree and window, kissing my cool skin I smiled contently. Still pretending to sleep in bed, with my eyes closed, I shifted to my left, which had me lying on my back now and absorbing more of the sun's balmy rays.

With a deep and content sigh, I relished in the sensation and inhaled deeply. The air smelled of Bella's scorching and appetizing scent and like morning, warm, humid, airy, earthy, and leafy. I'd say it was about six in the morning, if my nose is correct. And it usually is.

Somehow, I'd mastered this human gesture of sleep while having to hold Bella during hers. Sometimes she just needed me near or just lying next to her, so I didn't have to actually hold her.

During those instances, I would pretend I was asleep too, like now. Closing my eyes and making sure to shift when she shifted, if she shuffled her feet or sighed in her sleep, I'd follow suit. Anything to keep me from thinking about how lovely, enticing, ethereal, and appealing she looked under the light of the moonlight.

It was all just a means to keep me from staring and gaping at her face and body all night. A way to stop me and keep me from _thinking _about _touching _her the way I wanted to touch her, in a more intimate and inappropriate manner than I'd been allowed to touch her up until this moment.

There could no longer be any more slip-ups, like last time. About five days ago. When we'd been lying in bed and I had not been able to keep my hands to myself and I'd allowed myself to hold her the way a lover would after having made love until satiated, catering only to her needs. The moment intensely primal but not savage, careful but not cautiously so, caring but fearing the moment is over, and tender but also loving above all.

Her back flushed against my chest, her ass pressed against my lap, our legs entwined, my arms practically crushing her to me, while my tremulous fingers traced the contours of her delicate face with vacillating patterns, and my other hand combed my fingers freely through her ropes of silky chocolate hair.

Through my nose, I'd inhaled her scrumptious aroma, mouth watering and throat scorching, with the need, the _want_, and the temptationto taste the ambrosia that is Bella coursing like a wild inferno, prickling, and lingering through every fiver of my heightened sensible body, like a livewire.

Just one thought had run through my mind then; _Isabella, I want you more than you will ever have the pleasure of knowing and I the honor of exploring. _And only three little words had been uttered to the night, against her kissable alabaster skin, which I'd kissed, while she wasn't listening, the words; _I love you. _

Thinking about that moment has my smile widening impossibly so, despite my weak promises of never letting my guard down so easily again around her. My mind, heart, and body have on several occasions shown their disapproval at my hastily made choice, but I've done the best I can to remain in my best behavior when it comes to Bella.

Inhaling the sun rays and the aroma around me I shift, rotating to my right side without opening my eyes just yet. "Bella, I think it's time for you to rise and shine," I mumble lightly. Extending my free left arm, I reach out for her side of the bed only to come up disappointed.

Frowning, I struggle to open my eyes and face the reality of my situation. Bella's bedside, as I'd known, _is _empty. As empty as my heart and as blank as my eyes, the realization leaves a bittersweet taste on my tongue.

"She's gone…" I choke out, barely audible, even to my own ears. _I've gotten too good at pretending to sleep; now I'm even dreaming that she's still here, _I realize bitterly.

My eyes grow sad and heavy at the sight of Bella's empty bedside and with an arm over my eyes I topple over to the side until I'm on my back again and try not to sob at the intense loss I'm feeling. Telling myself; _what's the use?_ I can't even shed the tears to _show _that I'm crying.

Laughing bitterly, I place my arm over my eyes, glare at the ceiling and every shadow that have suddenly become infinite forms of all my doubts and fears. _Jasper, you've lost it, _I think to myself as I shake my head, trying to rid it of all this weighing thoughts and failing.

"Come back," I plead and pray. "Come back to me, Isabella. Even if you can't be mine, just come back safe."

Because I can't stand lying alone where she's laid with me any longer, I sit on the bed and proceed to stand. Unable to stand being away from her scent, I stay within her empty room, breathing her in and wishing she were here with me and able to tempt my demon.

Surprisingly, my demon wishes she was here too, so much so that he doesn't even have the strength to taunt me in my schmaltziness of the moment, or the will to fight and convince me to go sate our need to feed, even though we both know we need it.

Instead, he stays quiet in the background, moping along with me and growling at our matching weakness, one Isabella Swan, a weak, breakable, delicate, lovely little human. His thoughts about Bella are almost snide and treacherous, belaying everything and nothing.

_He, too, loves her,_ I realized in that moment as I paced around her room and suddenly came to a pause at the absurdity of our enlightenment. As my demon catches on to my realization he lashes out at me, trembling within me and in complete and utter denial of his true feeling. It is my turn to sneer at him and be snide. _Caught in the web of my weak human?_

_**Never! **_He argues, but his words sound void of certainty or vitality. I find myself snorting as he glares at me. _**You're the one confusing your human feelings with my need to feed, weakling! I **_**crave**_** and **_**love**_** the kill, nothing more, **_He tries to convince me. But all I hear is the truth behind his lies; _**I love her. I love the human, too, happy now, weakling? **_

_Is that what you meant, devil? _I taunt, triumphant, and I swear that I feel him grow shy and blush, if that didn't mean I was going crazy.

_**If it wasn't for the fact that I need your vessel to continue on, I would have long forgone you… **_He threatens rather weakly, almost meekly.

I raise a brow. _Yup, my demon is a resentful and spiteful being. But since he too loves her, I can't hold it against him._

That's why the two of us are here, waiting impatiently for her return. We just want her to come back home safe. As long as she's safe, it won't matter if she comes back home in the arms of another.

_**Mine! **_My demon growls, startling himself and surprising me.

_There's that honesty you're always nagging me about…_

_**I- I didn't mean that… **_He denies.

I shake my head. _Of course you didn't, _I placate. He scowls, sulking again. And I can't help but laugh out loud at his stuttering feelings, accepting for once that we are very much alike.

"_Mine_," I whisper to myself, savoring the sound and feel of the word on my lips. My demon begrudgingly agrees, his snarl reverberating within my chest vicious and quiet.

_**We will let her decide, **_My demon tells me, no longer pretending not to know how deep he's fallen. _**When she does, we will fight for her or flee and disappear for her. Our fate rests in her hands, and your heart in her palm. **_I could not agree more.

With that, we thought about yesterday and how we ended up confined to Bella's room in fear of forgetting her scent or never being able to smell it again. Now that would be a tragic feat. _Indeed. __**That would be.**_

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Moving swiftly across the paved road with Alice right behind me, I opened the door to the Swan's home only to be roughly welcomed by Jacob Black and his reeking stench. Grabbing me by the throat and slamming me against the wall as he trembled, trying and struggling to keep his phasing at bay.

Everything, from my eyes to the barely contained snarl rumbling deep in my throat to the way I held my body tensely, almost like a snake ready to strike was daring the dog to go ahead and fight me. With the mood I was in, I would more than gladly accept the challenge and make him suffer for it, limb for limb, until there was nothing more than his head left for me to kick like a soccer ball into the deep blue, never to be found.

_If only he would just _try_ me, _I though sadistically and just as sardonically. Jake fixed his eyes on me, bottomless black to bottomless black and growled out his warning before tightening his hold on my throat. Sliding me up against the wall closer to his eye level, he chanced a look at Alice, fixing his heated gaze on her and silently warning her to stay where she stood and not make any sudden movements.

Understanding the warning and not in the slightest afraid, Alice remained frozen in place. The last thing we needed was for this puppy to go and phase within the Swan's home, especially with Bella right in the middle of the danger zone.

"Jake, let him go, it's only Jasper!" Bella protested nervously, as if she could hear me thinking about her.

"He's one of _them _Bella!" Jake's eyes widened in disbelieve, jaw clenched and grinding.

"Yes, _Jake_," I taunted with a snarl. _What?_ _I'm a vampire, male dominance and all that… _"Let- -_go-_ -of- -me- -_Mutt_." Insert innocent smile and narrowed eyes. "It's only me. Defenseless little ol' bloodsucker Jasper." I snickered. "Hi Bella."

Her eyes widened at my nonchalance. "Hey… Jasper," She greeted uncertainly. "And Alice." Alice beamed.

"Shut up, both of you!" Jake sneered and narrowed his eyes in warning at me, body trembling before he reluctantly listened to Bella and began to let go of me but then thought better about it.

I had a bored look throughout the whole thing, which pissed the Mutt, and which was exactly what I wanted and made me giddy. But of course, I wasn't about to show it.

"Bella?" He gritted out and I tried not to roll my eyes. _More like whined. _What a mutt, he actually had the balls to ignore me, and to my face, no less.

"Let him go, Jake. Please?" Bella pleaded in my behalf and I hated him even more for making her beg. "It's Jasper. You have to know he won't hurt me, right?"

"Wasn't it him, the one who wanted to make a meal out of you on your birthday?" Jake pointed out, not letting up. I growled viciously against his hold, a warning. "Isn't it his fault? Why that other bloodsucker left you here to rot?" He smirked up at me. "Guess I owe you one," He muttered low enough that Bella wouldn't catch it.

I felt Bella's gut retching pang twist my innards and latch out at my own gut at his careless words. Without thinking, my own hand moved before I realized what I was doing and I snapped the hand that pinned me, making a clean break.

"Watch your mouth mutt," I warned with a hiss, baring my teeth and snapping them in his direction. However, I don't think he heard me as he howled in pain. Satisfied with my work, I ignored him and instead focused on Bella.

Bella blanched, trembling slightly and staring speechless at the arm I'd broken, sticking out at an unnatural angle.

"It's okay," I assured her, walking up to her slowly and still making her jump slightly at the unexpected quiet sound of my voice, despite my best efforts not to scare her.

"Jasper…" She glanced at me, alarm registering in her wide eyes.

I paused and cleared my throat feeling hot and bothered. She had breathed my name in that breathy voice of hers, the one that always made me gulp in an attempt to smother the sudden _want_ that it ignited and instantly brought to the forefront. I could just picture her breathing my name just like that in a much different setting than this with me between her quivering thighs as I…

"He'll heal quickly," I explained, a promise of sorts, and shook my head out of the gutter.

"A-are you sure?" Bella stuttered to ask, clearly dubious.

I smiled reassuringly. "Positively." And because I couldn't resist the temptation any longer, I deliberately wrapped my arms around her and held her close as she laid her head on my chest. I was acutely aware of the scorching heat of her ear lingering where, if I were human, she'd probably be listening to my heart's speeding and rushing crescendo, thudding only for her.

"Good," She sighed, relieved. And ever so trusting, content to be in the safety of my arms.

_You really should feel this safe, trapped in my arms, Bella, _I silently chided and secretly felt my pride swell at the thought that I was able to provide her with a sense of security. No matter how false it was.

"You see," I pointed out, "He's already quieting down." Bella nodded, glad and unquestioning.

"A little help here?" Alice hissed.

Turning in an about-face, I shifted Bella and me, keeping her right where she was, so that I could glance at Alice over the top of Bella's head. Glancing at Alice I noted that she was trying to help the reluctant mutt with his broken state.

"Before it heals the wrong way, please?" She pressed. I scowled but resigned and reluctantly went to help.

"Don't go anywhere," I told Bella. "We came back for a reason."

Going over to Alice and the mutt I sneered widely at the look on his face as I sent wave after wave of pain and distrust his way. He whimpered pathetically and Alice glared at me.

I shrugged. "You asked for my help, Alice. I didn't offer it."

Sure, I was going to help him get the bone I'd broken back into its rightful place, but that didn't mean I had to have any bedside manners about it. Reaching Jake, I grabbed his arm and snapped it back into place with a great yank, not giving him the chance to prepare for the moment.

He visibly became pale and sweating profusely with tears in his black eyes, screamed and howled his pain to the room at large, causing Bella to flinch and hiss in sympathy.

"Sorry," I muttered maliciously, clearly not meaning it, but sending waves that told a different story.

"Thanks," He groaned begrudgingly.

"Just make sure that the next time you make Bella beg for something with tears in her eyes, I'm not there to witness it," I told him lowly and dangerously, my lips close to his ear, close enough for him to feel the nip of my teeth against his skin.

He shivered, nodding earnestly. "I'll make sure never to piss you off…" He nursed his healing arm and looked at me sideways, resentment pouring out of him in tidal waves.

"You should go, Jake," Bella spoke, reminding us that she was still in the room, and three heads turned her way. She shifted, uncomfortable with the sudden attention.

"You're right," He agreed, to my surprise, unhappily. "Now that they're back the treaty line is back in place." Bella frowned. Now _I_ understood. "Meaning, I'm trespassing."

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

"Bella, we have something to tell you," Alice announced now that the mutt was gone and out of earshot. "But I need you to remain calm…"

"What is it Alice?" Bella questioned, feeling agitated and glancing over at me, silently asking me the same question.

Alice threw the bomb. "It's about Edward." Bella's heart tripped and stuttered at his name and her feelings were a kaleidoscope of tormenting turmoil. I growled low and savage, for vampire ears alone, which made Alice fidget. "He's gone to get himself killed."

Bella froze and went pale. "Where is he Alice?" Bella frantically needed to know. "We need to go help him. I need to go find him." My hands fisted at my side and my demon scurried to the crevices and sidelines of my mind, trying not to get caught and tangled in the crossfire of my spiraling emotions.

"Italy," Alice barely got out and Bella was in motion. I've never seen her handle herself with such grace or purpose. Not once did she trip as she ascended the stairs toward her room and started looking for what she need. Meanwhile, I stood rooted to the spot, unable to move and unable to think clearly.

_She still loves him, she still loves him, she still loves him…_

Over and over in an irritating loop the words repeated themselves to the point where they sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

_ In spite of it all she still loves him and is going to his rescue without much of a thought, _My cruel mind observed, and added insult to injury. Or should I say added salt to the wound?

"She's going to him?" My voice was so incredulous I sounded sick.

"What did you expect her to do?" Alice gently asked and my head spun around to see hear waiting for Bella by the end of the steps.

"I hoped she wouldn't do this," I admitted. Also admitting that I wasn't as surprised by her choice as I appeared to be, I had expected her to go to Edward's nodded, like she could hear my internal monolog.

"Are you going to stop her?" Alice asked and my head snapped up like a whip and my eyes bore into hers. _**YES, YES, YES! **_"If so, now would be the time." _**NOW, NOW, NOW, HURRY!**_

I frowned and ignored her and _him_. "You should help Bella pack," I instructed. _**NO, NO, NO! **_"You're pressed for time, remember?"

With a curt nod Alice went. In what could only be considered autopilot, I called the airport and booked the next flight out of Seattle to Italy, first or economy class, it didn't matter.

_**NO, NO, NO! **__My demon kept vehemently protesting._

_ Shut up! This is just what I've got to do for her, for Bella._

_**YOU'LL LOSE HER!**_

_This is what she needs. What she needs me to do for her. What she wants. I'm sure…_

_**FORGET ABOUT HER DAMNED NEEDS, WHAT ABOUT US?**_

_**WHAT ABOUT US? HEY!**_

_SHUT UP!_

A moment later I looked up at the sound off footsteps and Bella and Alice were standing before me once again.

"Come on," I said, motioning for them to follow. "Time is running out."

_**WHAT ARE YOU DOING?**_

_**STOP HER, STOP HER, STOP HER, NOW!**_

_**TELL HER NOW, TELL HER NOW!**_

_**JUST TELL HER, NOW!**_

_**SHE'LL STAY! NOW!**_

_What if she doesn't?_

_**BUT SHE WILL! NOW!**_

_**TELL HER! **_

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Once outside, I watch in denial and disbelieve that this is actually happening as she rushes to the car behind Alice and throws her belongings in while Alice ignites the ignition. The outsider looking in, that's who I am.

Bella glances over at me in a moment of panic and doubt and I try to smile through my pain. _I'm losing her. She's going…_

_**You can still stop her…**_

_I can't, not without making her hate me._

_**Just do it! You can just pretend she hates **_**me**_** instead.**_

_That won't work…_

"Jasper?" The sound of her sweet voice brings me out of my musings and I catch her just as she throws herself into my arms. "Should I go?" She asks and I stiffen.

_**Now, now, do it now… she's asking you! Tell her not to go.**_

_Time… time is running out, but already the thought of another day without you is unbearable, and I start to feel the sting of tears that can never fall..._

I feel Alice's eyes burning a whole into the side of my face as she whispers, "Tell her to hurry, we need to be on the road now."

"Would you be able to live with yourself if I asked you to stay?" I ask Bella and watch her as she thinks.

_I started to see the beauty of a beginning, and the eclipsing sadness encompassing its ending..._

"I don't want him to die…" She finally whispers and a weight is lifted off off me and I know I can do this. I can watch her leave. "I know it doesn't make sense with what he did to me… and you've been so kind to me-"

"Go," I choke out. _**NO! **__How it hurts, this fear of having you. How can I have you, Isabella Swan, when the very notion of losing you already wounds?_

Bella glances at me, startled as if she expected me to say something else. And for a moment I feel a tinge of disappointment and rejection emanating from her, but then the feeling is replaced with gratitude and determination and I know I've done the right thing for Bella.

"Come with us?" Bella pleads, startling me and my demon. We hadn't thought about that.

We consider and breath her in. "This is something that you need to do alone, Bella," I decline. Bella frowns, feeling and looking upset but accepts and understands my point. "Get going, Swan. Alice is getting impatient."

As if on cue, Alice honks the horn and startles Bella.

_Isabella, your embrace is a respite; just a chaste kiss from you keeps me alive; your gaze is a beautiful sunrise. Did you know?_

"What about you," Bella asks, giving me a final hug before she stars to walk away from me.

_Since I've waited so long to see, feel, something so immense, watching it reach its end is very heartrending..._

"I'll stay behind, waiting for you," I promise. _How it hurts, this fear of having you. How can I have you, when the very notion of losing you already wounds? __**NO, NO, NO! PLEASE, STOP HER NOW? NOW! **_"Until you return, I'll wait for you right over there." I point to her room. "Now go!"

With sad eyes I watch her get into the car and as soon as I hear the door close, I disappear inside the house. Intently I listened to Bella's heart getting further and further away as Alice speeds her away from me. _Isabella, losing you impairs… _I can't watch her leave after all.

"Bella!" _**I CAN, **_My demon argues and takes me right back outside and forces me to watch as _he _calls out to her with _my _mouth and voice. "Bella wait!" With some relief I watch as Bella turns in her seat and her eyes meet mine. _She heard us! _My demon releases me and I stay rooted to the spot, unsure of what to do or how to hold myself.

_Since I've waited this long to see, feel, something this immense, watching it reach its ending is agonizingly torturous._

"Is that Jasper?" I hear Bella ask of Alice. The car isn't that far away but it's by no means close. Still, I can perfectly make them out, getting smaller and smaller in the distance.

"Yes," Alice confirms in a clipped tone.

"Bella, I love you…" I finally tell her.

My eyes connect with Alice as Bella asks, "What did Jasper say, Alice? I think he said something."

Her gaze is a silent question and I shake my head. _No, Bella can't know._

"He says, be safe," She relies, lying flawlessly, all the while holding my gaze in the rearview mirror and never letting go.

Just as unwavering I stare back into her eyes and say, "Thank you."

"Don't."

"I'll see you soon, Jasper." Bella smiles, warmth radiating through her feelings. _I hope so. I'll be waiting. _"I'll miss you." _I know I will._

"I love you, Isabella," I confess out loud once again because she isn't listening. "Come home safely and back to me."

"And Alice?" I say with undeniable urgency. "Bring her home safe and-"

"Keep you posted?" She interrupts, glancing sideways at Bella and making sure she's unaware of our conversation. She is, because Bella only has eyes for me as they speed away and she tries to maintain me in sight through squinted eyes. A sight that makes me smile fondly, only to be washed out by Alice's assumption.

Vehemently I shake my head. "Don't," I plead weakly. Alice's eyes widen and I can faintly feel the shock and confusion emanating from her the further they get. "I don't want to know," I explain and add, "I just need you to bring her home safe. Only when you're on that plane back home, text me and let me know that you're coming back and that she's unharmed. Nothing else."

Alice nods, agree reluctantly before asking, "What about me?"

_**WHAT ABOUT HER?**_"What about you?" I question out loud, both to sate my demon's and my curiosity.

"Don't you wish for my safe return?" She questions rather meekly, a whisper within a whisper.

I grimace. **_I HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT_**_ **HER...**_ My demon muses, my thoughts exactly. Alice, Bella, and the car are almost out of sight and out of earshot so I rush forward to keep the in sight and earshot.

Once in sight I tell her, "I wish for your safety, Alice, because you're the one person standing in the way of Bella's safety." It is Alice's turn to grimace with the painful knowledge of my confession. "Stay safe so you can keep Isabella safe, will you?" I dare to ask, knowing that I'm driving a stake right through Alice's heart. But I'm desperate. **_We ARE DESPERATE_****,** my demon interjects, seething. And I can't really find it within myself to cater for her emotional welfare at the moment.

**_WE WILL DEAL WITH THAT LATER,_ **My demon promises and urges me on impatiently. _**YOU SHOULD, STILL, BE TRYING EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO TRY AND STOP HER! NOT SEE TO HER SAFETY! TRUSTING THE WORD OF OUR ONCE LOVER,**_ He spat mockingly and vexing._** SHE'S OURS NOW,** _He reminds me once again._** HER BLOOD AND FATE SHOULD DRIP FROM OUR FINGERS, HANDS, AND ARMS! **_

Despite how savage his words are, I know my demon has a point, of course. He always does. Still, I don't listen and he snarls his disappointment and urges my body forward without my consent. Obviously he still can't believe or accept that we are watching her go. That's when Alice finally decides to throw her pride away and answers my request, her eyes hostile and wary but on us nonetheless. We do not dare breathe as we listen.

"I'll do it for her," She clips out. Despite her animosity, we feel relieved, my demon and I. "I'm the one rushing her into this," She admits.

_**VERY WELL,**_My demon accepts, pacifying within me and leaving me on my own for the time being as he fumes silently in the sidelines.

Unable to remove myself from where I'm standing and walking away, I stayed outside, watching her go, until she was gone, and there was no longer a spec in the horizon. _She's gone, _I agonized and doubled over under the weight of my sense of loss. My demon stirred, more savage and animalistic than ever as he blamed me for not listening and doing what we should have done in his most vicious manner.

Nails on the chalkboard, **_SHE'S GONE! FIND HER, FIND HER. I NEED HER. YOU NEED HER. WE NEED HER. SHE'S MINE, YOURS, NO, OURS! _**

In the distance, I heard a distinct howl that conveyed exactly how I felt at that moment. How my demon, still cursing at me felt.

EMPTY.

INCOMPETENT.

DISTRAUGHT.

DAMNED.

AGONIZED.

HOLLOW.

HEARTLESS.

MORTIFIED.

IN PAIN.

AGONIZING PAIN.

PARALyZING PAIN.

IN LOVE.

UNDESERVING.

TERRIFIED.

DOUBTFUL.

INSECURE.

ALONE.

ALONE.

ALONE... AND NEEDING... SO ALONE...

FORGOTTEN.

...ALONE, NEEDING, AND FORGOTTEN...

_ALWAYS THE OVERLOOKED AND THE FORGOTTEN._

_THE LESS LOVED... ALONE!_

_...ALONE..._

_DYING._

_...ALONE..._

_I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!_

**___I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!_**

**___...ALONE... FORGOTTEN? UNLOVED?_**

**___WHY WON'T SHE LOVE ME? US?_**

...ALONE...

_LOVELESS._

* * *

_**oOo**_

* * *

_**BUT SHE'S GONE, SHE'S GONE! SHE'S GONE TO HIM!**_

_**MINE! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!**_

_**SHE'S GONE?**_

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**_A/N:_ **_This chapter is clearly shorter than my norm, but it has everything that I wanted to put in into it. Hope you all enjoyed reading it. Thanks for doing so! Please read and review, they might inspire me!_


	28. Catatonic Shape of Mind

_** A/N: **__Thought that some of you might find it helpful to know that I went back to the previous chapter and made a few arrangements. Right after Alice lies for Jasper's sake. You might want to check that out before going ahead with this chapter. _

* * *

_**oOo**_

* * *

_**Previously;**_

_Unable to remove myself from where I'm standing and walking away, I stayed outside, watching her go, until she was gone, and there was no longer a spec in the horizon.__She's gone,__I agonized and doubled over under the weight of my sense of loss. My demon stirred, more savage and animalistic than ever as he blamed me for not listening and doing what we should have done in his most vicious manner._

_ Nails on the chalkboard,_ **SHE'S GONE! FIND HER, FIND HER. I NEED HER. YOU NEED HER. WE NEED HER. SHE'S MINE, YOURS, NO, OURS!**

_ In the distance, I heard a distinct howl that conveyed exactly how I felt at that moment. How my demon, still cursing at me felt._

_**-O-**  
_

_I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!_

_**I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!**_

_**...ALONE... FORGOTTEN? UNLOVED?**_

_**WHY WON'T SHE LOVE ME? US?**_

...ALONE...

_LOVELESS._

* * *

_**oOo**_

* * *

**BUT SHE'S GONE, SHE'S GONE! SHE'S GONE TO HIM!**

**MINE! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!**

**SHE'S GONE?**

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

** Ch27: Catatonic Shape of Mind**

_Asleep or waking is it? for her neck,_

_Kissed over close, wears yet a purple speck_

_Wherein the pained blood falters and goes out;_

_Soft, and stung softly-fairer for a fleck._

_I don't know any longer, am I awake or asleep, dreaming or escaping my reality? What is a dream? Do I sleep? Who am I? What am I? Where am I?_

_But though my lips shut sucking on the place,_

_There is no vein at work upon her face;_

_Her eyelids are so peaceable, no doubt_

_Deep sleep has warmed her blood through all its ways._

_ I'm so cold… and so alone, _I think and shiver as my eyes burst open. Everything around me is dark, but I can still see the night as well as I can see the day and for a moment this awareness bewilders me. Unable to adapt to the absurdity of it all, I decide not to deal with it and close my eyes once again. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I know there's a reason behind the way I feel… but as soon as I start to ponder it, I ache too much and my mind goes deeper into the abyss and embraces the devil demon.

_She holds my heart in her sweet open hands_

_Hanging asleep; hard by her head there stands,_

_Crowned with gilt thorns and clothed with flesh like fire,_

_Love, wan as foam blown up the salt burnt sands-_

_Breathe, just breathe, _I tell myself and as I do so, I inhale the most _intoxicating _aroma. It's all around me and I can't get enough of it so I breathe it in time and time again, not caring that my actions are unnatural. Rather, I focus on the ache that takes hold as this intoxicating aroma enters my system and delivers its blow. Behind my eyelids I begin seeing flashes of brown silky locks, coffee brown doe eyes, and the face of a girl with a smile that disarms all my inhibitions.

_The scent and shadow shed about me make_

_The very soul in all my senses ache;_

_The hot hard night is fed upon my breath,_

_And sleep beholds me from afar awake._

Just like that, I know exactly what has been ailing me, crippling _sorrow_. Sorrow at its finest, or I should say worst, maiming me to the core of my being, my soul. Slowly and painfully everything I'd been trying to push away by willingly diving into the abyss starts coming back to me in images, scented and auditory memories, and I begin to quake and ache tenfold.

_There is no change of cheer for many days,_

_But change of chimes high up in the air, that sways_

_Rung by the running fingers of the wind;_

_And singing sorrows heard on hidden ways_

_ Isabella Swan is gone, _even within the confinements of my mind I suffocate on the name, _her_ name as I _just_ think it. The name of the one I love.

_**The name of the one WE lo- need. **_This thought is naught but a whisper, somewhere near the recesses of my mind but it unsettles and coerces me. _**I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say, and you can't take back what you've taken away. **_Again that same wisp, hiss, and smoke like voice utters and I shudder at its hostility this time.

Unsurprisingly, I don't know how I know that _it _knows, but I have a gut feeling that _it_ does. Neither do I understand how I know what it is talking about, but it can only be one thing, one person to be exact; Isabella Swan.

_I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say, either, I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know. _A feeble attempt at an argument and that wisp, hiss, and smoke of a voice knows it and hisses its disapproval.

Once more her name brings to life things I do not wish to be reminded of. But I am powerless to stop them as they play behind my closed lids. Stolen moments, clumsy and unintentional touches that became intentional along the way, idle conversations under the sun and at different instances in time, her warmth, the lust it evokes, the yielding, smooth softness of her ivory skin, and my ever growing endearment and love for the girl that transformed into a woman somewhere along the way.

_I dare not always touch her, lest the kiss _

_Leave my lips charred. Yea, Lord, a little bliss,_

_Brief bitter bliss, one hath for a great sin;_

_Nathless thou knowest how sweet a thing it is._

Each changing image added to the unveiling of a more profound sorrow yet, a pain that has no end and no mercy. I wanted to run away from each sweet moment showcase but was unable to. Helplessly, I watched until it stopped, feeling drained and more lost than ever. Even so, I wanted to experience every single one of those moments again, especially the innocent and the not so innocent ones spent on her bed and room.

_For if mine eyes fail and my soul takes breath,_

_I look between the iron sides of death_

_Into sad hell where all sweet love hath end,_

_All but the pain that never finisheth._

_So selfish. _As I think it, I can feel _its_ agreement before _it _voices' it, adding to my ailment.

_**SO SELFISH, INDEED…**_ There's no emotion behind his voice, just plain, unadulterated, crude truth.

_I'm ashamed,_ I whisper, and since it is the first time I've used my voice in who knows how long it sound like _dust _and _rust_, hoarse and sorrowful. _And I'm afraid. _For some reason I needed for _it _to know. _Dreaming comes so easily, _I casually confess, tormented by the idea and the fact that I can't _really _dream.

**'Cause it's all that I've known,** _It _murmurs and I'm caught off guard by the manner in which he's voiced that. Didn't he mean, "It's all that _you've _known"? _**Healing comes so painfully, **_my demon, I now recognize, tells and reminds me.

_ And it chills to the bone, _I agree.

** True love is a fairy tale, **It lets me know and all I taste is bitter doubt at the back of my throat.

_This bitter love is sorrow in all lands,_

_Draining of eyelids, wringing of drenched hands,_

_Sighing of hearts and filling up of graves;_

_A sign across the head of the world he stands,_

_There's mending for my soul, _I offer, hoping it will pacify him in some manner and be a balm to my qualms.

_**An ending to this fear? **__I can only hope… _My demon is silent for a moment, contemplating. _**Will anyone get close to me?**_ He wonders idly, abstaining from blaming me for our predicament. Surprisingly it's not as hard as he thought it would be, just to let me wallow in self pity. He too is starting to question who and what he is, becoming numb within me.

_I'm damaged, so how would I know? _I sneer at my demon reproachfully. _I'm scared and I'm alone. _I sigh, feeling all the more pathetic and I can't help but chuckle darkly at our predicament.

_As one that hath a plague-mark on his brows;_

_Dust and spilt blood do track him to his house_

_Down under earth; sweet smells of lip and cheek,_

_Like a sweet snake's breath made more poisonous_

_**And you can't take back what you've taken away, **_He points out unhelpfully, adding salt to the wound. I scowl. The devil sneers. Suddenly, it is _him _who is showing me things I do not wish to see and I'm surprised to feel a smidge of guilt behind his lustful and needful, unquenchable thoughts.

There, before our eyes, all I see are different scenarios of Bella in our arms, broken and lifeless with her life flowing and ebbing away from her from every puncture of her mutilated skin.

_**His**__ head far down the hot sweet throat of _her_-_

_So one tracks love, whose breath is deadlier,_

_And lo, one springe and __**you**__ are fast in hell,_

_Fast as the gin's grip of a wayfarer._

The monster in me soars and feasts its eyes at the bloody, familiar sight and even my throat reacts, searing with the thought of the imaginable and familiar smell we've come to be smeared and surrounded in. I swallow painfully in automatic response. However, the lover in me is repulsed by the mere thought of harming her. Hence, my monster's tangible guilt.

_I think now, as the heavy hours decease_

_One after one, and bitter thoughts increase_

_One upon one, of all sweet finished things;_

_The breaking of the battle; the long peace_

Then, just as I think the horror is about to end, I see another unfold and I hold my breath. Unable to tear my gaze away, I watch with wide eyes as my demon takes over my will, forces me into submission, and goes after the woman I love, the woman he claims to need, and the woman we are intoxicated by to the point of _aching_ for her.

_Yea, for my sin I had great store of bliss:_

_Rise up, make answer for me, let thy kiss_

_Seal my lips hard from speaking of my sin,_

_Lest one go mad to hear how sweet it is._

He caresses her, kisses her, touches her, and brings her to the peak before sinking his teeth viciously into her too yielding flesh and she doesn't put up a fight, she trusts _him _to stop before harming her. But before I can find out whether or not he actually manages to be less of a monster, I give into the arms of blissful abyss and my demon roars in protest but I pretend not to hear or care. _Escape. _As I suspected, for my demon followed, it wouldn't be that easy.

* * *

_**-O-**_

* * *

_** Don't walk away! **_The demon commands, halting my blissful retreat.

_ Turn around and leave me alone, _I plead of it, tired of arguing.

_** I see, you've take the cup of delusion and the wine of remorse, **_He mocks with a wide crude sneer distorting his features, which are so similar to my own.

_ Yes, Isabella Swan is gone, _I agree, thinking it the easier way out. I'm_ gone._

_** This empty hole inside- **_Knowing that he won't let up until I've listened to him, I turn around and listen to him, giving him my full attention, which gives him pause. For a moment he's slightly taken aback and struggles with his words, like someone who's not used to being listened to for long periods of time and is uncomfortable with the sudden attention. _**She's gone, **_He finally adds, looking distraught by the admittance of this obvious of situations. _**You can't take it back. **_Now he's back to blaming me.

_ I can't go back, _I simply state, stubborn.

_** I thought you had it all together? **_He scowls, reminding me of everything I've lost. _We've_ lost, I amend.

_ But my hands are empty… there's no Bella._

_** Does it matter now? **_My head whips up to look at him and I stare deep into his eyes. He stares back, unflinching. For some reason, as I search deep within his unrestricted onyx eyes, this feels like it's the first time I've done this. The first time I've _really _stared into the mirrored eyes of my own monster. _**It isss, **_I think I hear him quietly hiss, like water to a hot rod, but I'm not sure.

_You're right. I can't even measure the pain it caused._

Amazingly enough, what I find there surprises me. He's guarded, no, that's not right. My devil is _vulnerable_. I blink and he remains stoic and unmoving without so much as daring to blink or breathe. Like some great mystery, I realize that his very foundation has been shaken from under him and he doesn't feel like he can reach out for me to lend him the strength we usually share in without much thought.

_** Suffering is sweet agony, but Who am I to compare my pain to yours? **_He sounds hurt and like an abandoned child as he says this and I feel a twinge of guilt and sympathy. Perhaps I don't know him as well as I thought? _Maybe, not at all or not enough?_ I contemplate. I think he sees the sympathy in my eyes and his coal black eyes harden, cutting me off from further scrutiny. _**  
**_

_ My suffering must mean nothing… _I try to focus back on myself to stop the guilt I feel for him from overwhelming me. It seems like everything is felt that much more acutely here. I hate it. I start to check out but I don't get far enough when his voice cuts through the veil of sweet awaiting oblivion. _** Stop it! **_He demands in a panic, chest rising with his heaving breathes. _**Quit imagining that you've left this life! **_A plead and a command sewn together, effective enough to gain my attention.

_ Does it still matter now? _I'm honestly curious. I earnestly wish to know what he thinks. _It's true._

_** If that's the way it should be, then I believe in you. **_Clearly not the response I was expecting.

_ My suffering must mean something. _I can't accept the idea of going through this for nothing.

_** Must meant something to you, or to me? **_There's no mockery in his tone, just tentative intrigue.

_ If you could see my fear… _I sigh, displeased and mildly disgusted with this void, but unable to bring myself to leave it.

_** I feel it with you, remember? **_For a perplexing moment I'm shocked. I'd forgotten that he is a part of me and I of him. Of course he knows _exactly _how I feel. Again, guilt plagues me because I have no idea how _he _feels when he endures my every sentiment. _**Hold tight to your convictions, our convictions, **_He suggests meekly with an offhanded shrug that seems too rehearsed and nonchalant a gesture to be his true feelings behind the matter. He doesn't fool me for a second.

_ This heart's not my possession; I know my fears and doubts control me. _A confession, a statement, a glimpse into my soul, or an undeniable truth, it didn't matter how my demon viewed it as long as he understood the shaky grounds upon which we were standing.

_** Aggressive passive inhibitions. **_His apparent opinion on the matter was kinder than I'd been preparing myself to hear.

_ When all I know decays in vain and I am left alone again-_

_** When all you measure turns to dust, do you run or do you stay?**_ Once again I found myself marveling at how well he got me and at my uncanny ability to not misunderstand his few but enlightening words and vice versa.

_ I laugh before the indecision! _

_** Is it so bad that you would shut me out? **_Again with the vulnerability that left me feeling edgy and on the brink of falling off that very thin edge upon which we stood, freely trading words and thoughts without reservations or caution.

_ And leave you here alone? _I hoped that my less serious respond could take us back to less dangerous grounds, but no such wanted to continue on this path towards imminent destruction. Taking a deep breath, I gave in and gave him what he wanted, saying, _When I gave up on myself again, you believed in me. I just can't do that to you. _He cocked his head for a moment in thoughtful suspense and seemed satisfied by my answer.

_** Yes, I saw what you did. **_Again with the reminders of Isabella, didn't he get that I was trying to escape my thoughts of her? _**I was right there with you, I won't let you sink. **_More like he wouldn't let me forget, a bitter realization indeed.

_ It's like I'm spilling from an empty cup._

_** Love needs room to breathe… **_I raised a brow in disbelieve. Now he's the _expert _in matters of the heart and love?

_ That blatant tone of yours creates a searing blackness deep within my soul. _Seething so profusely that I felt my body's physical trembles, I could no longer look at the demon in my view.

_** I have watched you grow; You bury guilt like sin, hurling smiles and judgments, **_He accused and I mockingly wondered who was truly doing the judging.

_ Bitterness trickles through that vein of tenderness._

_** And gives cause to stumble, it's sobering, the changes. **_I was irking him, I could tell by the unwavering blacker than black voided gaze he fixed on me. Good.

_ Don't try to lead, when you don't know. _There was just no way I was backing down, I wasn't afraid of him. We both knew he needed me.

_** I've stood in your shadow, I've never walked away. **_Ah, that's going below the belt and right down to the guilt and pity party. Couldn't say I was buying it. However, I was learning a ton about myself and my shadowed mirror self.

_ Deep inside, I want to become brave and courageous, not someone buried in self-pity of my own, _I admitted, open and honest, tiered of the run around and avoiding.

_** Ashamed and alone from all, that's been done to me. **_Of course he would have to try and best me at my own game and take the upper hand.

_ It's not my fault._ What kind of game was this, the 'which Jasper is more _fucked-up' _pity party game? Please. I'm the original vintage, he's got nothing on me and I was trying to convey as much through my steely glower.

_** I remind myself, **_He finally sighed in defeat. Apparently he was finally tired of trying to gain the upper hand. It was a lost cause since the beginning anyway, he did both of us a favor.

_ You've never loved me. _Color us surprised. I hadn't meant to blurt _that _out.

_**You've never even loved yourself! **_He argued heatedly, seemingly on edge, mortified, and downright embarrassed. I know I was. _**And now you treat me like a burden, just another object on your shelf, pushed aside until forgotten. **_

His voice broke at the very end in such a way that it made me hang my head in shame. He was right, though. I've never been able to come to terms with the fact that I am a demon and a monster with no chance for redemption or deserving of mercy and much less grace. He knew this because _I_ knew it.

_I don't know if I can take this, _I admitted, telling the truth, for once, from the get go. He deserved the truth for once. I've been denying him my honesty for far too long now to continue being as shameless as to pretend to be oblivious.

_**Is there anyway you can forgive me for what I've done?**_ He questions in earnest vulnerability. **_Is there anyway you could love me still, for being so... wrong._**

_I don't know how to love you, _I sadly admit, but he seems to accept my honesty with grade and a little sadness of hope long lost. _In time, _I try to promise in an attempt to rekindle the embers of his dying hope. Slowly, I think it works.

_** I looked for that long forgotten love, until my luck ran out and then I saw your face… **_He was grasping at straws. I hated myself for putting him in that position. _**Tossing, turning, I feel blind being on the inside looking out. **_Such raw emotion that it grates on my nerves to see his pain and my pain reflected back at me in twin eyes of onyx, soulless eyes that showed more emotion than I expect mine ever did or ever would.

_ No matter what I've done, or is done to me, nothing's unforgivable, or unable to be set free. _I wish I could set him free, set us free. I must have said something wrong because I feel a rift and an indisputable cold and growing distance separating us once again.

_** This pain that I carry's not my own, I'm ashamed and alone from all that's been done to you. **_His quiet whisper reached my ears moments after he had spoken, because he couldn't bear to look at me and say the words to my face, _our_ face. _**But don't worry; it's not your fault. **_His impenetrable wall was back up again, I was running out of time.

_ I remind myself. _My turn to use his words against him, I couldn't help it. I was fuming!

_** Can I even wait here anymore? **_He whispered dangerously low, almost a growl. When he did look up, it took all of my self-control not to take a step away from him. His eyes seemed to no longer look at me, just black merciless pupils that looked on forward, taking everything in but never truly _seeing_.

_ Wait one more hour, _I pleaded, afraid to face my reality once more without mentally preparing myself or having him there to offer me some leeway.

_** Not sure if I'll see anything… **_I could tell he was bored of me already.

_ Another day of no end, shadows will hang over me, darkness, fading, grab it, kick it, smash it, and hold it, throw it, crave it in my search for solace._

_** These long nights are never kind, **_He seemed to agree. _**I'll endure it then,**_He promised**, **_**I'll wait an hour more.**_

_ It will be great to continue seeing you, now that the old wounds have mended,_I admitted, surprised that I actually meant it. Never before had I wanted to willingly come face to face with my demon, the one I constantly saw as my enemy. Now, I was beginning to think that he just might be my most needed ally.

Before, I couldn't or just wouldn't allow myself to see where my demon was coming from, it took Bella leaving to see what he'd become, what he made me, and what we are. To see what I'd become, I had to look past all the things I'd done alongside him.

Though it is hard to forgive and even harder to forget, I was willing to see him for who he really was, an irrefutable and inimitable part of me that at times consumed me to the brink of unquenchable quests for blood games.

After a long pause in which he wouldn't even meet my eyes, his cogent eyes held my gaze steadily and then, to my utter surprise, he gave one precise nod of agreement. And was that respect I spied? _Yes_, an ally.

_**I promise I'll be waiting by the door, **_He vowed_**, unlike so many nights before.**_

_I know that you're on the inside looking out for me. _My tone was grateful and ingenuous, respectful even.

_** Good, **_He accepted, sounding smugly pleased. _**You know that I'm looking out for you as you wallow in self-pity, **_He actually teased_**, and there's no coming back for me.**_

I smiled. _Every point of view has another angle and every angle has its merit. _For the life of me I never could have guessed that the guy had a sense of humor, _which _deserved some merit.

_**And the restless soul is searching, wearing every shade of cynical. **_Same playful tone but I knew that there was an actual valuable lesson being told in such ominous and short wording. _**I spoke out of turn, and hurt you, but you I've learned that it hurts me back.**_

_Is that why you saved me from the 'everything' I couldn't be? _I wondered out loud without meaning to.

_** I can try to justify but it doesn't mean anything. **_He was practically evading the subject now, landmine territory.

I smirked. _Because after everything is said and done, you still need me? _I figured.

_** I feel so trapped instead, but trapped doesn't seem so bad, 'cause you are here, **_He admits, if a little begrudging, pouting and looking like if he could, he'd be blushing, and I along with him. _**You need me, I need you, and we need her, though she might not need us any longer. **_I don't know which one of us was more hurt by his words, him or I. The fact is, it stroke a resonating cord within us.

_And do you ever feel that there is something missing?_ Besides Bella, of course, but that was beside the point now. _Does the world seem gray with empty longing to you too_?

There was a portentous pause before he conceded and nodded, saying, **That's my point of view...**

With that, my demon pushed me unceremoniously through the veil and back into awareness and the full throttle of our combined sorrows. For the time being, I was too shocked to be resentful. Later, that was another matter entirely.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

How's a man to find his way north when he's been stripped of his compass and thrown in the middle of the ocean? How's he to warm himself when his fire has been long doused, extinguished to none existence by his own hand and the nights grow mercilessly cold night after night? Who has he to blame then, but himself?

I, Jasper Whitlock, had no one to blame but myself for my current state of mind, in spite of who I was trying to talk myself into blaming, I knew this much. Catatonic, it could at best be described as such, my present shape of mind. Currently I was trying to find a more befitting verb or adjective or something in any and all languages I knew, but I kept coming up short and drawing to a blank.

I had started out pacing, since the moment I got back after watching Bella disappear from my sight and into the distance to go rescue Edward. As soon as I'd realized she was gone, I'd wanted her back but had been unable to go after her and tell her not to go, or my reason for not wanting her to.

Literally, I was at war with myself. Now I was reduced to a ball, crouched in the corner of Bella's closed closet, doing nothing more than inhaling her scent and wishing. My mutters an incessant buzz in my ears that repeated the same thing over and over again in hopes that she would change her mind and come back as I stared straight ahead with unseeing eyes vacant.

As for my demon, he had hours ago checked out on me. What was the point when I wouldn't listen? I couldn't listen. Now, he wouldn't even deign me with as much as a scoff in my direction. He was beyond pissed and disappointed with me and I couldn't blame him. _I _was disappointed in myself and I sure was more than pissed at the turn of events I'd allowed to happen without putting a stop to it.

That asymmetrical curling sneer, I could perfectly visualize my demon showcasing in my mind's eye and it put me on edge. He clearly thought I was being pitiful and that I deserved this torment, even when if affected him because it had all been on me. Despite my blaming and cursing Edward's to the depths of Hell and back again so I could do it over and over, the truth was, I had no one else to blame but myself for Bella's departure. And I hated admitting it.

Smelling the air again in an attempt to inhale more of Bella from my surroundings, I smelled the night and listened intently as Charlie Swan found his daughter's hasty note and explanation for her sudden disappearance. I flinched as I felt his concern, worry, and anger sore and suffocate me. _No more, no more… _I pleaded in a silent whimper as I remained stoic in place, not even breathing.

And as if Chief Swan had heard my silent plea, the man ruled in his emotions and proceeded to make some calls. That was when I tuned out and a moment later found me jumping to the sound of Bella's bedroom door being open and then slammed closed.

Unsure if the Chief would come back into the room again, I remained exactly where I was squatting and curled into a hard, cold granite ball until my demon convinced me to lie down on her bed.

_**Pretend like it's just another night with nothing out of the norm, **_He whispered coyly into my entranced mind. _**Like nothing happened, like she's not gone- **_I refused to walk again, staying frozen mid step as my demon tried to convince me into motion once again. _**You owe me this, damn it! You were the one who let her go and I told you not to. Move. Now. **_

And so I did. Like a lifeless doll, I took three more steps and lay myself carefully over Bella's made-up bed. For a moment my breathing became labored as all around me, her perfume inundated us and I turned, burrowing my nose deeper into her pillows and feeling a sob trying to rip free through my parched throat.

I swallowed it and with the help of my demon talked myself into numbness as I closed my eyes and pretended to be human. For once, it was a necessary performance with no audience but my demon. Closing my eyes, I imagined that Bella was right next to me and instantly felt her warmth, her breath scorching my neck, and the weight of her weightless limbs carelessly cast over my chest as her feet tangled with mine.

_**As long as you don't open your eyes, you can keep up the illusion, **_My demon tried to convince me and I ultimately caved and believed him. Only because I had to if I wanted to keep my sanity intact. _**Just pretend until tomorrow. Then, we'll think of something else. **_

_Okay._

_**Breath, Jasper, breathe. **_

_I'm breathing. _

_**Good.**_

_Nothing's good without her here…_

_**Focus, Jasper! **_He was growing impatient with me.

_I'm focused, _I promised, feeling dubious myself.

The demon sighed, slightly resigned before trying again, _**Just **_**feel **_**her around you and imagine her curves yielding and molding onto you… **_

I imagined…_ Yes? Yes?_

_**Feel her lips, practically touching your neck, and so close to kissing you, like that one night.**_

_ Y-yes? Yes? _My breathing was becoming labored now, it was working…

_**Sustain the image…**_

_Sustaining…_

_**Now, this is you sleeping… and we wait until the morning.**_

_I'm sleeping, _I agreed, thankful to be able to surrender to slumber and escape the reality of my mistake.

"Bella…" I sighed.

"Jasper," I heard her whisper back and for a moment I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, and I couldn't dream. I could _feel _her and she was here with me… "Wake me up in the morning?" She requested and I couldn't deny her anything.

"Sure thing, Bella," I found myself answering breathlessly as a smile curved my previously frowning lips. "Sleep now," I bided, "Good night."

"Good night, Jasper…" She yawned and I smiled as she burrowed deeper onto my side, so warm and delicate.

_**Until tomorrow the dream will hold.**_

_This isn't a dream any more…_

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

_** A/N: **Still technically short by my standards but, hey, it's a quicker update! __The poem at the beginning of the story is "LAUS VENERIS" by A. C. Swinburne. It's a very long poem but I took bits and parts of it to suit the story. Well, that's it for this chapter. Let me know what you all think and drop me a review. The more reviews I get, the faster the chapters are out! Now, who can help me? I can't for the life of me recall how long did it take for Bella to come back from Italy… Anyone?_


	29. I'm Complete of Bits of Her

_** A/N: **__This chapter will be unlike any other that you've read from me so far. Meaning, unlike the rest of the previous chapters, we are taking a peek into Jasper's jumbled inner thoughts and not just seeing everything through his eyes. Basically, you will feel like you are experiencing everything as Jasper rather than an onlooker reading about how he feels…_

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

_**Previously;**_

_ "Sleep now," I bided, "Good night."_

_ "Good night, Jasper…" She yawned and I smiled as she burrowed deeper onto my side, so warm and delicate._

_**Until tomorrow the dream will hold.**_

_ This isn't a dream any more…_

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

** Ch28: I'm Complete of Bits of Her**

_**-J-**_

_-With her multifaceted smiles that bestow, _

_Knowing that I am nothing without her,_

_I know am made up of bits of her.-_

* * *

_**-J-**_

* * *

_["Time heals all wounds."]_

_**"As tyme hem hurt, a tyme doth hem cure." -**_**Chaucer**_**, Troilus & Criseyde**_

_**"Time is the healer of all necessary evils." -**_**Menander**

"_**These past days and months by Bella's side have taught me that, there's really no specific time to instigate love. Once you lose an opportunity, it's lost forevermore." -**_**Jasper Whitlock**_**, During Moments of Solitude **_

* * *

_**-J-**_

* * *

_I started out missing her…_

_But then I began to _need_ her._

_That light that illuminates the distance between her and I, comes out of her eyes, and I know, with certainty, that this has to be a waking nightmare and that this abyss cannot possibly be reality._

Although the night became gray, knowing that I'm made off of bits of her, it was her indigo embrace pampering these stirring feelings from April and this love, which goes on a rampage, with whispers that tremble from her voice, her laugh, her walk, and her every waking moment.

_This terrifying feeling, waiting for morning to come, no one knows what it's like._ If Bella were never to return, love would cease making sense, the world would no longer make sense, and I would detach myself from people. I would have no other refuge, than to dwell in fantasy.

_If she's not here, I don't know, what the hell am I (__**are we**__) doing loving her?_

* * *

_**-J-**_

* * *

Once again, for her, I'm sinking into hell, trying to live under this silent suffering. Because I can't keep looking for her scent in the wind, I can no longer lie, or hide what I feel; _I don't want to amble like this, a heart thrashing for a love without owner. _

_ How does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart? _This single question has hunted me in more ways than one, making me feel guilty in my state of sorrow and in awe of Bella. _How had Bella endured her days without the one she loves and not lose her sanity? _Isabella isn't even here and she's still awing me, it's unbelievable. _I_ was losing my sanity and she had only been gone nearly a day and a half… _Again, how had she endured it, and then again, when I'd abandoned her? _

Cringing away from that thought, I focused on other things that managed to plague my troubled mind… Now, my guilt; sure, my heart is broken, but I had done the same thing to Alice, I had torn her heart apart and not given her the chance to try and salvage, if for her sake, what I had known was beyond salvageable. I felt guilty because I didn't feel guilty enough after breaking and betraying her heart.

Also, I was still holding onto a large yellow manila envelope containing Alice's and my marriage license, since we were to marry, again, once she was out of this school term and graduated this time around. It had been personally delivered and brought to my attention by one of J. Jenkins's terrified men, just half an hour after Alice and Bella had disappeared from sight.

The intern had found me standing in the same spot I'd been standing since the moment the car had disappeared out of sight on his way back up from the Cullen's vacant residency. Or so he had informed me at the time, looking like he might shit his pants if I so much as made an attempt at shaking his hand diplomatically.

The scared stiff intern after promptly introducing himself proceeded to hand me the yellow envelope containing the license thereafter, which I'd forgotten I'd asked J. Jenkins's to provide, and prompted me into opening the document on the spot, according to J. Jenkins's instructions of customer satisfaction. Something that I'm pretty sure he only did for me.

Once I scanned over its content, a new marriage license with only a seal and no dates and a copy of our deaths certificate from ninety-five years ago, I felt an immense source of relief flood through me. The knowledge that I'm not _lawfully_ bound to my mate and wife of the past decades momentarily gave me a respite from the numbing nothingness I'd been feeling in that moment and allowing me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. _Legally_, there was nothing stopping me from being with Bella. I was free to love her _and _let her know that I love her more than I've ever loved anyone.

In fact, I had been so relieved at the time that I had outright laughed out loud; scaring the poor man into pissing himself from the suddenness of my actions, or perhaps it was the lack of real emotions showing in my face that truly scared him. No, that wasn't it either. Because I had seen my reflection reflected in his pupils, I can acknowledge to the fact that my face showed the total opposite of the mirth I had been trying to project at the time, I had looked deranged and consumed by paralyzing agony.

Something that to a man who could only see what his eyes allowed him to see, a young man between the ages of eighteen to twenty-four, couldn't conceive and much less grasp. Because there is no way that someone my age could feel so deeply without having lived at all. His misconception, granted.

But everything about my agony had been misplaced, too. I felt for Alice, because I couldn't care for her beyond what role she played in keeping Bella safe and bringing her back home to me. And I cared for Alice, like I would a dear friend, despite anything I might have told her before, I still care and I still love her, just not the way she would hope I do. She was the one that first taught me the wonders of caring for someone other than myself, and the one that destroyed everything about that beauty with all the omitted truths that she kept quiet, therein laid our downfall, in the things that were never said.

Undergoing a hurricane of emotions that confuse and dominate me… For the first time, there is no one to cloud what I feel, every single emotion was my own and no one else's, and I was starting to feel like I couldn't deal. I found myself wishing and needed the unsought of more emotions, just so that I could have an excuse to not sort my own.

Even so, I stood my ground for _her _and faced it all, reminded myself that I'm no coward and that if Peter or Charlotte ever saw me like this, they'd have my ass for sure. I've never been more ashamed of myself, until that moment, when all of my instincts and senses were telling me to flee and not deal. Therefore, my heart delirious with the uncertainty of which way to turn, felt constricted and caged between my two choices… _Bella_… _Alice_…

_I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… __**But I ache too**__… Today I'm __**lost**__… __**I'm in pain…**__ She's not here… __**I can't find her…**__ All that's left of Bella are the memoirs of her scent… My heart feels like it's bleeding, __**delirious**__, my pulse is accelerated, and my cranium feels like it's about to DETONATE! And I have this pungent dearth of breath… I'm so tired of this solitude that continues to tear through the wounds of my soul;__** I'm in need of her**__… Isabella, I need you… I need to find you… Bella's my only truth, because I, I can't sustain without her._

_ My days without her are so __**dark**__, so long, and so gray, like an endless winter, those are my days without Isabella Swan. My days without her are so absurd, so __**bitter**__, and so tough, that's what my days without Bella are like. My days without her are void of nights, and if one comes into sight, it's useless to feign sleep because my days without Bella are all ready __**devastating**__ enough._

_ The hours have no beginning or end, so deficient of air and so chock-full of nothing… useless junk, trash on the ground._

_Tangled in the hours, I no longer know if she'll get here._

_ My days without Bella are like a sky without silvery moons, or traces of sun. Without Isabella, my days are only an echo, which always repeats the same __**destructive**__ song. Somehow, I don't think I'll be able to survive her if she doesn't come back to me. I completely destroyed every chance of that the night I (__**we**__) let her go._

Instead, I'm walking through a starless sky this time, still trying to understand who made hell out of paradise. It has been twenty-eight hours, forty-two minutes, and fifty-five seconds, make that fifty-six, of absence of Bella_. _I never felt more alone, until yesterday.

_ Kicking and stumbling through memories and visions of her, I'm still waiting for her to return with me. Biting at my fingernails, drowning in my sorrows, and missing Bella so much, throughout my days lacking her, and oh, how they impair, my days without her. _

_Isabella Swan, my prison, sweet condemnation that paralyzes this savage soul of mine. Unbeknownst to Bella, she's taught me, the sweet emotion of falling in love. _

_ Through it all, I'm still glancing to the door, hoping that any minute now, she will come bursting through. And still, I'm hunting for reasons to make me believe that even I exist. Imagine, I can only imagine that she's mine and once more feel that she belongs with me. _

_ But no matter how much I envisage her, it won't make it reality; I'm still lost without her and far from her love and heart, away from her love. Without an exit to this maddening reality, I was forced to look and see; I'm far from her love. _

_Come back!_

_**Please… **_

_Please… _

_**Come back!**_

_Your absence is pain._

While unvoiced and tacit in the abyss, I suddenly understood life's cry. Blaring, telling me that I've never had Bella and I've never lost her, and elucidating that love was something that occurs suddenly and naturally, full of fire, passion, and if its momentum were to wilt, without having a beginning, it would reach its end.

It wasn't so much the thought of Bella not coming back that terrified me, it was the thought that she _would _but I would have no place in her life, like I did now. Nothing would be the same, I knew, if she returned with Edward by her side. By then, she would have all ready accepted his apologies and probably gone back to loving him. And I couldn't blame her for doing so. That is the way it's supposed to be, from the start.

_Wasn't it? _

_**NO!**_

Enlightened by this vindictive elucidation, I cried for Bella, I cried without her, and finally understanding that she's never been mine, I cried for myself, feeling the sorrow of a loss that I wasn't supposed to feel, because Isabella Swan has never been mine for the take.

_ Trapped between my anger, pain, and resentment, I can't stop thinking about her, imagining her sad, tearstained face telling me; _I'm sorry, I want a world with him… I can't love you, I'm so sorry.

_Cursed be the moment I vowed the make her mine. _

_Damn this yearning need to see her again, I've all ready lost her._

_Damned be this fortune for loving her, even if it means the world falls apart._

_Damn the hour we promised to spend an eternity of relying on each other! And the promises obliterate… _

_Maybe it wasn't enough, maybe I was wrong. Today this pain is killing me… she doesn't even know that my heart beats solely for her._

_My sky is collapsing…_

Ironically, now that Bella's gone, I desire her like I desire the oxygen that runs through my veins, the blood which sooths the fires within my thirsting throat, and I no longer cared about what life was still screeching for me to hear; _I _needed_ to _need_ Bella. _That's all that mattered. But before that, in an attempt to alleviate the pain, I tried to forget her name, but in the air remained… her _voice_ and her _memories_, which have become _my_ voice and_ my _memories.

_Existing for her, I expire every minute…_

_I'm dying, dying to see her, agonizing, lethargically and strongly._

_The evenings are a maze and the nights taste purely of pain, when she's not here._

_And I'm dying, dying to see her… _

I just want to go back to those times in which the nights could find Bella falling asleep on my lap and I would breathe her in, feeling her warmth caressing me and my eyes followed the path of light where I end and she begins. Touching her for the first time a thousand times, filling my life with everything she saw, and following that path to my house, home because she's there. Back to finding out I love her much earlier than I did and letting her know…

Aching for Isabella, I'm lost in a sea of doubts. This pain kills me, while my mute tears drown me. Each moment she invades my body and soul, making my eyes laments, making me lose my cool. In fact, the quotes that mention that time heals all wounds and that time is a the healer of all necessary evils come to mind in constant replay, and I can't make up my mind as to whom I'd go after first, Chaucer or Menander, for their erroneous enlightenment if they were still around.

Time meant nothing to the agony I was currently undergoing, time isn't healing _shit_. If any of that had any grain of truth to it, I would have started to feel better twenty-six and a half hour ago. And at the rate this is going, I don't think I'll be feeling any better in the next half hour to one hour, much less beyond that.

Actually, I don't think I'll be right again, until Bella is standing before me in the flesh, tempting my demon for a taste with that damned tempting and near sinful aromatic scent she flaunts about every time she breathes or enters the room. After all, my world has become a sphere that ends at her feet. With her, in her, it's where I always want to be, back to her before I even get a chance to return.

_**Maybe, if she heard my lament, she would return…**_

* * *

**-J-**

* * *

Honestly, since Bella's been gone, all I can think are helpless thoughts after powerless thoughts, getting darker and darker by the passing hours of the hourglass;

_I don't want to be without her, if she's not here, there's excess oxygen._

_**I don't want to be without her, if she's not here, I lack peace.**_

_I can't live without her, if she's not here, the air burns me._

_**I don't want to be like this, if she's not here, others become no one.**_

* * *

_**-J-**_

* * *

Thinking back to the beginning, Bella was supposed to be _just_ another human girl. Only, unlike others before her, I would have the pleasure of getting to know her. But then, after just five minutes in her presence, Bella became someone precious. Without Bella even talking to me, or touching me, something within me ignited the moment Bella's eyes met mine. I could tell it was becoming late from her eyes but I had all but forgotten that time existed. I'd felt something so inexplicably profound, that there was no reason or logic habituating in my heart.

Little did I know, at the time, but I had opened the doors to my heart and had silently asked, begged Bella to come into my life. Since then, it had already been too late for me to turn back, Bella had become my illusion. And unknowingly, I'd wanted Bella to be the mistress of my heart, knowing that in her arms there would be no empty nights to endure, no nights of solitude.

After our time spent together, now there's no one else. I can't go back. I want her to own my heart, like I've always wanted her to, even if I have to _beg _her. I just need Bella to _save _me once and for all. _She just needs to hear me tell her that I love her. _

_**There's only one problem with that mindset, **_my snide demon interjected.

_And what's that? _I asked it impatiently.

_**Bella isn't yours, she's certainly not mine, and obviously not **_**ours**_**… **_his tone was so placating it had me trembling with fury. I hated it when my demon was right, and as much as it aggrieved me to divulge it, he was right now, too.

_She will be, _I vowed.

_**She better, **_he threatened, his hiss sounding alarmingly satisfied with my pledge**,** _**after all, we **_**need **_**her.**_

_I love her, _I greed.

* * *

_**-J-**_

* * *

_Exist_. That's what _Immortals_ like me occupy our time with, _existing_ and _sustaining _ourselves with the elixir of others life's time span. Our main concern is to stay atop the food chain, to not upset the balance between predator and prey, where we are the hunters and not the hunted. Secondly, if we see it necessary, we make a habit of keeping with the changes the decades bring. But sometimes, it is not necessarily essential to our survival. Therefore, there are some of us that simply vanish out of site and only come out to satiate our thirst and curiosity every once in a while. In other words, time is meaningless, nothing but a facing fancy.

Time is something that _is_ but isn't a notion to us. When you have immortality at your disposal, there is very little for you to concern yourself with when it comes to time. That is why making acquaintances with fleeting humans is something that we avoid if we want to avoid attachment and heartache. Death is something natural, whereas we aren't. Being an immortal means that we fleet through time untouched by illness or death, always moving forward, watching as everything around us decays and we remain.

Before Bella, I didn't know the difference between day and night, apart from the fact that I noticed the difference in climate. I just went through the motions, going to school with everyone, trying not to make a meal out of an innocent human, and coming back home where Alice preferred to be ensnared in her visions of the future rather than being with me. Physically she was always there, sharing our room, talking, and telling me now and again when something she spied pertained to me and an impending mistake that I was sure to make but she would help me avoid.

Now that I was giving it much thought, I realized that Alice never truly believed in me. She never had much faith in my will and strength to deny my demon anything and everything. And being that Alice was the one that knew me best, the rest of the family was made to follow in her wake and be thankful for her knack at avoiding the next Jasper mistake.

_Was there nothing about me that showed improvement?_ I would often wander idly; tired of Alice and her tirades of seeing which human Jasper might turn into a happy meal. I hated every single time Alice took it upon herself to take a moment and spy ahead into my future and I had to smile and thank her for looking out for me.

Hated the pity and worry in the eyes of the rest, but could never blame them, for I only resented Alice and her visions that interfered with what I wanted to do and what I would do, stripping me of my choices and will to make one. So now that I was faced with a choice, in avertedly, I felt like I needed someone else around to make the choice for me.

_I'm more than capable of making my own damned choices! Who is she to say that I hadn't changed my choice in order to spite her for telling me ahead of time what I "would" do?_ Alice and her visions, there is always something tricky and complicated about being gifted with the sight.

But then there is Bella, lovely, with her blind and obtuse trust in me… where Alice never took for granted my demon and my infamous lack of self control, Bella simply has too big a heart to believe that I would hurt her if I could avoid it, she has expectations of me, which I've been striving to meet.

Constantly challenging my control and thirst, provoking my demon, with her need to have me nearer than was adequately necessary in order to appease her sleeping demons at night, Bella would look at me with her doe eyes and earnestly tell me; _Jasper, I trust you. Won't you trust yourself a little more? You don't want to hurt me, do you? So you won't, you can't hurt me, Jasper._

As if it was as simple as that. Bella has more faith in me, than both Alice and myself combined ever had in my ability to deny myself what I want. But, if I'm being honest with myself, Bella wasn't the only one to blame in that aspect. I never did refuse her, _much_. Knowing that Bella had certain expectations of me, provided me with something to focus on, which I never had before, someone to please and make proud with each day that went on by and I didn't _slip _down the deep end.

Like my touch, which she craved for so openly, I secretly craved for hers and wanted to openly give into that ever _growing _need of just _caressing _and _possessing _every inch of her skin, while unabashedly taking advantage of her need and trust in me, just like the monster I am. Had I been a better man, I would have felt ashamed by my indiscretion, but I honestly wasn't and I _am_ a lesser man.

Each night, I looked forward to the next sunset in hopes that I'd get to hold Bella again, breathe her in, and struggle through my _desire_ to drain every crimson drop of blood in her luscious body, my need to possess her heart, mind, body, blood, and soul, and my lustful masochist _libido_, which grew with every sigh and throaty moan that would escape her innocently parted mouth during sleep.

Currently, I'm left missing all of those things that made my nights so memorable by her side. I even wish for the always present inferno that made its presence known, whenever I inhaled her scent, or she entered the room and I wasn't ready for her yet, to ignite once again and remind me that I am a beast and a monster, always reaching for the beauty that will never belong to him.

All along, coveting my brother's woman and trying not to see it, because that would have meant that the word "monster" would no longer fit my full description. There would be no one-word words to describe what I've become any longer… Bella can't possibly accept someone like me, could she?

_I hate myself for hoping… but they say that hope is the last thing that goes, after all._

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Now that I knew exactly where I stood and what I need to do in order to be happy, I knew that I had no other choice. I had to fight for Bella. I need her love as much as I need to feed my thirst right now. Besides, now that I've tried her love and I discovered who I am, it seems like all of my roads come to an end reaching for her.

There's nothing else I can do, except make Bella feel what she means to me, live for her. To reach Isabella, I would discover the universe just to follow behind her steps if I have to, even if it meant I would have to find a way to fly across the sky.

_**Mushy and too overly emotional, in my opinion, but a good start,**_the demon accepted_**, it will have to do. **_

I'd forgotten he's been listening. Instead of responding, however, I just continued to get lost in all my musings, unable to halt my thoughts to insult the snide.

_**Snide is my **_**tone **_**of voice, I can't do anything about that, **_the demon protested, feeling indignant by my dismissal and ignoring him.

Again, I paid him no mind. No matter how I try to forget about Bella, I always end up finding her in the recesses of my wilting mind. Suddenly, just when I was in the process of picking out the words I would say to Bella upon her return, my phone vibrated in my pocket, just once.

_A text._

_**Are you going to look? If you won't I will…**_

_I will…_

_**Now!**_

_I'm not ready!_

_**You don't even know what it says! Of course you aren't ready! Pus-**_

_I'm looking now, happy?_

_**Getting there…**_

Reaching for my right back pocket, I extracted my phone and with trembling hands, brought it into sight. With a touch of my finger, I brought the screen to light and as I suspected, there was a text from dear Alice waiting to be read.

_I thought I told her not to contact me unless they were on their way back…_

_**Who cares, read the damned thing… Right. Now. Jasper.**_

With a quivering breath, I unlocked the screen and clicked on the awaiting, pulsating message, and much too quickly for my taste, the screen changed and I could read the message;

_Jasper, I know what you said, and I'm sorry._

_But Bella asked me to write. _

_She's worried about you._

* * *

My hands shook violently as I read Bella's name on my screen and even more as I tried to steady them and read that she was worried about me while out putting her life in danger for Edward, the one she loves and the one who had once abandoned her. For a fleeting moment of wishful thinking, I thought that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't only me. Perhaps, just maybe, I wasn't the only one keeping these feelings hidden. Maybe, Bella felt the same way?

* * *

_She told me to tell you this; _

_You promised._

* * *

As I read this next portion of the text, I smiled, my first smile in the last forty-eight hours, I realized as I glanced at the clock on my screen. _I'm here Bella, I'm still her, I remember our promise and I haven't gone anywhere. __**We won't go anywhere. **_

But as I read the last portion of the text, my hands shook so much that my phone dropped out of my hands and I couldn't catch it as I stood, momentarily freaked out, and finally obeyed my demon and my thirst, keeping that last sentence running on the back on my mind in a loop.

* * *

_We are on our way home…_

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

_** A/N: **__Well, this is chapter 28, hope you all enjoyed it. Bella is finally on her way home and Jasper's suffering is about to come to an end, or so he, we hope… I write faster chapters for reviews people! Let me know what you think and I'll be handing out teasers for the next chapters to those who take the time to do so. Good day to you all! _


	30. Vestiges of April

**_A/N: _**_IT'S HERE! GO AHEAD AND READ MY EAGER MINIONS!_

* * *

**...**

* * *

**_Formerly;_**

Jasper, I know what you said, and I'm sorry.

But Bella asked me to write.

She's worried about you.

* * *

**...**

* * *

_ As I read this next portion of the text, I smile, my first smile in the last forty-eight hours, I realize as I glance at the clock on my screen. _I'm here, Bella, I'm still here. I remember our promise and I haven't gone anywhere. **We won't go anywhere.**

_ But as I read the last portion of the text, my hands shake so much that my phone drops out of my hands and I can't catch it as I make to stand, momentarily freaking out, and finally obey my demon and my thirst, keeping that last sentence running on the back on my mind in a loop._

* * *

**_..._**

* * *

We are on our way home…

* * *

******_..._**

******_..._**

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

** Chapter 29: **

** _Vestiges of April_**

Stagnant, caught in between the all enveloping stillness of the surrounding pines, haphazardly caging me in their scented sea of green and brown, and the mouthwatering thirst, and _need_ to sink my venom coated teeth into the pelt of my possible prey. With its wet, strong, compelling, and thundering heart, thumping in my ears noisily and luring me in.

Like an undeviating cry for the unquenchable thirst, constricting, pounding, thrashing, crashing, and tempting. Conducted by a small heard of deer that currently beckon to me, I can just hear and _feel_ them. They are just a rush away from my location, grazing urgently at the grass beneath their delicately prancing hooves in their hunger, and as of yet, unaware of my predatory presence so close to their peaceful midst.

_It would be so easy…_ If I just launch and run stealthily to the southeast of where I am now perched, squatting on a sturdy pine tree branch, then I will surely catch up to them and be able to quench my thirst, all before any of them has the opportunity to flee. I am sure.

It would be quick and lethal, _primordial_. Uncalculating, with only my instincts spurring me into action and allowing me to feast, _bask_ in the moment, and the prime animalistic nature of it all -the anticipation of the _hunt_.

Only, this hunter is looking, searching, and hoping for another kind of heartbeat. Stronger, wetter, and much, much more fragile and appealing to _its_ taste buds than that of a deer's, which he cannot seem to place in this blasted green and brown infested vicinity. But _it_ knows he isn't allowed to go seeking after its preferred pumping beat….

**_Human… Just this once… _**it breathes weakly, pleadingly and eagerly, and hopeful, like _it_ always does during these moments. **_Like the olden days of savagery and galore… glorious conquests… the tang of FEAR that lingers teasingly on the tongue… _Glorious_…_**

Even though _it_ knows that his needs will not be taken into account, _it_ cannot give up his pleads without trying, once again. That's our one common denominator, in a sense, and what makes our coexistence bearable.

My fingers are knuckle deep into the pine tree's trunk, supporting the weight of my somewhat diagonal pose, and sinking deeper into the bark as I listen, intently and attentively, to the convening lullaby of my thirst. Needing and wanting for a taste of that fiery-liquid song, which streams lethargically through the canals of arteries and veins like a plentiful river, but stubbornly abstain.

_Thu-thump, thud-thu-thump, thud-thump, thu-thud-thump… _The hypnotic melody entices, causing my venom to pool and inundate in the cavern of my mouth with the oppressing _need _andmy entire body coils and tenses in anticipation.

My tens limbs wait for me to allow myself a chance to spring into motion with a trickle of burning, lingering eagerness that flames up from the coccyx's of my vertebra throughout the length of my spine, trying to reach and cloud my judgment. _It _wants to take over and push _me _aside.

_There is nothing to lose, _I think, trying to appease my mind and morbidly add, _only myself._

Not ready to yield my control, I fight against instinct and try to not give into my demon's persuasive pleas. Instead, I decide to distract myself by arguing with _it_ verbally.

_I've come too far to slip up now, _I scowl, letting my demon know that I am not up for entertaining _its_ shenanigans at present time. _I -_we- _can't disappoint her now…_

_ **How do you know she'll be disappointed? **It_ argues hoarsely. And prodding weakly into the forefront of my mind, pointedly indignant and exploited by my denial, just as weakly ads, **_Isabella knows and accepts our nature, what we are. _**_It_ pauses, savoring her name and the accompanying memory of her _smell _against _its_ tongue, before continuing. **_She can't hold our source of sustenance against us…_**

_Even if she can't, I can, _I interject pointblank, dismissing his argument as if it I had never heard it in the first place, or at least try to. _Though you make quite a morbid point… _

**_ JAS- _**

I shut my demon out. I do not want to hear, I no longer want to be influenced by anything or anyone, by _it_. Too long it has been, since I can feel any semblance of total control over what I do, feel, see, hear, and observe. Now it is my turn to be in absolute control.

I'm not about to give up on the chance to feel like I belong to myself, and myself alone, for once. Now that I have the rare opportunity to bask in how peaceful it feels, I cannot, _not_ fight for control, even if it meant going against my stronger self, the demon in my view.

Knowing that it isn't every day that I get to _not _feel anything beside what _I _am supposed to feel because it _belongs _to me and me alone, I relish in the atypical occasion. There is nothing and no one here to taint my emotions, and I find cannot be more protective of this moment of opportunity, even if I try. Keeping that in mind, I launch into a swirling and soundless decent onto the untraded path of misty green grass, still holding onto clinging droplets of early morning dew.

Glancing up at the dancing leaves, I close my eyes and allow myself to _feel_ as a torrential breeze rushes by, roughly greeting the gathered pines in passing and carries my scent along. Continuing to fleet onwards, the wind playfully stills and then, just as soon, rushes ahead, once again, in the direction of the once peaceful heard of deer, now fleeing thanks to its subtle warning.

As my demon roars in aggravation, I throw my head back and thank the wind and its inopportune appearance for the small respite it momentarily provides me with. Of course, now that my focus is captured by the immense blueness of the sky above, I am forced to admire it.

And not for the first time, I wonder why there is no rain, no bleakness, and no natural manifestation to simulate my darkest hours of absence of Isabella Swan. _Even nature takes it upon itself to deride my pain,_ I can only assume. I sigh as my eyes scan more of the vast skies. Naturally, I catch sight of the sun next; luring me into observing the great shifting shadows it casts upon its vast dominion of swaying evergreen bellow.

Unable to further prolong the inevitable, I am pain strikingly reminded of the current time. Sixty-two hours and a half of absence of Bella… about another ten hours, until the time I will have the humbling privilege of catching a glimpse of her and her dark tresses catching and bellowing in the wind's playful nature, or her skin, translucent and radiant, under the unaffecting kisses of sunlight, and her molten chocolate eyes, which can destroy or restore me with _one_ glance.

I am afraid to even ponder as to what they might reflect upon her return, what they might inevitably tell and inform me, and afraid that they might hold the key to my reluctant freedom. Whether they will be as sadden as I first saw them the second time I willingly returned to her side, or will they still hold in their depths that familiar kindle of mirth I have slowly witness giving birth within their dark vigor.

Growing amidst the nadir of her tortured abyss, slowly but surely, it began from the embers of her melancholy dwindling, still fervent and present at times, to form a brittle spark of contentment, which later turned into blazing joy. With growing force, I witnessed its nurturing fire smolder and grow during my days spent, anchored to Bella and her addicting warmth.

Like a moth to a flame, I stayed by her and fed the flames of her mirth any way imaginable, from jokes to simple gestures that were a little too risqué from someone like myself, who kept claiming to be _just _another, if unlikely, friendly vampire. Probably, I hadn't been trying to fool anyone but myself.

Trying to rid myself of these morose thoughts, I begin a lazy run in the direction of the departing hooves and their noisy prancing, in search of that hypnotic call without a sound in my step. Basking in the thrill of the hunt, coursing with tingling tendrils through the length of my moving body, I allow the anticipation to build and guide me. An exhilarating leap that has me soaring above the peak of some pine trees later and I taste the venom flooding my mouth and burn down my throat as I swallow it.

Even though my thirst is at its most scorching peak, demanding to be quenched with its painful blare burning up the column of my esophagus, I feel rather reluctant to give in and let my demon do what it does best; _hunt, kill, _and_ devour_. For once, I am willing to share in the moment and do it _together, _alongside my demon_._

_ **Together**_, my demon accepts and I am surprised to find that it almost sounds _pleased _despite its obvious defeat.

_Together…_

Once again, I'm leaping and soaring, moving my feet faster and faster, until they are practically soundlessly gliding over the cool grass, still damp with the clinging drops of dew, and everything around me is but a blur of brown and green in the peripheral of my focused vision. Except, this time, as I tense the muscles of my legs for another leap, I startle myself as a plea of exhilarated laughter tears from my throat and ricochets all around me and causes a flock of birds to caw angrily at the disturbance and flee.

_Oops… there goes my meal, _I chuckle as I hear them trying to flee and escape from the oppression of my incoming intrusion, now not so silent than before. Feeling reckless and with not a care, I throw my head back again and laugh out loud. _Bella's coming back, she's on her way home!_

**_At last… HOME is coming to us._**

* * *

**_…_**

* * *

By the time my demon and I finish fully gorging ourselves in the exhilaration of the hunt and its reward, the blood, five hours and forty-two minutes have eclipse us by in the time that it took us to track down the heard and feed, after some liberating fun.

Now we were retracing our titillating trail back to Forks, Washington. Apparently, I had gone quite off track, heading nowhere in particular, _fast_, when I'd set out for a bite in my state of… _Well, I had been freaking out, what can I say?_ To say that I'm a little ashamed is stretching the truth quite _thin_.

Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to Bella's return but I know that if she sees me in the state that I'm in right now, looking like a crazed nomad, it wouldn't bode well for either of us. Especially if she comes dragging Edward in tow by the hand close behind her. Just the _thought _makes my chest and heart contrite! And then, what if-

**_Don't, don't think it! _**my demon admonishes and pleads. Grateful, I relent.

_I want to be near her… feel her skin, run my hair through the dark river of her tresses, and taste her nearness in my tongue… _

_ **To be tempted by the caret rivers of her rushing veins… and those titivating pools of blood that seem to take permanent residence on her soft, delicate cheeks… to feel the burn, want, need, desire, longing, and protectiveness only she can summon… **_

_Feel her warmth under my fingertips and against my body… witness the effect my frosted fingertips, warming over her skin, evoke from her skin, hyperaware of our clashing temperature, sweet torture, as it puckers and brailles under my vacillating, unsure caresses… _

**_ Fighting against the role of Death bringer and the need to allow her to live through yet another midnight silver moon, so that we can be in awe of her writhing bodice under its illumination, fighting nightmares that I can only hope I star in… _**

_ Her comforting hands caressing and reassuring on either side of my face… her wide, doe eyes, open and trusting, a smile curving the twin corners of her mouth letting me know that there's no way I can ever hurt her… _

_ **To hear her voice… a whisper made up of water and smoke, a breathtaking thief, that is always accompanied by the sound of that stuttering heartbeat, like hummingbird fluttering wings…**_

_Receive the searing, electrifying shock at the feel of her lips upon my cheek or brow and desiring that her lips may stray to, at least, the corner of my mouth…_

_ **The sound of her moan when she's pleased…**_

_The sound of her content moan when the calming, warm tendrils of her shower relax her muscles and she lathers her body with whatever it is that makes her scent that much more maddening, intoxicating, and tempting… Yeah, _just _water… _

_ **Her blood…**_

_Her beating heart…_

**_ Ours beats for her…_**

_It does…_

I sigh longingly and my body momentarily trembles with that same longing as a breeze catches on to my blond, slight curls with engaging eagerness, as if prompting me onwards. With a slight frown, I obey the silent beckon.

_Another five hours… _I think, coming to a screeching halt and digging my barefooted heels in the dirt as I unceremoniously trample on the grass beneath my feet. We sigh, as the realization hits us and we become ruefully aware of the fact that there are, _still_,another five hours to endure…

**_We should have gone with her, _**_it_ bemoans.

_You know we couldn't have, _I remind _it_, _we have been banned by the Volturi from ever again setting foot in Volterra, in Italy, period. _

_ **Oh, that matter… **_my demon mutters mockingly. **_That was ages ago, they've probably forgotten all about us by now…_**

_Remember now? _I sigh in frustration, _It _was_ your doing, thanks to your blunder. Anyway, the Volturi _certainly _never forgives, or forgets. _

_ **Quick to point fingers, aren't we? **it_ says with snide. **_If I remember correctly, and I always do, you were there too…_**

_That's beside the point, _I point out, _after all, there's very little you can do without _me_. Oh, no, wait. There's _nothing _you can do without me._

_ **Fine! **It _actually pouts and grumbles, **_Rub it in Jasper… it's not like I _want _to need you… _**

_Fine, _I placate, _it was all for Maria… when we still thought she might actually love us._

My demon snorts and hisses, **_You never did let me kill the bitch._**

_Even you have regrets… _I whisper delicately. Surprisingly, I feel a brush of vulnerability from my demon that fades as soon as I sense it. _That's why we couldn't go and accompany her, why it never occurred to us to go with her._

**_The Volturi simply fears us, _**_it_ argues, annoyed with my unwillingness to go against the Volturi mandate for the sake of the one we love and happy to have something to be angry about that doesn't involve feeling vulnerable. **_They fear our strength and power… they know and have seen what we've done and accomplished, together. _**My demon furiously and savagely snarls, **_They wouldn't even severe our head, we are too valuable to them, indispensable. There's nothing we need to fear for!_**

_I fear for Isabella, _I quietly reflect and my thoughts sober my demon up instantly, causing _its_ mood to become solemn. I frown, for the first time eager and impatient to hear _its_ thoughts. So eager, in fact, that when the silence stretches too long, I want to speak up again and ask or demand for an answer… Instead, I search for a surge of patience and hold on to it, waiting for _it _to be ready and supply me willingly with the answers that will satiate my curiosity.

**_You are right… _**I'm surprised by _its_ sudden admittance, when the answers are finally provided. **_Don't act so surprised, _**_it_ berates and I cringe, **_by now you should understand this, we are _one_ and as _one_ I _love_, _care _for_, _and_ die _for what or, in this case, who you _love_… _Isabella...**

_Isabella, _I agree, smiling ruefully as I dare and utter her name out loud, "Isabella."

Each syllable and consonant of her name feels like a caress against my savoring tongue. Just then, I am aware of the fact that I have miss_ saying_ her name out loud. I have miss _calling_ for her. Suddenly growing impatient with time's crawling passage, I dare glance at my watch.

"Four hours!" I groan loudly and something, or rather, _someone _behind me rustles out from between the overgrown branches and close knitted woods. Calmly, I turn and I'm eye level with a heaving, wet smelling, and warm chest of russet pelt.

My eyes travel the width and length of the massive chest until I'm met with rather intelligent black eyes for a brute animal and that's when it hits me, _Jacob Black. _Bella's best friend, _male _best friend, Jake, and one of the resident shifting werewolves of the off limits La Push reservation with a mutant growth spurt. _I knew something was stinking up the air… _I sigh.

That small and unconscious reminder alone helps me remind me that I _must _keep the beastly mutt alive and not damage him in any form or manner, unlike last time while he was still human. At least, until Bella gets back and I can talk her into allowing me to vent my pent up anger and aggravation on her bestie, with the very false promise of compromising to try and be civil.

Since I can't lie straight to her face with the promise of trying to become "friends" of all things, that's such a big lie I can't even bring myself to believe. The mutant beast above me growls as it sniffs me and his snout draws back in distaste, revealing dangerous looking canines. Returning the courtesy, I look at Jake with contempt.

"Don't worry mutt," I tell him, rolling my eyes, "I don't like your brand of cologne either." For emphasis, I scrunch up my nose as I take a hesitant sniff. Jake huffs and rolls his eyes. However, when I do, I'm forced to take a step back from the concentrated stink now muddling up my thoughts of Bella. "Man, what do you eat for breakfast?" I protest, "Stink bombs?"

The sadistic beast actually has the audacity to look and sound like he's laughing, or barking a laugh, I should say. I smirk or maybe grimace. And next thing I know, there's a six foot something, taller than I, naked teenager standing in front of me.

While Jacob puts on his pants and looks anywhere around us but at me, I avert my eyes and give him some privacy. Though I want to, I keep the snide comment about how he's actually the one that decided to shift back in front of me rather than, let's say, going behind a tree, which they are in abundance, and coming back to talk or whatever _after _he's decent.

Therefore, _I _am the one who should be having the right of passage to look remotely embarrassed, not him, if anything. But, sometimes I'm nice and benevolent to mutts and people alike, and besides, I figured the situation was awkward enough without my snide help, so I let it be.

"So, aren't there supposed to be some treaty lines in effect or something?" I ask offhandedly, for something to say before my own thoughts about Bella took me from the here and now. "Not that I'm not happy to see you…" I add sarcastically.

Jake snorts. "They are," he admits, shrugging, "And I _would _be following them if we were still within the limits… since we are not… it's a free for all!" His smile widens, almost a smirk now, and his eyebrows rise up to his hairline, a small challenge shining through his black eyes.

I ignore it. "Right." Jake relaxes _slightly _and I scratch the nape of my neck, looking around and trying to figure out where the _hell _we are. "Where _exactly _are we?" _I'm really out of it._

"South, heading north, if you want to be heading to Forks," Jake answers slowly, uncertainly. I nod, answering his question and asking for him to go on as my golden eyes meet his black ones again. Yes, he's wearing pants, but no shirt. "We're nearing the Olympic National Park in about another…" he takes a moment and sniffs the air before adding, "one hundred and twelve miles." I nod slowly in thanks, making quick calculations as to how long it might take me to get back home before Bella does when-

"Can I ask a question of my own?" Sharply, I meet Jacob's eyes but he doesn't flinch, he has a determined look on his face. Reluctantly and a little resigned, I nod. Let him have his question, it'll be my way of repayment. Jake sighs, relieved, and asks, "What's going on with Bella, why did she leave with that other bloodsucker, and where was she going with her?"

"First of all," I gritted out, trying to contain the fury brought on by Jacob's casual use of Bella's name, "that's three questions. Not _one._" I breathe in deeply and continue, "Second, is that any of your concern?"

My words are biting and so is my stance, and the look in my eyes can't be anything short of murderous. So how is it that Jacob is still standing before me, looking solemn of all things? As I get a probing of his feelings, I understand; _comradeship. _For a moment, I'm so confused as to what brought up this particular emotion in him that all I can do is tremble with fury and questions.

"You too…" he finally whispers and my eyes widen several times as understanding spreads through me like a balm, because, suddenly, I'm no longer shaking. Instead, I'm looking for answers in the eyes of someone that I never would have imagined could hold any.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," I mutter shakily through trembling lips and try to pass it for a dry laugh, only, it's too painful to keep up the pretense.

"You love her," he grimaces and, as if he needs to, clarifies, "Bella." Jake laughs dryly and swallows thickly as if all the water has suddenly evaporated from his body, leaving him on the verge of dehydration.

"And if I do?" I scowl, trying not to flinch at the sound of her name in the lips of another man. "How's that any of your business, mutt?" The mutt in question flinches at my vehemence, but otherwise, doesn't seem affected.

"It isn't," he admits and flinches, saying, "I just understand how you feel… _hopeless _but unable to give up _hope_."

For a moment, his words resonate so deep and true within me that I can't do anything but stare and glare between his twin orbs of sorrowful onyx. Hating the truth behind his words I reach out to him, hoping to catch the deceit I couldn't hear in his voice through his emotions. Emotions can't lie.

What I find there further annoys me, because I can feel that he _honestly_ believes that he _does_ understand and for that fact, I don't lash out at him. I bite my tongue and swallow the bile of venom trying to lurch out my mouth along with all the things I want to tell him, just to prove and let him know the many ways that we are _nothing _alike. Instead, I continue to silently tremble in place because no matter how much I deny it, he does, to some extent, understand.

Strangely enough, my demon is leaving me all alone to handle this one, his emotions passive and serine from within, basically, everything that I'm not right now. Once again, I detest my demon but by now, after those three mutilating days, in which only _its _consciousnesskept me grounded and sane to some degree, I embrace the opposite poles of our strange correlation.

As this thought occurs to me, my demon stirs within and I feel him whisper something that I can't quite make out but it feels like a hugging caress and sounds like an old promise made. Sounds like, "**_I promised._**"

"You are so young, Jacob," I whisper and my voice is a strangled cry that stretches out and grabs on to him, momentarily panicking before I see the tears I want to shed rolling down his cheeks. "Thank you…" I show my gratitude and feel his confusion trying to override everything I'm imposing on him as I continue to cry. "Thank you for crying the tears I can't," I clarify as I cry my dry tears.

_I'm really losing it now, _I contemplate dejectedly, _crying alongside my enemy… _But strangely enough, I feel no embarrassment or regret to be unwillingly sharing this moment with the mutt, with Jacob Black, Bella's best friend. For the first time, I think that I understand why Bella keeps him around, not that I'll ever admit it to anyone…

"Wha-what is this?" Jacob asks, trembling alongside me as my uncontrollable sobs rakes his and my body and not understanding the reason behind his sudden, unnatural weight of foreign sorrow.

"My sorrow," I tell him and I'm surprised that I'm being honest without further explaining and that he somehow manages to understand.

"Is this, like, your… power?" Jake asks, feeling like the word power might not be quite right for the phenomenon he is experiencing but figuring it is the best he can come up with, given the situation. "I've heard the tales… do all of you-"

"Yes," I answer quietly and add, "No. I'm the only one I've ever met with this rare… gift?"

He nods and I suddenly realize that I'm willingly giving the enemy vital information that no matter how they try can never be used against me. I don't care. Somehow, in the short time we've been forced into this situation, I've managed to esteem the mutt up to be someone who doesn't like to play dirty.

**_He should be honored, _**my demon sneers and I fight to keep my eyes from rolling, lest I look like a crazed Vampire who's lost his marbles. **_Marbles_, **my demon snorts, chuckling.

"I'm sorry," Jake interrupts, effectively providing me with the distraction I needed before I ended up laughing, "but do you think you can, you know, stop?" I try. "Your sorrow feels… _old_?" Jake gives me an apologetic smile and I can't help it, I laugh out loud.

"I'm sorry…" Of course, a moment later, Jake is laughing with me, still under the influence of my projection. "Decades to practice and I still need _more _practice," I explain as my laughter dies down. "That would explain why it _feels,_" I snort at the absurdity, "old."

Jacob snickers, smirking. "I meant no disrespect, honest!"

There's a long moment of comfortable, amiable silence that ensues and I take a moment to gather my thoughts and control as we continue to walk north, in the direction of Forks. Slowly, as I walk and Jake keeps pace with me, his enemy and Vampire, I contemplate about how much to tell Jacob, in regard to Bella's disappearance. Figuring that he's going to find out about it all later, anyway, I decide on everything that applies to Bella, no Volturi.

More calmly now, I answer his questions, "She went to rescue Edward from his suicide mission in Volterra, Tuscany Italy." Pausing to see if the mutt is still following, I meet his eyes and they are wide with horror and shock, and further explain, "The person you spoke to on the phone that time was Edward, he thought that…"

Instantly I feel the slam of recognition, followed by a pang of guilt in quick succession. Then, with a big gulp that makes it look like he's swallowing against sandpaper, he attempts to finish my sentence, since it is obvious _I_ can't bring myself to finish it.

"It was Bella's," he chokes on the unthinkable word before trying again and in a hush says, "_funeral?_" I nod; Jacob goes pale and buries his face in his big hands, more of that gnawing guilt eating him from the inside. "It's _my_ fault…" he bemoans. This time, I'm kind and don't nod, his guilt is enough. "You think…" I know he's about to say something unthinkable and prepare myself as best I can as he adds, "she'll come back alive?"

His question is like a punch to the gut that manages to take a fist of it before coming back for more. Previously, my demon and I, we hadn't _dared _think of the possibility of Bella not coming back alive, the idea to horrible to entertain. As far as we got was imagining her returning with a broken leg on a cast and a few bruises, things that we'd already witness her enduring through her experience with James…

No matter how I prepared myself to hear it, it still hurts… so much that I'm projecting again and Jake yelps and groans under the weight of its oppression before I manage to throw and apologetic glance his way and breathlessly answer;

"She has to…" Jake nods, head still bowed and eyes now closed as if in a silent prayer that I managed to add a silent _Amen _to when I saw his dilated eyes burst open and glance my way with a crazed and desperate flare pouring from much as I need Bella to return to me safe and sound, Jake just wants her to return home _breathing _and _alive_. Again, like a prayer, I repeat, "She _has _to…"

There's no conviction there, and still, Jake nods, wanting to believe my words even though he doesn't know the worse of it… the Volturi… But I won't tell him, I need for him to hold on to the hope I feel going down in embers within me.

**_Or I'll go kill her myself, _**my demon adds, wide-eyed, unable to keep his horror at the very idea hidden from me.

* * *

**…**

* * *

Blinking rapidly, I stare at my phone and at the message that I've been reading for the past… according to the digital clock on the mobile device, hour, and try to process what they mean… _What the hell is Peter thinking? _I wander for the, I've lost count, in an hour.

Actually, I've been standing inside Bella's closed closet for about an hour and a half now. The first half hour was spent staring at my phone like it was _Pandora's _box when I first spied Peter's two texts on my inbox, ominously titled, _Vestiges_, along with a missed call from Emmett and chose the cowardly way out and called Emmett instead.

However, as it often happens with missed calls, I didn't get Emmett on the phone so I forced to once again ponder about what to do with my _Pandora's _box, open it and spread the evil onto the earth with only hope left, or never open it and avoid the catastrophes.

Even though it was _half _an hour later, curiosity _did _kill the cat and I had had no other choice but to give in and open the damned thing, which kept me frozen like a Greek statue for the next _hour _after that and still, Emmett wouldn't call back... _I'll make him pay next time I see him, _I thought maliciously.

Now, finally I was regaining eyelid movement. Hence, the blinking… and my voice, vowel movements are working too, judging by the hiss whistling right between my tight lips.

With a heavy sigh, I glanced at the lit up screen and reread what I had reread for the past hour one more time, Peter's and Charlotte's ominous texts;

_Brash as ever Major?_

_Need a wingman? Call Peter!_

_(My number is on the sender box!) ;]_

_STUPID ASS MAJOR! _

_(That's Lottie, not me, mind you.)_

* * *

**_…_**

* * *

_If you need help, stop jerking off _

_and FUCKING call a brother, Major._

_We're on our way DUMBASS Major! (Lottie) _

* * *

**…**

* * *

Groaning, I dragged a rough hand across the length of my face. _What does Peter, with his knack for knowing crazy and random shit, know now? _Clearly, I have no if the crazy shit knew what I was thinking, my phone buzzed in my pocket and upon inspection, it revealed it was another text from Peter. Scowling, I opened it;

_NO 'EFFIN' IDEA!_

_Stop sweating the MINOR details_

_DUMBASS MAJOR (Lottie)_

_Still Love You (TOTALLY Lottie) ;]_

* * *

**…**

* * *

These two will have me in a nutshell by the time they get here if I don't get some answers _right _this minute… I can just picture Peter rolling his eyes at me and the imagery makes me smirk slightly. And of course he would fit _this _into the _minor _details category, figures, so like Peter to do. _The little shit, _I think affectionally, _I love you too, moron._

Deciding that I was too riled up to text at the moment, still inside Bella's closet, I sank to the floor with a heaving sigh. _I will deal with this shit later, _I promised myself. _For now, there's still another forty-five minutes…_

* * *

**…**

* * *

**Forty-Five Minutes Later…**

_There's something wrong with me,_ I figured. My daydreaming and hallucinations were now getting the better of me, I understood and recognized. Because there were still another fifteen minutes left before Bella is due to arrive and here she is before me, smiling and crying at the same time, like a crazed person, and calling my name, which sounds amazing coming from her fake lips… which strangely enough _feel _so _real _when she leans forward and kisses my brow.

I frown and feeling slightly crossed eye, stare intently at the fake Bella before looking around the room, because I had moved to her bed five minutes ago, and that's when Bella's hallucination decides to take me by surprise and hug me… it's so _warm _I barely manage to moan in pleasure… Again, I frown.

"Jasper!" the hallucination cries, "I'm here! Jasper!" And her hands are on either side of my face, warming me up and making my heart ache… _if only she were truly here… _Then, the most _curious _thing happens… her palm in on my heart and I can't have that. My heart doesn't belong to some _hallucination_, it belongs to the _real _Bella Swan, the one that arrives in another ten minutes…

Faster than a mere hallucination can blink, I grab it by the throat and plan on making it disappear by slamming it against the wall when I realize something else… _I can touch and feel the warmth of a hallucination and it gets realistically startled, enough for me to emotionally feel it?_

Before the head and body of the hallucination can slam against the wall, I cradle it, keeping it from harm and my grip against her throat slackens while my body flushes against the hallucination that refuses to disappear. She's now breathing easier, but shallow, and her heart is pounding almost too real and erratic in my ears.

Wanting to see if the hallucinations eye bare some semblance to the eyes of my Bella, I crane my neck and stare into the twin pools of chocolate that still trail tears, though drying ones now. They look _exactly _like hers and I want her to vanish, I _need _the _real _Bella, not this conjured up semblance of my imagination. Even though she's a hallucination, I can't bring myself to hurt her, to hurt Bella, so I can't say the words that will vanish her for fear that the hurt in her eyes will be similar to Bella's.

Instead, body slightly quivering; I decide to test something else… her warmth. This hallucination is wearing skin painted jeans, that's how tight they seem in my eyes, so I allow my hands to deftly find the backs of either side of her knees and push her further up against the wall until I'm breathing her warm breath and our foreheads are touching.

Like this new position entitles, the hallucinations legs wrap around the small of my back and my center and hers are aligned. I take a shuddering breath to try and remind myself that this isn't Bella, because the real one, I couldn't do this with the real one. _Too real, too real, too… impossible… _There's still another five minutes before _she _arrives.

Still, she feels so warm that my fingers can't help but skim over her warmth reverently, from the outside of her thighs, slowly past her waist, vacillate over the swell of her puckering breasts, and finally admire the column of her neck as she whispers my name with the imitation of _her _voice.

Now, because I want and need to know, I bury my face in the crook of her neck and inhale her in. This is the final test; a hallucination can't possibly smell as good as the original, as _authentic. _Once again, this hallucination dares to prove me wrong so I can't do anything but ask;

"Must you torture me so?" It is but a plead, which I pour into the depths her doe eyes, too similar to _hers _to actually be possible, and effectively heartbreaking_. _"I just want the real Bella back…" I bemoan and like the crumbling man I am, I begin to quiver and expect little bits and pieces of me to fall but they remain, and that's when the hallucination startles me with her laugh.

"Jasper," she breathes, catching her breath between chuckles and I shiver as she adds, "I am the real Bella!"

I scrutinize her features for a moment and my eyes go to the open door and I find myself frowning as I almost cannot dear to hope, a moment ago, that door hadn't been open… I glance back at the woman, literally, trapped between the wall and me in wonder… _Can I dare to hope? _

_ **Yes, **_my demon urges, eager to find out if this could be it, finally it. **_She's back? _**_It _isn't certain but neither am I…

"I found… you?" I finally manage to choke out, fearing that this is naught but a dream…

But the warm woman, still flush against my winter gives a nod of confirmation as she bites her lower lip, trying not to laugh at, probably, the stupid and astounded look on my face.

Without further preamble, I hug her closer, almost too close, close enough to break her, and burying my face at her neck I inhale her in, deeply, and my lips brush against her warm column as I whisper, "Bella… I can't believe I've finally _found _you…"

* * *

**…**

**…**

* * *

**_A/N: _**_Tata! The end! For now, I mean… don't freak out on me, I wouldn't be _that_ mean... *smirk*_

_So, guys, this is the end of the next chapter. I hope it's been as enjoyable as the previous ones. What are your thoughts and opinions on what you want and hope to see happen next chapter? You can let me know by reviewing or personally PMing me, and I will e-mail you a teaser for the next chapter for your time and troubles. _

_ On another note, I would like to let all of you that I am slowly going back to the beginning and revising every chapter I have written for this story and editing it. Meaning, I might have added a few sentences here and there, while correcting spelling, putting periods, commas, semicolons, and the like where they belong, fixing run in sentences, and minor errors of the like. Or in some cases, added some uncut material that didn't make it, for some reason, the last time I first posted the story._

_ In general, I am embellishing this story in order to make it that much more enjoyable and hopefully some of you will love to go back to the beginning and checking out those long ago chapter that have lead us to this point. Kind of nostalgic, huh? Anyway, I've edited Chapters 1 through 3 and I'm currently working on Chapter 4._

_ Okay! Enough of this long Author's Note… All I want to say is, you guys are AMAZING and thank you for being patient with me and sticking with me through this four years (for those of you who this applies to, of course) and for the newer people, is I haven't said it yet; Welcome to the Memoirs of Her Scent lethargic rollercoaster! _

_ Thank you for reading!_

_ Sincerely,_

_ Amaterasu Kinesi _


	31. Raison d'être

_** A/N: **__Guys, as before, everything that you see written in Italics and in _**Bold **_symbolizes Jasper's demon. However, whenever you now see something just in _**Bold **_that means that Jasper and his demon are thinking it _together_. _

_ Well, that is all for my author's not at the start of the story. Thank you for reading so faithfully! Please, proceed to read and thoroughly enjoy! _

* * *

…

…

* * *

_**Formerly;**_

_ "I found… you?" I finally manage to choke out, fearing that this is naught but a dream…_

_ But the warm woman, still flush against my winter gives a nod of confirmation as she bites her lower lip, trying not to laugh at, probably, the stupid and astounded look on my face._

_ Without further preamble, I hug her closer, almost too close, close enough to break her, and burying my face at her neck, I inhale her in, deeply and my lips brush against her warm column as I whisper, "Bella… I can't believe I've finally__found __you…"_

* * *

…

…

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

** Chapter 30:**

_** Raison d'être**_

_Verve of my verve... my essential hope, I have found you. _

_For you I am, for you I will be, and with you, I am brought into being._

_..._

Over and over again, the words, "I found you", tumble out of my lips in a whisper filled with reverent disbelieve. The words are spoken in such a rush that they are practically inaudible to my own ears and they are like cold, sweet river water, rushing and rippling over smooth rocks on its way to merge with the saline of the ocean sea, overwhelming.

Lulling and calming, natural and beautiful, and simply, breathless and breathtaking, just like the woman whom I am whispering the words to; though she has no hope of catching them in the wind of their said abscond. Trapped between a wall and a hard, cold place, my encasing arms... so afraid to let go, for fear that she might be nothing but a figment of a cruel and torturing imagination.

Her scent, her warmth, her breath, her essence, her whispers, her trembling body and lips against my ear, and the salt of her tears, all envelope me with care and I _allow_ myself the abandon of rationale or consciousness to drown in it all. For her, I will take unconsciousness over consciousness just to _be _where she is, even if it is _naught _but a dream.

"Jasper?" I hear her whimper and her voice are so clear and tentative, near my ear, and her breath _so _warm, whispering her scent across my skin of unchanging winter, attempting to bring its spring, that there is no arguing that she _is _real…

And just like that, the moment ends. Awareness takes hold of me, of what I am doing, and I let go of Bella as if she were a hot rod trying to terminate my inadequate existence, backing away from her in horror. Backing away until the backs of my knees touch her bed, I stare between Bella and my trembling hands; they _still _remember her heat and the feel of her planes and curves of her body….

Shaking my head as her lips move; forming words I can't hear, or form into actual words in my muddled brain and horror-struck realization...

…_I could have hurt her... __**Maybe I already did**__... _**God I hurt her…**

"Jasper?"

Searchingly, my eyes run over the length of her body clinically, trying to see if I could find traces of any damage I might have inflicted and I ridiculously find myself wishing that I could see that which her clothing conceals from my roving eyes. Where my hands had previously been on her body, the outside of her thighs, her hips, the path of her ribs, and back...

The thought of what her thin layers of fabric might be veiling from my eyes sickens me. …Bruises and congealing blood…. I swallow thickly and look away from her, and feeling disgusted with me, unable to meet her eyes.

**She was wrong…**

"Jasper, what's wrong?" I hear her ask and shift, I dare not look at her. "Jasper, please, _look _at me…" she pleads through a strangled sob. The tears in her throat render me helpless and I obey. My breath catches at the sight of her face.

Her cheeks are pink, her lips parted, red, quivering, and swollen, her breath coming in quick, short bursts, causing her breast to rise and fall hypnotically, her eyes are wet with tears that still fall and brimmed with red, but not swollen, yet, and her hair is in a beautiful chaos, and the morning light illuminates her from the inside out. Highlighting all of her best features, like a spotlight on a canvas, making her tearful dark eyes shine a lighter hue, with many more strokes of brown that I didn't even know existed, and her disarray of tresses almost seems like a warm halo of brown, reds, and blacks, exquisite.

"Jasper…" she cries with relief as our eyes meet and she takes an uncertain step in my frozen direction. Heavily, I sit down on her bed and hear it groan in protest. Bella halts, her heartbeat spikes, and I stop breathing, closing my eyes. Listening to the sound of her familiar and comforting heartbeat, I feel the flames of my thirst lick the encircling column of my throat with burning need, equally familiar and inviting, but not welcomed by me.

**Not now… not now… I've hurt her enough…**

The floorboards creak on the third heartbeat and my eyes snap open, Bella's a vision, walking purposefully in my direction. Not a trace of fear inundates her emotions, only determination. Letting go of the breath I'd been holding, intently, I stare at her body and take another moment to watch, to see, if any of her movements might betray any sign of pain, as Bella slowly approaches me.

Finding nothing, I sigh, relived, though I know it might be too early to do so. **For now I am satisfied…**

"Jasper?" At the sound of her uncertain voice, my eyes lift to her worried face and meet similarly worrying eyes much closer than I had expected. I swallow. "I'm h-home," she says slowly, breathlessly, and I stare, spellbound, as she finally stands before me.

_"Bella,"_ I breathe, but I don't think she hears me. Actually, I don't know if my lips even _moved_, too afraid of ending the sudden spell I was under. **Bella is here… she, truly, is here… **

Without further preamble, her hands, on either side of my cheeks, cradle my face after a small, trembling hesitation. My breath leaves me in a shuddering rush, stroking her skin, ruffling her hair, and causing her to shiver.

"Aren't you happy to see me?" She solicits in a wounded whisper and my eyes snap back open. I hadn't realized I had closed them in the first place. "Look, I'm fine… you didn't hurt me, you _can't _hurt me…" Starting into her eyes, I see the same hurt and hope that I had heard in her voice and felt in her emotions.

"Of course I am," I choke out the words, desperate to reassure her. "I thought-" -I swallow thickly, stuttering- "I thought I- I wouldn't get to see you again," I finally admit.

"Jasper, Jasper… Open your eyes, please?" I hear Bella plead quietly. I don't. "Look at me. Open your eyes and _look _at me, Jasper?" Bella sighs and I hear her brush her tresses behind her ears. "_Feel _and then open your eyes and _look _at me, okay?" She suddenly requests and I'm too startled to even _nod_. Even so, Bella is patient though she sighs impatiently.

Out of deranged fear, I had closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the fear, pity, or disgust that Bella's eyes were sure to be reflecting at my confession. Therefore, when I waited to feel as Bella had requested and felt the total _opposite_ in her elated emotions, my eyes flashed open to meet hers in wonder. Bella is crying...

"I missed you..." She cries and it sounds so much like an accusation that I smirk and she chuckles. "I wanted to come back the moment I left," she confesses and my heart squeezes it is way up and into my throat. "Why didn't you try to stop me, like Jacob?"

"Don't cry," I beg of her, "_please_, Bella," -it feels so good to say her name and have he hear it that it takes me a moment to compose myself- "don't cry..." _It breaks my heart…_

"It's your fault, all of it," she blatantly accuses, actually poking my chest.

"I'm sorry," I apologize though I'm not really sure why... "If I'd stopped you, would you have stayed?"

"_Yes_," she cries and I gather her in my arms as her entire frame shakes with the agony of her sobs. "If you -if you- _Jasper_!" she cries, trembling furiously in my arms, stuttering and starting again, her words a jumbled mess.

"Bella, hush, it's alright, breathe," I plead but Bella shakes her head. Confused, I don't know what to do so I rub her arms, knowing that it won't warm her and it angers me, my inability.

Again, she attempts to make sense of her words, saying, "If it was _you_… I would have stayed."

"Then what would have happened to -to Edward?" She stiffens at the sound of his name, or perhaps the _hiss _of his name on my lips. "Would you have forgiven me if he'd-" Ii couldn't finish the though, it made me just as sick as saying his name did. But I couldn't think anymore, anyway, the moment Bella's eyes meet mine.

"No," she answers honestly, a terrifying whisper that sends a shiver up my tense spine. Porcelain crumbles, and so does my heart in that instant. "But not because you asked me to stay," she adds, playing with the windmills at the nape of my neck. "But because I stayed anyways, knowing what _might _happen, and because it was _I _and not _you_ that decided to give in to your plea…" -she swallowed, looking intently between my eyes- "I'd resent you because I would have no one to blame but myself."

"And I wouldn't be able to live with the fact that you _wouldn't _blame me," I agree.

"None of those things matters now," she dismisses quietly. "I went, I came, I am home, and I am tired."

"Welcome home, Bella," I whisper against her exposed shoulder and I feel her smile against the crook of my neck. Content, I start to fall back into the mattress and take Bella with me, hoping she'll follow.

_I don't know when it happened, but just _being_ where she is, is more than enough…_

"It's great to be home…" Trustingly, she follows, molding her yielding body comfortably to my unyielding one with a sigh.

"Sleep now," I urge, sighing, "I'll be here when you wake."

"You better be," she threatense weekly, "I've missed you too much to miss you while I sleep and when I wake," -she yawns- "now that I'm back…."

"I promise…"

"Good…" she grumbles and almost immediately, her breathing evens out and she's asleep and in my arms, where she belongs.

What I don't ask, though I really wanted to, is;

_Where are Edward and Alice?_

* * *

…

* * *

Ten hours into Bella's sleep, I got the answer to one half of my question as my eyes fluttered open from my feigned sleep at the sound of an unnatural surge of wind coming through the open window. Edward was standing by the open window, body tense and emotions full of questions and anger, looking, for lack of a better word, _murderous_.

"Edward, good tidings," I whisper cordially and with a tight smile on my face, trying not to feel as tense as he was. "Where's dear Alice?"

"Back home with the others and asking for you," he tells me through barely controlled anger. "She didn't think it wise to come." His eyes bore intently into my mine as he says this, I meet it with nonchalance. "Now I see why."

As if on cue, my cell phone buzzed on Bella's night stand and ignoring Edward, I reached for it. Alice and Emmett, they both had sent me messages saying that they were back home and with the rest of the family. I smiled. Sadly enough, that included Edward too. I scowl and meet Edward's eyes once again. He's scowling as well.

"I see," I nod, sinking deeper into the mattress as Bella shifts above me, rubbing away some hair from her face with the back of her hand, and sighs. I help her, removing some wayward tresses without much thought and Edward fallows the movement and caress of my knuckles over her cheek impassively by the time I realize what I've done. I try and remain calm.

"What are you doing here?" he finally asks through gritted teeth, a little too loudly. I flinch and glance at Bella, hoping that he hasn't waken her. He hasn't. I sigh with relief. Edward had followed my every movement with his eyes and heard my every thought and when I meet his eyes again, they are cold and unforgiving, like steel. "How come I didn't hear your thoughts?" _Begrudging curiosity… _I smile. Edward never could help himself.

"She's sleeping," I remind him, motioning to the sleeping woman in my arms and adding, "keep your voice down, will you? She needs all the rest she can get. Bella's human, after all." And as if she knows I am talking about her, she shifts again and snuggles closer to my body, much to Edward's chagrin.

"I don't need _you _of all people to remind me of her humanity," Edward hisses, "And _don't _say her name." And I try very hard to control the urge to roll my eyes at him and ask him what he meant by, "someone like you".

"I was sleeping too," I explain instead, shrugging and ignoring his last sentence completely. Edward frowns, obviously thinking I've gone down the deep end. "Besides, I could be asking you the same thing…"

"I -I needed to see her, make sure-" he stutters and I have the gnawing feeling that Bella doesn't want him here, in her room, or near her, if his guilt and fidgeting is anything to go by. And I am very curious to know what happened, but not from Edward… Even Alice would have been a better choice right now.

"So you intrude upon her trust?" I point out.

"Get away from her," he growls, quiet and guttural, avoiding the question and oozing shame. "Unlike you, I am welcome here!" Meaning, I have hit the nail in the head.

_I'm not so sure about that… _I mumble mentally before remembering that the mind reader is in the room. _Too bad_, I think as I hear his warning snarl. Questioning, I raise a brow and calmly admit, "I _can't_."

"I'm sure you can," he argues through gritted teeth and runs a hand through his copper hair impatiently. "I'll take your place and she'll be fine."

_She wants me here_, I tell him mentally for fear that he might catch how much his words affect me and to distract myself from the painful pang his words have induced. _Before she went to be I promised her I'd be here when she wakes. _

He scoffs, "I'm sure you did." I frown. "Just like every time you _slip_ and promise not to do it again… but end up slipping just the _same_."

It's my turn to growl. "Careful _brother_," I caution humorlessly but do not move an inch. He smirks.** Two can play at this game. **Eyes on Edward, I bury my nose on the exposed crook of Bella's neck, where her neck and shoulder merge, and tauntingly breathe her in, watching for his reaction. "She smells so _good_, brother…" I breathe out in a moan. As expected, Edward tenses at my harmless taunt. "So defenseless and _trusting _in my arms…"

"Jasper," he hisses out in warning, rooted to the spot and knowing that if I wanted, Bella would be dead before he could get close enough to stop me. How little he knows me.

"Do you honestly think I would hurt her?" I ask bitterly and slightly affronted. "Who do you think remained at her side when you abandoned her?" Edward flinches at the jab and reminder. I sneer. "Who do you think dried her tears and dulled her pain while you weren't here, if not I?"

"What _right _do you have?" A savage snarl forms and distorts his face as he speaks; while I remain calm and my fingers mindlessly explore every inch of Bella's back, the trail followed closely by Edward's eyes.

"No, what right do _you_ have?" I countered seething. "You were the one that left her behind in those dangerous woods, knowing the _very _dangers they kept. While _I _remained and took care of her and soothed her screams of terror to a whimper," I scoffed. "I did that. Not you."

"Yo-"

"So no, Edward, if I wanted _Bella_ _dead_," -I spat the word in disgust, interrupting him with a vehement shake of my head and my words- "she would have been by now." A surge of shock and uncertainty ran through him. "Wouldn't you think, _brother_?"

"From what I hear you also abandoned her," he hisses, voice and body visibly trembling with the effort not to drag me out of Bella's bed and cradling arms.

"And just as soon as I left, I wanted to turn back," I murmur, my anger coiling and uncoiling within me as I draped an arm behind my head nonchalantly, trying to look unaffected. "And when I did," I swallow thickly before adding in a whisper, "she forgave me…"

"She's forgiven me too," Edward offers smugly and disbelievingly, feeling victorious by my obvious shocked expression at hearing such admission. "And now I'm back," he adds unkindly, "There's no need for you to stay around and _comfort _her. That's my job, no yours."

Edward's words are like a stake through my heart and he knows it. Still, I remain. Narrowing his eyes, he growls at me and I glare back. _I'm not moving until she wakes up and tells me otherwise_, I tell him resolutely. _Besides, I'm under the impression that you shouldn't be here in the first place._

I feel the truth of my guess in his feelings. "Then let's wake her up so she can send you away!" he hisses for my ears alone.

I glare at him, daring him. "You wouldn't," I say, echoing Bella's words of not so long ago and remembering what I wanted to tell her not soon after.

"Bella, it's time to wake up," he says and my eyes widen. Without thinking, my hands go to cup around Bella's ears, trying to keep her from hearing his voice.

"Stop that!" I hiss.

"Then, _leave_."

"Isabella wants me here." Too late, I realized that I had said her full name… Apparently, that was the last straw for Edward.

"Leave. _Now_," Edward snarled savagely and Bella stirred in my arms, waking. Thankfully, Charlie Swan wasn't in the house yet.

"J -Jasper… what's going on?" Bella asks with a yawn stretching out her words and blinking sleepily as she scratches her head.

"Bella, just go back to sleep," I urge, smiling at her, and caressing her jaw, and adding, "you can catch another three to four hours don't-"

"Bella?" Edward interjects and Bella tenses at the sound of his voice and her emotions are a whirlwind of shock, uncertainty, confusion, resentment, sadness, anger, and alarm.

"E-Edward?" Bella stutters out but she doesn't turn to the sound of his voice and meet his eyes. Instead, her fingers clutch tightly to the front of my shirt and her heart speeds up as she tries to merge her body into mine.

"You scared her!" I accuse, glaring at Edward with renewed vehemence.

"Jas-Jasper?" she gasps, her panic reaching new levels at the sight of my impassiveness.

"Shh…" I hush, "it's alright Bella, and I'm here. I'm still here, like I promised."

"You… are…" she agrees, taking deep, steadying breaths while staring into my eyes and trying to calm down. Edward doesn't like this one bit.

"You _love _her?" He accuses so savagely that it thankfully isn't at a human decibel. Bella stiffens, having heard the savageness behind his snarl.

"Edward?" she cautiously asks, searching for him and looking away from me.

"I'm here love," he assures her and coming reaching distance from the bed, he reaches out to touch her. Bella flinches and trembles in my arms.

"I'm here, I'm here…" I whisper to her over and over again and hold her tighter as Edward retrieves his fisted hand. "There's nothing to fear." Edward's emission of ranging jealousy, rejection, and anger surged from his quivering form and onto me like a crippling torrent that was trying to get me under submission.

"Bella, please, tell Jasper to go," Edward pleaded quietly, trying one last time. "I have a few things I want to say to you…" Bella shook her head. "Please?"

"Whatever you have to say to me, you can say it in front of Jasper, Edward," Bella told him quietly, shifting in my arms to glance at him so that he'd know just how serious she was being. Being the helpful being that I am, I took Bella's feelings and made them known to him. Though he practically scowled at me, he subtly nodded in thanks and staggered a step back.

_You are welcome._

"Does that mean you want me to leave?" Edward asked her cautiously and Bella fidgeted in my arms, molding her back to my chest fully.

She shook her head. "I want Jasper here…" she corrected, "I _need _him here with me... he _promised_…" As she whispered this last part, she glanced at me for confirmation with a questioning smile and I couldn't quite conceal the smile that her words carved onto my lips.

**She needs me.**

"We'll talk when you don't need Jasper around then," Edward relented stiffly and before Bella could protest, he was gone and she was sobbing in my arms. Once again, I was left with the task of drying her tears and Edward's name fell like a curse from my lips.

* * *

…

* * *

"Edward!" I snarl savagely. "I want your ashes, get out here and _fight_!"

**...**

**No, that's not right, I want blood…**

**Limbs ripped…**

**Throat torn open…**

**Then, the ashes…**

**...**

"Edward!"

Once again I am prowling, teeth bared, limbs taught, and muscles tense, ready to lounge, attack, and _kill_. _If only he would just answer my call and fight me the way we've both been wanting to…_

* * *

…

* * *

Walking toward the line of thickening trees and hoping not to be seen, my ears perk up at the familiar sound of Bella's heartbeat and her tripping, shuffling footfalls. For a moment I war with myself, stay or go, face her or hide from her, before I finally decided to just _go_.

Only, I take too long to reach my decision because now, I can hear her heartbeat and her steps getting closer and I can smell her warmth in the scant wind… _Walk away,_ I tell myself, and then-

"Jasper?" she says and my spine prickles with a tremor of delight at the sound of _my _name on her tongue and lips. My eyes fall shut in appreciation, remembering the sound of her voice calling my name and engraving it into memory for another day. Sure that it'll never do it justice to hearing her voice directly from her lips, but it'll have to do when her voice is lacking…

_I'm here. I'm here… always here… always, forever, and eternally waiting for you and your heart to beat for me alone, as mine beats alive for you… _I want to tell her. Instead, I remain silent, listening to her heartbeat, her rushing blood, which tempts me as always, her breathing, and longing to feel her warmth instead of just savoring it in my tongue. Still, I do not have the_ courage _toturn around and face her.

The wind sweeps the area, directly from behind me, exactly from the direction in which Bella's standing, bringing her appetizing scent that much more concentrated to envelope around me and tempt my senses.

_She's still as mouth watering as ever;_ my venom reminds me as it floods my mouth and caresses my tongue in instant response, before I manage to swallow it along with the growing urge to give in to temptation.

_**That was close… **_

I shudder._ How did she find me, or how did she know, guess that I would be here? Why is she even here? _

_**She shouldn't be here…**_

_I want her here… in _our _place… _

**It isn't wise.**

"Where are you going?" she asks next, and though her voice is a cool, calm, and collected façade, I can taste, hear, and _feel _the wounded desperation almost over spilling into the surface when her voice barely cracks at the very end. I want to hold her.

Daring and fearing, I take a step forward and away from her presence, the feel of her eyes on the back of my head willing and daring me to turn, and the alluring, comforting sound of her erratic heart, most of all. But the falling and stammering sound of her somersaulting heartbeat gives me absolute pause. Again, I doubt myself, like I always do when things relate to one Isabella Swan.

I sigh. But I do _not _turn to face her, speak, or, heaven forbid, answer her question. If I did, I will have to lie and I seem to not possess the ability to lie to Bella. Not to her face. However this seems to be enough for Bella as she speaks again, saying something I do not expect;

"He proposed," she whispers, "Edward."

Before she can blink and I can think about my actions, I'm standing a breath away from Bella, breathing harshly and glaring at her as she stares up at me defiantly. I blink and fist my hands to my side in order to force myself to _not _reach out and _touch _her as I take apart and scrutinize her every emotions as they filter over me.

"What did you just say?" I ask her darkly, feeling breathless.

It's not that I didn't _hear_, I know exactly what she said, but what I didn't know is what her _emotions _are trying to tell me. I need to know if her face shows the same things that her emotions portrayed and betrayed.

"Edward just proposed," she repeats, her hands trying to warm her arms as she chuckles nervously under the intensity of my tortured gaze. I shudder.

Concentrating, I reach out, trying not to mingle my tortured emotions with the ones I'm trying to extract from hers. _There_, I think as I find what I had been looking for. Bella's happiness over Edward's proposal, her bewilderment, her longing, astonishment, denial, uncertainty, and her _love_…

With a pang as I find that last of emotions, I retrieve to myself again and take a physically painful step away from Bella as I force my mouth to ask the question that my heart does not want an answer to. Taking a shuddering breath and against my better judgment, I ask;

"And what is your answer?" Surprise and nervousness flashes through her at my question and that's when I decide that I _really _don't want or need to know. In complete agreement with my heart, before Bella's answer can leave her parting lips, I interrupt, "Never mind." She frowns, looking confused. "That's between you and my br- Edward," I explain and step further away from her, looking away from her eyes. "A third-party has no business there. That's good. You got to talk to him alone, like he wanted…" I trail off because I can't stand for Bella to hear the tears in my voice.

_Even now, when she's telling me that she's been proposed to by my _brother_, looking and feeling happy,_ _I still love her, even though she is ripping my heart right out of my chest and stepping all over it… _

_ If I could hate her, resent her, and walk away from her… _

**Everything will be so much easier…**

_Keep on walking and never look back, she's never been mine for the take anyway, so _**what does it matter**_, right?_

Tearing my own heart apart and stepping over the broken remains of porcelain, I fully give my back to Bella and prepare myself to walk away. **For now…**

"Whe-where are you going?" Bella stutters out in a panic that has her heart racing.

"Out of town," I answer simply, easily able to lie because my back is to her and I can't see the hurt in her eyes, even if I _can _feel it and hate myself for being the inflictor.

"That's it then!" she shouts angrily and feeling just as livid. Influenced by her anger and my torment, I round on her as she says, "Edward's back and now your promise to me means nothing?"

"It means _everything _to me!" I argue back, livid, my voice so loud that a flock of birds flew away angrily, chirping in protest and Bella's eyes widen but her own lividness does not wither. "_Eternity_, remember!" I'm staring her down and breathing so hard that my nose is flaring with the effort. Even so, she doesn't flinch, she remains unfazed.

"Then what are you doing walking away?" she counters, fuming, arms crossing over her chest and foot thudding at the ground. Frustrated, I rake a hand through my hair savagely. "Didn't you hear me tell Edward that I _needed_ you last night?" She glares, cheeks flaring. "Did I ever say or tell you to go after that? That I didn't need or want you here?"

"No!" I snarl. _Triumph_. I glare at her as her triumphant emotions slams into me but she only shrugs. "Maybe you should," I grit out and her emotions go so bizarre in that instant that my head feels like it's reeling, trying to make head or tail of them.

_This woman doesn't make sense!_

_**She never has.**_

I stop, there's no need for me to try and make sense of her _now_.

"Is that what you want?" she asks me, unexpectedly, her emotions suddenly mute and veiled from my reach, leaving me with a feel of uncertainty.

**How did she do that?**

"No," I whisper. Since when did I whisper as if I were ashamed? Much less, put to shame by a woman? Internally, I smirk because there's no better woman out there to put me to shame than Isabella Swan, no equal.

"Are you a coward?" she challenges and my entire body trembles with the restrain of staying rooted to my spot. _Like I said, there is no foolish equal. _"I said," she enunciates, "are _you_, Jasper Whitlock," -she pauses thoughtfully- "Hale, _whatever_, a coward?" I move.

"Careful, human," I spat, my hands wrapping delicately around her neck and relishing the nearness.

"Is that a _yes_?" she mocks.

"Careful," I hiss, "I can very easily _crush_ your throat." To make my point, I squeeze around her throat just the right amount to show her that I mean business.

"Do your worse." She shrugs, uncaring, and I almost fail to mask my surprise. My eyes search hers, glaring and amazed that even now, she's still not afraid of me. "You see," she says quietly, "I've told you, so many times… you can never hurt me, not consciously."

_You and I suffer from the same ailment, _I think bitterly. _Stupid little girl, always too trusting and daring,_ I mentally add, feeling annoyed. With an annoyed growl, I let go of her throat, slightly baffled and proud of my control, and gently push her away, and begin pacing in place, feeling her eyes on me.

"What do you want from me?" I bleat, wanting to know.

Stopping my pacing, I force myself to look into her eyes, fearing and dreading what I might find in them, always. _She has too much control over me_, I marvel as the look in Bella's eyes steals my scarce breath away. _She's too coy… _

_**Indeed…**_

"Stay," she states, no preamble and no spearing a thought to the effects her words might have on my mind, body, heart, and soul. A shuddering breath escapes between my lips as I chuckle darkly, low enough for Bella not to hear.

"Give me a _reason_," I tell her, surprising even myself in the process, "other than my promise, that is." _This is dangerous_, I can't help but think and I find that I don't really care. _I'm supposed to be fighting for her, damn it!_

_**You are… this is just, a very different approach…**_

"What do you mean?" Bella questions and frowns slowly as she tries to read my expression. "What other reason can I possibly give you?"

_She really doesn't know_, I observe. Seeing the pain inundating her eyes at the ridiculous thought that there's nothing else that she can do to keep me at her side, I know that my suspicions are correct.

"_Kiss _me," I whisper before I can rectify my brain, to heart, to mouth crossed wires. Along with Bella's shock of surprise, I gasp but I can't take the words back, even if I want to and I recklessly don't. In fact, my feet have a mind of their own as they take me to her, ignoring my mind's cries of doing the _complete _opposite. I take her face in my hands and caress the skin under my fingertips with reverence. wide-eyed "_Kiss _me, Isabella," I repeat, "and I'll stay."

* * *

…

…

* * *

_** A/N: **__So… end of chapter 30! Hopefully that was okay… Leave a review if you want a preview of next chapter! Thank you all for reading!_


	32. Bound to Her Lament

_** A/N: **__Greeting! Guys, this is a really LONG chapter… an apology of sorts for my lack of updates for such an extended length of time… Enjoy!_

* * *

_**Formerly;**_

_ "Give me a reason," I tell her, surprising even myself in the process, "other than my promise, that is." _

_ "What do you mean?" Bella questions and frowns slowly as she tries to read my expression. "What other reason can I possibly give you?" _

She really doesn't know,_ I observe as I see the pain inundating her eyes at the ridiculous thought that there's nothing else that she can do to keep me at her side._

_ "Kiss me," I whisper before I can rectify my brain, to heart, to mouth crossed wires. Along with Bella's shock of surprise, I gasp but I can't take the words back, even if I want to and I recklessly don't. In fact, my feet have a mind of their own as they take me to her, ignoring my mind's cries of doing the complete opposite. "Kiss me, Isabella," I repeat, "and I'll stay."_

* * *

**...**

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

** Chapter 31: **

_** Bound to Her Lament**_

_… _

…_Surrender…_

* * *

…

_The mind is its own place, and in itself _

_Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven_

_-__John Milton, Satan in_ Paradise Lost

_..._

_ Last night I _dreamt _of her, today I didn't know what to do with myself, and perhaps, I didn't wish to see… last night, and I understood that. _

_-J. H. W., Reflections_

* * *

…

_Today, I realized that I have never before felt more afraid. You have to know that this is my last request. According to mine and your heartbeats, I don't have much time left. Stay a while longer, keep me company and wait a bit longer, allow me to pretend that you are mine. _

_ And before I lose sight of my way, I want to look at you a while longer and dream that my providence is at your side. Just this once, I want to imagine you _are _mine. Give me a reason to stay, Isabella. I don't want your compassion. I want you to be with me, just until I leave. Since, there's not much time in my favor… _

_ It used to be enough but this time, I cannot continue without having you by my side. Every moment that goes by and I think about you, I experience this yearning for your nearness, yet I cannot forget that moment I first saw you. Not knowing what to think, I sought to draw near you, get close. _

_ Unable to speak, I _sensed _you and until today, I have not been able to escape and it took so little for me to love you so much and it so happened that little by little I began to capitulate... _

_ Honestly, I never expected to give you my love with just _one _glance. Something I never imagined was getting lost in your love. But it just _happened _and I am wholeheartedly yours. How can I know, how can I understand what I feel?_

_ Before I spend more time with you, love, I want you to know and tell you, you are the love of my life. Before I care for you any more, please listen; let me tell you everything. And there is no way to explain how but less to doubt. That's just so I felt, whilst I saw you. _

_ Everything regarding you caught me by surprise... From the very start, I knew you were not supposed to be mine. But it only took one instant to penetrate your world… want to be a part of it. And without wanting to love you, I lost myself to your tenderness and gave you my _everything_. _

_ Trying does not cost a thing, when I have you facing me. Saying, 'I love you', will not be easy, it will just… _happen_. If not… will time know how to wait, until I no longer love her and know how to keep on existing? _

_-J. H. W., Journal Entry #222 _

…

* * *

Mute palpitations echo a single lament, which resonates within the confines of my very soul. Like the ghost of murmur, it whispers a single, arresting and fearsome declaration; _'surrender'_.

…_Surrender…_

All my life as a human, fighting for my country before my time and later through my decades of immortality with Maria and training her army, I have enslaved myself, seeking, and doing everything within my power for a chance at freedom. I have been a slave to the _idea _of freedom. Fleeting through life and in immortality, unaware of when a day began, or where it ended and gave birth to the next one. _Always, _for as long as I can rememberit has been this way_. _

This is why the very _design _of _surrendering_ is so, well, _terrifying_. But unknowingly all of that changed the instant Bella appeared before me. When the depths of her chocolate eyes met mine, I _woke_. Before she appeared, I had not grasped just how far I had strayed from my ideals of "freedom".

And now that she'd appeared, I had no choice but to decide to land, stay on her grounds, and discover my faith in the _illusion _of her. Something within me shifted then, like an earthquake taking over my body, and I was forced to look around and take notice of the damage and the pain, and the lies and the neglect and all that has been left unsaid, the omissions.

Once my soul recognized the sound of Bella's voice, my heart went after her and stayed with her. Amid her calmness and my peace and my reason, I wake. In her gaze I journey, I'm better than I have ever been for her, and she lifts me up. Until today, I thought that freedom could only be found somewhere else and by other means. And today, I discovered it _within _me.

Peering into the labyrinth of her love, there I found truth and within her what I want. Only with her I can touch what I have been dreaming of for so long. For her, love, and because of her …and _for_ her love. All of my life, I only wanted to be free, what an unexpected surprise it is to find this freedom _in_ her; being bound to Bella _is _freedom.

None of these did I realize or admitted to myself until today and now that I have, my soul has recognized her voice once again. Everything I'm feeling now is so unfamiliar and new, and all I know with absolute certainty is that I _need _and want Isabella Swan at my side, for eternity as selfish as it might be.

_Do not abandon me, Isabella, _my eyes earnestly beseech her. _Do not tell me it isn't you, but _destiny_, like Alice would… Do not make me realize that, although I loved you, I have to choose another path. I cannot bear it! In you, is what I want…_

* * *

…

_Besides, what is the purpose of treading through an eternity without her?_

_What good is, _existing,_ if I do not _exist_ alongside her?_

_What use is hope, when it is the last thing that dies and without Bella, I've already lost it?_

_What good is _existing_?_

_Bella's the only one I will ever ask for and follow in the wake of her tenderness._

_No matter how much I beg her not to leave me,_

_There's no doubt in me, she will leave me without her kisses…_

…

* * *

Like a whisper that grows with intensity and becomes a shrill wail in my ears, Bella's heartbeat hammers a melancholic and lyric-less rhythm that matches my overflowing feelings and desire for her, enlivening the night and its encompassing shadows. Hastily the shadows swish and flick, along and within the forest, crawling, retracting, and contracting, like a living organism, or an ominous pulse to a groaning heart that gives life to the whispering forest around us.

Time… ephemeral and merciless, momentarily stops its swishing pendulum from ticking away and depriving me of this breathtaking moment, and the sands of time no longer account for its second by minute by hour lapse, which I have so unceremoniously thrust myself and Bella into.

And then, eerily, everything around us halts and arrives to an impulsive _standstill_. Even the _air _is holding its breath and the leaves halt their rustling mumbles and whispers shrewdly and like I, waits to see what happens next with strained anticipation.

Meanwhile, consumed in this timeless instant Bella and I gauge each other uncertainly, almost wryly. Waiting… All that can be heard are our shallow, quickening breathing and the mounting trepidation of anticipation.

Fear burns a shiver up my spine, consuming in its wake, and I take a cautious but quivering breath. In and out… out and in… and repeat. My mouth opens and closes several times to say anything and break the silence but my uncertainty and regret renders me voiceless in the presence of the woman I love. The woman I might as well have chased away in the throes of my desperation to possess her.

A strangled cry contained by Bella's throat ensnares and dies before it can echo and tear through the darkness, in the same heartbeat and shallow breath. Lethargically, her head shakes and she attempts to take a step away from me and put some distance, her left foot stretching out behind her. And, again, I _fear_. However, one glance at me and Bella frowns deeply, her resolve spikes, incensing her eyes and bringing her left foot adjacent to her right, she clasps her feet back together.

An internal _plea _ebbs through me and grows, transcends, overwhelmingly leaves me with a wistful _yearning _to know what Isabella is feeling or thinking at this very moment… Not knowing is so disorienting, like trying to talk underwater and going deaf, unbalanced, your own voice is something separate and disembodied.

For the first time, I hate the depravity of something I've loathed possessing for as long as I have walked this earth, condemned. But right now, I'm desperately wishing to get attuned with my so-called-gift once again. Just so that I can have inklinginto Isabella's train of thought and what might be in her heart of hearts.

Afraid to know, afraid to give up, and in doing so not know, I take a calculated and languid, nonthreatening step closer to Bella. Seeing my actions, Bella's eyes widen with alarm. I pause. She remains paralyzed, and her cheeks swill out furiously, while her breathing hitches and then, leaves her in a heated rush.

Liking my lips and surreptitiously inhaling her in. Instantly, I savor the air inebriated by _her _scent and my throat inflames methodically in chain response. Staggered and uncertain, I continue to pause. After a moment, I take another hesitant step forth, testing my control.

Bella cranes her neck back slightly to keep me in sight, shifting her weight to the heels of her feet in an awkward inclination away from me. All the while, her blood is singing with adrenaline, quickening deafeningly with my proximity, luring, and beckoning the salivating monster as it stirs and welcomes the invite.

'_**Such a lovely and appetizing rush…'**_

Fearing for her life and the threat I present, I wait to grasp at better control and take calculated breaths of her intoxicating scent in shallow, quick bursts to quell my demon's demands for her blood.

Though, on the inside, I am pleading with her, telling her through wretched screams to run as far as her stumbling feet may take her and hide from my demon, she doesn't. Amazingly, she doesn't _even_ recoil with fear, or runs away screaming, though she should, and I'm glad and this gives me some _semblance _of unmerited hope.

_**'Hope is good…' **_the demon croons mockingly as _it_ licks _its_ lips, tasting Bella's scent and my control over _it_. _Its _head falls against _its _shoulder blades and _its _eyes roll to the back of _its _head with a groan of hungry pleasure.

* * *

…

* * *

_**'Can you see her blood… thick, lethargic, and quick, running through that thin membrane of breakable skin, calling and alluring…?' **_my demon practically hums and sighs distractedly, almost distracting me as I take in what _it _sees. _**'Can we bite into her now?'**_

'_Not now…,' _I plea with _it_ hoarsely. Struggling to tear my gaze and look away from Bella's tempting jugular vein, writhing and trembling under my watchful eyes, my breathing shallows. Blinking, I feel my lids flutter to the beat of Bella's heartbeat as I try to blink away the image of her blood's offering.

Even so, all my eyes can focus on is that prominent vein… As if it were a crooning finger, beckoning in my direction and asking for my teeth to _sink_, rip through the delicate skin, _taste_, and devour the liquid life it so temptingly parades before my appreciative eyes… Suddenly, I mentally shake my head in horror.

_**'Soon?' **__It _asks hopefully, smugly following my train of thought._ It _stares at me speculative and seems to go deep in thought, trying to understand the reasoning behind my depriving _it_ of _its _wants and needs.

'_This is Bella we are talking about,' _I explain sullenly. A jolt and shudder runs through my demon at my words and an unfurling and blossoming awareness awakes from within _it, _onethatI did not know _it_ could possess.

_**'Bella?' **__It_ asks, murmuring her name with a tentative caress that puzzles _it_. My demon frowns and repeats her name in an almost _reverent _whisper, as if hearing and tasting her name on _its_ tongue for the first time.

_'Bella… Isabella,' _I agree, probing and cautious.

_**'Isabella…' **_Uncertainly, _it _breathes her name and nods. Marveling as to _why_ the name feels so _familiar _and above all, why the name resonates within _it _with a sense of apprehension and _thrill_ while wondering the reason behind the endearment _it _feels her name invokes.

_'The one I love, need, and want…'_

_**'Love…?' **_My demon visibly swallows and my eyes widen. A slow and tentative smile distorts _its_ face unexpectedly as _it_ once again mumbles, _**'Isabella…'**_Only this time, the reverence is palpable and undeniable, _its_ voice _giddy _with apparent fondness_. __**'Our Isabella?' **__It_ hopes tentatively and disturbingly looks at me through the eyes of a petulant child, taking me aback.

_'That's what I'm aiming for,'_I accent._'So, please, do make an effort. I -_we _need to keep her alive.'_

_**'But she smells so…' **__it _frowns, pouting slightly with displeasure. _**'Delectable and sublime,' **__it _points out and practically bemoans. _**'Just imagine how she'll taste when her life flows across your tongue and silkily caresses down your throat, finally soothing and satisfying the conflagration of our thirst!' **_

Seeing every scenario _it _seductively whispers with vivid imagery, I groan. It is almost too much and too tempting, the idea. _This will not do, _I mentally chastise myself and shake my head. Trying to rid it of all the images of a broken and bleeding Bella in my arms, with the light in her eyes dimming as her life flees her with every taste my demon and I savor of her blood.

_'Do you want to possess her, or not?' _I argue through gritted teeth.

_**'Possess! Posses!' **__It _practically moans and purrs eagerly. Different scenarios of how _it _desires to posses Bella unraveling before us instantly. The notion of _possessing _Bella much too tempting for _its_ ego and an idea that _it _had clearly not envisioned, or thought possible before now and not that it is a possibility, _it_ cannot imagine doing it any other way… for now.

_Then it would be best for her to be kept alive,_I point out sagely.

My demon hums, seeing my point and looking bashful as we sneeringly and possessively think, together, **'She must be kept alive, my Isabella.'**

* * *

…

* * *

Tentatively and not daring to breathe, I swallow the lump in my throat, my heart, I think, and lift my left hand unsteady with hesitation. Watching Bella, I stare into her uncertain wide eyes and listen to her labored breathing, for any sign of _fear _or _revulsion _within her coffee depths...

As her eyes meet my own, which are dark and dilated with a silently _plea _in their depths, I breathe out shakily, deliberately and ever so gradually reach for her affection. When my knuckles, gentle and unsure, make contact with her smothering skin, _caressing_, basking,and imploring trust, my breath catches.

Bella's eyes dilate at the contact and my pupils dilate further to take in the full effects, eyes going blown out onyx, while my nose flares and I inhale her in cautiously. Exuberant with the effect my touch has on her, I relax into the touch and my disposition ebbs tenderness.

Unable to stop _itself_, my demon _groans _with want and need. Rattling the cage bars and restraining manacles, while it tries to get set free as I continue the sweet torture of _inhaling _her toxin scent greedily. With great difficulty I ignore my demon and my eyes stray away from Bella's.

Instead, I focus my gaze and interest at the point where my knuckles and her cheek connect, and stare… _Bella is so warm and soft… _I marvel in rapture awe at the singular and familiar sensation and swallow thickly, while my demon becomes temporarily docile with _its_ mirroring awe.

Seeking more of her warmth, I allow my knuckles to unhurriedly travel the curve of her left cheek to the point of her jaw with one smooth and tantalizing sweep. Bella quivers in the wake of my breezy caress and my demon purrs in appreciation. Drinking in the sight of her trembling under **my **touch and the feel of her warmth, spreading from her to me, I grow slightly more confident.

Slowly, I begin to uncoil my fingers, until I am cradling her opposite right cheek with my palm and fingers are tangled in her wayward tresses and Bella's leaning into my touch with closed eyes, all uncertainty dissipated for the time being. It is my turn to shiver and quiver with the overwhelming _fear _her trust invokes, along with the accompanying thrill and joy. Everything is a juxtaposition of warring and paradoxical emotions. Nothing makes sense… But this is the very moment I can no longer resist.

Bella swallows with alarm and anxiety brimming in the depths of her dark coffee eyes, breathing shallowly and rapidly. Still, she remains silent, unmoving, and though not fully trusting, she is unafraid. Her stance is almost resigned and rueful, waiting. Swallowing thickly, I follow suit and my breathing matches hers and the tempo of her heartbeats.

With the tip of my thumb I tilt her chin up, to better look into her eyes and Bella allows it and gazes into mine steadily. Impassively, my eyes seek for answers that are not forthcoming in the depths of Bella's dark, doe eyes, quickly roving and scanning her face for a hint of a wayward answer.

Sighing with resignation and disappointment, my breath fans over Bella's face and she shivers. With the involuntary movement, Bella's tresses glide over her shoulders, cascading down her rigid back and revealing more of her flushed and impassive face, for once.

Bella's face is cast in moving shadows that fleet behind her eyes as she visibly forces herself to relax and releases the frown creasing her features. But the shadows do not hinder my eyesight. If anything, it feels like I'm finally able to really have a look at Bella, and see her for who she is, for the first time.

_"Thirty-three heartbeats," _I mumble much too quickly for Bella to notice. That is how much time has passed… _Thirty-four… Thirty-five… Thirty-six…_

_Forty… _Bella's eyes flutter open on, the mark and they illumine from within, iridescent in the dimness of two in the morning. _It is time… _Once again, my plea filters through my mind unbidden and I allow it to take over my impassiveness and let it show and flow from behind fathomless black eyes, so that Bella can see and feel my _honesty_, while my demon joins in;

...

Kiss me… untimely, without compassion, and in silence…

Bésame… encumber time, and compose what I feel… source its _growth_.

Kiss me as if the world were to end soon after.

Bésame and kiss by kiss, turn the sky on its axis.

Kiss me without reason, just because the heart wants…

_Bésame!_ …Feel me in the wind, while I slowly **die on the inside…**

Kiss me without reason and, this time, I'm **with you for eternity.**

Kiss me like that, mercilessly.

Stay in me, unconditionally.

_Just give me a reason and I'll stay._

And I'll stay.

**(I'll stay…)**

…

Waiting… and _waiting… and _**waiting…**

_Moments of a second…_

_Exactly ten tremulous heartbeats later_

_That's all it takes…_

_That's all it is, was. _

_But in that instant, it feels like so much has happened,_

_When nothing really has…_

_Except, I still love her_

_Until the earth stops whirling _

…

* * *

Delimited in the muteness and the nerve-wracking wait, I can hear my equally taciturn heartbeats loudly shout her name, _Isabella_. And for a moment, if I strain my ears just enough, I can pretend and listen to _her _heartbeats stridently outcry _my _name instead;

...

...

_Thu-thump-Jasper…_

_Thu-thump-Jasper…_

_Thu-thump-Jasper…_

_Thu-thump-Jasper…_

_Thu-thump-Jasper…_

_Jasper… Thu-thump_

_Jasper… Thu-thump_

_Jasper… Thu-thump_

_Jasper… Thu-thump_

_Jasper… Thu-thump_

_..._

_..._

**How can such a sweet sound be so condemning?**

**Like an unstoppable countdown. **

**Counting down the perilous seconds until the bomb detonates.**

**Now, your existence is void**

**And I have nowhere to go…**

…

**She's all I need,**_ when I'm holding her tight._

**Trapped in her love, I've opened up,****unsure I can trust.**

_My heart and I were buried in dust._

**I am terrified to love for the first time.**

**Can't you see that I'm bound in chains?**

**Free me,**_ free us._

_If she walks away, _**I will suffer tonight.**

_I've finally found my way._

**I am bound to her.**

_..._**  
**

_One glance and every hue I knew, _**everything changed.**

_Just one smile and she stole my heart._

_Now, I dream while I'm awake, _

_Imagining her kisses and _**caresses.**

_I catch my breath with just one beating heart, _

_Hers… which calls my name_

_..._

_And I embrace myself, _

**Please don't tear this apart**_, I silently beg of her._

_Suddenly the moment's here _

**And I embrace my fears, **

_All that I have been carrying all these years_

**Do I risk it all? **

_Come this far just to __**fall?**_

**Fall…**

…

* * *

"What about Alice, Jasper?" Bella finally asks in a calm whisper that catches at Alice's name and fades a wash as she utters my name, interrupting my rueful musings. The woods reach out with the shadows, crowding us and bending to hear the hush of our conversation. _Disorienting… _

Mournfully, I take a moment to steady my growing nervousness and close my eyes. The moment is here and all it took was eighty-two heartbeats to get to the climax. With a tremor running electrifying through my body, during the period of two steady palpitations, and I momentarily focus on the effects Bella's voice awakens within me.

My eyes flash open again and I fix Bella with a remorseful smile, which she doesn't return as she waits for my response. I wonder… will she understand that though I might walk away and ask her to do the same that I don't want to? That, in fact, I don't intend to? Will she know that I now adhere to this existence, for her?

All too soon, I can hear time pick up again where it left off and gain momentum as the trees moan and creak, resuming their whispers and murmurs. Its pendulum marked tick by tick by the thuds of Bella's languid, steady heartbeats as she inhales deeply and relaxes noticeably before my eyes. Somewhere flocks of crows caw angrily and take flight but everything feels too distant and disjointed. _Disorienting… _I sigh despondent. _It is time…_

Gazing steadily into Bella's eyes, I quarry, "What about Alice?"

Bella looks taken aback by my impassiveness and frowns, chewing on her bottom lip thoughtfully. "She is my friend." Bella pauses, beseeching with scrutinizing eyes. "And your… _wife_," she finally whispers and there is an undertone to her voice that tells me that the word "wife" feels foreign and troubling on her tongue.

**No…. no, no, **_**no**_**…**

I inhale sharply, something between a hiss and a snarl. For some reason, hearing _Bella _refer to Alice as _my wife _leaves a bitter taste on my tongue and it tugs achingly at my heart. It hurts. And for an absurd moment, I feel as if Alice is a dirty little secret, which I've always wanted to keep Bella from finding out but has been prematurely found out.

"No." I shake my head and smirk sardonically. If that is her only reservation, then there's no problem in that end…

**Though, that is **_**not **_**the only problem… and we both know that.**

"I don't… understand," Bella mumbles slowly and frowns once more.

"Alice is _not _my wife," I explain. And upon seeing Bella's frown deepen, elaborate, "Alice and have always agreed on marrying _after _high school or college every time we start over. Therefore, our marriage is null. Both, legally and between the two. I just got the marriage license personally delivered the day you," I pause, stealing myself against the awful memory and whisper, "_left_."

_Not that that has ever stopped me from claiming her as such over our years together, _I think bitterly but do not add.

Bella flinches. "_Oh…_"

"So if that's your only argument…," I shrug, and trail off. "You might attempt to kiss me and give me a reason for staying now." My grin is cocky and blatant as I say this, causing Bella to flush. Impulsively, I take another step, which brings me closer still to Bella, and lean forward, towering over her.

"_Please_…" Without warning, Bella's overheated palm raises up and she places it flatly between us. Right over my chest and just over my heart, and effectively halts my advances. "_Please, _Jasper_…_" Bella repeats, looking beseechingly into my eyes. "This isn't _right_… fair…"

But, though I try to process her words and stay in the here and now, Bella's touch does unexpected things to my mind and body. The sensation of her steady palm, resting over my heart has me in rapture, a prisoner to warmth as she almost _literally _holds my heart in the palm of her hand.

My imagination takes over for a moment and I'm Icarus, I have escaped _Cretes_, Alice's intricately woven penitentiary of unsaid truths and omissions, and I am _flying, _soaring across the sky of endless blue. Airborne for the first time, I am elated and sore higher still, trying to get closer and closer to that inviting warmth.

Only, I realize that I have ignored all the warnings and a moment too late, the consequences of this grave mistake. Too close to the sun, I have flown and now the gossamer wings strapped to my back, with nothing but wax, are melting away from me. The wax thickly and quickly traverses down my back like sweat, and just as abruptly, I'm _falling_.

Eyes unfocused, all I can see is how fast the ground below is approaching to meet me and how easily each of my feathers get caught and ruffled in the wind of my perilous descent. Once again, turning me into a prisoner of the sky and commiserated to the wind and its whims.

Only as I prepare for impact and break the surface of something cold, dragging, and enveloping, do I comprehend that I am _drowning _in the depths of a sea that weighs and oppresses, ensnaring_. _Breathing burns… worse than my throat, and there's not a sound though my mouth opens and my jaw dislocates as I scream for help and I keep on falling… There is no help… _I am drowning…_

Just like that, I realize that because of Bella's laments, conquering her heart is as difficult as men's first attempts at conquering the sky with inadequate equipment; _Prone _to absolute failure. Anguish washes over me at the thought and Bella's breathless gasp alerts me to the realization that I am projecting.

"Forget it, Bella… it's all a great joke," I say dismissively, hiding my pain with a mask of crumbling impassiveness. "By now, you should really start paying more attention to my poor sense of humor…"

"But-" she flushes and I cut her off.

"Do you really trust me so little, Isabella?" I ask contritely, "Think so little of me?"

"No!" her eyes widen, frantic, "I-"

"Did you honestly think I'd leave without saying my last farewell?" This time, my question sounds like a bitter-tasting plea and I close my eyes as Bella bites her bottom lip, gathering all the blood there and touch my forehead to hers, trembling. "Have all my efforts been for nothing?" I add after a shuddering breath, my voice cracking with emotion. "Have I proved you _nothing _while being at your side? Did you not forgive me?"

"I-" she hesitates and I can feel her breath and her lips brush over my heart, scorching torture, as she tucks her head under my chin and rests her forehead against my left shoulder. "Edward…" she continues with a tremulous whisper, "he- I didn't- he made me _remember_…"

At her words, I stagger back; they are like poison directly injected into my veins, slowly breaking me from the inside and showing none of the side effects on the outside. I shake my head at her and swallow convulsively as my heart breaks in half. This time, it is Bella reaching and taking a step in my direction, countering for every step I take away from her. For the first time, I don't crave her nearness.

"I'm not _him_," I hiss out with effort and a suppressed shiver sends a tremor that rattles the shattered pieces of my heart and crumbles my foundations. But that doesn't deter her; it only causes her tears to fall and her efforts to double and become that much more inebriated on her feet. "_I_ came back!" I shout because the pain is so confusing and deafening that I cannot hear myself. "And when _you_ left looking for _him _and _I _stayed and waited!"

"I know that!" Bella assures me hysterically, her entire frame quacking as her fingers coil around my shirt and fists it pleadingly, and anchoring me to her, or her to me, I don't know… But my own hands stay at my side so that I don't accidentally crush her shoulder while attempting to shake the words out of her.

"Then what do I have to do to prove to you that you can trust me?!" I'm exasperated and my control is spiraling and slipping from my grasp… Too _surreal _and _disorienting… _"Is there another arbitrary test I must fulfill in order to get you to _forget_?!"

"No!" she cries, equally frustrated. "Jasper, I _know_ that I can trust you but-" she cuts herself off abruptly and her tears keep on falling and staining my shirt with her sorrow and the visible evidence of my dry lament.

"'But' what?!" I beg and push, unable to take the silence and my voice startles Bella enough to cause her heart to skip a beat.

"After a year of being together with him," she scowls and swallows, continuing, "I couldn't stop him from leaving…" _Who's to say I can stop you? _Is what she cannot bring to herself to say out loud, I know.

"_Bella_," I sigh, resigned, "I know you are only _human_. But how can you be so blatantly _blind_?" I shake my head, disappointed and feeling stranded. However, trapped doesn't seem so bad, because she's near and here…

"Sorry for being _'human'_…" she mutters, staring me square in the eyes with her own narrowed. Smirking without a trace of humor, I welcome the onslaught of Bella's sudden irritation and aggravation.

"Why is it that you don't value yourself more?" It's a rhetorical question that I didn't mean to ask out loud but as soon as it is out, Bella stiffens in my arms.

"Look at you and look at me," she offers, pointing ambivalently between the two of us.

I frown. "Bella…" I say softly and cupping a finger around her chin, I tilt her head until her eyes meet mine unwillingly. She grimaces and I smile reassuringly. She relaxes but her eyes remain wary. "I have watched you sit alone and I have watched you cry your eyes out for far too long," I express, choosing my words carefully. "Do you honestly believe I would have the heart to shut you out and leave you here alone?"

"I don't know…" she shrugs, trailing off and not meeting my eyes as she adds, "Edward did, after everything we overcame.

"Edward is a damned _Yankee_ and he doesn't know what he's missed out on," I growl savagely and Bella's eyes dart to mine with evident alarm. But a trace of a smile and an inane sense of gratefulness relax her mouth into an easy smile despite her tears. "Bella, I have been right here with you, I won't let you sink again… do you understand?"

"Yes." Her immense relief warms and envelops me, welcoming. "I've felt so trapped instead, ever since Edward came back," she confesses and frowns, "but trapped doesn't seem so bad if you're near." I gasp quietly at her words and my breath catches.

"I know what you mean," I mutter darkly. Once again, Bella and I are thinking _alike_. But I can't even think to hope that there's more to it than that.

"Jasper, I can't do anything without you," Bella murmurs while blushing a lovely pink and glancing timidly at me. "You have given me strength to do anything and _you_ saved me from everything… so if you leave…" she swallows convulsively at the idea and I trust myself enough to wrap my arms gingerly around her now, comforting her. "And I can try to justify this… but it won't mean anything, without you here with me 'cause after all has been said and done, Jasper, _I_ still need you, here, _with me_…"

"You don't need to prove anything to me, Bella…" Tentatively my hands squeeze either side of her hips reassuringly, pulling her loser, and she shudders as my fingertips graze a silver of her warm skin by accident.

"Are you sure this is that okay?" She worries. "Am I being too selfish? Alice-"

"I am yours." _You hold my heart. _I smile gently, interrupting her rant with my double meanings. "Because I'm not going anywhere…" Bella relaxes mildly, sighs content, and smiles a broad smile that reaches her eyes. "I promise you." _Not even Edward will keep me from fulfilling my promise_, I add mentally. "Never be afraid to count on me, I'll be here." I kiss her forehead.

"I'm afraid, Jasper…" And I feel Bella's fear as soon as her whisper words are stolen by wind.

"But you are not alone…" I hold her tightly and she leans against me, welcoming the support of my touch. "There will be an ending to your fear," I assure her and I feel her doubt, a silent question. Trailing a hand to her tresses, I comb through them absentmindedly with my fingers. "Healing comes so painfully, Bella, and it _chills_ to the bone," I explain and feeling her attentiveness, I hold her at arm's length and stare into her dark eyes. "But eventually, you get there and not everything seems as gray and bleak as before. But along the way… there will be days when you'll wonder, 'Will anyone get close to me?'"

"Will they…?" _So she has wondered about that…_

"Yes." I smile sardonically at her. "I'm damaged goods, Bella, as I'm sure you know," I inform her and upon her fervent protest, I shake my head. "But that's _okay_. It is who I am." I feel her reluctant acceptance and smile at her display of meekness. "What I'm trying to say is… you are here, right?"

"Yes…" Bella answers uncertainly and fidgets in my arms, wondering where I am going with this. Placing both palms on my chest, she draws back slightly and meets my eyes but remains in my arms.

"You got close to me and you're still here, Bella." I smile appreciatively at her and her eyes grow momentarily unfocused before she closes them and opens them again, once again focused on me and unwavering. "I assure you, you'll never meet a Vampire more damaged than I," I explain. Bella pouts, not saying anything but not agreeing. "So someone _will _get close to you… there's so much of you that's yet to be discovered, I assure you. Plenty that's not damaged good." Bella blushes.

"Why is it that you still believe in me, Jasper, even when I'm about to give up on myself again?" Bella asks in a fearful whisper and looks away from my, unable to meet my eyes.

_I love you, silly woman, that's why…_

"Do you really want the answer to that?" I ask ironically. _Don't say I didn't give you fair warning, now. _

"Only if you promise that no matter where I go, I'll still have your hand to hold… and there's nothing to lose," Bella mumbles quietly.

_Oh, _what could be worse than me losing you...? clearly, the irony is not lost on me. What would I do, without you... here?

"I promise…" I pledge, elated by the thought and the promises of that future that has yet to be written but I can clearly see unfold.

"Then, _yes_…"

"How about that kiss first?" I ask innocently, mischief written plaintively all over my face.

"Jasper!" Bella blushes furiously.

I snort. "Now, Isabella Swan," I admonish, "where is that mind of yours spinning to?" She gapes at me, flabbergasted and I smirk and chuckle, wishing I had a camera. Her face is _that _priceless, _Kodak _moment and all that. Innocently, I point less than an inch away from the corner of my mouth and add, "I was thinking about right here…"

Bella pouts and narrows her eyes. "I thought you said you were terrible at _humor_," she points out bitterly, arms crossed over her chest and effectively bringing my attention to their suppleness… _Uh… yeah, it's not like I'm distracted…_

I clear my throat, looking back up into her eyes before I embarrass myself. "Well, this had nothing to do with humor," I point out, "you're just easily… duped."

Bella scowls and then starts giggling. "Did you just use the word _'duped'_?

I smirk, amused. "What if I did?"

"I didn't know big, bad Vampires had that in their vocabulary, it's all," Bella struggles to stream her sentence through her giggles. I raise a brow at her. "Sorry," she breathes. Standing on her tiptoes, Bella kisses the corner of my mouth with her too sizzling lips and blushes, freezing my brain to mouth to heart functions.

"B- Bella," I stutter, flustered Vampire that I am. _How can it be possible that warm on cold paralyzes? __Shouldn't it melt the frost away? _I wonder fleetingly as the realization sinks in and I start to feel overly _too_ warm. _Bella kissed me, _I think stupidly and grin like the joker, painfully wide.

"There's your reward," Bella explains swiftly and sweetly adds, "can I now have my answer, please?"

I blink, my brain moving at a slower pace than usual, then Bella's words register and _I _feel like I'm the one flushing. Inhaling sharply, I steel myself.

"That's because I-" I begin...

The only form of warning that I get for what comes next, comes as a gentle and insistent vibration on the right back pocket of my jeans, a _text_. But before I can reach my back pocket, I feel what my ears failed to pick up and before I can think about what to do, I gently push Bella away from me, careful not to hurt her.

"_Duck!_" I instruct Bella desperately. "Do not try to run, just _duck_!" I growl in frustration. Her eyes widen at my outburst and a swirling of emotions travel through her much too slowly for my taste as my word sinks in. "_Duck_, Bella!" I repeat, bellowing, urgently and finally registering my plea, she drops, flat on her stomach to the ground and not a moment too late, thankfully.

"Jasper!" Bella cries in warning, eyes wide, adrenaline rushing, and I turn my back on her just before a blur of motion and limbs tackles me to the ground a yard away with a feral snarl and a clatter of boulder as we bulldozer some trees and cause chaos along the way. "Jasper!" I hear Bella cry and watch in horror as she stands and starts to run my direction while I keep soaring and crashing into trees with the momentum.

"Bella, stay there!" I snarl warningly and she freezes. "Trust me!" Bella relaxes slightly and nods. As the wind turns in my favor, I realize that the scent of my attacker is much too familiar... and I growl.

_I know you're waiting there for me to come back and I will._

"With my life…"

* * *

**…**

**…**

* * *

_** A/N: **__Bésame__ means "Kiss me". Just in case anyone wondered… I think I should give credit where it merits. Therefore, there are more than ten lines of this story that I cannot take credit for. I borrowed and change some of Christina Aguilera's lyrics' for __**"Bound to You"**__, and adapted them to fit the story. The rests that are unrecognizable are the works of my imagination and your endearing support. As always, reviews will be rewarded with teasers to the next chapter of Memoirs of Her_ Scent.

Thank_ you for reading! _


	33. Harder to Breathe

_**A/N: ** I feel so bad for being away for so long. Therefore, my most sincerest apologies. However, you all must know that I am posting an unfinished and unedited chapter so I wouldn't have to keep you waiting any longer... _

_That being said, I hope you enjoy what I've come up with thus far. _

* * *

**Formerly;**

_"Bella, stay there!" I snarl warningly and she freezes. "Trust me!"_

_ With some effort Bella relaxes slightly and nods, understanding that I only want for her to remain out of harm's way. As the wind turns in my favor, I realize that the scent of my attacker is much too familiar... and I snarl._

_ Isabella, I know you're waiting there for me to come back and I will._

_ "With my life…"_

* * *

…

_**...**_

* * *

**Memoirs of Her Scent**

**Chapter 32: **

_**Harder to Breathe**_

_**...**_

_-Same Day; A Few Hours Earlier_

_..._

_Next time I see Edward, I'll kill him, again, slowly_, I find myself thinking as Bella begins to fall to pieces while I helplessly watch. Her heart, beating faster with each shallow breath she takes, punctuating, like a hammer to a nail's head, the feelings of despair and grieve that are steadily spinning out of her control the longer she stands looking after the wind that took Edward's phantom shadow with it.

_Breathe,_ I want to remind her but my own airway is blocked... She's about to hyperventilate and-

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." Bella laments through a strangled, hoarse cry that echoes. Like

ripples on the surface of a lake that that has been perturbed by skipping stones and crumbles to the floor, and before I can make a move to catch her, she's already sinking.

"Come here…" Meanwhile, I keep the woes of my own lament in silence and gather her crippled form in my arms, hoping to absorb as much of her heartache as possible. She allows it, accepting my nearness with gratitude and even welcoming it. I am greatful for this smallbut significant development. Isabella is weightless and fragile and trembling like a leaf in autumn in my arms. Right now, all I can do to show my support is hold her close and pray that I will never have to let her go.

_Hope that she will not ask_ me, _ever, to let_ her _go_ or _to walk away and leave her alone._

"Edward come back," she chokes out and my heart breaks a little more, and the bits that crumble and fall become dust before they even reach rock bottom.

"I'm so sorry, Bella... So sorry..." As her apologies keep tumbling out of her lips again and again, taking on a new form of grievance and bringing about more of her endless tears, my voice joins hers in an attempt to sooth her crippled spirit.

After a while of this, I no longer know or can distinguish which of us is uttering what; the words just tumble out, sincere and pained. For all my attempts at comfort, I still feel useless and worn out. Bella is anguish is born from her deep resentment toward Edward and his great disregard for her. He has once again left her side after having said what he'd come to say without allowing her to speak her mind. On the other hand, I'm sorry that she's in pain because Edward and resent him because he is gone and I'm not. And once again I am left behind to take his place and dry the tears that _he _should be drying.

Above all else, this feels like betrayal, this desire I have rooted within the depths of my heart to encompass Bella in my arms and keep her from Edward and all the pain he has brought into her life, where more is sure to follow. To both, Isabella and Edward... and myself. Because I keep fooling myself into believing that I can take his place, when I obviously cannot. Even if I try, I cannot protect her forever. Obviously, this simple wish is but a delusion. There's nothing I can do for Bella. I have nothing to offer, other than this cold, dead embrace.

Her endless stream of tears serves as prove of that. Right now, though I'm the one here, I'm not the one Isabella needs and craves at her side. It's _him_, Edward. Still, I continue to try to be enough for her, for now. But, until _when _will I be enough. _Have I ever been enough? Will I ever?_

"He left, Jasper... He left..." She is shaking. "He's... He's gone..." Her hands are gripping tightly to my forearms, her nails digging into my cold, stone flesh. "Gone, Jasper... Gone..."

"_Again"_, is the word that she can't, won't bring herself to say in the sway of her great despair. Her grip is like a vice, unwilling to let go and growing tighter, colder.

"Everything will be alright," I promise. She shakes her head, no. No, she _can't _believe me. No, she _won't_ believe me. "He'll come back." She trembles. _Lies, lies, and more lies... and empty promises,_ my mind mocks and I can't contradict it. "He has to. He loves you..." She can barely _dare _to hope. _I love you... _I want to confess, only, she won't want to hear these words. "He won't be long now." She prays. I dread.

"You'll stay until then? Until he returns?" she pleads and I hear her desperate cry, the deeper meaning behind her tactless words. _Please stay, Jasper... Please, please, Jasper, don't leave me alone in the dark. I'm afraid if you do, I'll go insane… like before._

"...I'll stay," I barely manage to promise. The words feel like sandpaper shredding at my vocal chords with vengeful discord. . All I want is to promise her that I'll stay and that I'll be the one loving her, if only she would have me. If only she would love me back. But... she doesn't and these are not the words she wants or needs to hear. Therefore, I bite down on my tongue and swallow these words down before they can get away from me.

"Thank you," she sobs, eyes wide and streaming with tears and more tears, their conflicted depths reflecting my own miserable face back at me. However, she doesn't see this and every new tear that falls down her delicately flushed cheeks and onto my shirt is like a stake shoved straight at my heart and twisted deeper. "Thank you..."

Even now, despite her unintentional cruelty, I still love her. Still, I want to remain at her side, I wish to be where she is. Even as she's crying and wishing to be in the company of another man, I'm shamfully grateful that I am the one beside her. If only to serve her as that someone to help dry her tears, I'll remain. Though it might be a painful existence, it has purpose and drive and it allows me to be at her side, which is more than I deserve.

"You are a very cruel woman, Isabella Swan," I whisper but my words go unheard by the one they are meant for as she continues to wallow in her nostalgia and her cries begin anew. "Won't you look my way once?"

The silence that descends next is heavily interrupted with intervals of Bella crying and sniffling as she calls for Edward... immersed in suffering because of Edward... Between half sobs and shuddering breaths, Bella eventually exhausts herself and stops crying altogether. I embrace her tighter to my chest, almost painfully so. It is not until I hear her breathing even out and her grip on my forearms slacken that I know she's cried herself to a fitful sleep. Again. And just like that, we are back to square one.

Back to when no matter what I said or did, it would not register with Isabella and all I was capable of doing was keep her demons at bay and make sure that the abyss of her despair wouldn't swallow her whole. And that is exactly what I do now, I hold Isabella close and murmur promises that will never reach her, but I'll hold true to. That's all I'm capable of doing for her, for myself.

Maybe it is because I can't seem to bring myself to let go; somehow, I'm too afraid to let go... Or maybe it's because doing nothing will send me spiraling into my own personal Hell, I am incapable of extracting myself from this situation I have no business being swept into. But I'm already way in over my head, tangled in her many miseries and can't go back, I know.

The tides changed the moment I realized that this young woman I currently hold in my arms came to posses my heart in the palm of her hand, since then it has been game over. After all, I was the one that handed it over without realizing I'd done so. Therefore, there is no going back. I can't take back what has been given away.

Throwing away all thoughts of proper conduct and caution, I let go of my inhibitions, allowing my fingers free reign, and comb them through Bella's disheveled hair without hesitation. Allowing my self this small pleasure, I take full advantage of it and admire the sleeping beauty in arms as my fingertips memorize the feel of her. Her warmth, the slow drumming of her pulse quickening beneath the careful caress of my icy fingertips, ice kissing fire. Easily addictive...

Starting from her nape to the wispy ends of her chocolate tendrils and back again my fingers tangle and untangle through her hair in an effortless loop that calms us both. Closing my eyes against the reality of our dire circumstances, I take my time to slowly breathe Bella in and mirror my breathing to her steady breaths. Meanwhile, Bella's fingertips rest at the nape of my neck, barely tangled in my flaxen curls, as I remain squatting with her snoozing in my lap at the foot of the bed. Putting us forehead-to-forehead and nose-to-nose.

_This is what home feels like,_ I muse.

Home has a new deffinition in my dictionary. Home is Isabella Swan. Right now, being nestled between Bella's accommodating thighs is home. Being able to hold her close like this, with my left hand on her waist and my vacillating fingers taking advantage of the small silver of exposed flesh there. Home... direct contact with the warmth of Isabella's petal-like skin to draw lazy circles on and seek comfort. Being able to tangle my fingers in her hair and muss it up while I breathe her scent in as it scorches my throat and fuels my thirst, also home.

Thankful for this welcome distraction, I allow myself to momentarily get caught up in the moment without thoughts of the here and now dampening the occasion. In my hands, Bella is like a living, breathing canvas for me to draw on and admire to my heart's content.

Not before long, Bella stirs and the scent of moisture and salt accompany her into awareness and I am abruptly brought back to reality. Knowing that Isabella hasn't caved in, or given up upon herself in the hopes of opting to avoid thinking about this painful reality she is living in once again is the only comfort I gain from her tears. Perhaps, my voice might reach her... There's still hope.

Gently squeezing the back of her neck reassuringly, I sigh dejectedly and gently place her on top of the bed. Bella frowns at me in confusion but does not question or protests my actions. Instead, she silently watches me, trying to read my next move and gain some insight as to what might be going through my mind.

I have a choice to make and not much time to consider the consequences and for that, I need to be able to think and being this near Bella does not help me think. Heaving to my feet and putting some semblance of distance between us, I immediately begin pacing and instantly get lost in my thoughts. While pacing, I try to make my choice by removing myself from the equation and thinking about what is best for Bella. By now my steps are a blur and I can hear the stirring of static in the air...

_ What would be best for Bella? _I dare to ponder, dreading the answer.

Feeling the heat of Bella's eyes trying to follow the course of my trajectory in confounded silence, I force my steps to falter into a more human speed -because I can't convince myself that I'll be able to come to a complete halt and resist _touching_ her. Out of the corner of my eye I watch as Bella deliberately stands a moment later and frowns at me in rapture as if I were a caged tiger in display. The unspoken questions burning in the depth of her chocolate eyes suffocate the mournful mood in the room and shroud over me, to the point where they garrote my airway and make it harder to breathe.

Coming to an abrupt halt once and for all, I steel myself and face Bella. She gazes at me pointedly, her mood somnolent but expectant as she tries to read my face -a mask of indifference that belies the tempest raging within. Gazing at her I try to memorize this moment and the way she looks, especially the way she's gazing up at me with her hair mussed from sleep and my fingers.

Like a man memorizing a landscape marked with treasures untold, my eyes rove hungrily over Isabella's face. Slowly, as if I were caressing her face with my fingertips rather than just looking from a distance, I allow myself a moment of indecency and look at Bella through the eyes of a man. As soon as I succumb to the allure of this guilty pleasure, it is easy to imagine my hands on her skin, titillating her senses awake with my fingers and caresses and Bella succumbing to my alluring seduction...

My imaginings take my phantom fingers on a quest across Isabella's pale flesh... Touching her face, cupping her cheeks between the apples of my palms, and feeling her breath upon my thumb as my finger skimms along her lips and parts them... Breathing in the air she breathes out, my lips over hers, almost touching but not quite... Almost... A shiver, a tremor of supressed desire for that which is forbidden rattles my very bones to the marrow. Traversing along her jaw, only to stop at her chin and tilt her head up so that my fingers can have better access to her neck and her hypnotizing eyes can continue to keep my soul and heart captive.

Nose and fingers skimming along the delicate curve of her elegant neck, fingertips dancing tremulously across her prominent collarbones, which are framed and shadowed by her abundant coffee tresses, teeth nipping, tongue tasting, hand gliding and pausing just over the voluptuous swell of her breasts, before squeezing them simultaniously to feel their weight, softness, and fullness. Meanwhile, my eyes simply admire the milky parlor of her unblemished skin blooming with twin pools of subdued rouge hue that accentuate her high cheekbones and provides her entire flesh with a radiant glow. Next, the phantom fingers explore down the sides of her torso to her hips and that tantalizing silver of exposed flesh that showcases just enough of her stomach to entice my desire for more, always more...

I sigh and shake my head, trying to rid my mind of further compromising thoughts. Nothing good will come of it, I am aware. It'll only serve to give me one more thing to be frustrated over. Because this is all one sided, it isn't a mutual desire, and at the end of the day, I'll be the one who gets hurt. Funny that, I thought I was practically invensible and that nothing could touch or hurt me and now I see it only takes this little human, Isabella Swan, to make me come undone at the seams.

Isabella isn't exactly beautiful or gorgeous or sexy or cute, though in some ways she encompasses all of these very attributes. There is something more to her that I can't quite name... She is breathtakingly _human_, I conclude. Satisfied, I nod to myself. That's it. _Breathtaking_... _A rather befitting word,_ I can't help but think. It possesses its own character and personality, which adequately simplifies and puts into perspective how I view Isabella Swan. The nature of Bella's humanity is what makes her appealing to my eyes, that which makes her, in my eyes, perfect despite all her obvious imperfections.

_**...**_

_**Imperfection is perfection.**_

_Now, that is something we can agree on._

_**...Your condecending is unparalleled.**_

_**...**_

Carefully, as if I might forget what Bella looks like the very next moment, I sketch her form and beauty in the recesses of my mind with careful and detailed design. Committing it to memory for a day when I will no longer have the luxury to do so unabashed, with the knowledge that no matter how great my memory as an immortal might be, it will never do her silent intensity and beauty justice.

Taking in a deep breath, I let it out slow and uneven. As if this action actually pains me, I momentarily close my eyes tightly. _One, two, three..._ I try to count my breaths but the sound of Bella's heartbeat is like a compelling whisper I cannot ignore, a siren call that is keen on saying and knowing only my name.

"Jasper?" Bella's heartbeat thuds and I know I am too far lost in my delusion. Lost in my insensitive need to prolong this moment for just a selfish while longer. Bella shifts and takes a cautious step in my direction and my heart swells and catches in my throat. "Jasper?" her heart thuds again and now she is standing a breath from me. A distance too easy too cover.

_ This is torture..._ I can just feel her warmth trying to make up for my lack of body heat, enveloping me in her scent. My palm twitches, eager to reach out and give in to temptation. Instead, I roughly rake my fingers through my tangled wisps in an effort to stop my hands from trembling and Bella from noticing.

_What is wrong with me? I can't lie any more; I can't hide any more… I've got nothing to say. I've got nothing to do. I've nothing to offer. At least that's what I've been telling myself. She's given me more than I can return, yet there's so much that she deserves. And it feels like I am just too close to telling her that I love her… But there's something inside that I need to release…_

My train of thought comes to an abrupt halt as Bella carefully reaches out and puts a palm on either side of my face. For a moment, my mind goes blank and I can't think. I'm only aware of Bella, her sudden nearness, where her hands are touching me, and her scent mixing with mine, which is now so concentrated that I have to stop breathing before I start drooling at the corners. Therefore, the only thing I _can_ do is swallow and try not to freak out because, I mean, come on, Bella is touching me!

Next, she caresses my knitted brows _-When had I furrowed them?_All I know is, if I had a tail, I'd probably be wagging it into a blur right about now... And again, all I feel is her warmth against my cheeks and the hypnotizing whoosh of her pulse roaring in my ears... Unconsciously, I lick my lips nervously. The air tastes like her, even... _Cue mental whimper..._ _Yup, I am _officially_ a tortured man._

"What's wrong?" she mutters softly. This time, I know it's not my imagination because her voice is still raw and gravely with tears and sleep. "Talk to me, Jasper?"

Once again, I'm back to the here and now, just like that. Though I can't say much about my shallow breathing... I just hope she doesn't notice and if she does, I hope she doesn't ask. I sigh, trying to collect myself and find my dignity and masculinity again. Sounds so much easier than it is, I'll tell you that much. Ahem, I'm getting sidetracked here. Where was I? Oh, right, Bella asked me a question...

Unbidden, my mouth opens and I speak:

"Go to him."

Against my better judgment, the words are out of my mouth before I can take them back. Therefore, though I know I will regret it later (I already am, really) the moment the words are out, I know I've said the right thing. Even if my heart won't agree to it, my reasoning does. I'm doing this for her, I remind myself. She's all that matters right now. Not me, or the fact that I just willingly shattered any hopes of a future I might have had with this amazing woman by simply opening my mouth and saying this crippling order that goes against everything I desire.

_**...**_

_Way to go, Jasper, you just ruined everything with your own two hands. You've got no one to blame but your idiotic self. _

_**But we can always blame it on Edward...**_

_**...**_

Bella's speechless shock and disbelieve runs through me as it leaves her body and coxes into mine, like a well-strung current of ill placed electricity. Her reaction makes my heart tremble with lost hope. Perhaps, it is the southern gentleman in me, finally having a say in all this. Maybe I'm actually a better man than anyone or I give myself credit for.

_**...**_

_Have I finally lost my mind?! Why would I send her seeking after Edward?_

_**Because you don't wish to hurt our Isabella… Or, perhaps, is it because you need time to breathe and time to be alone? But, yeah, I think you've lost it…**_

_**...**_

"What? But-" Bella shakes her head and takes two, three steps away from me, needing space and in the process leaving me cold and disappointed at having lost the small contact, and hugs her midsection. It's as if she believes that simple action can protect her from the audacity of my words. No such luck. "Jasper, no..."

…

_I must learn to live without her…_

_**Now, that's something to strive for, **_my demon mocks.

_Yeah, I don't think I can do it either, _I reply dryly.

_**You really need to learn how to appreciate sarcasm…**_

…

"You went all the way to the Volturi, Isabella." I chuckle darkly, humorlessly. "That's the very heart of the vampire world, somewhere most vampires dread to go, and you're only human, let's not forget. Therefore, you risked your own life, no less, to bring him back. It was a stupid thing to do, but it was pretty amazing and brave of you... And it was all just to save him!" I reason, my voice no more than a hoarse whisper, before she can argue and I lose the will to keep my head and priorities straight. Or rather, before I decide to steal her away against her will.

"I don't know if you're complimenting me, or insulting me right now." Bella grimaces.

"Oh, it's definitely a compliment." I smirk impishly.

She shakes her head, mouthing the word "unbelievable" under her breath.

"Ergo, given that you've already gone through so much hardship, the next step should be the easiest. Wouldn't you say?" I add, "Make that risk count, don't let it be for nothing. Since all you'll have to do is put aside your pride, nothing perilous, I think you are well equipped to handle what comes next, after what you had to go through in Italy."

"And what's that?"

"Give the Yankee a chance. Confront him." I smile, a winning, _fake _smile that puts a crinkle in my eyes. "I'm sure there's much you want to discuss with him. Not to mention, he has a lot of explaining to do and then, there's much that you need to get off your chest as well. Isn't there?"

"There is," she admits thoughtfully, though not yet convinced.

"Then hear him out, it's the least you can do for yourself," I tell her and force another smile. "Maybe then he'll hear you out… He owes you that." She nods, agreeing to that last part. "Go crazy. Shout at him and hit him. You did it with me." I shrug. She looks sheepish at that last reminder. "Problem solvred." It feels as if for every word I utter it's a dagger in me that I sink deeper and deeper...

"You make it sound so easy..." she sighs.

"I'm not sure, but I think it might be a vampire thing," I tease, aiming for aloofness that I don't possess but deliver flawlessly.

"I still say it's a bad idea," mumbles Bella stubbornly. "I'm just not convinced, Jasper. It was one thing with you-"

_Allow me to convince you against my better judgment, _I think, closing the distance created previously by her. She stays put.

"Don't over think this Bella, that's all you have to do." While I stay out of your way and pretend that this doesn't affect me, that I'm not growing insanely jealous. "Just... walk right up to him and poke him in the chest if you have to! Just do something! Stop torturing yourself like this! I can't watch you torture yourself like this another moment longer, Isabella..." I rake my fingers through my hair agressively. "So help me, Bella, if you don't go talk to him with your own two feet, I'll drag you there myself and it won't be pretty," I threaten.

Bella's eyes go wide, like saucers. "You wouldn't," she gapes and stares at me as I stalk over to her.

"Don't try me," I practically growl. However, for some reason, she doesn't cower. "I don't know what I'll do if you do." I sigh, staring intently into her eyes. "Conflict shouldn't be avoided," I say, softening my voice to try and calm both of us. _I'm a martyr now? _"It should be confronted and solved." _Take your own advice, Whitlock,_ I think bitterly. "What'll it be, Bella?"

_**...**_

_**So you think we're headed separate ways?**_

_There's nothing I can really say… that says otherwise._

_**So we're giving up? Just like that?**_

_**...**_

Frowning, Bella glances down at her shuffling feet and tersely nods, before her unwavering eyes meet mine; piercingly beseeching and making me feel bare before her. After a half-second hesitation I rubb her arms, trying to ooze some calm and warmth into her until I remember that I'm one of the living dead, that I'm as cold as death and drop my hands back to my sides defeatef.

Feeling ashamed, thoughts of running away and escaping cross my mind but my feet and heart are rooted to the spot where Bella and I are standing, anchored by her piercing brown eyes. Whereas, my mind is already trying to escape and my brain is sending shockwaves of warning all over my unresponsive body, which remembers the promises I've made to this young woman before me. At the same time, Bella is watching me closely with a turmoil of warring questions and conflicting chaos kaleidoscoping in the berth of her morose eyes and making it impossible for me to hide behind a familiar, comforting mask, or retreat. It is too late, she has exposed my vulnerability and left me bare. Instead, my senses are in overdrive as I hear her swallow thickly, the sound reverberating throught the confined space and arresting my sense of hearing. Then, after hesitating for only an instant, she reaches out for my fisted hands with uncertanty that vanishes the moment her trembling fingers brush against the backs of my hands.

The shock of this grounding contact takes me by complete surprise and my breath rushes out of me in an instant, leaving me breathless and hopeful. Now, I'm watching her as she draws sure circles on the backs of my hands with her scorching thumbs, intent on setting a flame coursing through my veins to my muted heart with the action alone. At this very moment, I believe, if anyone could accomplish such feat, it would be her. Isabella would be the one to exploit all possibilities beyond the realm of what is possible and isn't and get away with it, coming out victorious. Reasuringly grasping my hands tighter still within her small warm ones, until her knuckles have gone white with numbness, Bella takes a deep, shuddering breath and lets it out shakily, cloaking the space between us in her scent.

I inhale her in, letting my sense of smell overpower all other senses until my throat is scorching and the venom filling my mouth becomes like oil, adding to the flames. Only then, do I allow myself to squeeze her hand in mine, almost fearful of finding rejection or metting disgust in the depths of her eyes and emotions. Instead, I find none of these when I dare to look. In fact, I am rewarded with a genuine smile that feels like a secret.

"That's better," she muses softly. Then, her eyes darken and a humorless chuckle passes past her now frowning lips. Instantly, I feel the air in the room thin and the mood change, I brace myself. "What if I don't like what he has to say?" she finally asks and I let go of the breath I'd been holding.

Her brows are so tightly drawn with worry that I can't help it, I reach out and smooth it out with the pad of my thumb as delicately as I can manage with our hands still clasped together. I can't let go, not yet. Graciously, Bella smiles up at me and I manage a contrite smile in return, it feels venomous.

"That's a possibility," I acknowledge. Bella smirks wanly at me as do I. "Something you'll have to deal with when you get there. There's no point in worrying over something that has yet to pass, Isabella, it doesn't help make things easier."

"It hasn't been easy from the start, Jasper, so don't even give me that," scowls Bella, tone mocking and lets go of one of my hands. Too soon, I mourn. "Actually, on second thought," she rounds on me, a sneer twisting at the corners of her lips, "I don't think I even want to hear what he has to say…" she scoffs, "and why should I?" She pokes my chest hard, angrily and without flinching, punctuating the last three words. "It's not like he's bothered to let me soeak my mind or hear what I have to say!" Bella's seething now, eyes glinting maniacally and angrier than I've seen her in a while with her cheeks deliciously flushed an angry pink. "Not now, and certainly not the first time-" _He left, _I mentally add for her. "-Not before! How can I trust him again? Why would I, Jasper?"

"I never said anythign about trust, Bella," I say soothingly, reaching out and plaicing a wayward lock back behind her ear. She lets me, I'm releived to know. "Be the better person," I continue. "_Make_ him listen and ignore whatever he has to say."

Bella snorts."Tall feat that. Didn't you just witness him turning his back on me and walking away?"

"He owes you that much and more, you just need to corner him. I'll help." I smile at her encouragingly and feel my pupils dilate with the effort of my slight insincerity. Thankfully, Bella doesn't notice. "And I'm sure the rest of the family will be more than willing to be let in on the plan. Especially Rosalie, she'll do it just to ger on Edward's nerves." That last bit ends me a giggle. I smile, genuinely, feeling serene. "Bella, you've already risked your life for the moron," I point out and she rolls her eyes at me, smirking. "Everything else from this point forward should be a piece of cake, remember?"

"So you like to keep on reminding me." Bella smiles at me uncertainly but nods and squeezes my fingers once more, steeling her resolve before letting go of my grasp. "Honestly, you are beginning to sound like a broken record, Whitlock," she mumbles under her breath, loud enough for me to intentionally hear. I shake my head, smiling, and let it slide.

"Because you and I both know I'm right."

Bella sighs in irritation at my words, almost an exaspirated groan, and tangles her fingers through her hair just to have something to do with her hands, to let go of the accumulated wayward energy. She looks at me and scowls, sighing again. Only, this time, she is sighing in defeat and begrudging surrender. She looks up at me, her lips set on a grim line and shakes her head, her emotions a tornado of chaos that cannot find order within the numbness disguised as calm.

Once again, I try to offer her an my best encouraging smile, which falls the moment she looks away. Bella's eyes are now fixed just over my shoulder and the bedroom door instead, probably longing for inspiration on how to escape this, just like I am. In an attempt not to force her gaze to mine, I hold my breath and wait…

"Okay..." she mumbles finally and inhales sharply. Judging by the unnatural glint in her eyes, Bella's mentally trying to talk herself into seeing this as nothing more than just... another conversation to come. Given the look of despair when her eyes meet mine again, she isn't having much success. "I can do this?"

My eyes soften at the sound and feel of her uncertainty in full display. Now that the flush and fire of her anger is gone from her cheeks and eyes, Bella looks weathered. But it adds to her silent intensity, making her more remarkable than before in my eyes. Seeing this side of her strengthens me resolve and I manage to regain some courage.

Right now what I feel doesn't matter, I remind myself. All that matters is that Bella finds a way to put an ending to this cycle of falling herself to sleep in tears each night over Edward Cullen. The man is not worth so many of her tears, so much of her sorrow, hours, days, or nights, and thoughts. I'll help her brake this cycle, I vow. All I need to do is remain at her side... If only it were that easy! But even if my fate is to be the one that ends up as collateral in the process, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but at Isabella's side for as long as I can.

"Yes." Without so much as a calculated thought, I desperately place my hands on either side of her cheeks and cup her face between the cambers of my palms, forcing her gaze to mine through this overwhelming method. Willing and accepting, she lets me, without so much as trying to flinch would be so easy, right now, to just lean forward and press my lips to hers...

"I can?" Her doe eyes beseech me. My pupils dilate as I struggle to stiffle my desire to abreast her heart to mine by any means possible, just so that I'm the one in her thoughts... Even if that means her hating me in the process. "Truly?"

Sighing and putting aside my desires with a rueful smile curving the corners of my mouth, I watch her intently for the span of a heartbeat. Trying to convey without words that everything will work out, before I force the next words to pass my unwilling tongue. "No matter what happens, I'll be here," I assure her with a last desperate attempt that works better than I could have hoped. "But, yes, I'm sure you can do this."

"I can do this," she repeats, sounding surer. Stronger. With no small amount of unmasked awe, I take in the sight of Isabella forcing herself to stand tall with her head held high. She looks so regal in that moment that the smile that tugs at my lips is so genuine it even makes me laugh. Bella beams at the sound and her eyes brighten as her own smile continues to tug at her lips.

"You see," I tell her, "you are much stronger and braver than you think, Bella. You are the bravest human I know."

"If you say so." She hugs me and then holding me at arms length, gazes up at me before I can return the gesture. Given the look on her face, I don't have to be an empath to know that she's dubious. "Though I'm sure you don't interact with that many humans," she grumbles. "Otherwise, you wouldn't be making me sound like the little engine that could..."

"Hey! I heard that." Her gaze is impish now when she looks up at me from under her lashes and I have to mentally berate myself to keep my hands to myself. Something that Bella makes near impossible without meaning to, and physically painful. I pocket them for precautionary measure. Better safe than sorry. Swallowing, I clear my throat. Twice.

Bella giggles.

I bark a laugh. The little vinx... I shake my head.

"Can I ask you something?" I deviate, trying to distract my wayward thoughts, again. "Just… don't take it the wrong way."

"Shoot." She seats back on her bed, expectantly. "I make no promises, though," she says, looking up at me and tilting her head with a raised brow. "And I just might choose not to answer."

"Fair enough. I can live with that." I nod, feeling restless. "Earlier...," I trail off, trying to tread in carefully because now that I'm about to ask, I'm not sure I should. "When you became aware of Edward, for a moment you reacted as if you were almost scared of him..." As I expected, Bella tenses but I press on and ignore the swirling sensations of alarm and unease her body is oozing. "Why was that? Did he do… something?"

Before I can even finish that last sentence, Bella is shaking her head, almost vehemently. "I'm not scared of Edward, if that's what you're asking, Jasper," she answers carefully, her gaze unwavering on mine until I'm forced to look away. "Seriously, you and Charlie should team up and come up with some more outrageous reasons to keep turning Edward into the "bad guy" in this scenario you've both been constructing around what's been happening… Honestly!"

"Then, why?" _The bad reaction... _I ask, ignoring that last bit.I really shouldnn't go there. Not now, not ever.

"I was scared for you..." she whispers so low I'm not even sure I've heard her correctly, until she clears her throat and repeats herself without meeting my gaze. I search her face for any signs of deception. There are none. "Scared that he would make you go before I'm ready..." she fumbles to explain herself, "that you would go if he said... I just couldn't have that."

"I wouldn't have," I assure her almost savagely. Not to mention, I just got you back and the thought of having you out of my sight so soon is unnerving and terrifying, numbing. "Not unless that's what you want," I quickly amend.

She meets my gaze and in a resolute mumble, says, "Never." My thoughts and frozen heart stutter at the sound and forcefulness of her conviction in my moment of astonishment. "If I have my say," she adds under her breath and I know she hadn't meant for me to hear her, therefore I pretend not to have heard.

"The others..." I start and clear my throat before giving it another go. "The rest of the family came back, too. Esme texted me... I think... I should see them." I shrug, trying for nonchalance but feeling very awkward. She nods, understanding. "So now should be a good time to go find him, probably," I add, scratching the back of my neck nervously. Better than shuffling, I suppose.

"Probably," she admits with a sad and painful smile that I've helped Edward place on her delicate lips. "I haven't decided." When she glances at me now, her eyes are guarded and I hate that I've had a hand in putting that wall between us.

_It's better this way;_ I try and fail to convince myself. _This way, it'll be easier for when we have to part. Because it'll have to happen, eventually, remember? You're not the one she loves, nor are you the one she flew half way across the world and risked her life to find and bring back._

…

_**And you can never be him.**_

_Thanks for the vote of confidence,_ I snarl callously at my demon. _I thought you were supposed to be on my side._

_**I am.**_

_Sure doesn't feel like it..._

…

"Don't," Bella whispers and that single word sounds so terrified that I look up at her in alarm, trying to find its cause. And realize that I'm it, she's looking at me as if she's seen a ghost...

"Bella?"

"Just don't," she pleads, heart hammering as the tang of her fear tantalizes my taste buds. "Jasper, please..." Before I can even ask her what I've done, Bella is on her feet and holding onto my arm with all her might. "Jasper," she gasps, her desperation palpable, "don't hide from me. Please. Not from me."

Dumbfounded, I stare at Bella. "I'm not... What do you mean?"

That sad smile curves her lips again as she says, "There you go, you are doing it again..." With a nervous chuckle she lets go of my arm as if she can't bear to touch me and instead, hugs herself. "I thought... I hoped that you'd consider me a friend by now."

"I do!" I hasten to assure her, startled. _And so much more!_ But she just offers me a placating smile that tells me that she is unconvinced.

"If that were the case, Jasper, you wouldn't hide from me so easily..."

"I'm not-" I am confused, however, and feeling just about ready to bolt. _Am I? Was I?_

"But you are, Jasper," she argues. "I saw it in your eyes..." She reaches out and touches the curve from my brow to my cheek with a feather-light caress of her fingertips as if to demonstrate. "Your face might not give away much, Jasper, but your eyes speak volumes," she adds kindly.

Her words are like a crash that I can't avoid and without meaning to, I find myself flinching away from her touch for the first time. Feeling exposed, I pretend not to feel the hurt I see in her eyes. Instead, I shake my head and scowl at her while trying to put as much distance between us as her small room and this magnetism between us will allow.

"I don't know what you're talking about." To my surprise, the words come out stubbstubbornly and harsher than I'd originally intended to speak them.

"And I wouldn't take Edward back, even if he begged me to," she retorts sarcastically and I can taste the lie, bitter on my tongue. I'm so disgusted by this realization, I visibly flinch.

"That's low," I growl through clenched teeth.

"I can do worse. Just try me," she challenges. I gape, astounded. Bella sighs. "Sure. Since I can't possibly know you as well as you know me by now..." I clench my jaw at her words but say nothing. "You are hiding something, Jasper, so cut the BS and get real."

"I'm not-"

"There's no point denying it," she interrupts. "Look, you don't have to tell me," she adds, her tone patient as she reaches out to me once again. I let her. "Just don't try to hide it from me. I won't ask for something that you are not willing to freely offer." She smiles sadly, looking tired. "However, I hope that one day you feel as comfortable as I do with you and tell me what it is that troubles you so much. Your secret, I suppose…"

…

_**It's you.**_

_Shut it._

…

"My… secret?" I ask, trying to buy time or look for a hole to crawl into.

…

_Does she know something? She can't, right?_

_**She can probably read you like a book… **_

_Not helping!_

…_**But I'm sure she hasn't guessed as to **_**that**_**. **_

_That's a relief…_

_**For now, that is…**_

…

I can feel myself panicking the longer I remain in this state of bafflement and Bella keeps on slamming her words at me with a mean curve to them. Honestly, I just can't predict where she'll throw next.

"Until then, just promise not to hide from me?" she wagers. "You're always doing so much for me... I just wish to return the favor and in some small way repay you."

_All I want is for you to look at me…_

"I-" I try to speak but I am tongue-tied. I swallow, unsure of what to say or do and feeling emotionally cornered and exposed. _How is it that she can see me so well in so little time?_ Do my eyes truly give away so much or is it that because it's Bella, only she can see what lies beneath the veiled mask?

"I don't mean right now," Bella rushes to say, looking slightly nervous. "It's just that, I guess, given what's been happening I felt a bit paranoid and in my mind it felt like... I don't know, like I was loosing you back there. I panicked." Her smile is apologetic and the knot around my heart loosens.

Understanding, I smile. "You never have to fear that," I assure her, sincerely. "I'll be your friend for lifetime, if you wish it."

"I know that," she admits and smiles. "Just... Don't go where I can't reach you, because the thought of that terrifies me more than I can say."

"Alright," I agree. "It's just... I was thinking that now that everyone is back, everything will change between the two of us," I try to open up and explain. "I mean, it'll probably be a slow transition but everything should be going back to normal soon. Back to the way it was before." _You back with Edward and I... Where does that leave me?_

"Thank you..." Bella beams. "But if going back to normal means losing your friendship, I think we'll have to make some adjustments…"

"Agreed," I say and walk back to Bella. Taking her by the hand I walk us to the foot of her bed and sit, taking her with me. "Just so you know, I didn't mean to hide that from you or anything," I add after carefully mulling over what I want to say. "I'm just not used to having someone who wants to hear my thoughts or doesn't know what I'm about to say before I even say it."

"Except for the human," Bella laughs.

"Except for the human," I agree, laughing with her. "Funny how I keep forgetting that," I mumble, more to myself than to Bella. For emphasis I pull her closer and nuzzle her neck, making her squirm, and inhale. "It's not like this scent makes it any easy to forget. So why is that?"

"I don't know!" she says breathless with laughter. "Hey, that tickles! Jasper!" she protests and I regretfully let her go.

"You really are mouthwatering..." She is flushed and radiant, her eyes moist with mirth. This is how she should always look, joyful.

"Honestly, Jasper," Bella chastises, her smile now permanent. "Does that mean it's gotten easier? Being around me, that is."

"It never gets easier," I answer honestly. "I'm just slowly learning how to resist the pull."

"Oh…" Bella stares at me for a moment, another question forming in her mind. "How exactly do you do that?"

"Me?" She nods, smiling encouragingly. "I weigh the pros and cons… Eat Bella, no more Bella. Eat Bella… I get to find out if her blood tastes as good as it smells… If I find out… there might not be more for later."

"That would be terrible," Bella giggles.

"It would be," I chuckle, smirking. "Well, you get the big picture."

"Do I ever," she hums.

"If you're really considering having a got at Edward, you should get going..." And there goes that beautiful smile.

"Yeah," she says but makes no attempts to get going.

"I can drive you there," I offer halfheartedly. "Since we are going the same way."

_I must leave without her…_

"No." She refuses quickly and I'm slightly ashamed for feeling so relieved and hurt. "I need some alone time, if I'm really going to do this," she hastily explains. I understand, even if I wish I didn't. After all, I feel the same way. "To think about what I want to say and ask, so you go on ahead without me." That makes sense. "I'm sure you've missed them after being stuck with this clumsy human for so long." She laughs, winking. "Besides, they've probably been hoping to see you since they got back, and here I've been, keeping you from them."

_Not that I was complaining. You can keep me from them any time…_

"I've been having loads of fun being stuck with the clumsy human," I tease. She smiles ruefully, a tinge of rouge coloring and accentuating her cheeks. "I mean it."

"Thanks. Being stuck with a blood sucker is not so bad either," she teases back.

"Don't mention it," I say dryly and stand. All in good humor, of course. "Catch," I add, throwing her the keys to her truck.

"Actually, color me disappointed." She smirks, catching the keys flawlessly. I raise a brow in question. "I was expecting more bite."

"Careful what you wish for, Swan," I purr, biting the air dangerously close to her left ear. I chuckle darkly. She gasps, covers her endangered ear, blinks, and next thing she knows, I'm gone and lithely lunching myself out her window. "Race you there."

Landing swiftly on my feet, I make a run for the woods in the direction of what used to be home without a backwards glance or hindering my momentum. Otherwise, I might be tempted to double back and never let her reach Edward.

"That's cheating!" I hear Bella grumble before I make it past the first line of trees, making me chuckle.

* * *

…

* * *

The further away my steps took me from Bella, the harder it became to breathe, think, and continue running. I wanted to go right back and put her under house arrest. Instead, I continued to go against my desires. Running deeper into these familiar woods and failing to get lost in them.

* * *

…

* * *

_Present Time:_

"Crisis momentarily averted," a familiar, honey deep voice sighs, sounding ridiculously too pleased.

"Phew!" interjects another equally familiar whimsical voice. "Call about cutting it close, Pete."

"Good job Pete," Peter says mockingly, his voice imitating Charlotte's resonating pitch in all its whimsicality perfectly. "You sure stopped Jasper from making the dumbest mistake yet." Of course, that earns him a loud smack to the back of the head from Charlotte, who smiles at me as she does so, without so much as batting an eyelid.

Meanwhile, I'm frowning and growling with a savage scowl on my face as I dust myself off.

"What the hell was that for?" I bark indignantly.

"Thank you for that, Pete," Peter retorts mockingly, imitating my drawl this time around. "You are the best friend a vamp can have."

"I'll thank you when I know why the hell you did that." I scowl. "Be glad that there's not a scratch on Bella. Otherwise, I'd have to have your head ripped clean off your shoulders."

"But I like my head right where it is…" grumbles Peter, whining for all intents and purposes. "Both of 'em, actually..."

"So unnecessary..." Charlotte chimes in. "You're gonna get it now..."

"That's it. I change my mind," I sneer, "I'll just burn you."

"Handsome, stop scowling, you'll get wrinkles," Charlotte admonishes and removes some dirt from my shoulders before patting my cheek affectionately." You shall not be leaving me husbandless today, so don't even think-"

"Only if you promise to sing 'Burn baby, burn' while dancing around my pyre," interjects Peter with a click of his tongue while looking at his nails and buffing them on his shoulder.

Annoyed, I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger and ignore Peter. Sometimes, his nonchalance can get the better of me. I hang my head, if I continue to stare at the moron I might get tempted to just give in and start rearranging his features. On the other hand... that might not be such a bad idea.

"Will you stop intentionally antagonizing him?" hisses Charlotte, punching his left forearm. "You're seriously not helping your cause, darling husband..."

"Ouch! Babe, that's harsh," Peter pouts, rubbing his left arm. "Besides, he's tease-able. What will you have me do when he makes it so easy? Don't you agree?" Charlotte huffs. "And don't forget, I don't see him enough as it is… so I kinda have to make up for lost time. And I honestly thought we were going for the bad cop, good cop routine here. When did our game plan change anyway?"

"You are incorrigible," she mutters. "Suit yourself." Charlotte shrugs. "I'll just go find you the necessary wood and some matches," she adds, smirking savagely at me. "I've changed my mind. I'd love to help with the proceedings."

"Now you're the one not helping babe..." whines Peter, glancing nervously between the two of us and looking ready to bolt if I so decide to take up on the offer... which, I just might.

"Just say the word..." Charlotte singsongs. Smirking, I nod. Charlotte makes a go for it, but Peter is already holding onto both of her forearms, having anticipated her move.

"Seriously woman!" _How you like them eggs?_ "He hasn't said "the word"! What you moving for?"

"He did give me "the nod" though," Charlotte counters. "Right, cowboy?"

"Oh, forget it," I say, feeling more than halfway exasperated. Charlotte pouts, clearly disappointed, and Peter looks so relieved that it almost, _almost,_ makes me want to change my mind again. But in all honesty, it's scary when you think about it, but she so would do it. Since Charlotte is such a go-getter, you can bet she'll pull through if you humor her enough. And if I give them an inch and let them keep at it, I won't be getting any answers today between all their easy banter and bickering.

"Now here's a reasonable man," praises Peter, patting my back. I scow and shove him off. "This is what you should be learning from him, deary." Before he's even finished his sentence, Charlotte is on him, applying corporate punishment before I'm tempted to do so myself, once again, and offers me an embarrassed smile on his behalf.

"_Enough._" My tone and facial expression are threatening enough that it gives both, Peter and Charlotte, pause. "Explain," I bark the order. "NOW." _I think I have a headache… the longer this goes on..._ "Before I decide to start making good on my impulsive promises..."

"So much for a warm welcome," mumbles Peter under his breath, gazing at me reproachfully. "You really diappoint me, Major." Unbelievable, he actually _spoons_ his bottom lip and pouts! "I was expecting at least _one_ sloppy kiss…"

"If you'd just taken a moment to call him on the way here or hadn't stopped for that snack-" begins Charlotte.

"Yeah, yeah, so you say-"

"Quit it," I interrupt, growing steadily impatient. "Both of you... _Explain._ Now. What the hell is going on?" As an afterthought I add, "_Please?_"

"Well, look at him, Charlie!" exclaims Peter, looking triumphant. "Aren't you proud? He's learned his manners!"

"So I'm hearing." Charlotte chuckles, trying to hide her sardonic smile at Peter's words behind her hand. She isn't being very successful at it, in my opinion. But seeing my murderous gaze intently trained on them, they both sober up and get serious. "I wonder... who do we have to thank for that?"

Well, let me rephrase that, as serious as Peter and Charlotte can get, under the circumstances. Which isn't very serious at al, not serious enough to appease me.l

"That's it," I groan, irritation getting the better of me. "We are done here. I'm leaving."

"Sorry," Charlotte offers, stopping my retrieve with her palm on my chest. "Let's get down to business?". Even so, I don't think she looks all that apologetic. As for Peter, he's not even pretending to look apologetic, at all. Of course, I expecteed this.

Exhaling, I try to rule in my emotions long enough to for a coherent thought, while flexing my fingers in order to give them something to do. Otherwise, I might find them around Peter's throat. A moment later, I nod, my jaw clenching and unclenching. Glancing between then two, I sneer at them and they have enough sense and decency to avoid my gaze and stare at the ground. _That's more like it, _I think, smirking.

"Start speaking. Now." I scowl. "Or do I have to find creative ways to get it out of you?"

"No worries, cowboy, we've never been much for dramatics," Charlotte interjects the moment Peter looked like he was opening his mouth, probably to say something not forthcoming. "Peter?"

"Oh, alright. I'll give the man what he wants." _Thank you! _I mentally cheer, _about damned time, too._ "She's not ready to hear your epic declaration of love, Major," Peter offers sagely, his tone subdued and respectful.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I say, looking away from the pair. They know I'm lying. I know I'm lying. And they are gracious enough not to call me on it, for the time being.

"You are among friends, Whitlock, what's the point in pretending?" Charlotte says, not unkindly. "You can't fool us, even if you can fool yourself."

"That's the thing, I can't," I mutter bitterly.

"Look, we both know you can take on that copper-head but she probably wouldn't have forgiven you if you had, you know?" Curtly, I nod, acknowledging his words. "Your girl needs to sort things out for herself without you getting her feathers ruffled or burdening her like that. At ease not before she's ready."

"And that is why we had to stop you the way we did," Charlotte adds. "Otherwise, you would have ruined any chance at true friendship, much less something more… Honestly, I know it's hard not saying the words now that you're so hyperaware of them and constantly at the tip of your tongue, but you have to hold your horses and wait." I sigh, nodding. "Besides, going in the direction you were going, you were aiming for resentment and there's no coming back from that. Us women can hold grudges like it's nobody's business."

"Well, isn't that's just great," I mumble.

"I'm not one for gloating, much," Peter shrugs, smirking, "but you owe us, Major." I roll my eyes and chuck a log at him. Too bad he avoided it. "Where the hell did that log come from?" he protests as Charlotte and I laugh. "I think it actually nicked me!"

"Oh, you, stop whining," chides Charlotte, inspecting him so he would shut up. "See? There's nothing there. You're made of tougher stuff than steel, baby."

"I'll remember this, Whitlock," Peter warns ominously. "One of these days I'll make you pay..."

"I'll consider that a promise," I tease. "I'll be waiting."

Peter scowls, for a change. "Whatever..."

"Aww, look at you boys!" Charlotte coos, "You sure know how to make your mamma proud!"

"And you sure know how to make us embarrassed," Peter shudders. I laugh.

"You know you like it," Charlotte says suggestively.

I clear my throat before things get out of hand again, bringing their easily wandering attention back to me. "Thank you girls, you've served your Major well," I smirk, hands behind my back and standing at at-ease.

"Any time," says Peter, saluting and putting an arm over my shoulders.

"Well, I don't want to put a stop to your bro-loving moment," interrupts Charlotte, "but now that we've kissed and made up, don't you think we should get going?" She blinks up at me, smirking, and loops an arm around mine. "Show the distressed girl you're still in one piece?"

"Oh... You were actually planning on meeting her?" Suddenly, I'm not so sure about this.

"Why do you think I followed this idiot and came all the way here for?" Charlotte rolls her eyes at me, shaking her head. "Not to see your sweet ass, that's for sure. You're just the added bonus..."

"I don't know about you, but my pride is a little dented," Peter mutters, rather loudly. Charlotte sticks her tongue out at him.

"Uh... Thanks, I think," I manage.

"After you then."

"You think she'll like me?" Peter muses.

"You can be such a girl sometimes, babe," Charlotte sighs.

"What's not to like?" I press on before their bickering can build momentum and start up again. "Let's go."

"Lead the way, Major."

"Is it just my colorful imagination or-"

"Shut up, Peter!" Charlotte and I cut him off, laughing as he pouts.

"Honestly, I love the man, but he sure is incorrigible," Charlotte mutters in my ear.

"I know what you mean."

"He's still mine though." Her unnecessary warning makes me chuckle and I smile deviously.

"I wasn't planning on taking him away..."

"Good."

"Good," I add, smiling as Bella's scent hits my nose before I even set my eyes on her pacing form.

"Well, isn't she just mouthwatering," hums Charlotte.

"Indeed," agrees Peter.

"Now, now, girls, I'm not into sharing," I say. "She's mine."

"Not quite," Peter counters. I growl. "Just pointing out the truth."

"You know he means no harm," Charlotte sooths, calming the beast.

I nod. "I know. Sorry Pete."

"No harm, no foul, man. But I'll make sure to keep my hands to myself."

"That would be wise," snorts Charlotte.

I snicker. "Indeed."

"You two seriously need to stop making me feel like the odd man out," Peter pouts. "What's with the ganging up on Peter you guys got going on?"

"He never changes, does he?" I ask Charlotte.

"What now?!" Peter groans.

"Sadly, no," Charlotte sighs, "he's still slow on the uptake."

"Now, what does that mean?"

"So sad..." I say gravely and pat Peter on the back. "I still think highly of you, you know?" Peter gapes. Charlotte tries very hard not to laugh and fails. I join her in laughter, feasting my eyes on Bella.

The closer we get, the more at ease I feel and the feeling intensifies the moment she sees us coming. In that moment her face transforms into a welcoming smile and the drum of her heartbeat echoes welcomingly in my ears. Hastening my steps, I break from Peter and Charlotte's grasp in an attempt to get to Bella quicker. The next moment, Bella is also on the move, trying to meet me halfway.

"Jasper!" The relief in Bella's voice is as strong as her sense of utter confusion and it immediately sets me at ease. "Are you alright?" She's running now. "You're not hurt, are you?" Bella is fussin and fretting so much over me that I'm slightly overwhelmed and a little too self-satisfied. Actually, I think my face might split in two, I'm greening so much. "Is everything alright?" She halts, eyes somewhere over my shoulders. "And, who are they?"

"Don't mind them," I say dismissively, finally reaching her. "They're with me. Friends," I add, caressing her cheek with my knuckles and smiling as her eyes take in Peter and Charlotte and their very red eyes before coming back to mine. "And yes, I'm alright." She looks me over, performing a quick inspection of my supposed well being. "You don't to worry." As soon as I say the words I realize that she isn't. "I'm back."

"And so it begins," Peter says wickedly.

"There you go, ruining the moment again," Charlotte chastises.

I roll my eyes, shaking my head. Bella giggles uncertainly.

"Well, since it seems that Jasper has forgotten his manners somewhere in the woods back there, I now shall do the uncool thing and introduce myself," Peter says, addressing Bella after sending a dirty look my way. "Hi, I'm Peter. I'm not an alcoholic."

Bella laughs. "Nice to meet you, Peter. I'm Isabella. I like to be called Bella."

"Charlotte here, Bella. I'm a Vampire. Pleasure," Charlotte contributes, flashing a dangerous, slow smile.

* * *

_**...**_

_**...**_

* * *

_** A/N:**__ After a long absence I'm back! Sorry for that. As you can see I haven't given up on this story, I will see it through to then end. I've been at it for way too long to just stop when I'm so close to its end!_

_So, what did you guys think? This chapter is especially long in the hopes of, somewhat, making up for my taking so long to update. Did some of you guys guess that it was Peter and Charlotte? Did I live up to my standards? Is it what you'd hope for?_

_ Well, I hope you all have enjoyed reading this chapter. Drop me some love? I do love you guy's reviews and thoughts and I'm really dying to know if you guys like the direction of the story so far._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Amaterasu Kinesi_


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